US Politics, November 2018: "There is no blame. There is no anything."

I'm reminded of the group project I had in college where this one dude did no work at all and never came to any of the group meetings but actually got up and stood with us on the day we presented. I was, in roughly equal measure, repelled by the audacity and in awe of the chutzpah.

I'm reminded of the time where someone paid me $2 to write a report for them about the Beatles so I fabricated a bio stating that Maximilien Robespierre was their bass player

that was a mix of barry zuckerhorn and the arrested development tubas

sorry, meant the curb your enthusiasm tuba song

Jacob's explanation for denying any knowledge of Surefire: "I preserved that level of pseudonymity."

Great twitter thread on the Wohl press conference

The hapless Jacob Wohl / Jack Burkman press conference on Robert Mueller is about to kick off!

— Will Sommer (@willsommer) November 1, 2018

Lmao Burkman’s fly was down the entire time.

at the end they were like "any more questions?" and someone yelled "are you prepared for federal prison?"

TRL but make it hateful pic.twitter.com/NpgTwsbIr4

— Olivia Nuzzi (@Olivianuzzi) October 31, 2018

that ted cruz / zodiac cryptogram tweet posted upthread is real lmao

ted cruz, go on chapo

Please tell me that this press conference is being archived somewhere so that I can watch it later, please. Oh please.

― a butt, at which the shaft of ridicule is daily glanced (Old Lunch)

whole thing is here, i think

Its on Periscope: https://t.co/Xf2oTyTVE9

— Barry Nelson (@realbarrynelson) November 1, 2018

This is like watching someone start a fistfight with a grizzly bear. You know how it's going to turn out but, hey, I'm sure my last minutes on earth won't be quite as thoroughly entertaining.

Wohl is fuming again that someone photoshopped him into a corncob: "One of them had a picture of corn!"

— Will Sommer (@willsommer) November 1, 2018

"im not owned! im not owned!!", i continue to insist as i slowly shrink and transform into a corn cob

— wint (@dril) November 11, 2011

v grateful that hellworld can still throw us the occasional treat #blessed

wint, a man for all seasons

i'm guessing the corncob photoshops are direct references to the dril tweet but i'm delighted at how wohl keeps reinforcing it xp

this was basically a real life Nathan For You episode

I'm just going to suggest real quick that we all start keeping a corncob on our person at all times just in case we ever run into Jacob Wohl so that we can slowly pull it out of our pocket or briefcase and present it to him, silent and smiling. We will continue to do this for the rest of his life.

I seriously cannot believe that A) Wohl referenced the dril tweet and B) Burkmans' fly was open the whole time

dril is shaping our reality daily

this was basically a real life Nathan For You episode

― frogbs, Thursday, November 1, 2018 12:07 PM (three minutes ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

haha totally

https://pbs.twimg.com/media/Dq7pa3vWkAAdtiH.jpg

Zoom 🤣 pic.twitter.com/9wnC6kGcGq

— scattered everywhere (@scattrd_evrywhr) November 1, 2018

lmao at that Ted Cruz tweet. imagine having to play along with a meme that you're a serial killer in order to appear human

Still not working, but points for trying, Ted-Thing.

hiding in plain sight

Wohl: "My default is to NOT believe women..."

TED CRUZ (trying to figure out something cool to say): uh I’m a serial killer

— KT NELSON (@KrangTNelson) November 1, 2018

god it sucks this thread was created before "There was a picture of me in a corn costume" could be used as a title

Maybe a middle school guidance counselor is giving him general "how to deal with bullies" advice

xp

lmao it gets better

From @willsommer's live thread: Jacob Wohl says he took this photo with his "client" at the DC airport, but she was too scared to come to the press conference.

But @AricToler pointed out the photo looks a lot like LAX...https://t.co/6zHZstbdC6

— Respectable Lawyer (@RespectableLaw) November 1, 2018

I don't know if I've ever seen a man own himself so thoroughly

before even reaching drinking age no less

it's definitely not DCA, there's not 71 gates there

the top half is LAX, showing the ceiling for reference

he looks cute in that one

From Axios, this morning:

What’s next: Watch for the caravan warnings to fade the day after the election — and the attacks on the GOP establishment, the media and Robert Mueller to escalate big time, sources close to Trump tell us.

i like how the jacob wohl thing has developed into forensics 101 for internet gumshoes. real life is kind of complicated, but jacob wohl provides an accessible case study that everyone can join in on

CNN's lead story: "Trump campaign releases racist ad" https://t.co/OsdxlMMBjV pic.twitter.com/SvRSJxD2qz

— Brian Stelter (@brianstelter) November 1, 2018

of course

our client is named carolyne crass, yeah that’s just her name not like a thing we made up or forgot to google to make sure we weren’t remembering some public person pic.twitter.com/0KKgiyqhva

— warrior cop (@wyatt_privilege) November 1, 2018

Watch for the caravan warnings to fade the day after the election — and the attacks on the GOP establishment, the media and Robert Mueller to escalate big time, sources close to Trump tell us.

Allen, Swan, and the rest of the Axios crew are masturbatory garbage.

they're licking their chops thinking of more chaos fun

otm

Shit man you can't blame them for trying such an obvious, clumsy, stupid conjob. A lifelong obvious, clumsy, stupid conman is President.

Allen, Swan, and the rest of the Axios crew are masturbatory garbage.

No argument here, but they speak the language of the masturbating garbage pile in the Oval Office.

i’ll not have masturbation traduced by association with yr president pls

trump is #nofap

Look, don't shame a man just because he can't wrap his Vienna sausages around his toadstool.

dude

https://media1.tenor.com/images/783096c09f34233b515f1de7589e6907/tenor.gif

Breaking: A federal judge has DENIED a lawsuit filed by Native Americans disenfranchised by North Dakota's voter ID law.

This decision ensures that hundreds, perhaps thousands of Native Americans will not be able to vote in the upcoming election. https://t.co/GFkawn9f3S

— Mark Joseph Stern (@mjs_DC) November 1, 2018

If I'm able reduce y'all's pre-election jitters even a fraction of a percentage by chasing everyone out of this thread with my shitposting, I'm willing to take that bullet.