Least promising Sequel/Remake/Franchise Flick of 2019

I'm glad that the makers of The Secret Life of Dogs didn't let the fate of their original star stop them from shoveling another heap of shit on our heads.

Godzilla movie includes Mothra, Ghidorah, Gamera and Rodan, I am hyped.

What Women Want is such a random movie to remake

A lot of these seem more low-rent than usual, like sequels to movies I'm barely aware of (eg part three of a Gerard Butler franchise that I didn't even realize had received a part two) and stuff that's being remade for a second or third time. And then like Dark Phoenix and New Mutants which are installments of a DOA franchise which I'm sure Marvel would just as soon sweep under the rug if not for potential $$$.

I've heard some substantive behind-the-scenes stuff on the production of Dark Phoenix being a complete shitshow so if anyone was expecting much from that one uhh maybe don't

Fast & Furious Presents is a good title but should really be an anthology show.

https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/b/b5/Alfred-Hitchcock-Presents-Title.jpg

I bet that Fast & Furious movie will be good

the part in Fast Five where they introduce The Rock's character and he's literally doing The People's Eyebrow in his FBI staff photo is one of the all-time great cinematic moments

do i need to see every F&F flick?

"need" no, but they're a lot of fun to go through

Have they managed to tie the original Corman flick into the franchise yet?

could be like that Eagles thing. ILF Watches F&F

I'm game

crypto u left off Playmobil: The Movie, which is still making me laugh several minutes after discovering its existence.

I spotted that one but left it off because it felt like more of the beginning of an attempted franchise than anything else (also, I've never heard of Playmobil). I guess you could say the same for The New Mutants, Captain Marvel, etc but anything CD/MCU is automatically franchise-y in my estimation.

I dunno how I missed Jacob's Ladder.

I love Jacob's Ladder and it's so of its specific time that I can't imagine a faithful remake bringing much of interest to the table

Without bothering to learn anything about it, I'm assuming the remake is going to swap Vietnam for Iraq.

I guess I'm glad this might lead to more ppl discovering the original, though I suspect...certain aspects...may now seem quaint to current viewers

crypto, Playmobil is kinda sorta like Lego but for kids who didn't want to build things and/or whose parents didn't love them as much.

There is no point to Playmobil now Wilko have serviceable knock-off lego at a sane price, why it needs to be celebrated right now is a mystery.

Sadistic parents relishing the crestfallen expressions on their kids' faces when they realize they've been taken to see The Playmobil Movie?

do i need to see every F&F flick?

you can start with #5

xpost I mean there's only so many times you can crush their hopes with giftwrapped Playmobil sets before they start to catch on.

yea I think #5 is where the series really got self-aware but Tokyo Drift is incredibly entertaining

That Jacob's Ladder trailer upthread looks fake.

It is fake. It says "concept trailer"

Other than Donald John Trump there are no three words in the English language that fill me with more revulsion than Tim Burton's Dumbo. I hope to never even see the trailer.

you can start with #5

the only thing it helps a tiny bit to know is that there's a big "getting the team back together" scene, but there has never been a team before, they just bring a bunch of people from the various other Fasts into the same flick.

Looking forward to hearing "When I See an Elephant Fudderwacken" tbh

Alice in Wonderland may at least have made some sort of sense on paper however much of a shitshow he made out of the material, but there's literally nothing about the story of Dumbo that's crying for Tim Burton's stylistic touch.

Maybe Dumbo will have ornate gothic angel's wings for ears.

Jesus, he only took the project so that he could put his touch on 'Pink Elephants' didn't he.

cant wait for john depp to play dumbos cruel suburban dad in the backstory

there was some sad dad bullshit in the trailer, don't fear

burton peaked with pee-wee's big adventure

True.

I like most of Burton's 90s films, think he turned to shit around 2000, which is now almost two decades of bad moviemaking.

I think he's mostly good until Planet of the Apes, but it's fairly undeniable imo that he hit his highest high right out of the gate.

I liked Pee-Wee’s Big Adventure, Batman and Ed Wood at the time and imagine that I still would if I watched any of them again. I can’t find any justification for his career beyond that.

Nightmare Before Christmas is a minor classic

that was Henry Selick, tho

Big Fish is defensible.

whaaaat

I’m still fond of beetlejuice, an inevitable future star of this poll

I like Big Fish and Sweeny Todd, everything else since 2000 has been bad. Worst are the Alice films, could not get through either.

I liked Pee-Wee’s Big Adventure, Batman and Ed Wood at the time and imagine that I still would if I watched any of them again. I can’t find any justification for his career beyond that.

Batman is bad, recently saw Batman Returns for the first time and it's great

Also, wow @ Kingsman 3. Have not heard a single person say a single good thing about the second (and few who had a good word for the first).

I think this one was greenlit alongside the second. The prequal is surprising, as I'd only heard about the third one and a Statesman spin-off series.

These films are pretty critic-proof. I thought the second came and went, but still made 100 Mil domestic (against a budget of 104 Mil, but still...)

These would be prime Trump movies, except, you know, BRITISH.

Batman is bad, recently saw Batman Returns for the first time and it's great

Haven't seen BR since it opened. I mostly remember my friends and I leaving the theater feeling bummed out. It's reputation has grown in recent years, though, so it probably deserves a fresh look.

I can't imagine wanting to sit through it again, just seems like a slog. I guess it's got the same 126 min runtime as the first one but in my memory it's 30 minutes longer.

made a jfk-style fan thread for batman returns a few years ago -- batman returns (1992) -- but it ends w a twist cliffhanger that's yet to be resolved

the thread, i mean

What Women Want is such a random movie to remake

― jmm, Friday, January 18, 2019 2:36 PM

Seriously, this is one of the least bad ideas on the thread. I want a film about women reading the mind of Mel Gibson.

But even if it wasn't Mel Gibson, still more interesting than most everything else here.

Was already remade with Andy Lau and Gong Li
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xhHqflh2kU4

Oscar Isaac as Gomez sounds great but since it's not live action it seems like a wasted casting choice.

John Wick 3, Pet Semetery and Hellboy are the only things I might see but probably wont see them at cinema.

Pet Semetary is by the folks who did Starry Eyes so I'm cautiously optimistic

Of people who don't know the property, you're going to get moviegoers who are either looking for swords & sorcery or some Temptation Isle-style t&a and everyone is going to be real real bummed with the result.

Fantasy Island should be a stealth Hellraiser reboot

solution: T&A swords and sorcery. it's actually a nostalgia flick for the early 1980s crowd! tough to make it work with the all-important PG-13 rating but it could be big big big!

Anyway, I try to debut each year’s poll on the release date of the year’s first S/R/F—which In 2020 will be January 3, with the latest attempt to make the Grudge films a thing—so stay tuned for that a little earlier this year (last year, Glass didn’t kick things off til over halfway into the month). The January/February lineup looks especially dire, though.

at least the idea of Fantasy Island the movie - and i'm sure it will be godawful - is infinitely more entertaining than all the usual suspect slop that fills up the remake circuit

The whole year's slate of property-centric fodder looks like a fucking wasteland, almost none of which is even slightly curiosity-piquing. Even the less risable stuff is just goddamn boring (another Peter Pan adaptation? really?).

fuck off

The New Mutants

did this happen?

Shazam!

this seems to have gotten about equal responses of "so great to see a happy kid-friendly superhero film from DC!" and "holy shit it's appalling how grimdark they made Captain Marvel"

Kingsman: The Great Game

this didn't happen, did it? do its votes roll over to next year if it's still on the list?

what is this shit

Angel Has Fallen
The Secret Life of Pets 2
A Dog's Journey
47 Meters Down: Uncaged
Grudge
Untitled Annabelle film

idk if any of these happened


don't give a shit

Avengers: Endgame
Captain Marvel

ended up seeing these as a double bill at a drive-in. a solid half-hour of entertaining, parseable filmmaking across the combined five hours of screen time


What Men Want

this didn't happen, right?


hyped

John Wick: Chapter 3 – Parabellum
- fuck yeah

fuck yeah!

Fast & Furious Presents: Hobbs & Shaw
- a F&F by the same writers room (?) with Chris Morgan's name on it, from one of the directors of John Wick, starring Statham but not wasting any time on Vin Diesel walking around finding his light and saying "fambly" 992x? fuck yeah

this wasn't good

moderately hyped

The Lego Movie 2: The Second Part
- this is not Lord & Miller on script I think, I know Rob Schrab got fired or walked as director, no idea who's involved at all, Lego Batman was dope and maybe better than Lego Movie 1, but had Chris McKenna writing iirc? anyway I assume there's some moderate quality control

this was okay, no Lego 1 or Lego Batman. probably great for ppl with enormous TVs and small children that they let watch things over and over again, bcz of zillions of details chicken-fatted into frame.

loosies

The Addams Family
- wtf? anyway I just saw Addams Family Values for the first time two months ago and I'm down if Ricci is in it and Sonnenfeld's directing

I know this came out and is now on off-brand free streaming channels so presumably nobody saw it

Happy Death Day 2U
- tonight a friend told me about Happy Death Day and her plans to see this on Valentine's Day and I'm now keen to catch #1

dug #1, so far warned off #2


Joker
- literally everything about this sounds like a bad idea on its own, imagine how bad it might turn out all multiplied together. I'd watch 20 minutes of it on TV to catch the Maron / DeNiro scene though

make that 3 minutes, maybe

Jumanji 3
- haven't seen Jumanj1, totally enjoyed 2manji on moviepass last year

after 11 months constant reflection, am prepared to take in JumanjIII


Men in Black: International
- solid positive memories of the Ed Solomon / Barry Sonnenfeld #1, can't remember anything about #2, will never see #3, but obviously can turn into a series with different actors, just off the premise. I miss Sonnenfeld generally though, often when watching Coen Bros comedies

did this end up being the biggest actual flop of the list?

Toy Story 4
- #3 was ludicrously good for how late it came, but another 9 years on and the likely plots are eeeesh

this one also seemed to have a split between "omg cried so hard" and "idk did we need another one, w/e" reactions

Zombieland (*Double Tap)
- super-enjoyed the first one, just checked and it's the same writers and Ruben Fleischer directing again, so the benefit of the doubt is open

dud reviews and kinda-half-rewatching the first one closed that benefit

to address your "did this happen" and "i assume this flopped" notes:

PUSHED TO NEXT YEAR: Kingsman prequel, The Grudge reboot, New Mutants (probably never actually coming out - it was filmed in 2017 for a 2018 release!).

CAME OUT ALREADY: Angel Has Fallen, Secret Life of Pets 2, A Dog's Journey, 47 Meters Down: Uncaged, Untitled Annabelle film ("Annabelle Comes Home"), What Men Want.

the hideous addams family cartoon was #2 at the box office in its opening weekend and grossed $180 million on a shockingly cheap $24 million budget. so get ready for a bunch more of those or at least of this sketchy studio cranking out shitty adaptations of old properties with scab labor or whatever it is they're doing.

biggest actual flop is Terminator I think - $250 million on a $200 million budget. MiB4 made $254 million on a $110 million budget which is also very bad given the likely marketing and distribution costs at this scale. Charlie's Angels is a worse flop in raw terms but it didn't actually cost that much to make.

now curious to see five mins of the Addams cartoon

startled at Terminator! it's still in cinemas and seemed to get OK to meh responses, vs universal disappointment in MIB.

terminator just cost more is all.... i mean it's probably more discussed online because more people who are heavily online even gave a shit in the first place, or were enticed in by hamilton's involvement. so you're more apt to hear people bothering to report that it was okay. i feel like people who went to MiB4 were like, bored teens down for a Hemsworth/Thompson movie and a stop at the food court, most of whom presumably stopped thinking or talking about the movie within six hours.

It was discussed in the dedicated thread, but I gather that the biggest problem with the new Terminator is that it's been a generation since they made a Terminator installment that anyone gave a shit about. Like would you even be invested enough to look into Godfather 8 after Coppola had been cranking out those increasingly-poor Sofia-centric sequels every 3-4 years (that whole cloning thing in the fourth installment was enough to chase me off for good)?

a movie with Chris Hemsworth and Tessa Thompson in it should be good, it's rude for them to be in a bad movie, disappointing bisexuals everywhere xp