ILX Parenting 6: "Put Some Goddamn Pants On Before You Go Outside!" is a thing I say now

We've had "no presents please" invites, with no trouble. Another non-stuff-centric party idea we've seen is a book exchange (everyone brings a used (or new) book; everyone leaves with a different book.

sigh. Presents at birthday parties just became an issue for us too at 4 years old. I think because we’re now inviting kids from daycare, ie, outside our usual anti-capitalist social circle ;) I said “no presents necessary please” on the invite to A’s party but some people brought presents anyway - I think it’s really important to some people as a way of showing affection, and I’ve noticed that it matters to some kids in that sense too. I don’t want to deny people their means of showing affection but at the same time, well, that does tend to set the norm and presents just become expected by the 5th birthday party.

We went to a 4 year old’s party recently where EVERYONE brought presents and we’d just made a card. I felt kind of sad because I’d inadvertently made my kid the kid who didn’t bring a present :/ (which I realize was me as a kid because we were low-income - I don’t recall it bothering me too much until I was 8 or 9. I also don’t recall kids bday parties being a big deal!) I think I’ve just decided that we’ll give art supplies in future. Though it’s entirely likely that my child will try to convince me otherwise soon enough!

I like the book exchange idea!

My 4 year old is suddenly death obsessed. In the school hallway there's a picture of him with a balloon from an event a year ago. He keeps saying, "That balloon is dead." He told two of his teachers this morning that his grandpa died, which isn't true. He was singing "Rusty Cage" today and said, "Johnny Cash died a little bit so I sing his songs now. My name is Johnny Nash."

He can see clearly now, the Man In Black is gone.

The book exchange idea is gr8

my boy is turning 4 next week. but his party is tomorrow because we got family in town. I'm not even sure if I should buy him a present. he doesn't really know yet. he's got enough toys, obviously

btw - how the hell are you supposed to brush a 4-year old's teeth? he just whips his head around, bites the brush, blocks you from putting it in his mouth, etc etc...then gets mad when I accidentally brush his face instead

Elmo brushing video on YouTube worked pretty well for us. But she has never minded brushing too much.

we tie in teeth brushing with everything else that needs to happen in the morning before we leave the house. we have a checklist on the fridge (with images/icons for the four-year-old), and once they've done everything on the list, they can have screen time until it's time to leave. no screen time until they're all done. it doesn't work every single day but it has improved mornings a lot in the month or so we've been doing it. if she's in the right mood, she does everything (eating breakfast, putting dishes in kitchen, getting dressed, putting on socks and shoes, brushing teeth and hair, picking out a snack, and "having a good attitude") herself, though most days i'm assisting with some of them.

Similar here, there are three jobs that need to get done every morning prior to any media of any type - get dressed, eat, brush teeth. Brushing isn't really that hard as he's never really fought it, and he actually is capable of doing it all by himself if he really wants to.

He turns 4 tomorrow which still flips me out, thinking about how insanely different my life was four years ago. Also flips me out how much he can do now - like yesterday my wife was up and in the kitchen, I was showering, and the kid woke up on his own and appeared in the kitchen with all his clothes for the day that he had picked out for himself. My wife assumed that I had helped him and he was like "papa was in the shower so I got clothes by myself", like no big deal. He gets up and pees in the middle of the night and goes back to bed on his own, etc. which is equally amazing and makes me sad.

Happy birthday Joykid!
Mine turns 4 soon too. He needs a lot of encouragement to do stuff on his own; I suspect he's a bit lazy.

I have a problem with screen time/tv in that I don't mind him watching a limited amount (we have some excellent educational kids' tv shows here and my son is like a sponge for this stuff) but even if you emphasise we're only having one/two/three programmes (discuss beforehand what's gonna happen after the first one finishes etc) he gets really cross when it's time to switch it off and is constantly asking for 'one more, I only want one more'. My friend suggested engaging with him about what he's just watched which helps a little but it makes it a real drag to put something on to kill 15 minutes without having a load of whining afterwards.

Anyway, I'm so excited for Christmas this year because of him! Last year he was just turned 3 so had an idea about it all but was sick on the day so was a bit of an anticlimax. He's gonna love it this year (and probably go a bit crazy with it all)

and happy birthday tadpolebs

yea I think mine is behind a little. it's not until we had the 2nd one that we realized that our 1st was probably more difficult than most. though my parenting isn't really the greatest. for example he loves to have the inside lights on in the car, which I dislike (at night at least), but what I dislike more is him kicking and screaming and tossing his shoes or whatever. he still asks for his pacifier at home and sometimes I'm so exhausted I just give it to him. he also has a long and convoluted bedtime routine that I'm not sure how to change. it's just...so hard to deal with these fully fledged meltdowns every day. he's not autistic - he's very in tune with people's feelings, he knows exactly what he should and shouldn't do, but maybe he's got a little touch of it, like I do. I hate yelling at him and he's like 50 lbs now so I can't exactly corral him the way I used to. funny thing is he's apparently very well behaved at school/day care.

ha, mine's similar, his new pre-school was amazed that he would have meltdowns as he's very well behaved there. And in some ways fairly mature for his age. He also likes the lights on in the car. He had a dummy (pacifier) for ages until he was about 2.5? Can't remember. He only had it for naps/sleep but we thought it was going to be a nightmare to get him off it. One day he was in the bath and I noticed a crack in the rubber of the dummy so I showed him 'oh look, it's broken, we have to throw it away and we don't have a new one'. He was surprisingly fine with that (he's quite practically-minded) although it did mess up his going to sleep at night for a couple of weeks.

I know kids change loads every year but from 3 to 4 he's gone from toddler to proper kid; it's quite weird. It's also felt like one of the longest years because we've had loads of life changes. We didn't really have 'terrible twos' but when he hit three (and his sibling came along) he's really been testing everything with us.

It really is an amazing phase in some ways, because you know they're right around that age you were when you first started developing memories. One thing that made me really emotional was a few nights ago when I put him to bed and a half hour later I could hear him in there playing with his trucks, trying to be quiet so I wouldn't hear. And then just falling asleep a bit later. I remember doing that when I was around that age!!

I’m a bit astounded by 4 so far - the imaginative independent play, logical (if never-ending) questions, figuring out emotions in more nuanced ways, genuinely SHARING stuff. And if I visit with friends who have kids the same age or older, they go off and play together and we get to have actual conversations! I’m crossing my fingers and pinching myself. I’m still exhausted and stretched a bit thin but feel generally less frazzled-by-child.

We can have some terrible behaviour after school with emotions all over the place. Reading an article about Restraint Collapse really made sense - basically they have a limited amount to give when it comes to good behaviour and by the time school ends, it’s all used up. And home is their comfort zone where they can let it all out.

But yeah, I agree about four - so many amazing developments (including having uninterrupted grown-up conversations on playdates!)

re: brushing teeth, using the Disney Magic Timer app on the phone helped a lot with my kids. And both stopped needing the app after a dentist visited their preschool for a presentation (though the 4yo has since gone back to the app).

Oh man, restraint collapse. I'd never heard this term, but we have 2.5 year old twins and have been going through this after daycare now pretty much daily with one or the other, sometimes both. Thank you.

Imaginative independent play is kind of amazing - I love hearing him in the other room making up scenarios and having conversations between toys.

He got obsessed with Ghostbusters last week, watched some of the early 90s cartoon (and the insanely bad EXTREME GHOSTBUSTERS from 1997 that I never knew existed) and suddenly four of his star wars figures with guns molded into their hands were the ghostbusters and every green toy or figure was a ghost or monster, and he built elaborate houses out of blocks and magna tiles for all of them and I totally remember doing shit like this when I was younger.

same here, but involves lots of elaborate tying things together with string (his stuffed animals, to a Noah's ark, to a basket of fruit) to act out stories involving sea chases, rescuing from wells, etc.

I've tripped over so many trip wires...

he asks the most impressive questions too.

I have a 3 year age gap, so I rely on a bit of independent play to be able to go off and do endless baby stuff. I don't know how people with smaller age gaps cope.

that said he asks me/ his dad to 'play with meeee' like a million times a day. Just to make us feel guilty!

omg the string traps and the hundreds of “knots” my kid has made whenever string or a shoe string meets his hands! Lol.

He hasn’t watched any Ghostbusters but he’s watched the original movie theme song video and sings “Who are you going to call?? Ghost monsters!!”
(I’ve tried to get him to say “who you gonna call” but he won’t!)

Remembering how shy and isolated I was at 3-4 it's been crazy to see my son go into unfamiliar playgrounds, libraries, etc. and within minutes have nearly every kid, even the older ones, playing along with a scenario he's created.

when your kid wants something, and you say no, and they demand to know why, do you owe them an explanation or is it ok to just say no? when my 8yo daughter gets turned down for something she really wants, she refuses to take no for an answer and wants to debate/argue about it, which turns into her nitpicking every word we use to explain why she can't have it, even though the answer is still going to be no. so sometimes i just say "the answer is no, and that's not going to change, and i'm not interested in discussing it." this doesn't really work either in terms of shutting down the argument, though, and i wonder if it's unfair to give no reasoning. on the other hand, i feel like it's better to be clear and firm than to leave loopholes.

I find long-winded semi-nonsensical explanations to be the best option

I just wrapped up my first pass-the-parcel and I need a stiff drink.
Lessons have been learned.

when your kid wants something, and you say no, and they demand to know why, do you owe them an explanation or is it ok to just say no? when my 8yo daughter gets turned down for something she really wants, she refuses to take no for an answer and wants to debate/argue about it, which turns into her nitpicking every word we use to explain why she can't have it, even though the answer is still going to be no. so sometimes i just say "the answer is no, and that's not going to change, and i'm not interested in discussing it." this doesn't really work either in terms of shutting down the argument, though, and i wonder if it's unfair to give no reasoning.

it's not unfair to give no reason, and "I'm not going to discuss it further" is a fine answer. this is how some parents get to "because I said so," which I consider poor, but I bet I say it at some point soon to my four-year-old.

this is only with a nearly-4-year-old but we sometimes say 'ask the question you want to ask' to avoid loads of 'why' and might make them think about what they actually want to know (if anything)

We do the "asked, and answered" response if the kids try to start negotiating.

I just walked out of the kids room after once again arriving at the point where some sort of ambiguous request with myriad clarifications and qualifiers ends with me saying TELL ME YES, OR NO over and over in a monotone until he gives up and gives me a straight answer.

mine just ignores us when he feels like not answering which is infuriating

https://sickmouthy.wordpress.com/2018/11/29/a-pink-baby/

Scik, lovely photo and piece!

I hope this is a (gradual, to be sure) turn for the better.

<3

Question for parents of older kids: how (or do) you limit phone time? It's easy to knock them off wi-fi, but short of taking away the phone or other screen, how do you stop or slow them down when they're on the same unlimited data plan as you?

Should note this is not a terribly huge issue for us. But we have friends with boys that have had more trouble, particularly (sign of the times) when they just watch hours of Fortnite videos. Google I know offers a really good free family manager for Android phones, but my friends with iPhones are unclear where to turn. I guess most phone services have a sort of family manager service you can tack on for more $$?

The latest iOs has ScreenTime which let's you set all kinds of limits.

A parent at my school shared an app last year that you put on your phone and pair with your child's phone and you can control their access to everything: the internet, certain programs, and set specific times, ie that mom had set her children's phones not to access the internet at all during school hours (lol). Let me see if I can figure out what it was called.

Circle?

I'm late to the toothbrushing question, but there's a really cute audio show (podcast form, or if you have an Alexa you can ask it to play it for you) called Chompers. It's two minutes long, the narrator tells the kid when you switch quadrants, and then they share interesting facts or tell dumb jokes in between. It's good to keep Ivy focused while brushing, as she tends to get distracted pretty easily (or suddenly have something extremely important that she needs to tell me (spoiler alert: not important at all) that can't wait two minutes).

Also I think debating with an 8-year-old can lead only to madness, and actually it's pretty important for a kid that age to learn that no means no. Maybe think of it as setting boundaries.

ALSO I'm so happy and hopeful about Casper.

The Elmo brushing song has definitely helped...he holds the phone so it keeps his hands and face steady. Even better that the next one is Feist's "1, 2, 3, 4" which he absolutely loves. Crazy to think it wasn't originally written for Sesame Street

My very favorite of those real musicians doing songs on Sesame Street is Usher's ABC Song. I listen to that of my own free will when no children are in ear shot.

https://sickmouthy.wordpress.com/2019/01/05/christmas-with-childhood-cancer/

Here puberty is in full effect. Grades slipping. Compared to five yrs ago, I'm much much stricter. Turned into the bad cop. Heh.

my daughter (who is almost 2) had a seizure at day care and had to be given an ambulance ride to the hospital. getting a call in the middle of a workday from them saying "your daughter's not breathing, she's turning pale, we have an ambulance on the way" is not something I ever wanna live through again. thankfully it was just a reaction to a fever she had and apparently benign but holy hell is it scary - she had another one at home that night and it's freaky, they go stiff and pale and just sorta go unresponsive...it only lasts a minute but it feels so much longer. Mr Southall I can't even imagine what you're going through.

Yeah, those fever fits are horrible. My niece used to get them a lot when she was younger. Best wishes!

Bought my 4yo a helium balloon, he loved it
Was in the kitchen when I heard 'just going outside'
Approx 0.5 seconds later I heard this panicky shrieking 'It's gone up into the sky and it won't come back!!'

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

(His dad thought I'd OK'd him going outside with it and had tied the balloon to his wrist and talked about how he mustn't let it go)
Teachable moment I guess
The sight of it rapidly disappearing over the rooftops was actually quite distressing tbf