Kids say the darndest things

(Reading slowly:) “Man... Can... Van...”

Me: Do you know what a van is?

“Yeah — it’s one of those little cars you can live in! When I grow up, I’m gonna buy a van, so I can live in it, and drive it to the store to buy groceries.”

I asked my friend's 3 year old what he was doing, he says

"Trying to hold the poopoos back"

Tonight I was asked why they didn’t change the logo when they made the “lady Ghostbusters” movie, so that the ghost in the logo “has boobs.” SMDH

Me, to 5yo daughter: You're so cute!
Her: That's a common opinion.

3 year old: '[baby brother] snatched my toy ON PURPOSE. He needs to go to prison!'

me: 'we don't put babies in prison.'

3yo: 'they do in AMERICA'


(me in very Alan Partridge voice: 'er, I was probably making a point about something else there')

lol

whoa!

My 4 year old is fast becoming an expert with the ol’ f-bomb (obv because he’s learning from the experts). Leaving a store yesterday evening:
"Fuckin Christ it's a 'lectric door!"

:)

hahaha it would make my day to hear that out at the supermarket

HEY WHATS FOR DINNER COW

POO SIR IT IS THE FRENCH WAY

— Kids Write Jokes (@KidsWriteJokes) October 28, 2018

ok thats p great

Best punchline ever, I will be stealing that

it's like the ending to a Samuel Johnson anecdote

5yo daughter has been treating me with her toy doctor's kit: so far I have been treated for "goose bladder", "savage earlobe" and the dreaded "cushion problem".

three great band names right there imo

just remembered the toast my london-bred niece (11) invented last night -- four of us (her, her parents, me) sitting eating thai and overlooking the hastings sea-front as a police car went back and forth below us

"to the FILTH! we ain't done nuffink"

yessss t1lst3r :D

just remembered the toast my london-bred niece (11) invented last night -- four of us (her, her parents, me) sitting eating thai and overlooking the hastings sea-front as a police car went back and forth below us

"to the FILTH! we ain't done nuffink"

Magical.

Also, just saw this one:

I told my daughter showing her chewed up food to her brother in public is gross and she goes 'well I'm not here for the people'

— Saladin Ahmed (@saladinahmed) November 19, 2018

had a very confusing discussion about smoking and death with the 4-year-old yesterday in which she told me that when you die your body turns hard and then people give your bones to dogs

son's 4th birthday. the day before, he was being a huge brat so we were talking about what happens if birthdays are cancelled: presents go back to the shop, no cake and you stay 3 forever.

him: so... that means I won't ever die.

Somehow he always manages to win the argument!

lol that is outstanding

flawless victory

overplayed your hand, tbh

yeah I know!
He's frighteningly good at assimilating new information with stuff he learned ages ago and drawing logical conclusions. Then asking relevant questions.

We're reading the Hobbit. We're a bit more than halfway through, at the spiders in Mirkwood.

My 7 year old daughter asks "Why are there no girls in this book?"

damn

also otm

he always manages to win the argument!

You could have come back with: "No. Even three-year olds can die!" (accompanied by a meaningful look). To which he might retort, you said "you stay 3 forever. Those who live forever do not die. QED, my dear parent." Your rejoinder: "Those who die do not age, my dear child. Once having attained age three, a dead child cannot be remain two, nor yet become four. Hence they remain three forever. Case closed."

After which your child grows up to be a celebrated lawyer.

frighteningly good at assimilating new information with stuff he learned ages ago and drawing logical conclusions

this is so fun to see, like he's spent time a learning system and now understands it enough to test or exploit it. Last night he was hyper and didn't want to take of his clothes to get his pajamas on; usually we do this by commanding a super hero named 'naked boy' to appear. He wouldn't so I made some dumb joke about transforming into a nakedasaurus and he looked at me deadpan and said "those have been extinct for a really long time".

haha.

"How much is that doggy in the window?
You've got your own sense of right and wrong!"

"what are you thinking about?"

"nothing"

"oh come on"

"fortnite"

"okay"

"and before that, football"

"okay"

"and before that, spiderman"

what a unique flower

lol

Ben gave us a permission slip for a field trip to see a play entitled “Nightmare on Puberty Street.” Which we signed. Cut to twenty minutes later and

Owen: What is this on my face? Is it acne?

Ben: Nightmare on puberty street!

Author, author!

omg that sounds like it should be a Legz Akimbo production

4yo, out of nowhere: there are dimensions we don't know about

us, open-mouthed at our genius/otherwise gifted child: um... What dimensions do you mean?

4yo: no, there are some engines* we don't know about. What are dimensions? Are they fun?

*new characters from Thomas the Tank Engine that he'd just watched on tv

massive lols at that!

haha that’s great

lol

https://i.imgflip.com/2r6v55.jpg

:D

https://i.imgflip.com/2r8j6j.jpg

That is my favorite thing in ever

so great

my latest favorite grand-daughter thing is when she asks for "a glass of water, filled TO THE BRIM"

“Do ghosts have wallets?”

🧐

my son just called me a "scallywag"