Kids say the darndest things

my son just called me a "scallywag"

I cosign your son imo

call him a nincompoop

All these are such cute remarks. Here it's watching Sex Education.
Me (during scene in which two teens watch gay porn):"So you know what rimming is?"
My 13 yo:"Yes."
I'm like Gillian Anderson's character. Lol. Or Eurotrash. Basically, yeah, I educate my kids. 😂

You're a hero.

It's been snowing; yesterday the snow was pretty heavy all over our garden covering everything. Today a lot has melted, so the patio, garden path etc are visible again.

My 4yo, upon seeing the thawed garden path: "ahh, Pathy! you're back!"

aww

He’s been obsessed with spelling and numbers lately- wanting to count to a hundred, asking for the sum of two numbers vs the name of two numbers next to each other, etc.

Tonight he told me there is a number called ‘dash’, and I asked where he heard about it and he said “from the scientist I met before I was born”. This is like the third time he’s casually mentioned this scientist.

D:

Xxxpost hero? Naaaah. Haha. We've always been no holds barred w most things. Well, me mostly. Same w language: no baby talk. Just no.

We were talking yesterday and suddenly realized: in about four/five years she's off to university. Gone. On her own. Wtf.

4yo talking about his testicles again: "These are useless, aren't they daddy? I think they're what Topsy had removed" (Little girl character on kids' tv show who had her appendix out in the show)

O_O

I think he thought they were the same as an appendix (?!) which in the show they explain doesn't do anything...

Wah!

6yo daughter hammering on our hastily locked bedroom door, bellowing, "But there's no REASON for you to be NAKED! It doesn't make any SENSE!"

lol

yikes

So funny

"i have an object in my left nostril" - the four-and-a-half year old to the ER doc after shoving part of a juice box straw wrapper up his nose during nap time at preschool

"luigi? he's a butt scientist" - shit talking mom while they were "playing" OG super mario brothers

Both classic! That's exactly how I'd break that info to a doctor, to be honest.

4yo upset because he was thirsty and wanted a drink of water on the way to pre-school, and said he wouldn't drink any water at pre-school because it doesn't taste very nice. We wouldn't let him go all the way home for a drink so he started to cry... "Well crying won't help you!"
"Yes it will because I can drink my tears!"

we asked for that one, really

"Mom, can I have your phone when you die?"

💀

daughter Opal (turned 2 a month ago) is finally old enough for me to take part in this.

My wife always calls her "Peanut" and often if you refer to her as something else, she says "no, I'm a Peanut"

And when we put her to bed I always say "see you later, alligator" hoping eventually she'll say "in a while crocodile" because she did that once.

Tonight we left the room with the last thing being my saying that. After the door closed we heard her say:

"I'm not an alligator. Daddy always says alligator. I'm a peanut. I'm a peanut.....(pause)....honey roasted peanut"

lol

DON'T YOU GET IT DAD

<3

alligator pea

“Barack Obama — have you ever seen a picture of him? — his hair is flat; but Miles Morales, who was inspired by Barack Obama, his hair is big and curly... except in the ‘Ultimate Spider-Man’ TV show, where he takes off his mask, and his hair is also flat....”

First thing my 3 year old said when she woke up this morning:

A: "Daddy, is this the end?"
Me: "What?" (the fuck?)
A: "Is this the end of my ear?" (fiddling with said organ)

lol-pal!!

ours started singing "pregnant in-law! pregnant in-law!" to judas priest the other day and now i'll never be able to hear that song in the same way again

Opal, age 2 and 1 month, has a best friend named Pete, born the same week and lives around the corner. Pete's parents work different shifts and they have a nanny who's not always available so they met with a new potential back-up baby-sitter.

Opal's response to learning about this meeting was "When Pete going to get a new parent?"

Dan, that's the cutest thing. I wanna eat her now. Lol

H going on and on in the car about how he's going to find all of the golden eggs this Easter weekend and make a fortune. I'm not sure where he plans to find these cash-infused orbs, bu I did tell him he'd better learn what this weekend was all about or there wouldn't be any eggs, cash, cream or chocolate.

He studies Google for a moment, and then says, "Ah, here it is. Easter is all about the research action of Jesus Christ."

Apparently, I'm not playing enough Stone Roses around the house.

- "He was nailed to a platform and left to die."

- "A cross, son. He was nailed to a cross."

- "Well sure, some people call it that."

ha ha ha. Last night, I halfway started to tell my daughter what the deal with Easter actually was. Had second thoughts though and changed the topic.

Popped in Sainsbury's to get some bits for tea.

"Why is daddy buying so many things? He said we just needed pizza and a pepper and now he has bread and all sorts of other things. He is such a dick."

Nora is 4.

lol. enjoyed all of these updates. this might be common, but our 3 year old now measures long time periods in "naps". so if I say "so and so is happening in 3 days," he always responds "oh, 3 days" as if he understands but then always follows up with "...how many naps?" and i love it.

the other day my 10-y-o looked like he could barely keep his eyes open. i'm like "you ok over there?" and he looks over at me wearily and mutters "man's tired"

our son has been doing this thing which is killing me in both senses. i'll say something, and he'll add something like, "...dadda said mysteriously, as he loomed over his son."

or just now, I said, "You'll need a shower tonight for sure," and he responded, "I need a shower???! he said, taken aback." sometimes this goes on for like five minutes and i have to escape to another room.

"Stop doing that!"

"....dadda cried out, desperately!"

hahahaha thats next level. How old is he!?

I love it.

More infuriating than funny: mr 11 has said endlessly he doesnt want any easter chocolate cos "chocolate is my enemy!" (he has celiac and a few years back absolutely WOLFED down so many sweets he spewed, so hes kinda gone off them"

OK I sez to myself, I'll just get a couple of token Elegant Rabbits or something and pop them in the fridge for the lads.

Come sunday morning Mr11 comes downstairs asking "is it safe to come down?" "err...why wouldnt it be?" "aren't you putting out all the eggs to hunt"

...you mean the eggs YOU DIDNT WANT? *ragequits easter*.

trayce, that reminds me of someone who said 'Hell hath no fury like a toddler whose been given exactly the sandwich he asked for.' Of course, at 11 it's even more enraging.

Omar, that is the best thing i have ever heard.

Did I mention Elisabeth doesn't want kids?

"Push a baby out of my bum? No thanks. I'll adopt puppies instead."

A few months later:

"As Ophelia doesn't want kids, I'll have a baby. It's important to continue the family name."

Which will be hard because:

"Sex? Ewwww. It's two naked people twerking against eachother."

I was saying to Ophelia how great it was the school recommends continuing Latin & Old Greek.

"Your grades are very good!"

Ophelia:"It doesn't mean bec I have good grades, I love Greek."

Ok. Lol.

hahaha

Text from my wife: "Opal is climbing at the playground and she just pointed at the bench and said “can you do me a favor, sit over there”"

surved