Trans/Genderqueer/Agender/Questioning Thread

So much of that sounds sooooo familiar, Em -- in the early days of the internet I did the same things, exploring my identity via IRC chat rooms, AOL forums and other places, and it always left me extremely unfulfilled. Like you said, I'd log out and nothing would be any different. <3 to you and know that there's a big queer family out here supporting you!

congrats em. i know what you mean about the body hair - a lot of what kept me from acknowledging my issues was not having to put all the work in to look good as i'm very lazy. i just feel so much better without all that hair, though!

i don't like all the testosterone i have in my body, but i find myself surprised at how much i can attenuate the tendency towards anger and violence just by not behaving in culturally male ways. i know how camp i sound when i do it, but talking in a softer tone, using more variation in tone, really emphasizing the upper part of my range, it all makes me feel a lot happier and more relaxed.

maybe i'm being overly negative, but until the idea of men being feminine stops meeting such hostility and resistance, i'm not sure what hope there is for "masculinity".

Great strides Liz and Em. Leave it all behind, the future belongs to future you.

thanks lovely people.

i can attenuate the tendency towards anger and violence just by not behaving in culturally male ways

nail on the head. my masc. confidence and personality spoke louder (figuratively) than my feminine, given the environments i grew up in - pubs, working class places, etc. part of me doesn't want to lose this extroverted joviality; it's how my friends know me - i'm still figuring out how to be confident and outspoken and feel femme, too. i don't want to feel muted and shy, but i very much did forget how to be gentle!

informed my boss of my preferred pronouns today and how i'd like to be addressed by them at work. she was so supportive in response i almost started crying

anyway: that's pretty good progress

good job! i look forward to talking about pronouns this first week of classes. it feels super good to be inclusive!!

Brad <3

My oldest (13) is going through puberty and "figuring" things out. She's into gender politics, learning about... herself/sexuality,... I told her I just want her to be happy. So whatever she identifies as: I love her. I love reading this thread. I'll go back to lurking.

Yay, Brad!

Brad that's great!

i'm glad this thread is here too

i'm mostly not dealing with shit. whenever i think about things my thoughts get so dark so quick. it's surprising how quickly shaving has become a habit for me, though. i thought it would be time-consuming and unpleasant. it's really just time-consuming.

Pretty great reply from Nick Cave to this question in his newsletter:

I’m non-binary, which (sorry if you already know this) means I feel neither male nor female. To most of the people who know me in this shitty country town, I’m a butch dyke. My amazing girlfriend got me into your music, and I honestly can’t adequately thank her for it, and can’t adequately thank you. Especially when I saw some of the music videos, the androgyny and sort of cross-genderedness of your performance style (my girlfriend agrees you often bring an amazing drag-queen energy) make me feel so seen and understood, in a way I never get to in my real life. I never thought I’d see the physical embodiment of what my mind desperately wants my body to be like, though it’ll never be. It was an unformed yearning before. I want to be like you when I grow up. I guess my question is, what would you say to as not-man, not-woman, pseudo-dyke fan and their unformed yearning to feel right in their body and now has an admittedly unattainable model for exactly what they want to be?

https://www.theredhandfiles.com/unformed-yearning-to-feel-right-in-their-body/?fbclid=IwAR2jXVSm-4qLhkbRutLFRpL3IWISfGjqAmCX0y2WAkIgjUsh04SCovvifxY

petition to make nick cave the new pope

because seriously fuck the pope

It also seems that for most of my life I felt a strange gravitational pull toward an undisclosed traumatic event, that could only be described as a dreadful yearning, and I found it eventually in my son’s death – something that both destroyed me and ultimately defined me.

Wow

cis guy here with maybe some dumb thoughts that i'm not sure if this is the right place to ask or bring it up. but i'm curious what the ILX community such as we are could do to be better on trans/NB/intersex gender stuff, in the interest of going beyond tolerant to being actively helpful. for example, i have noticed people using pronouns for other posters where i'm pretty sure those are not that person's pronouns, but i don't myself know what their pronouns are. like lots of ILX knowledge, the facts are probably in some thread somewhere, but who knows where, and would it be my place to step in and correct anyway, or would folks in general prefer to handle that themselves? i wonder if it might even be an interface question - would it be good if profile pages, or the posting signature, have an (optional) space to put pronouns, or would that create other problems or pressures?

this inspired me to put my pronouns in my profile, so thanks doc

aww you're welcome. just did the same.

also, love the DN!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3LnJ5ixcFyU

been practicing my spivaks lately; that shit is hard to rewire your brain around

I almost never look at profiles unless someone's being an absolute dick and may be about to get banned, I should probably check them more often.

In terms of the original question, I'd probably try to do a friendly "not sure you've got these pronouns right" post, not accusatory but just giving someone a heads-up. That's assuming that the poster they're referring to has expressed what pronouns they prefer on this forum - it's a reasonable thing to keep details of your life off ilx, even though we're generally pretty non-anonymous.

ilx is doing fine, the only thing that would help is if the board was more active, which can't be helped i don't think. i keep thinking about starting a 77 thread for trans/nb/genderqueer issues but i just don't think the board's active enough anymore for it. i just cannibalize the bi thread, which people there are fine with.

pronouns in profiles an excellent idea! i’ll definitely do that.

btw i have something to say re 77 but will keep it to 77

and just picking up doctor casino’s points: in my ~~~journey~~~ (not for this thread) i’ve picked up a hell of a lot of detailed language and etiquette around gender identity and sexuality, and would love to make myself available to help or talk about any of this. my ilx email address is long dead but i’ll happily make a new account with my real email address if it would help.

for the record i did go ahead and start a 77 trans/nb/genderqueer thread but to be honest I don't know how much use it will get, I'm only familiar with three current regulars who self-describe that way and I don't even know if the other two are on 77. I think it's nice to have a semi-public space to talk in-depth about some of this stuff but at the same time I have a pretty strong aversion to being the only one in the room talking, if I'm gonna journal I'll just journal and not post it anywhere.

I have a pretty strong aversion to being the only one in the room talking

same, but being a 77 thread it could grow in detail and patronage (general e.g.: there is a load of stuff i would never say off 77)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8e1h31hVGSw

I am not on 77 but would be happy to talk about my transition and related issues there.

somebody give eliza 77 access already! :)

Hi everyone! As of yesterday I'm officially out as a transgender woman. I'm Kate. It's good to know all of you!

Hi Kate. Congrats!

Wow, congrats!

That's so awesome, congrats Kate!

hi kate!!!! congratulations <3

howdy everyone!

congrats Kate!

Yayte!

Way to go Kate!

Kate! <3 Congratulations!!!

yay kate ❤️

thanks again everyone! also Eliza I don't want to embarrass you but I do want to say that there were a lot of people who transitioned before me and just seeing their experience helped me a lot, helped give me the confidence to realize I could do this and it was possible for me, and you were definitely one of them in a big way for me, so I want to thank you for that.

**blushes deeply** I am very flattered and glad that I could help in any way. And will continue to do so!

My own transition experience is, of course, still ongoing and there are always new things to deal with. This weekend, e.g., I am attending a baby shower for a cousin, and it will be the first time any family members except my mother, nephews and niece have seen me in person since I started transitioning. And a lot of my family are RWNJs. To say I am nervous would be exceptionally understating it.

I recently had a very “soft” coming out as MTF transgender online elsewhere, but I haven’t really talked about it in depth here.

After a lifetime of buildup my “egg” finally cracked back in January, and I came out to my siblings and my cousin (whose gf is trans) first. They were all supportive and continue to be. I came out to my parents next, and thankfully they have handled it pretty well so far. My mom even said “It makes sense, you’ve always been so girly.” Lol. My dad kinda just grudgingly accepts it, but I expected as much.

Outside of my immediate family, though, I’ve been very selective about revealing anything. I’ve been especially trepidatious because earlier this year two long-time female friends of mine, both of whom I trusted, completely flipped out and cut me off after I told them that I was trans. Astoundingly, despite not knowing each other they had both been frequenting similar TERF-y places online and soaking up all of that vile propaganda.

Obviously that was a real gut punch, and to make things worse, a therapist I was seeing for my ASD/ADHD issues (a whole other kettle of fish by itself) completely dropped out of sight after a personal domestic crisis. There was no advance warning or referrals for me (or any of her other clients, as I later learned). Unsurprisingly, with all of these abandonments happening in quick succession, my ability to trust people took something of a hit for a while.

Thankfully I have since found a very kind and generous LGBTQ-friendly therapist, and she was able provide a referral for HRT. I started on spironolactone about a month ago. If all goes well, I may start on estrogen next month, but we’ll see.

Right now I’m trying to take this slowly and go at my own pace. Out of necessity I’m still (mostly) presenting as male for now. While there are actually a good number of trans people where I live, it’s still a very conservative area, so it’s not always easy to know where and when to feel safe.

In any case, while it’s scary at times, I am glad to have started on this path.

Thanks for reading!

<3,
LB

P.S. As some of you know, my name IRL is Alex, which was short for Alexander but is now short for Alexandria. My preferred pronouns are she/her or they/them. Thanks again!!

X-post congrats Kate!

YAYTEBOOMER!!!!!!!!!! ALEXANDRIYAY!!

blooming post

hiii kate, hi alexandria !

also latebloomer this is an incredible ilx username reveal/plot twist/bit of foreshadowing

Welcome Alexandria! Sorry you had to go through that bad stuff so early on. A beginning is a very delicate time, and it's really hurtful, and a lot of work to overcome, when someone comes at you with the shamehammer that early on. I'm still afraid of it to a certain extent - it still feels awful - but people have given me so much support and love and acceptance that now I feel like I can handle it. I'm glad you're moving forward with your life at a pace you feel comfortable with despite being hurt by people you trusted. If it helps, every day there are more of us on Team Love/Support/Acceptance and we will not stop until you and every other trans person out there has more gender euphoria than they know what to do with. :)

Ogmor so much of my life feels like first-act foreshadowing now...

Hooray <3 <3 <3 Alexandria!!!!

Wau @ Kate and Alexandria, congratulations, y'all and others itt are bravely embracing who you are to an extent that genuinely inspires awe in me.