pitchfork is dumb (#34985859340293849494 in a series.)

It delivers us from our chaotic, doomed lives into eternal heaven

Isn't intentional misuse of a word ("illusory" in this case) how new metaphors get minted? (giving the benefit of the doubt that it was intentional)
Anyway, it was confusing to me too -- it implied that, even though it seems like she can write songs, there really isn't any actual songwriting going on -- she's pulled one over on us all.

That‘s also how I read it... though I guess the word can also refer to something that generates illusions (similar to “hallucinatory”)

Wait, she promises eternal bliss but it’s all a lie? She is the Antichrist

I think we can all agree the blurb is a mix of “way too many adjectives, a few of which seem odd” and “weird terms like ‘pop-rock crucibles’ forced into metaphors like ‘taken to new heights’.”

how can a singer-songwriter be British?

ok I know this is the "Pitchfork is dumb" thread but I want to give them props for covering obscure Hull weirdos Fet.Nat today.

Symphony No. 3 has a nightmarish undertone that tends to get smoothed out in dulcet recordings—one of the texts is meant to be the sound of a woman calling out for her murdered child—and Gibbons brings that squirming danger right to the surface.

Yeah, and another one is based on scribblings on the walls of a Gestapo cell... Not really an 'undertone' I'd say.

The reissue doesn’t include any “special” exclusive materials, but considering the difficulty of finding other physical Autoclave memorabilia (at the time of publication, there’s a single copy of the CD available on Amazon and it costs $100.26), the tangible album feels special and exclusive enough.

Last sold Dec 08, 2018 for $15.00
Highest
$32.47
Lowest
$6.00
Average
$13.94
Median
$10.99

Last sold on Mar 05, 2019
$9.50 Average
$8.99 Median
$20.00 Highest
$3.90 Lowest

how can a singer-songwriter be British?

lots of lyrics about the queen

These Baby Beers Are the Cutest Things We’ve Ever Seen

Badly misplaced modified in opening paragraph of today’s T. Rex review — had me genuinely confused as I read it.

*modifier

Also, for purposes of an obituary, maybe use a more formal term (for releasing an album) than “dropped”?

With Brad, Smith dropped five records in total, the last being 2012’s United We Stand.

ok I know this is the "Pitchfork is dumb" thread but I want to give them props for covering obscure Hull weirdos Fet.Nat today.

― Simon H.

ok wow these people are nice, they remind me a bit of miriodor (is that stereotyping?)

I find it amusing how Pitchfork continues trying to push Frankie Cosmos on us

ok wow these people are nice, they remind me a bit of miriodor (is that stereotyping?)

I saw them as an opening act years ago, I don't even remember who the headliner was, but I found them very fun and distinctive, to the extent that I would check on their bandcamp semi-regularly for signs of life.

one of my old schoolmates got a nice review today, good for her!

Khalid: Free Spirit
Alphonse Pierre
The second album from the historically inoffensive singer is another genreless collection of safe choices for a pop star in the making.

Headline from my RSS feed. How many years into a career is a history? Second album seems early for someone using the name Alphonse Pierre to use eight syllables instead of one, "bland", to rag on an artist.

Looking forward to hearing this. I thought "8teen" was a great track, lyrics and music.

How many years into a career is a history?

i think he's saying "one of history's most inoffensive singers" not that he's historically been inoffensive

At a middle school dance somewhere in America, hundreds of students are getting rowdy to “Thotiana” while the chaperone tells the DJ to spin something else, something less vulgar, something inoffensive. Something like Khalid.

ok, but in my experience, the kids fucking love khalid

No, Brad, the kids are into pop music that’s on the bleeding-edge of aesthetic standards, like *checks notes* trap strip-club anthems.

I know that appeals to the “real” tastes of teenagers are a shopworn tactic in popular music criticism, but it’s emphasis on the “worn” here

Also as far as I’m aware Khalid has never said anything deeply offensive about trans women:
https://pitchfork.com/news/blueface-makes-transphobic-remarks-on-instagram/

https://pitchfork.com/reviews/albums/labrinth-sia-diplo-lsd/
Not 100% opposed to the sentiments of this review but amused by the extent to which it reads as an "I'm so tired" to the entirety of current pop music
Like when it gets to the "maybe be more like Juice WRLD" paragraph you can just envision the author's head down on the desk as they let out a long protracted sigh

Including an explanatory YouTube link on the phrase “how do you do, fellow kids” is very... “memes, how do they work?”

https://pitchfork.com/reviews/albums/macintosh-plus-floral-shoppe/

Vapourwave is pitchfork-approved now

I don't know what to say

There is no synapse between the author's ear and their didactic facilities

This review reads like the author is looking at old nudes and saying "yep I was nude at this point in time"

Not gonna deny that Floral Shoppe’s, um, *checks Wikipedia* “tin anniversary” deserves some commemoration, though

I always find it amusing that Vaporwave seemed to take off around the same time that Pitchfork decided to shut down Altered Zones.

i still believe in post-internet optimism

Cheesy saxophones melted into ooze, easy listening skipped and tripped over itself like a buffering YouTube video, and vaguely human voices were slowed into breathy, bland moans. The first time I hit play in the spring of 2012, it stopped me in my tracks. I stared at my iPhone wondering if it was broken or if the file was corrupted. It sounded like the musical equivalent of a computer virus, as if all the exciting ideas at the time about “post-internet” music had soured and gone flat.

lol

"musical equivalent of a computer virus" is actually a nice line.

They've really been bringing the old-school takedowns lately
https://pitchfork.com/reviews/albums/sad-planets-akron-ohio/

The band’s press materials indicate that Akron, Ohio exists as a result of two good buddies hanging around the studio and seeing where the spirit takes them. But to insist that the rest of the world needs to hear their wankery is an assertion of rampant egomania

I hate when writers deploy the canard of musicians "insisting" or "demanding" their music be heard as a takedown. It's not like they forced it onto everyone's phone like the U2 album.

That is - deploying, as a takedown, the canard of musicians insisting etc. Long workday, brain not make sentences good.

Ah yes, the rampant egomania of releasing a record (which may be true, but that goes for everyone else too).

I have no interested in that record, but yeah that's super lame.

It's the dude from the Black Keys, too. pfork biting the hand that feeds them?

Also, I would like to posit that the attitude of a musician / band releasing a recording to satisfy their collective egos is no different than a writer publishing their takedown of said recording.

bbbut guys, they're not just musicians, they are out-of-touch male musicians please don't forget

it's hilarious that that is a Black Keys guy's project becuase my first thought was "why is P4k reviewing/slamming a band no one's heard of?"

bet they wouldn't dare give a BK album a 3.0. 6.3, sure, but not 3.0. *that* would be biting the hand that feeds them. this is just sort of gumming it. so pathetic.

reminds me of when Arcade Fire made fun of Stereogum as part of their album rollout. Not P4k or RS or Spin, but Stereogum. Big tough anti-establishment band!

“gumming the hand that feeds you” is an amazing image

I assumed Stereogum was in 4th place after those 3 for music blog popularity.

Bullies prefer to pick on people a few steps down in the pecking order ime

arcade fire is a totally a band of bullies.

i knew there was a reason i didn't like them all along.

xxxpost to billstevejim: that was my point. they didn't mess with the big boys. they went down the line just enough to pick on a site that people (in that world) know but that couldn't hurt them quite like the others.

it's not really analogous to the P4k review of the Black Keys side project, just kinda made me think of it ...

Are the Black Keys a hand that feeds P4K in 2019? Seems like exactly the kind of band they'd give a bad review of these days.

yeah, their last album (in 2014) got a 5.8

black keys are loved by rolling stone and grammy noms. they never struck me as a pitchfork favorite.