Least promising Sequel/Remake/Franchise Flick of 2019

what men want should upset everybody so thats a plus point

The Addams Family is an upcoming American 3D computer animated comedy film based on The Addams Family comics by Charles Addams. The film is directed by Conrad Vernon and Greg Tiernan, previously the directors of Sausage Party

winner

fuck off

Aladdin
The Angry Birds Movie 2
Dark Phoenix
Dumbo
Glass
How to Train Your Dragon: The Hidden World
It: Chapter Two
The New Mutants
Pet Sematary
The Lion King
Shazam!
Tyler Perry's A Madea Family Funeral
Kingsman: The Great Game

what is this shit

Angel Has Fallen
The Secret Life of Pets 2
A Dog's Journey
47 Meters Down: Uncaged
Grudge
Untitled Annabelle film

don't give a shit

Avengers: Endgame
Captain Marvel
Charlie's Angels
Pokémon: Detective Pikachu
What Men Want
Star Wars: Episode IX
Terminator 6
Frozen 2
Spider-Man: Far From Home

hyped

John Wick: Chapter 3 – Parabellum
- fuck yeah

Fast & Furious Presents: Hobbs & Shaw
- a F&F by the same writers room (?) with Chris Morgan's name on it, from one of the directors of John Wick, starring Statham but not wasting any time on Vin Diesel walking around finding his light and saying "fambly" 992x? fuck yeah

moderately hyped

The Lego Movie 2: The Second Part
- this is not Lord & Miller on script I think, I know Rob Schrab got fired or walked as director, no idea who's involved at all, Lego Batman was dope and maybe better than Lego Movie 1, but had Chris McKenna writing iirc? anyway I assume there's some moderate quality control

loosies

The Addams Family
- wtf? anyway I just saw Addams Family Values for the first time two months ago and I'm down if Ricci is in it and Sonnenfeld's directing

Child's Play
- assuming this is just the 8th Child's Play by Don Mancini, keep going man. If it's some dumb remake, I hope Mancini gets a bunch of money and wanted to stop

Farmageddon: A Shaun the Sheep Movie
- I'm Nick Park or gtfo personally but Park's not great anymore and the bits of TV Shaun I've seen are good stuff, presume this is great for kids and I'd like it if I saw it

Godzilla: King of the Monsters
- is this a Japanese one or another American reboot?

Happy Death Day 2U
- tonight a friend told me about Happy Death Day and her plans to see this on Valentine's Day and I'm now keen to catch #1

Hellboy
- this seems pretty ill-advised all around but Mignola seems to have pursued it actively so he can do what he likes

Joker
- literally everything about this sounds like a bad idea on its own, imagine how bad it might turn out all multiplied together. I'd watch 20 minutes of it on TV to catch the Maron / DeNiro scene though

Jumanji 3
- haven't seen Jumanj1, totally enjoyed 2manji on moviepass last year

Men in Black: International
- solid positive memories of the Ed Solomon / Barry Sonnenfeld #1, can't remember anything about #2, will never see #3, but obviously can turn into a series with different actors, just off the premise. I miss Sonnenfeld generally though, often when watching Coen Bros comedies

Son of Shaft
- afaik the Sam Jackson one was already Son Of Shaft and that was fuckin' NINETEEN YEARS AGO. I'm down if it's Jackson playing his own son this time though

Toy Story 4
- #3 was ludicrously good for how late it came, but another 9 years on and the likely plots are eeeesh

Zombieland Too
- super-enjoyed the first one, just checked and it's the same writers and Ruben Fleischer directing again, so the benefit of the doubt is open

answer is probably It 2, Joker or one of the mocap remakes of a Disney cartoon I haven't seen

xpost I would say Noodle has it, but I just remembered I saw a trailer for Dumbo and fuuuuucking hell

- afaik the Sam Jackson one was already Son Of Shaft and that was fuckin' NINETEEN YEARS AGO. I'm down if it's Jackson playing his own son this time though

if it turns out this is actually Grandson Of Shaft then everyone involved should fall down a lift shaft, except if Roundtree has a cameo or Ernest Tidyman's kids need some surgery

nah i'm sure live action Disney animal cartoons are infinitely worse but i understand the cash imperative behind them whereas who the fuck ordered a fartfest Addams Family in 2019?

godzilla king of the monsters is gonna be great

i think our Joel was telling me it's a return to big monsters hitting each other for an hour and a half and none of this narrative nonsense?

first godzilla reboot in current iteration was better than expected but kong skull island was great

intro-bonding-corporate/miltary betrayal over in about 8 mins and after that its 90 mins of HOLY SHIT LOOK AT THAT BIG FUCKIN GORILLA MAN

yeah he mentioned that too, i mean i have to be in a very specific mood for this kind of thing but he's good on filtering out the actually entertaining stuff from the bullshit

yeah but Skull Island was at least by the dude who made Kings Of Summer

turns out this is by the guy who wrote Superman Returns for Bryan Singer, so log yr expectations accordingly

Lord & Miller did write Lego 2

directed by this guy though: Mike Mitchell is an American film director, producer, actor and former animator. He directed the films Trolls, Surviving Christmas, Sky High, Shrek Forever After and Deuce Bigalow: Male Gigolo.

Skull Island was good but on the evidence of the trailers the new Godzilla seems to be maintaining the po-faced tone of the first one - even if there are more monsters running around the place

NOT DUMBO OH GOD WHY

― sleeve, Thursday, January 17, 2019 11:02 PM (yesterday) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

Not just Dumbo. Tim Burton's Dumbo.

As hard a 'fuck you' as I'd deliver to any movie based on a game designed for phones, I would be twice as forceful in the 'fuck you' I'd deliver to that movie's sequel. Sorry, flappy, that's just how I feel.

Did they make a flappy bird movie?!

I would probably watch that

Would also watch. I just wanted to quell the impending furor because I know the fondness flappy harbors for movies adapted from handheld technology.

I had no idea wtf A Dog's Journey even was, and looking up the name of the preceding movie was no help.

crypto u left off Playmobil: The Movie, which is still making me laugh several minutes after discovering its existence.

Also, wow @ Kingsman 3. Have not heard a single person say a single good thing about the second (and few who had a good word for the first).

I usually like to vote for perpetual star war in these things but man the Disney shit is tempting

It’s Back, Baby! is probably the least promising one I will actually see, it’s contractually guaranteed to be shit iirc

(in b4 someone points out Star Wars IS Disney shit)

I'm glad that the makers of The Secret Life of Dogs didn't let the fate of their original star stop them from shoveling another heap of shit on our heads.

Godzilla movie includes Mothra, Ghidorah, Gamera and Rodan, I am hyped.

What Women Want is such a random movie to remake

A lot of these seem more low-rent than usual, like sequels to movies I'm barely aware of (eg part three of a Gerard Butler franchise that I didn't even realize had received a part two) and stuff that's being remade for a second or third time. And then like Dark Phoenix and New Mutants which are installments of a DOA franchise which I'm sure Marvel would just as soon sweep under the rug if not for potential $$$.

I've heard some substantive behind-the-scenes stuff on the production of Dark Phoenix being a complete shitshow so if anyone was expecting much from that one uhh maybe don't

Fast & Furious Presents is a good title but should really be an anthology show.

https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/b/b5/Alfred-Hitchcock-Presents-Title.jpg

I bet that Fast & Furious movie will be good

the part in Fast Five where they introduce The Rock's character and he's literally doing The People's Eyebrow in his FBI staff photo is one of the all-time great cinematic moments

do i need to see every F&F flick?

"need" no, but they're a lot of fun to go through

Have they managed to tie the original Corman flick into the franchise yet?

could be like that Eagles thing. ILF Watches F&F

I'm game

crypto u left off Playmobil: The Movie, which is still making me laugh several minutes after discovering its existence.

I spotted that one but left it off because it felt like more of the beginning of an attempted franchise than anything else (also, I've never heard of Playmobil). I guess you could say the same for The New Mutants, Captain Marvel, etc but anything CD/MCU is automatically franchise-y in my estimation.

I dunno how I missed Jacob's Ladder.

I love Jacob's Ladder and it's so of its specific time that I can't imagine a faithful remake bringing much of interest to the table

Without bothering to learn anything about it, I'm assuming the remake is going to swap Vietnam for Iraq.

I guess I'm glad this might lead to more ppl discovering the original, though I suspect...certain aspects...may now seem quaint to current viewers

crypto, Playmobil is kinda sorta like Lego but for kids who didn't want to build things and/or whose parents didn't love them as much.

There is no point to Playmobil now Wilko have serviceable knock-off lego at a sane price, why it needs to be celebrated right now is a mystery.

Sadistic parents relishing the crestfallen expressions on their kids' faces when they realize they've been taken to see The Playmobil Movie?

do i need to see every F&F flick?

you can start with #5

xpost I mean there's only so many times you can crush their hopes with giftwrapped Playmobil sets before they start to catch on.

yea I think #5 is where the series really got self-aware but Tokyo Drift is incredibly entertaining

That Jacob's Ladder trailer upthread looks fake.

It is fake. It says "concept trailer"

Other than Donald John Trump there are no three words in the English language that fill me with more revulsion than Tim Burton's Dumbo. I hope to never even see the trailer.

you can start with #5

the only thing it helps a tiny bit to know is that there's a big "getting the team back together" scene, but there has never been a team before, they just bring a bunch of people from the various other Fasts into the same flick.

Looking forward to hearing "When I See an Elephant Fudderwacken" tbh

"The Addams Family
- wtf? anyway I just saw Addams Family Values for the first time two months ago and I'm down if Ricci is in it and Sonnenfeld's directing"

neither are; it's a computer animated thing. sounds terrible, could be good, who fucking knows

If it has a remake of Hammer's "Addams's Groove", this movie will be amazing

It is in fact a feature-length adaptation of the 'Addams Groove' video so you're in for a treat, yeah.

pretty ill-advised all around but Mignola seems to have pursued it actively

nope:

What were your conversations with director Neil Marshall like?
Well, I never … I mean, I never really had much of a conversation with Neil. I only met him once or twice, I guess, before filming began.

Why allow a new, rebooted movie to happen?
I have no say in these matters because I don’t hold the film rights.

If one considers what is inherently promised by these sequels and reboots, one finds that the promise is often fulfilled.

detective pikachu

it’s good, folks

This sure looks like a contender, folks:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0R1-ZZTcTBY

I have zero attachment to the Banana Splits but the fact that this is happening makes me IA.

https://www.tor.com/2019/07/05/almost-every-sff-horror-comic-book-upcoming-adaptation/

List was so long I couldn't look at each one.

I imagine some of these will be in development for another decade.

between the new Ghostbusters and the computer-animated Scooby-Doo reboot titled Scoob!, 2020 is shaping up to be the year it was too late to cancel projects after Terminator: Dark Fate and Charlie's Angels

Oh my god, is there seriously a fucking Fantasy Island movie coming to theaters next year

Why does Hollywood hate us so deeply?

(To be released the same day as Sonic the Hedgehog, so start saving your nickels now, kids.)

omg @ Scoob!

I just scrolled through the slate of movies scheduled for next year and...honestly, it's the most depressing lineup of sequels and reboots maybe ever. Quite a herculean feat, I know, but they really pulled out all the stops for 2020.

Who does Hollywood imagine is the audience for a Fantasy Island movie?

The Montalban estate and the Landers sisters?

for a second i thought that said "Fireball Island" and was even more concerned for our future

https://cf.geekdo-images.com/imagepage/img/RObnZmyY5_VItWkAMag2rsONWbM=/fit-in/900x600/filters:no_upscale()/pic225462.jpg

but apparently Fireball Island actually was rebooted last. but as a board game, with totally overhauled rules and mechanics to make it more of an actual game. so outside of hollywood people apparently have some idea what they're doing with nostalgia properties.

er, last year

Saw the Hobbs and Shaw. Even by the increasing levels of disbelief the series depends on, it was bad. The Rock & co mesmerizing the villains with a haka performance, argh. Felt the series' meter indicator shift to Hate Watch.

The Montalban estate and the Landers sisters?

― the body of a spider... (scampering alpaca), Monday, December 9, 2019 12:28 PM (fourteen minutes ago) bookmarkflaglink

Don't tease me like this.

A handful of outliers aside, hasn't almost every cinematic reboot of a decades-old TV show been a colossal failure? Seems like a super risky niche but what do I know, maybe it'll be huge in China.

"Fantasy Island" is at least a vague, evocative and sexy title - you can imagine people who know nothing of the source material being intrigued. Maybe it'll be a horror movie - those are still doing well.

Of people who don't know the property, you're going to get moviegoers who are either looking for swords & sorcery or some Temptation Isle-style t&a and everyone is going to be real real bummed with the result.

Fantasy Island should be a stealth Hellraiser reboot

solution: T&A swords and sorcery. it's actually a nostalgia flick for the early 1980s crowd! tough to make it work with the all-important PG-13 rating but it could be big big big!

Anyway, I try to debut each year’s poll on the release date of the year’s first S/R/F—which In 2020 will be January 3, with the latest attempt to make the Grudge films a thing—so stay tuned for that a little earlier this year (last year, Glass didn’t kick things off til over halfway into the month). The January/February lineup looks especially dire, though.

at least the idea of Fantasy Island the movie - and i'm sure it will be godawful - is infinitely more entertaining than all the usual suspect slop that fills up the remake circuit

The whole year's slate of property-centric fodder looks like a fucking wasteland, almost none of which is even slightly curiosity-piquing. Even the less risable stuff is just goddamn boring (another Peter Pan adaptation? really?).

fuck off

The New Mutants

did this happen?

Shazam!

this seems to have gotten about equal responses of "so great to see a happy kid-friendly superhero film from DC!" and "holy shit it's appalling how grimdark they made Captain Marvel"

Kingsman: The Great Game

this didn't happen, did it? do its votes roll over to next year if it's still on the list?

what is this shit

Angel Has Fallen
The Secret Life of Pets 2
A Dog's Journey
47 Meters Down: Uncaged
Grudge
Untitled Annabelle film

idk if any of these happened


don't give a shit

Avengers: Endgame
Captain Marvel

ended up seeing these as a double bill at a drive-in. a solid half-hour of entertaining, parseable filmmaking across the combined five hours of screen time


What Men Want

this didn't happen, right?


hyped

John Wick: Chapter 3 – Parabellum
- fuck yeah

fuck yeah!

Fast & Furious Presents: Hobbs & Shaw
- a F&F by the same writers room (?) with Chris Morgan's name on it, from one of the directors of John Wick, starring Statham but not wasting any time on Vin Diesel walking around finding his light and saying "fambly" 992x? fuck yeah

this wasn't good

moderately hyped

The Lego Movie 2: The Second Part
- this is not Lord & Miller on script I think, I know Rob Schrab got fired or walked as director, no idea who's involved at all, Lego Batman was dope and maybe better than Lego Movie 1, but had Chris McKenna writing iirc? anyway I assume there's some moderate quality control

this was okay, no Lego 1 or Lego Batman. probably great for ppl with enormous TVs and small children that they let watch things over and over again, bcz of zillions of details chicken-fatted into frame.

loosies

The Addams Family
- wtf? anyway I just saw Addams Family Values for the first time two months ago and I'm down if Ricci is in it and Sonnenfeld's directing

I know this came out and is now on off-brand free streaming channels so presumably nobody saw it

Happy Death Day 2U
- tonight a friend told me about Happy Death Day and her plans to see this on Valentine's Day and I'm now keen to catch #1

dug #1, so far warned off #2


Joker
- literally everything about this sounds like a bad idea on its own, imagine how bad it might turn out all multiplied together. I'd watch 20 minutes of it on TV to catch the Maron / DeNiro scene though

make that 3 minutes, maybe

Jumanji 3
- haven't seen Jumanj1, totally enjoyed 2manji on moviepass last year

after 11 months constant reflection, am prepared to take in JumanjIII


Men in Black: International
- solid positive memories of the Ed Solomon / Barry Sonnenfeld #1, can't remember anything about #2, will never see #3, but obviously can turn into a series with different actors, just off the premise. I miss Sonnenfeld generally though, often when watching Coen Bros comedies

did this end up being the biggest actual flop of the list?

Toy Story 4
- #3 was ludicrously good for how late it came, but another 9 years on and the likely plots are eeeesh

this one also seemed to have a split between "omg cried so hard" and "idk did we need another one, w/e" reactions

Zombieland (*Double Tap)
- super-enjoyed the first one, just checked and it's the same writers and Ruben Fleischer directing again, so the benefit of the doubt is open

dud reviews and kinda-half-rewatching the first one closed that benefit

to address your "did this happen" and "i assume this flopped" notes:

PUSHED TO NEXT YEAR: Kingsman prequel, The Grudge reboot, New Mutants (probably never actually coming out - it was filmed in 2017 for a 2018 release!).

CAME OUT ALREADY: Angel Has Fallen, Secret Life of Pets 2, A Dog's Journey, 47 Meters Down: Uncaged, Untitled Annabelle film ("Annabelle Comes Home"), What Men Want.

the hideous addams family cartoon was #2 at the box office in its opening weekend and grossed $180 million on a shockingly cheap $24 million budget. so get ready for a bunch more of those or at least of this sketchy studio cranking out shitty adaptations of old properties with scab labor or whatever it is they're doing.

biggest actual flop is Terminator I think - $250 million on a $200 million budget. MiB4 made $254 million on a $110 million budget which is also very bad given the likely marketing and distribution costs at this scale. Charlie's Angels is a worse flop in raw terms but it didn't actually cost that much to make.

now curious to see five mins of the Addams cartoon

startled at Terminator! it's still in cinemas and seemed to get OK to meh responses, vs universal disappointment in MIB.

terminator just cost more is all.... i mean it's probably more discussed online because more people who are heavily online even gave a shit in the first place, or were enticed in by hamilton's involvement. so you're more apt to hear people bothering to report that it was okay. i feel like people who went to MiB4 were like, bored teens down for a Hemsworth/Thompson movie and a stop at the food court, most of whom presumably stopped thinking or talking about the movie within six hours.

It was discussed in the dedicated thread, but I gather that the biggest problem with the new Terminator is that it's been a generation since they made a Terminator installment that anyone gave a shit about. Like would you even be invested enough to look into Godfather 8 after Coppola had been cranking out those increasingly-poor Sofia-centric sequels every 3-4 years (that whole cloning thing in the fourth installment was enough to chase me off for good)?

a movie with Chris Hemsworth and Tessa Thompson in it should be good, it's rude for them to be in a bad movie, disappointing bisexuals everywhere xp