pearls of wisdom from the thanksgiving dinner table

Message Bookmarked

Bookmark Removed

Not all messages are displayed: show all messages (72 of them)

View Previous Page...

("The jungle")

--retired colonel

not one but 2 army men at the table tonight

― Mary (Mary), Friday, 26 November 2004 01:37 (nineteen years ago) link

'barack obama is "bright" and "articulate."'

"he speaks so well!"

― latebloomer (latebloomer), Friday, 26 November 2004 01:37 (nineteen years ago) link

(damn, I thought I got that wrong, I was trying to ignore everything really)

― teeny (teeny), Friday, 26 November 2004 01:39 (nineteen years ago) link

"When was the last time you heard about term limits from the Republicans?" (my Mom thinks the Democrats should take them up)

(btw, Barack Obama really is articulate in an extraordinary way that has to do in significant part with an excellent command of 'plain English', and also has a genius understanding of how people, himself first and foremost, work. he's not alone in such understanding, but he's rare in the confidence-but-not-arrogance with which he displays it.)

― gabbneb (gabbneb), Friday, 26 November 2004 04:38 (nineteen years ago) link

that last part is me, not my Mom

― gabbneb (gabbneb), Friday, 26 November 2004 04:38 (nineteen years ago) link

Repeated conversation, at least the idea was repeated:

"Can I have the recipe for [insert dish here]?"
"You expect me to remember? Have three glasses of wine, then see what you can do."

― Maria (Maria), Friday, 26 November 2004 04:40 (nineteen years ago) link

uncle: "have you seen the latest citibank commercial?"
*silence*
uncle: "well, i tell you, it's GREAT!!"
aunt: "we have it on the computer at home and watch it every morning before we go to work and school."
*cousins giggling hysterically*
uncle: "basically, it's this dude on a treadmill and it stops working so he leans over to see what's wrong and then it starts again and his head slams right into the handle bars and he falls back and is pushed into the bar between the legs -- right between the legs he gets it!!! -- and then it goes in reverse and he's thrown off backwards into the wall behind him and then a bookcase falls on him! falls RIGHT ON HIM!!"
*uncle's entire family laughs hysterically"
uncle: "i sent it to Sis to make her feel better about her son almost dying in that crash and being in a wheelchair and everything but she hasn't written back yet."

― j c (j c), Friday, 26 November 2004 04:50 (nineteen years ago) link

is it bad that that just cracked me up?

― Maria (Maria), Friday, 26 November 2004 04:52 (nineteen years ago) link

That commercial does sound great - sounds like 'Some Mother Do 'Ave 'em'. Will he send it to me to make me feel better?

― Kevin Gilchrist (Mr Fusion), Friday, 26 November 2004 04:53 (nineteen years ago) link

That was pretty hilarious in a horrible way jc! =)

― Trayce (trayce), Friday, 26 November 2004 04:53 (nineteen years ago) link

I met some family tonight that I hadn't met before (my step-grandfather's granddaughter and her husband.) Mom had warned me ahead of time that they were right-wingers.

We wound up spending the evening talking about how horrible Wal*Mart is and shouldn't be thought of as a good way to increase employment. Unionize and rebuild, blah blah blah.

I asked Mom later, I thought that you had said that they were Republican?

Mom said They are! California Republicans!

― Pleasant Plains (Pleasant Plains), Friday, 26 November 2004 06:08 (nineteen years ago) link

We talked about this missing persons' case that has been gaining a lot of local attention over the past two or three days. This fiftysomething high school teacher, a native of Dallas, didn't show up to school on Tuesday, which made adminstrators at the HS she worked at call up the police to search for her, and they found her home ransacked. A day later, police arrested this thirtysomething gardener and his teenage daughter, who were spotted leaving the location where the teacher's car was found, burned. In the daughter's possession were the teacher's ATM and credit cards. All the police are charging the two with at the moment is possession of stolen property, because they have no hard evidence that the teacher has been murdered, but while we were talking about this, we all agreed that we felt that the teacher had been murdered by these two people and the car was set on fire to destroy the evidence left in it.

Oh, and we talked about usual family rememberances and recipes and lighter stuff.

― Drama Queen Wannabe (Dee the Lurker), Friday, 26 November 2004 07:22 (nineteen years ago) link

Invitation to wisdom:
"This movie has a wonderful moral. Come watch it everybody!"

― Ken L (Ken L), Friday, 26 November 2004 12:01 (nineteen years ago) link

(btw, Barack Obama really is articulate in an extraordinary way

he is, but the joke here (i'm sure you know) is that people of a certain generation like to refer to educated/accomplished african-americans as "bright" and "articulate," which registers on a "some of my best friends are black" scale for some folks.

― stockholm cindy (Jody Beth Rosen), Friday, 26 November 2004 15:35 (nineteen years ago) link

That's the insidious nature of the Thanksgiving dinner table conversation: even when somebody makes a statement you might otherwise agree with, you are forced to refrain from comment or even disagree, to prove some finer point evident to no one in the room but yourself.

― Ken L (Ken L), Friday, 26 November 2004 15:44 (nineteen years ago) link

correct. i kept my mouth shut.

― stockholm cindy (Jody Beth Rosen), Friday, 26 November 2004 15:44 (nineteen years ago) link

yes, of course, but i think the joke stands in the way of peoples' recognizing just how bright and articulate he is. and, because i'm an urban liberal type (i.e. because I use the language of pragmatism and intellect to speak about morality), I really mean that he's a particularly good person. which is also what I think a lot of people are saying when they call him bright.

― gabbneb (gabbneb), Friday, 26 November 2004 15:45 (nineteen years ago) link

gabbneb is enacting the role of the brought along holiday guest who, instead of running interference or providing a source for normal, non-holiday conversation, buys into the whole thing lock, stock and barrel.

― Ken L (Ken L), Friday, 26 November 2004 16:02 (nineteen years ago) link

from my aunt: "What were the toilets like in england? did you have to shit in a hole?"

― jill schoelen is the queen of my dreams! (Homosexual II), Friday, 26 November 2004 16:08 (nineteen years ago) link

i guess whatever his suave-ish-ness, perhaps he's just too earnest to appeal to young people. not Bill Clinton yet.

― gabbneb (gabbneb), Friday, 26 November 2004 16:09 (nineteen years ago) link

Jessa's dad tells terrible jokes.

"Did you hear about the Amish woman who took another lover? She likes two Mennonite." (men a night, obv, ho ho, punny!)

― Pears can just fuck right off. (kenan), Friday, 26 November 2004 16:10 (nineteen years ago) link

My mother: "WHY YOU EAT SO MUCH TURKEY?? THIS IS WHY NO ONE WANTS TO MARRY YOU."

― S!monB!rch (Carey), Friday, 26 November 2004 16:26 (nineteen years ago) link

You're kidding.

― Pears can just fuck right off. (kenan), Friday, 26 November 2004 16:27 (nineteen years ago) link

My gf caught hell, too. I could hear it start up whenever I went to the bathroom. Accusations of generally not having her shit together from her mother. And this directed toward a woman who runs her own business. Gah. Some people are never happy.

― Pears can just fuck right off. (kenan), Friday, 26 November 2004 16:28 (nineteen years ago) link

wait...someone DOESN'T want to marry carey?

― Haibun (Begs2Differ), Friday, 26 November 2004 16:29 (nineteen years ago) link

"I *like* gay people!" - from a nice Christian suburban housewife. I was waiting for "My hairdresser is gay!" but she got cut off.

― bnw (bnw), Friday, 26 November 2004 16:30 (nineteen years ago) link

that is very sweet!

― Haibun (Begs2Differ), Friday, 26 November 2004 16:31 (nineteen years ago) link

MY MOM IS CRAZY CHINESE. She took all the leftovers from dinner at my brother's/sister in laws house (baked brie, green bean casserole, ham, turkey, stuffing etc etc). I couldn't find the HUGE container this morning and I see her walk inside with it empty. SHE HAD BURIED IT ALL IN THE GARDEN and told me she had only buried the potato skins. We had an argument about whether I was going to go dig it up with a shovel to prove that she was lying. SHE HATES people eating and hides food. I SERIOUSLY BLAME 1990S OPRAH.

― S!monB!rch (Carey), Friday, 26 November 2004 16:37 (nineteen years ago) link

I smell "award-winning ethnic/indie movie festival scriptwriting award" from here

― Haibun (Begs2Differ), Friday, 26 November 2004 16:39 (nineteen years ago) link

when she said the thing about marriage I said (to like 4 married couples) WHY WOULD I GET MARRIED??? THAT WOULD KEEP ME FROM DATING OTHER PEOPLE.

― S!monB!rch (Carey), Friday, 26 November 2004 16:40 (nineteen years ago) link

not with me, carey, not with me

― Haibun (Begs2Differ), Friday, 26 November 2004 16:41 (nineteen years ago) link

Carey, your mother needs grandchildren like NOW.

― Ian John50n (orion), Friday, 26 November 2004 16:42 (nineteen years ago) link

NO, she would dress it up like THE LAST EMPEROR AND make it eat mushy tofu and give it pork bones to play with and try to teach it chinese by giving it a book and make it watch ONE LIFE TO LIVE when it wants to watch THE LITTLE RASCALS.

― S!monB!rch (Carey), Friday, 26 November 2004 16:50 (nineteen years ago) link

Over many years, I've gotten my biological clock adjusted properly -various mental strategies and defensive hormones kick in- so that Thanksgiving I can actually take (fingers xed for Xmas). Forgive my if I bogart the thread, but there's a certain kind of upbeat chatter on all the OTHER days of the year, when some have forgotten to take down the holiday cheer, that really gets under my skin. Breakfast time example: "This is the BEST orange juice!" said for some mysterious reason in all seriousness while holding Tropicana carton aloft, perhaps as some sort of benediction, a prognostication of a good day for one and all.

― Ken L (Ken L), Friday, 26 November 2004 16:53 (nineteen years ago) link

mom: i've always wanted to watch oprah, i hear people talking about it a lot.
aunt: yes, i've never seen oprah either, but you know who's great? ellen degeneres!
cousin: yes, she's hilarious!
uncle: very funny lady.
mom: oh yes?
uncle: and you know, she's a lesbian.
*uncle's entire family nods knowingly*
uncle: you have to watch lesbians on tv so they can get equal rights.
*long pause*
cousin: actually, she kind of creeps me out.

― j c (j c), Friday, 26 November 2004 16:55 (nineteen years ago) link

otmfm

― Ken L (Ken L), Friday, 26 November 2004 17:02 (nineteen years ago) link

Right now have lost any shred of sang-froid I may have pretended to earlier, as I come to icy realization that my Thanksgiving holiday is going into extra innings, if you catch my drift, and my 24-hour T-day protective power pill has long since worn off. More "best glasses of Tropicana ever" to drink, "best slices of Kraft Swiss" to eat, and more, many more pretty, oh so pretty decorative arrangements to have my attention called to, holiday and everyday, floral and otherwise, both in and out of doors. Father Christmas, give us some money!

― Ken L (Ken L), Friday, 26 November 2004 20:25 (nineteen years ago) link

the Sims bitch each other out

― kingfish (Kingfish), Friday, 26 November 2004 20:31 (nineteen years ago) link

I shouldn't be laughing this hard, but I am.

― Je4nne ƒury (Jeanne Fury), Friday, 26 November 2004 20:42 (nineteen years ago) link

"Dont eat them green deepfried wasabi balls...them shits aint no good...i dont care what the hell your mother says..."

― Spinktor, Friday, 26 November 2004 20:44 (nineteen years ago) link

As for us, everyone in the family is hard of hearing. So frustrating. A lot of "What?" and the necessary follow-up "What?" from everyone else at the table. Yeah, funny fuckers are we.

― Je4nne ƒury (Jeanne Fury), Friday, 26 November 2004 20:44 (nineteen years ago) link

Lil Jon promotes de(a)fness

― kingfish (Kingfish), Friday, 26 November 2004 22:03 (nineteen years ago) link

William: "Buh."
Me: "Ball."
W: "Buh."
M: "Ball."
W: "Buh."
M: "Buh."
W: "Buh."

Then I give my godson his ball.

W: "SQUEE-AH-AH!"

― Michael Daddino (epicharmus), Friday, 26 November 2004 22:07 (nineteen years ago) link

On the other hand, my grandmother asked me yesterday how school was.

I haven't gone to school in over eleven years.

― Michael Daddino (epicharmus), Friday, 26 November 2004 22:14 (nineteen years ago) link

I missed the big dinner with family this year so here's one from a couple of years ago:

My 85 year old widowed aunt Ruth had recently remarried. She's pretty right wingish and a longstanding member of the Daughters Of The American Revolution. Her new husband, Jim, a suit dressed, dapper sort of older gentleman, at one point proposed a toast. We all reached for a glass to lift in reverence as he recited:

Here's to the breezes
That flow through the treeses
And through the girls' kneeses
And up their chemises

There were a few small laughs, folks drank, and things proceeeded from there. Somehow, my brother and I managed to control our emotions of that moment and stepped outside shortly thereafter and proceeded to laugh our asses off for about a half an hour.

― jim wentworth (wench), Saturday, 27 November 2004 04:31 (nineteen years ago) link

I heard Barack Obama was "talented."

― Sanjay McDougal (jaymc), Saturday, 27 November 2004 08:20 (nineteen years ago) link

Compared to "articulate," that's perfectly fair.

John, I think we're the only two people awake right now.

― Pears can just fuck right off. (kenan), Saturday, 27 November 2004 08:23 (nineteen years ago) link

I am too, and he was just on Letterman. I think we can give the relatives a pass on this because he is noticeably more well-spoken than any politician, or public figure in general.

― nickn (nickn), Saturday, 27 November 2004 08:29 (nineteen years ago) link

This much is true.

< /Spandau Ballet >

― Pears can just fuck right off. (kenan), Saturday, 27 November 2004 08:33 (nineteen years ago) link

From two years ago:

Step-Grandmother: "Most homosexuals are quite well-off."

― It's hard to kill a horse with a flute (AaronHz), Saturday, 27 November 2004 08:35 (nineteen years ago) link

hahahaha ha ha haha HA

― Pears can just fuck right off. (kenan), Saturday, 27 November 2004 08:39 (nineteen years ago) link

The context was something like:
"Why would Elizabeth Taylor want to marry a gay?"
"Why would he want to marry her? For the money?"
"Not likely. Most homosexuals are quite well off."

― It's hard to kill a horse with a flute (AaronHz), Saturday, 27 November 2004 08:42 (nineteen years ago) link

Well, now we know that discrimination against homosexuals is officially over. They're all RICH, after all.

― Pears can just fuck right off. (kenan), Saturday, 27 November 2004 08:43 (nineteen years ago) link

That's what got me. Like the government writes you a big check if you come out of the closet. Or is the implication that only someone living a life of wealth, privilege and leisure would "decide" to be gay? I dunno, either way it cracked me up.

― It's hard to kill a horse with a flute (AaronHz), Saturday, 27 November 2004 08:48 (nineteen years ago) link

It's a strong argument aginst Will and Grace, either way.

― Pears can just fuck right off. (kenan), Saturday, 27 November 2004 09:17 (nineteen years ago) link

Like the government writes you a big check if you come out of the closet. Or is the implication that only someone living a life of wealth, privilege and leisure would "decide" to be gay

Like the government writes you a big check if you are born Jewish. Or is the implication that only someone living a life of wealth, privilege and leisure would "decide" to be a Jew?

― Pears can just fuck right off. (kenan), Saturday, 27 November 2004 09:25 (nineteen years ago) link

OK Momus

― It's hard to kill a horse with a flute (AaronHz), Saturday, 27 November 2004 09:26 (nineteen years ago) link

Well, come on. Absurd is absurd.

― Pears can just fuck right off. (kenan), Saturday, 27 November 2004 09:29 (nineteen years ago) link

There's seven gay bankers that control the world economy.

― It's hard to kill a horse with a flute (AaronHz), Saturday, 27 November 2004 09:39 (nineteen years ago) link

That's the spirit.

― Pears can just fuck right off. (kenan), Saturday, 27 November 2004 09:41 (nineteen years ago) link

Carey, why did you go home? I thought you had given that up?

― Mary (Mary), Saturday, 27 November 2004 17:21 (nineteen years ago) link

two years pass...

"Did you hear about the Amish woman who took another lover? She likes two Mennonite." (men a night, obv, ho ho, punny!)

-- Pears can just fuck right off. (kenan), Friday, November 26, 2004 4:10 PM (2 years ago)

Wait, kenan, was she a J-Dub?

― Abbott, Monday, 19 November 2007 19:44 (sixteen years ago) link

nine years pass...

Don't know if you heard about this or not, but wikipedia stole the election from Hillary.

― pplains, Friday, 25 November 2016 01:46 (seven years ago) link

five years pass...

Let the Seasonal Stockholm Syndrome begin!

― Meet Me in the Z'Ha'Dum (James Redd and the Blecchs), Friday, 18 November 2022 14:26 (one year ago) link

😳

― Meet Me in the Z'Ha'Dum (James Redd and the Blecchs), Tuesday, 22 November 2022 23:15 (one year ago) link

i have curated my family feed such that I don't get bad opinions

― Lord Pickles (Boring, Maryland), Tuesday, 22 November 2022 23:26 (one year ago) link

You must be logged in to post. Please either login here, or if you are not registered, you may register here.