your terrible ideas

I'd watch both of the above.

a line of artificial fruit drinks called After You Brush that taste good even right after you've brushed your teeth

a line of natural fruit drinks called 3 Hours Later... which you can enjoy after the effect of the toothpaste has worn off (a 2-pack of After You Brush and 3 Hours Later... could easily get you through the day)

an After You Brush test kit that uses a saliva sample to determine whether it's ok to drink fruit juice

an After You Brush phone app that texts you 3 hours after you've brushed your teeth to let you know that it's ok to drink fruit juice (but it isn't as accurate as the After You Brush test kit)

― i ain't marchant anymore (unregistered), Wednesday, February 4, 2015 11:30 AM (three years ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

a line of toothpaste (secretly manufactured by a competitor of After You Brush) that doesn't affect the taste of fruit juice

― i ain't marchant anymore (unregistered), Wednesday, February 4, 2015 11:31 AM (three years ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

you've really covered all the bases

― Ratt in Mi Kitchen (Neil S), Wednesday, February 4, 2015 11:36 AM (three years ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

^the toothpaste would be called Even After You Brush (xpost)

― i ain't marchant anymore (unregistered), Wednesday, February 4, 2015 11:42 AM (three years ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

a chewing gum (secretly manufactured by After You Brush) called Fresh Breath that secretly contains sodium lauryl sulfate, the same chemical that makes fruit juice taste bitter after you've brushed your teeth. the popularity of Fresh Breath causes Even After You Brush's sales to plummet as consumers of both products are convinced that the toothpaste is useless

a breath spray called Fresher Breath (secretly manufactured by Even After You Brush slogan: "spray after you chew for even fresher breath!") that counteracts the effect of sodium lauryl sulfate, whether the source is toothpaste or gum

― i ain't marchant anymore (unregistered), Wednesday, February 4, 2015 11:45 AM (three years ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

a scathing Michael Moore documentary called Truthpaste that exposes the sodium laurel sulfate racket

― i ain't marchant anymore (unregistered), Wednesday, February 4, 2015 11:47 AM (three years ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

(ok, now I think I've covered all the bases)

― i ain't marchant anymore (unregistered), Wednesday, February 4, 2015 11:48 AM (three years ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

i think about this series of posts quite often

marx and spencer, an odd-couple sitcom in which singer/songwriter Richard Marx shares an apartment with actress Octavia Spencer.

Marks and Spencer, a discussion program wherein Mark Harmon and Mark Knopfler offer extensive commentary re: episodes of the television program Spencer for Hire.

And that really is a terrible idea inasmuch as it clearly should've been Marks On Spencer.

Crosby, Stills, Nash, and Jung, in which the popular folk-rock trio is joined by the prominent 20th-century Swiss psychologist and theorist of psychoanalysis (who surprisingly plays cello and can also sing close harmony).

And just look at us, Lunch, completely oblivious to the fact that this is a thing:

https://i.imgur.com/SJsK4oD.jpg

you poor m&s-deprived souls have my deepest sympathy

I mean, we do have Spencer's, but apparently without Marks, the bar drops pretty far.

https://i.imgur.com/hyzezg8.jpg

spencer's seems pretty uh heavy on the dick-and-balls-related items

xpost Oh, I don't know, something tells me bizarro might be secretly delighted by a retail chain largely dedicated to transgressive merchandise which exists mostly to make twelve-year-olds titter.

Basically yes.

(consults transatlantic translator) It's basically Viz: The Store.

It makes Hard Topic look like Marks & Spencer.

Oh, I don't know, something tells me bizarro might be secretly delighted by a retail chain largely dedicated to transgressive merchandise which exists mostly to make twelve-year-olds titter.

there's nothing secret about it buddy, i love spencer's now

usa! usa! usa!

I regret to inform you it's 20% Family Guy merchandise

death to america

Yes, I should clarify that I have fond memories of visiting Spencer's as a lad but, as with most of the things we enjoy after the onset of puberty but before our critical faculties have begun to solidify, revisiting it as an adult is basically the most depressing thing ever.

'Marx and Censors' would be a great name for a book about Marx's commitment to free speech. But yeah, only in the UK...

or a great book about the marx brothers and what they couldn't get away with in their film career

Or the heavily GG Allin-influenced era of Richard Marx's nascent recording career.

speaking of shitting in front of someone. the Buttler. there's basically a small photocopier next to the toilet at armrest height. you put your used paper on it, soiled side down, to be scanned and analyzed. your phone vibrates when you are done (an adjustable threshold lets you tune the meaning of "done" and optimize that so important and personal time/cleanliness trade-off). The "Buttler" is actually the person who must squeegee the analyzer after every use - a new job created for every bathroom stall. you'd sell accessories like color-coded analyzer toilet paper that indicates if you have enough fiber in your diet. there's Buttler mobile. of course, the real opportunity for growth lies in monetizing all that data.

P much any untapped niche market which involves coming into contact with human waste is there for the taking afaict, go for it bro.

the staircase in my house is nice, hundred year old wood and I just saw a staircase in a movie and thought "hey, I should carpet my stairs"

Try linoleum. Second-hand, if you can get your hands on some.

Do not carpet your stairs.

I mean, you can if you want, obv. But speaking as a guy who has carpeted stairs...

love to vacuum the stairs

Maybe some nice astroturf. I think you can just hose that shit off. I assume you have a drainage grate at the foot of your stairs.

Oh yeah. I mean, why have just one big floor to vacuum when you can also have sixteen little ones?

oh I'd never carpet my stairs

Sounds like a double entendre but in reference to what precise filth act I couldn't say.

cool that we're shaming people that shave their partner's pubes and rubber cement them to their shaved legs itt now

the staircase in my house is nice, hundred year old wood and I just saw a staircase in a movie and thought "hey, I should carpet my stairs"

― mh, Thursday, August 9, 2018 10:08 PM (yesterday) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

please don't!

oh I'd never carpet my stairs

― mh, Friday, August 10, 2018 12:09 PM (sixteen minutes ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

ok nevermind

TV version of Dostoevsky's Demons set in the present day and the characters are all podcasters

A parenting book aimed at women where the philosophy is liberate yourself by being more like a dad who doesn't give as much of a shit.

Running a day to day Insta kinda like how highsnobriety or whoever follow around Kanye and asap and Beyonce and gossip and show off crazy outfits and what's happening on the current scene... but starting in about 1968 and following soul/funk/jazz stars and what crazy shit they wore and gossipy stories they went through and then how it turned into disco and hip-hop and lol who even are these wacky kids wtf is an afrika bambaataa Idk but it's the future and it's great

Also word salad apologies

"the ethical PUA"

Humans Who Might Unite Tonite

don’t know, but woke up with these words on the brain, running on a cycle

A winebar called Wine Eleven

In partnership with Oscar Mayer, La Croix is proud to introduce Deli Water, a new line of lunchmeat-flavored sparkling beverages.

(NB, this may entail nothing more than dropping, say, a slice of olive loaf in a can of otherwise-unflavored carbonated water.)

flavored? surely you mean lunchmeat-essenced

I deeply apologize to the good people at La Croix for mischaracterizing their patented method of merely hinting at the possible existence of flavor without ever quite crossing so crude and unseemly a line.

http://dailyhive.com/vancouver/vancouver-hot-dog-water-june-2018

I somehow knew it was just terrible enough to have already been done irl.

just saw a Chopped where they had to use jerky soda

I'd be headed for that ice cream machine

a lighthearted, Ocean's Eleven-esque heist movie about the 9/11 conspirators

― .oO (silby), Thursday, December 28, 2017 11:15 PM Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

don't do that to me right before bed. I can already see the split screen star wipes on the security videos, a box cutter wobbling down a walmart conveyor belt...

― pplains, Thursday, December 28, 2017 11:32 PM

The meta-terrible idea is this is the designated bomb in an updated version of The Producers

― .oO (silby), Friday, December 29, 2017 12:13 AM

pilot lesson montage to that music, too

― mh, Friday, December 29, 2017 10:07 AM

I am a horrible human being. Just warning you all.