AGING PARENTS

sorry to hear this quincie, look after you and yours

e <3

life should come with better manuals

Wishing lots of strength to you Quincie. I've been through pretty similar circumstances and can totally relate to Dee's strange sense of relief. After losing my dad to a neuro-degenerative illness, I've been dealing for the last few years with my mom's long and painful cognitive decline. In both cases, the hardest part has been to remember my parents as their old lucid selves, and not let the sick years overshadow my perception of them.

That is a good thing to say, and as a parent I would want my kids to feel released if they were so selfless as to care for me as I declined. If it's not too glib, job done, enjoy knowing that you did your best.

Thank you ever so, MatthewK. I feel like that's a great unspoken thing amongst those of us who have lost a parent after being their primary caregiver because it seems so self-centered and uncouth, but... it's the truth.

It'll be two months in June since my mom died and I honestly don't know that I've really processed it. Her actual death was pretty traumatic and the 10 years proceeding it were horrific. I had some sort of breakdown lite last summer probably triggered in part by all this. I am sure I will process it all eventually but for now it's almost too heavy for me to really start doing so. My dad has a new ladyfriend who is completely terrible and hardly talks to me anymore so that's pretty weird and a whole other thing I don't know how to handle.

Two years is hardly enough time to get through the grief process, ENBB. The grief's still fresh, even if you had "ten 10 years proceeding it". It's going to complicate matters greatly that your father "has a new ladyfriend who is completely terrible", because it creates a wedge between you two when you need each other the most. Even though I pushed my mom to try to find a gentleman friend of her own a handful of years after my dad died, she never expressed any interest in that (she would say, "why would I want to raise another one?") and that actually helped us develop a closer relationship with each other, because we were on each other's side and were all each of us had in the world. It was very "you and me against the world" and that created a kinship that made the twelve years we spent together after Dad's death all the sweeter. I hope you can seek therapy and have some awesome friends to lean on for emotional support, and that your father eventually wakes up to reality, but as my therapist pointed out, you have to be ok with not having control over the actions of others. I'm sorry your situation's the way it is.

My father in law is sadly on his deathbed tonight. He has suffered from dementia for the past 5 years & been in a care facility these past 4 yrs. He had hip surgery last month but has also struggled with near constant UTI infections. he ended up in the ER with extreme sepsis & this afternoon they took him off life support, he’s now on oxygen & morphine to keep him comfortable. We all knew it was coming but it still destroys your heart to watch it.

A native Hawaian, college footballer for the UoP Tigers, geologist, jazz lover. This man was my surrogate dad when I moved to the US, between him & my mother in law i don’t think I would have weathered being so far from home. My first christmas in the US he gave me card containing a check for roundtrip airfare to Aus, with a note that says “if you were my daughter I would want you to come home as often as possible” (not even my mother in law knew that he planned it) Knocked me for a loop. Truly, no hyperbole, The most kind, loving, generous man I have ever known.

It seems like he is going to hang on for anothr day or so, but these next 48 hours are almost certainly to be our last with him.

Imagine leaving this life so well remembered, what a gift. Hope you have good support VG.

My sincerest condolences to you, your husband, and your husband's family, VegemiteGrrrl.

Damn, VG, it's hard to say goodbye to wonderful people you love and care about. But it sounds like his race is run and it is time to cheer and love him to the finish line. Your story about him made me smile. Remember, that smile won't end when he does.

i’m so sorry, vg. he sounds like a wonderful person (and father in law) and i’m sure you were a great joy and a gift to him as well. kia kaha<3

vg <3

thanks everyone.

he is still barely holding on. there is talk of moving him back to his care facility to see out what remains of his hospice care. we shall see, i suppose.

he has been visited in the hospital here by a few of the facility caregivers which is very touching - gives truth to my feeling that anyone who has spent any time with him could not help but love him, at any stage of his life. and i love that my husband gets to see how loved his father is, by people who are strangers to us personally.

so we sit, humbled, waiting, with equal measures of love & sadness in our hearts.

beautiful words, very inspiring. thank you and sending good vibes.

I loved reading about you father in law, VG, and wish for him a peaceful and comfortable journey.

My father’s funeral was today. Nice to see so many people with such kind things to say about him.

My parents would have been married 50 years in July.

<3 quincie

I lost a parent late last year, i expect to lose the other this year or in 2020, and i lost a sibling last year as well
i haven't really processed my losses yet, i have too much going on in my family and career to truly step back
but i pray for you to navigate whatever you need to get by

Father in law passed this morning.

His cremated ashes will join my mother in law’s ashes & the ashes of their beloved pitbull Sam, and at some point they will be scattered together in Hawaii. <3 And we will arrange a memorial for all of the extended family to say their goodbyes - he wasn’t really a church guy.

It’s raining today & when I saw the grey sky this morning I just had a feeling it would be today.

hugs vg, he sounds like an awesome guy

thx -he really was

Best indeed -- and what a lovely way to remember them all.

Love, vg

love vg

Hugs and sympathy, VG

so sorry vg. your remembrance here is touching.

very sorry VG.... take care

My mother passed away on 30th March. We had just transferred her to a care home here in Oxford from one in north London close to where she had lived: we thought she'd be happier down here and of course we could visit her more regularly. Sadly she was only in the new home a day and a half.

Cause of death was listed as "bronchopneumonia" although several people have hinted that this is what they put when they aren't sure of the real cause.

The funeral is today.

Sorry for your loss, gg

Thank you, ― xyzzzz__

Very sorry to hear.

Sorry for your loss VG <3

I think this is wonderful:

Barthes quotes Proust’s letter to Georges de Lauris after his mother’s death: “Tell yourself this, too, for it is a kind of pleasure to know that you will never love less, that you will never be consoled, that you will constantly remember more and more.” pic.twitter.com/rtPuL68tv7

— Maja Lukić (@majalukic113) April 17, 2019

This interview posted on the Rapture thread in which the lead singer's gets quite deep into growing up with suicidal / neglectful parents, dealing with codependency and eventually getting through it, could maybe also be of interest to people here:
http://www.self-titledmag.com/2018/10/03/luke-jenner-interview-the-rapture-meditation-tunnel

I’m in Minnesota. I flew in this afternoon after my aunt let me know that my mom has been in such abdominal discomfort that she has not eaten in several days. She was waffling about hitting the senior alert button (she is 90 and lives independently and I mean *independently*).

I basically flew here to force her to call the medics. She acceded.

We have been in the ER less than two hours and they already know the issue - she had a stomach ulcer which sometime in the last few days has ruptured. They are taking her straight into surgery.

Ugh, sorry to hear. Good work on following yr otm instincts and getting up there to intervene!

<3 jon

Just as a cautionary note. Surgical anesthesia in the very elderly can lead to a prolonged period of hallucinations, paranoia, or confusion afterward. This happened to my mom at 92 and to my wife's aunt also. Neither fully recovered their mental abilities before they died. If it doesn't happen to your mom, be very glad.

Quincie otm about otm instincts. Take care of you while the docs take care of her <3
Compose a symphony while u wait?

Ok so this is now too eventful and hard to explain so I am gonna copy and paste what I just emailed to the family:

Plot twist! We were taken to the pre-op area and the surgeon came to talk to us. After seeing mom in person, she re-examined the scans in detail as she was perplexed that someone with that internal situation could present so functionally and be able to get out of bed etc.

She said this is an unusual case where the scans plus her personal state indicate that the perforation has begun to be “walled off” or self-sealed by her body.

She recommended that we prove this out by keeping her in the hospital for a few days on no food (IV fluids obviously), then doing a contrast scan on Friday or so; if there is an actual perforation at that point the contrast will be visible outside her stomach. If not then we can conclude that her body is indeed healing it.

The other option is to do the surgery tonight and verify first hand the open or contained status of the perforation. At the age of 90 an abdominal incision a few inches long is a serious matter. So mom and I both agreed the no-food period followed by contrast scan was the right choice and the surgeon feels positive about it too.

And actually, just now the pre-op nurse was talking to me about how glad she is they don’t have to operate tonight and basically said exactly what Aimless just said about anesthesia - which I hadn’t even been thinking about, I was just worried about incision and infection and recovery etc.

good luck to you and all of yours, Jon

Sorry to hear all this jon; hope it's cleared up soon and that your family gets back on track

Excellent - I can only second Aimless' point - I've seen this happens to both my parents who lost 50% of their mental acuity after anesthesia/artificial coma. In my dad's case, anesthesia (for a minor thing) sent his hitherto slow neuro-degenerative disease speeding down towards complete senility.

Yeah my mom hallucinated smoking nurses and spiders in her room after one of many surgeries.

She died two years ago on Thursday and I still feel shellshocked. Tbh it was a pretty traumatic experience (as were the previous 10 years) but it just all still feels so weird and unreal.

Sorry to hear ENBB that. My dad died 4 years ago and, i'm kinda sad to admit this, but it didn't really affect me one way or another. I think the last 10 years of his life, and the decline into cognitive oblivion throughout, progressively detached me from him. His last two years he was as good as gone to me. And I'm seeing the same thing happen with my mom these days. They always say, keep the good memories of when they were healthy, but it's proving hard. Also, as far as my mother is concerned, her "difficult" ageing (and some therapy) has opened my eyes on the nature of our relationship (which I'd previously idealized to some extent).

The course chosen by that surgeon has been borne out as wise, my mom is gradually getting better and the perforated ulcer has stayed shut. There was a very fucking terrifying moment Friday morning where she had a “vasovagal” response while on the toilet and passed out - the nurse and her were in the bathroom and I heard the nurse saying her name repeatedly to no response and then about 8 staff rushed in with a crash cart and everything and I was just like well this is it... but then it was fine, they were all like oh a vasovagal, nbd. Her bp had dropped to 60/40. That kind of thing did not happen again.

She will maybe get discharged Wednesday and I have heard two versions - discharge to a transitional care place for a couple of weeks of rehab, or discharge to her condo under family supervision (i.e. me).

It feels like we are turning that corner to independent living no longer being so feasible. I am at a loss how to make such decisions. Have talked to the social worker a bit.

Realizing that I have leaned heavily on her two younger sisters (age 88 and 86) to keep tabs on her and help get to appointments etc but now they are too old themselves to really do that role anymore.

Could be the end of the NYC phase of my life. Which will be especially hard on my wife if so. She loves Minnesota and my mom, but she doesn’t drive and has a large network of nyc friends and contacts to lose.

I am at a loss how to make such decisions. Have talked to the social worker a bit.

That's abig transition, if you are the close relative most able and willing to fill this role. Talk to your mom about it. Mention getting a power of attorney and see if she is comfortable with that. Also, ask about becoming her health care representative, so you could make medical care decisions on her behalf.

All this stuff does mean getting much more intimately involved in her life. It would a burden of new responsibilities, but can also be a renewal and deepening of your relationship with her that you'll come to appreciate and ultimately be grateful for.

That sounds very difficult to navigate. Could be a whole new phase of your life though, who knows?! Keep breathing!

gl jon

Jon, let me give you a recommendation for your mom: A PACEMAKER. My late mom was diagnosed with a vasovagal response about eight years before she died, while recovering from a standard procedure (but the symptoms were present for a few years prior). It landed her in the ICU ward at first, but thankfully this cardiovascular specialist was on hand to observe her vitals and diagnosed her with said response. He told me (i.e. the caregiver in charge) the best thing they could do for her was implant a pacemaker into her so her heart rate would never dip below a certain level. It did her a world of good and she never had another dangerous dizzy spell for as long as she lived. Sure, you may need to help your mom out for awhile after the surgery but perhaps that will keep her able to live independently for a few more years.

My mother, who refuses to connect her phone to the internet I pay for at her house, or use the tablet that my sisters bought her, managed to send a txt message to my email address, from the other side of the world asking what Netflix is, because the physical newspaper keeps running stories about Tales Of The City on Netflix

my mother has an email account with her isp, a gmail account, and an email account associated with her iphone. she steadfastly refuses to acknowledge even having the latter and does not check its inbox, despite sending most of her emails to me from it

she also gets like 100 emails a day to each address -- some of them are (health/food) newsletters, some are Special Offers from stores, and quite a lot are from random democratic candidates around the country asking for money

the internet has made her life actively worse. mama sic otm

tbf I gave her a laptop six years ago and within 13 months she managed to get enough spam which she clicked on that the whole computer was fucked & had to be trashed