Depression and what it's really like

Message Bookmarked
Bookmark Removed
Not all messages are displayed: show all messages (6598 of them)

Yes, getting older and also realizing why I am the way I am(waves at mommy): I'm way more chill (thanks sipralexa) ab things. I'm less stressed. Sometimes I want to stop w sipralexa but even now I get anxiety. And I never wanna get back to wanting to (literally) jump off a cliff.

― nathom

accepting there are actual reasons why i have certain reactions to things, being able to, at least in my own head, criticize (without necessarily _blaming_) certain other people, rather than being "lol depression idk" has been helpful to me, i have found.

i feel like i still have a lot of room to grow as a person, and being on the meds i'm on makes that process easier.

the scientology of mountains (rushomancy), Sunday, 10 March 2019 12:05 (five years ago) link

Yes! It took me 2 decades of self-analysis. Tbh if it wasn't for my husband I wouldn't be where I am now. I'm not blaming anyone. Useless and waste of time/energy.

nathom, Sunday, 10 March 2019 13:00 (five years ago) link

KM, about Effexor, it may have saved my life and I don't regret going on it...but in weaning off after ten years (most at 187.5 mg) I found that my nervous system had to be completely recalibrated, and that absent its insulatiion my system "forgot" how to respond appropriately to life's disappointments. Like I started taking shit way harder than what was appropriate. So now I'm on a course of re-sensitizing, which is not a lot of fun.

Anyway I'm glad it's working for you, and in general—and w/r/t Simon's laundry list of treatment attempts—I'm coming to terms with the fact that there is no silver bullet. I had longed hope for the *one* thing that would do the trick but I know now it's going to be a combination of little things that will keep me afloat, if in fact I ever come up for air.

logged out (Emperor 8), Sunday, 10 March 2019 19:27 (five years ago) link

I feel you guys on vacation, too. I have a history of this and was brutailzed around the holidays this year in trips to see family—people I love, in MI and FL. I think vacations are particularly hard just because they upset the prospect of improvement due to a change of scenery. I know that when I am suffering a heavy bout I'll come to lament my circumstances and surroundings, only to learn over and again that depression DGAF about where you take it. To deplane in a sunny clime, or to be greeted by old friends, and realize that you STILL feel like dying is somehow doubly bad.

logged out (Emperor 8), Sunday, 10 March 2019 19:34 (five years ago) link

may i ask what the relation between your berlin vacation - next time you come we could meet if you are interested - and the realization of your depression is, brad? or is that too private andi am too curious?

― Ich bin kein Berliner (alex in mainhattan), Saturday, March 9, 2019 11:10 AM (yesterday) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

wasn't the city itself, berlin is wonderful and i would live there if i could, but i went with one of my best friends and spending a week with your best friend in one-bed airbnb, and also going everywhere together... she got tired and annoyed with me during the last few days of the trip (fair! i guess) and i just started spiraling from there bc i did not believe i deserved anything good and this was just new evidence. went off the deep end a month later during another vacation in ocean city maryland after taking molly that prob was mostly coke, but idk how much i should share about that particular breakdown on ile

anyway i'm much better now and genuinely believe i deserve good things. still need a therapist! but doin' ok without one for now

jolene club remix (BradNelson), Sunday, 10 March 2019 19:44 (five years ago) link

I was travelling with a friend of mine, and several of her friends, with most of us staying in a tiny airbnb, so I felt like I had to constantly exile myself so as not to poison anyone else's good vibes

in fact, my berlin trip was a lot like this

jolene club remix (BradNelson), Sunday, 10 March 2019 19:45 (five years ago) link

oh, i love my family too, but that doesn't necessarily make it easier for me to visit! my new rule is, i have a house now, people who want to see me can come visit, i'm not going back to fucking indiana.

the scientology of mountains (rushomancy), Sunday, 10 March 2019 19:48 (five years ago) link

I just wanna say thx to everyone for sharing, genuinely helpful and interesting for me personally.

Also I have to share the fact that when I was in the deepest, darkest throes of my breakdown I messaged the group to be like "hey sorry I'm all fucked up, it's no one's fault, don't take it personally" etc and in response the girls I was traveling with *and the tourists they'd found to have sex with* sent a group selfie of them making Care Bear style heart signs, and even in the moment I was able to appreciate how blackly hilarious it was

Simon H., Sunday, 10 March 2019 22:30 (five years ago) link

I am struggling bec my husband is depressed. I don't how not to get sucked into the vortex. :-(

nathom, Monday, 11 March 2019 12:45 (five years ago) link

six months pass...

Sigh

Beating head against brick wall

Sigh

a hoy hoy, Sunday, 6 October 2019 22:33 (four years ago) link

what's going on? :(

It is my great honor to post on this messageboard! (Karl Malone), Monday, 7 October 2019 00:36 (four years ago) link

hope u feel better sam:)

flopson, Monday, 7 October 2019 00:56 (four years ago) link

It was just a bad day. I have since bought a puppy (a black labradoodle), so I'm pretty smiley atm.

a hoy hoy, Tuesday, 8 October 2019 07:16 (four years ago) link

But thanks for checking in guys

a hoy hoy, Tuesday, 8 October 2019 07:17 (four years ago) link

in my experience some varieties of labradoodle are absolutely huge and some are quite small - which have you got?

calzino, Tuesday, 8 October 2019 07:25 (four years ago) link

I met the parents, I think it will grow to be quite big. Bloody tiny for now though, it basically fits in my hand.

a hoy hoy, Tuesday, 8 October 2019 07:27 (four years ago) link

my black lab has his first birthday next week, he's huge now ... absolutely huge - they soon grow up!

calzino, Tuesday, 8 October 2019 07:30 (four years ago) link

Yeah we are already talking about moving in May when our contract is up in case our place isn't big enough! I'm bloody petrified tbh

a hoy hoy, Tuesday, 8 October 2019 08:09 (four years ago) link

on a depression tip the thing with dogs is that they are generally superior to humans and they nag you to go out of the house when you don't feel like going out which can be a very good thing.

calzino, Tuesday, 8 October 2019 08:20 (four years ago) link

i caught this amazing blood red sunrise yesterday all thanks to my dog

calzino, Tuesday, 8 October 2019 08:22 (four years ago) link

two months pass...

Just got started on my first SSRI (Lexapro aka Cipralex) on Friday. Mostly it's caused me to sleep a lot. A friend was surprised I was able to get prescribed some on the spot at a clinic (in Canada), but I guess I got lucky and/or said the magic words. I'm surprised we don't have a dedicated SSRIs thread tbh!

I've also noticed my sense of time is slightly more accelerated and techno sounds slightly more absorbing...

bold caucasian eroticism (Simon H.), Sunday, 5 January 2020 19:12 (four years ago) link

There’s an antidepressants thread

Swilling Ambergris, Esq. (silby), Sunday, 5 January 2020 19:14 (four years ago) link

ah thx I used all the wrong search terms

bold caucasian eroticism (Simon H.), Sunday, 5 January 2020 19:15 (four years ago) link

The SSRIs take a while to really kick in so try and be patient with them!

revenge of the jawn (rushomancy), Sunday, 5 January 2020 20:28 (four years ago) link

good luck with it buddy, hope it helps

hot nuts (small) (bizarro gazzara), Sunday, 5 January 2020 20:38 (four years ago) link

There’s an antidepressants thread

― Swilling Ambergris, Esq. (silby)

there's also a frequently bumped 77 thread that often discusses antidepressants

But guess what? Nobody gives a toot!😂 (Karl Malone), Sunday, 5 January 2020 22:04 (four years ago) link

one month passes...

Hi folks, my brain is busily being my enemy again. Halp. (Also, many thanks to those of you who have already contributed your support via FB.)

We Live as We Dee, Alone (deethelurker), Monday, 2 March 2020 18:29 (four years ago) link

hey dee. if you aren't on the '77' board, most of the personal discussion about depression has moved to a newer thread there, because '77' isn't accessible to search engines or random internet strangers. The usual method to gain access to '77' is to request it here: Request Access to 77 Borad

if you'd prefer to discuss it here, that's OK, too

A is for (Aimless), Monday, 2 March 2020 22:48 (four years ago) link

LOL, I've requested twice before but apparently I don't pass muster or something, sigh.

We Live as We Dee, Alone (deethelurker), Monday, 2 March 2020 23:59 (four years ago) link

I did the same long ago iirc, no dice

bold caucasian eroticism (Simon H.), Tuesday, 3 March 2020 00:02 (four years ago) link

must have been an oversight by the mods, it's not selective (well maybe if you were a totally new poster they might question it but that would be the extent of it)

frederik b. godt (jim in vancouver), Tuesday, 3 March 2020 00:03 (four years ago) link

dee, you're in.

― mod, Monday, March 2, 2020 2:36 PM (four hours ago)

mookieproof, Tuesday, 3 March 2020 00:10 (four years ago) link

one year passes...

very confused lately. i'm a melancholic person by nature, but i can't say i usually experience loneliness or sadness too often; i'm too optimistic, content in my own company, well-spirited... though i feel really stuck, of late. i suspect it's mostly alienation surrounding how technology has changed, how the internet has centralized, alongside a sense of community becoming marginalized, ofc w covid, too.

i spent much of my teens and early twenties living in the past, with my head in the clouds - but i'm lucid and present, these days. i don't look to the past anymore. my memories are a bit of a haze, and i have c-ptsd, but i dunno. i wake up every day with energy and zeal, but it's hard to feel like anything is moving, anymore. it's hard to make connections when you don't watch netflix, play sports, use your smartphone... it's like i don't even know where people are hanging out online, anymore (shout out ilxors for keeping the dream alive). growing up, it felt like online community was vibrant, exciting, but now we're in this post-net malaise... it makes me sad to think about. i really do feel like i can't take much more of the internet. all i seem to do is fill in captchas, passwords, verifications, see junk emails, advertisements... it's just no fun anymore. i open my browser and think... huh, really, where is there to go, anymore...?

mark fisher expressed it well enough, and i know he too was optimistic about it - but i dunno. i feel so much art now is clouded in nostalgia. everyone i know has this feeling of the 90s being "when everything was okay". it's strange to have such instantaneous, constant connection yet feel like nobody is really conversing. nobody likes phone calls anymore. where do i even find a pen pal? how can you talk to a stranger with their airpods in?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aCgkLICTskQ

growing up online, i was able to freely explore my identity, sexuality, gender, personality, music taste, and reach community with anonymity, relative privacy and a sense of fun. i feel like it's been all but completely revoked, yet nobody seems to be concerned, and virtuality is increasingly enmeshed with daily life. i kinda want out, but i know it's more of a inconvenience to live without than to live with. i've been getting offline more, i guess, but it's strange - to be switched off when everybody else is wired.

idfk anymore

maelin, Wednesday, 28 April 2021 19:55 (two years ago) link

I feel ya. Sendin good vibes

brimstead, Wednesday, 28 April 2021 20:35 (two years ago) link

I was just reading about the explosion of chatbots in China and found the idea really depressing... there are like millions of people that sneak off to the bathroom for a few minutes to chat with somebody who doesn't exist. Seems so dystopian.

Today's WWW is pretty darn soulless and really exists only to monetize ever dwindling attention spans.

Andy the Grasshopper, Wednesday, 28 April 2021 20:41 (two years ago) link

very glad i grew up before cell phones.
maybe try a personal and self-imposed device purge for a month, see what cold turkey does.
Try POTTERY

Draymond is "Mr Dumpy" (forksclovetofu), Thursday, 29 April 2021 14:53 (two years ago) link

two weeks pass...

didn't think I was one of those "dreading the end of the COVID era" ppl but then I got one dose on friday and now it's just a barrage of crying jags, very cool, love to be alive

intern at pelican brief consulting (Simon H.), Monday, 17 May 2021 16:09 (two years ago) link

three weeks pass...

it's a bad time right now

sorry forks

Heez, Monday, 7 June 2021 13:28 (two years ago) link

I don’t know if you can share much about what’s happening, forks, but you know you can always vent (at extreme length! that’s what I do) here of you need to. You’re a good person, hang in there.

Karl Malone, Monday, 7 June 2021 14:19 (two years ago) link

<3 forks

brimstead, Monday, 7 June 2021 14:47 (two years ago) link

(or shoot me an email if you want, forks, too. just know there's people for you)

Karl Malone, Monday, 7 June 2021 14:55 (two years ago) link

Ya same forks, reach out if you need an ear <3

Much love, forks.

keen reverberations of twee (collardio gelatinous), Tuesday, 8 June 2021 15:23 (two years ago) link

♥️ u forks

one month passes...

thanks guys. still cruising along slowly. it's mental health issues that amassed during covid and that are manifesting now as depression, anxiety, moodiness, insomnia, increased OCD. Also dealing with chronic pain for like year 8 now? I am making a point of discussing it with everyone (non-business related) that I see both to destigmatize and to clarify my state of mind. Not sure if that's brilliant but it feels necessary.

Yours in Sorrow, A Schoolboy: (forksclovetofu), Monday, 12 July 2021 17:18 (two years ago) link

been doing a lot of "fake it till you make it" activity but i'm just not reacting well to any stressors and having a hard time getting in the shower in the mornings.

Yours in Sorrow, A Schoolboy: (forksclovetofu), Monday, 12 July 2021 17:18 (two years ago) link

I know those feelings. I can bully myself out of bed most mornings, but at the cost of feeling like I'm going to snap at some innocent bystander who said the wrong thing at the wrong time.

Infanta Terrible (j.lu), Monday, 12 July 2021 17:26 (two years ago) link

i'm sorry, forks. really fucking frustrating to be taking active steps to help yourself and then feel like shit all the same, sometimes.

and the chronic pain thing. all i have is sciatica down my right leg, for the last few years, and some days it is just unbearable. even when it's not, it's an added stressor - a real physical one - to everything else that's going on.

<3 forks. i think discussing it or being open about it is a good thing. i overdid/over-do that still, i think. but it really helped me. it felt good to just be like "i'm depressed but i've realized that if i'm high all the time, i feel better". then the guy holding the door open for me at burger king is like "......" but hey

Z_TBD (Karl Malone), Monday, 12 July 2021 17:28 (two years ago) link

yesterday i asked to pet a couple's dog on the sidewalk, and the way i did it was so fucking weird and bad that i yelled at myself all day over it. kind of ruined my own day! and all day i wished that i could just know if those two people thought i was really bad and weird afterward or if they totally didn't notice and went on with their day.

dwelling. it's bad

Z_TBD (Karl Malone), Monday, 12 July 2021 17:29 (two years ago) link


You must be logged in to post. Please either login here, or if you are not registered, you may register here.