AGING PARENTS

I send my condolence, too. Alzheimer's makes one's grief and sense of loss so drawn out and equivocal that it can be hard to know how to approach it.

Sorry, Quincie. It’s a beast.

Very sorry to hear Quincie.

i’m so sorry, quincie, it’s such a loss

Thanks, it is comforting to here from my ilx crew. My father was an interesting and unusual man who was quite admired and nationally recognized in his field, despite being an odd bird who didn’t practice the self-promotion that most people at his level relied on. His was success was pure talent and results; god knows he was not a particularly personable guy. Alzheimers gave me an opportunity to have a different sort of relationship with him than I had growing up. The whole experience has been difficult, yes, but also quite meaningful. Deeply touching, really.

quincie, take exceptionally good care of yourself. Feel free to mourn this terrible loss for as long as you wish and don't listen to anyone who wants to put a time limit on it. This is one of the most devastating losses you will ever have to deal with and you feel whatever emotions come to you. You're never going to look at April 7 the same way again. If you need the help of a therapist to help you get through the grief process (and it is a process), GO. If you want to go the self-help option, I can't recommend How to Survive the Loss of a Parent by Lois Akner enough. Whatever it takes, whatever option(s) you take. Grief is a very individual process, but remember to be good to yourself and mourn for as long as you wish. If you need to vent, I'm here; I trained as a grief education class facilitator and went through grief therapy myself.

I'd also like to extend the offer to any other ILXors who've either just experienced a major loss or who are struggling with one, who would like some support. It sounds weird to say this but I kinda feel like grief is one of the things I'm good at, in the sense that I can offer emotional support to people going through the grief process. Let me tell you, for one thing: it's never a straight trajectory. Those oft-quoted "stages of grief"? Total lie. Don't feel that you have to follow said stages the way they're laid out because that never happens. Like I said, grief is a very individual process and you're going to follow your own path through the pain. Also, it's something you get "through", not get "over", because you never "get over" the grief.

Thank you dee, I needed that. I’m a geriatric social worker, formerly a hospice social worker and bereavement counselor—so this all feel familiar, but not *my* people familiar. Different story when it is your own family.

My partner’s parents are a decade older than my parents and are still trucking along without much in the way of problems. Aging parents is some mysterious stuff.

I'm sorry for your loss, quincie. With Alzheimer's grief hits us hard even before our loved ones are gone. Perhaps that can make the subsequent phases of grief a little easier? I hope so, anyway. Love and strength to all the children of aging parents.

Deep condolences and hopes for strength in a difficult time.

so sorry quincie...take care

sorry to hear this quincie! take care <3
i am terrified of the contents of this thread and generally avoid it but wanted to share my condolences

I'm so sorry quincie.

Thank you dee, I needed that. I’m a geriatric social worker, formerly a hospice social worker and bereavement counselor—so this all feel familiar, but not *my* people familiar. Different story when it is your own family.

My partner’s parents are a decade older than my parents and are still trucking along without much in the way of problems. Aging parents is some mysterious stuff.

Thank you for that. You would absolutely know more than me in a professional capacity, but everything I've learned is from personal experience (and getting through said personal experience). BTW, thank you for having been a hospice worker; those places are amazing and the one my dad was in really strove to foster a nurturing environment for my family and me.

Having read more into the thread, I'd almost forgotten I'd posted on here before. Thank goodness I didn't repeat my story here! Also, for all of you who are fellow only children, you never know how much it would have helped (if at all) to have had any siblings when it comes to being a parental caregiver. I've heard stories where families with many siblings left all the care up to one sibling, or there were many differing opinions about how to care for a parent that caused bad blood amongst the siblings and a total lack of care on the behalf of the ailing parent. For awhile there I wished I'd had siblings who would pitch in to help out with my parents, but now I'm glad everything was left to me because I knew I was providing the absolute best care I could and I didn't have any siblings to provide additional drama or strife when things got especially rough. And I want to thank Jenny once again for all her kind sentiments. I've come through the other side and am lots better, and it was because of seeking therapy for my grief that I finally got help for some undiagnosed/untreated mental illnesses, so my mom's death was a blessing in disguise.

Another thing I hesitate to admit is that when my mom died, it was freeing in an awkward, weird way. Like, having to devote so much of my life to caring for her prevented me from doing things for myself, but after she died I was able to do some traveling and concert-going, things I'd been denied throughout the vast majority of my twenties and early - mid thirties. Also, before she died I would have never dreamed of doing some of the things I do on a regular basis, e.g. drive on the highway as much as possible (she only ever wanted me to drive the side streets), and I can enjoy the occasional alcoholic beverage without her reacting as though I've made the decision to become an alcoholic. I feel like this is this great unspoken thing because it sounds like my life has improved as a result of losing my parents, but... in a way, it has.

That is a good thing to say, and as a parent I would want my kids to feel released if they were so selfless as to care for me as I declined. If it's not too glib, job done, enjoy knowing that you did your best.

Quincie - I'm so sorry. Love to you.

It'll be two months in June since my mom died and I honestly don't know that I've really processed it. Her actual death was pretty traumatic and the 10 years proceeding it were horrific. I had some sort of breakdown lite last summer probably triggered in part by all this. I am sure I will process it all eventually but for now it's almost too heavy for me to really start doing so. My dad has a new ladyfriend who is completely terrible and hardly talks to me anymore so that's pretty weird and a whole other thing I don't know how to handle.

sorry to hear this quincie, look after you and yours

e <3

life should come with better manuals

Wishing lots of strength to you Quincie. I've been through pretty similar circumstances and can totally relate to Dee's strange sense of relief. After losing my dad to a neuro-degenerative illness, I've been dealing for the last few years with my mom's long and painful cognitive decline. In both cases, the hardest part has been to remember my parents as their old lucid selves, and not let the sick years overshadow my perception of them.

That is a good thing to say, and as a parent I would want my kids to feel released if they were so selfless as to care for me as I declined. If it's not too glib, job done, enjoy knowing that you did your best.

Thank you ever so, MatthewK. I feel like that's a great unspoken thing amongst those of us who have lost a parent after being their primary caregiver because it seems so self-centered and uncouth, but... it's the truth.

It'll be two months in June since my mom died and I honestly don't know that I've really processed it. Her actual death was pretty traumatic and the 10 years proceeding it were horrific. I had some sort of breakdown lite last summer probably triggered in part by all this. I am sure I will process it all eventually but for now it's almost too heavy for me to really start doing so. My dad has a new ladyfriend who is completely terrible and hardly talks to me anymore so that's pretty weird and a whole other thing I don't know how to handle.

Two years is hardly enough time to get through the grief process, ENBB. The grief's still fresh, even if you had "ten 10 years proceeding it". It's going to complicate matters greatly that your father "has a new ladyfriend who is completely terrible", because it creates a wedge between you two when you need each other the most. Even though I pushed my mom to try to find a gentleman friend of her own a handful of years after my dad died, she never expressed any interest in that (she would say, "why would I want to raise another one?") and that actually helped us develop a closer relationship with each other, because we were on each other's side and were all each of us had in the world. It was very "you and me against the world" and that created a kinship that made the twelve years we spent together after Dad's death all the sweeter. I hope you can seek therapy and have some awesome friends to lean on for emotional support, and that your father eventually wakes up to reality, but as my therapist pointed out, you have to be ok with not having control over the actions of others. I'm sorry your situation's the way it is.

My father in law is sadly on his deathbed tonight. He has suffered from dementia for the past 5 years & been in a care facility these past 4 yrs. He had hip surgery last month but has also struggled with near constant UTI infections. he ended up in the ER with extreme sepsis & this afternoon they took him off life support, he’s now on oxygen & morphine to keep him comfortable. We all knew it was coming but it still destroys your heart to watch it.

A native Hawaian, college footballer for the UoP Tigers, geologist, jazz lover. This man was my surrogate dad when I moved to the US, between him & my mother in law i don’t think I would have weathered being so far from home. My first christmas in the US he gave me card containing a check for roundtrip airfare to Aus, with a note that says “if you were my daughter I would want you to come home as often as possible” (not even my mother in law knew that he planned it) Knocked me for a loop. Truly, no hyperbole, The most kind, loving, generous man I have ever known.

It seems like he is going to hang on for anothr day or so, but these next 48 hours are almost certainly to be our last with him.

Imagine leaving this life so well remembered, what a gift. Hope you have good support VG.

My sincerest condolences to you, your husband, and your husband's family, VegemiteGrrrl.

Damn, VG, it's hard to say goodbye to wonderful people you love and care about. But it sounds like his race is run and it is time to cheer and love him to the finish line. Your story about him made me smile. Remember, that smile won't end when he does.

i’m so sorry, vg. he sounds like a wonderful person (and father in law) and i’m sure you were a great joy and a gift to him as well. kia kaha<3

vg <3

thanks everyone.

he is still barely holding on. there is talk of moving him back to his care facility to see out what remains of his hospice care. we shall see, i suppose.

he has been visited in the hospital here by a few of the facility caregivers which is very touching - gives truth to my feeling that anyone who has spent any time with him could not help but love him, at any stage of his life. and i love that my husband gets to see how loved his father is, by people who are strangers to us personally.

so we sit, humbled, waiting, with equal measures of love & sadness in our hearts.

beautiful words, very inspiring. thank you and sending good vibes.

I loved reading about you father in law, VG, and wish for him a peaceful and comfortable journey.

My father’s funeral was today. Nice to see so many people with such kind things to say about him.

My parents would have been married 50 years in July.

<3 quincie

I lost a parent late last year, i expect to lose the other this year or in 2020, and i lost a sibling last year as well
i haven't really processed my losses yet, i have too much going on in my family and career to truly step back
but i pray for you to navigate whatever you need to get by

Father in law passed this morning.

His cremated ashes will join my mother in law’s ashes & the ashes of their beloved pitbull Sam, and at some point they will be scattered together in Hawaii. <3 And we will arrange a memorial for all of the extended family to say their goodbyes - he wasn’t really a church guy.

It’s raining today & when I saw the grey sky this morning I just had a feeling it would be today.

hugs vg, he sounds like an awesome guy

thx -he really was

Best indeed -- and what a lovely way to remember them all.

Love, vg

love vg

Hugs and sympathy, VG

so sorry vg. your remembrance here is touching.

very sorry VG.... take care

My mother passed away on 30th March. We had just transferred her to a care home here in Oxford from one in north London close to where she had lived: we thought she'd be happier down here and of course we could visit her more regularly. Sadly she was only in the new home a day and a half.

Cause of death was listed as "bronchopneumonia" although several people have hinted that this is what they put when they aren't sure of the real cause.

The funeral is today.

Sorry for your loss, gg

Thank you, ― xyzzzz__

Very sorry to hear.

Sorry for your loss VG <3

I think this is wonderful:

Barthes quotes Proust’s letter to Georges de Lauris after his mother’s death: “Tell yourself this, too, for it is a kind of pleasure to know that you will never love less, that you will never be consoled, that you will constantly remember more and more.” pic.twitter.com/rtPuL68tv7

— Maja Lukić (@majalukic113) April 17, 2019

This interview posted on the Rapture thread in which the lead singer's gets quite deep into growing up with suicidal / neglectful parents, dealing with codependency and eventually getting through it, could maybe also be of interest to people here:
http://www.self-titledmag.com/2018/10/03/luke-jenner-interview-the-rapture-meditation-tunnel

I’m in Minnesota. I flew in this afternoon after my aunt let me know that my mom has been in such abdominal discomfort that she has not eaten in several days. She was waffling about hitting the senior alert button (she is 90 and lives independently and I mean *independently*).

I basically flew here to force her to call the medics. She acceded.

We have been in the ER less than two hours and they already know the issue - she had a stomach ulcer which sometime in the last few days has ruptured. They are taking her straight into surgery.

Ugh, sorry to hear. Good work on following yr otm instincts and getting up there to intervene!

<3 jon