This is the post where we share terrible user reviews of albums from across the internet.

Excellent.

One time while working at a record store, we were playing John Coltrane's Crescent and this stupid white trash woman lets out this huge groan and says to her male counterpart, "I gotta get outta here, I can't stand this music!"

So, I guess when it comes to jazz, some people just really don't get it.

Worst is when someone comes in and goes “what the hell is this your playing” then asks for Diana krall

lol, I used to be that way to an extent (xpost). I made the leap from "I don't like long, self-indulgent classic rock guitar solos" to "isn't jazz mostly long, self-indulgent solos?" to "welp, I guess jazz isn't for me", encouraged in part by Mark Prindle's scathing Miles Davis reviews. but I got over it once I actually started listening to jazz, and I was never the type to complain about Coltrane in public places or register my disgust when a jazz collection on a jazz label featuring jazz artists turned out to be tOo JaZzY

not in the same league as the above but i was just reading an review of "the great concert of charles mingus" which lauds the pianist as "surprisingly good". i know not everybody can be expected to know everything but i still find that to be a pretty lol-worthy appraisal of jaki byard.

Some dummy to me on reddit in regards to Slint:

"They were also math rock, not slowcore, though they have songs that seem to split the difference."

Do you even know what you're saying? Because it sounds like you don't.

And, on today's episode of, "People who completely and wholly don't understand jazz, nor do they have any inclination of caring", this guy:

"Substandard. If the track selection could have been less predictable, the arrangements sound quite vulgar (and poor) and the inclusion of jazz legends such as Eddie Gomez and Jim Hall (who played a big role in the music development of Mr Evans) doesn't add anything to the whole thing. Unfortunately.
Notice how the mixing (with the bass player in front of the string quartet on tunes #1-3) doesn't really blend. Did they really want to emphasize the player's importance? Why like that?
Midway between a classic Stéphane Grapelli (but far behind his mastery) and the music of Jacques Loussier's Trio, with these great players much more should be expected. Very disappointing. (one star)"

https://www.discogs.com/Kronos-Quartet-Music-Of-Bill-Evans/master/268387

Vast majority of this collection is NOT throwaway - let me repeat: NOT throwaway. He clearly put some serious thought into the songwriting process (apart from listening to him poop on "The Shit").

(apart from listening to him poop on "The Shit").
(apart from listening to him poop on "The Shit").
(apart from listening to him poop on "The Shit").
(apart from listening to him poop on "The Shit").
(apart from listening to him poop on "The Shit").
(apart from listening to him poop on "The Shit").
(apart from listening to him poop on "The Shit").
(apart from listening to him poop on "The Shit").
(apart from listening to him poop on "The Shit").
(apart from listening to him poop on "The Shit").
(apart from listening to him poop on "The Shit").
(apart from listening to him poop on "The Shit").

do rym comments count as "user reviews"? cuz

The reaction is similar to other experimental pop stuff like Selena Gomez's "Bad Liar", which RYM/music nerds liked and hailed as her best song but the pop sphere and Selena fans hated and it flopped and was on a lot of "worst hits of 2017" lists. Justin Timberlake's "SexyBack" is simlar; even though the RYM rating is low, the comment box is very positive but most pop reviewers on youtube hate it, similarly i've seen a lot of them hating on Britney Spears' Blackout singles but RYM likes that album. So this falls under the experimental/off-kilter pop category where pleb muggles don't understand it but a lot of more experienced and music nerds like it. Personally i wasn't into this album but a lot of that came from the non-Pharrell songs.

I thought "Bad Liar" was great, but then I'm a super-advanced redpilled visionary listener of pop music

(what's being discussed there, btw? seems too fresh for Google to have indexed)

a handful of rymers seem to think you need a PhD in musicology to appreciate the Pharrell tracks on Sweetener

it's from the comment box in the sidebar, where they're also earnestly anticipating Fantano's take on the album

I've never actually looked at RYM before... so average joes and janes write "professional style" reviews of albums? lol

"For some bizzare reason music nonces on here seem to think it's good, probably because they like being contrarian. Anyways, it's bad."

"Grande's fanbase of primarily 12-18 year old females can not relate to the lavish lifestyle displayed in this track. It's really hard for any middle class citizens to understand what she's going through here"

The review by "Volgan" (bottom of pg. 1) is well done (and this is true -> "This record is easily the most Ari has spent in the lower registry of her voice""

"Grande's fanbase of primarily 12-18 year old females can not relate to the lavish lifestyle displayed in this track. It's really hard for any middle class citizens to understand what she's going through here"

lol, for the sake of my sanity I'm just going to assume this is satire

ah, come on, how far are we away from making fun of kids for being kids?

These are kids writing?

(V) (°,,,,°) (V) (Austin)
Posted: June 23, 2018 at 1:05:31 PM
Title says it all. No "professional" reviews here. This is strictly for pointing out and making fun of idiots who think access to air their opinions out online makes them superior to the musicians they're talking about.

https://www.ilxor.com/ILX/NewAnswersControllerServlet?boardid=41

^well now you're just making fun of old people for being old

These are kids writing?

― stan in the place where you work (morrisp)

i don't mean like eight year olds. i mean callow youth. average age over there is way lower than average age here.

I reserve the right to make fun of anyone of legal drinking age.

There's some very decent reviews on RYM, but the site is not particularly good at featuring them. Not saying that it's not easy to find stupid opinions, for that you just need to go to popular albums.
The writing and structure may be better in a publication, but for me a music critic is also an opinionated / dedicated amateur. In the end, they're more similar than dissimilar (and not isolated from each other obviously), and both share the problem of tropes, of talking too much about oneself, etc.

It's not what I use RYM for in the slightest, but I do find it kind of sweet that it hosts 1,500 personal essays on What OK Computer Means To Me. If this tends to obscure its utility as a resource for lesser-known records, well, I'm not sure that's what most people are interested in. (Hell, I don't even rate records there anymore, so clearly I'm Doing It Wrong.)

I like finding RYM users who are on some quest to review every hip hop album ever or some other insane task

I like finding RYM users who are on some quest to review every hip hop album ever or some other insane task

― President Keyes

yeah! there's this one user who's trying to review the top rated album of every single genre indexed on rym. man, so much good stuff in there. last weekend i got on a big southern soul kick and started reading all the reviews of a guy who's utterly obsessed with southern soul. i'm not as batty over annette snell as he is, but enthusiasm is still infectious!

The rain, the park and other things is one of the best singles ever recorded and released. that recording is not on this album

Since I just saw this
"It's good but theres not much variation between the songs much of the sound is pretty much the same, however i think that if you live in Mali and understand the lyrics you may have something to go by."
Or any variation of this "language barrier" prejudice lazily given by a random stupid monolingual american who still wanted to hear stuff from the "foreign" category (also see: "foreign cinema"). You see variations of this for every Brazilian album ever (especially).

is there really something wrong with a person (a) taking a stab at appreciating music from another culture, and/or (b) concluding that not being able to understand the lyrics may be an impediment to their enjoyment?

lazy, stupid Americans, buying music in languages they don’t speak; why aren’t they more provincial?

not really but writing a whole review to do nothing more than proclaim one's ignorance is perhaps not necessary?

I haven’t read the whole review, but I see nothing wrong with that fragment above.

that is the whole review

LOL

If the new standard of a “terrible user review” is a person venturing an opinion on something they may not be the most super qualified to review, then we should lock this thread (or link to the entire Internet)

can we split the difference and lock the internet? :)

i'm not sure if "terrible" is the word for this but this gentleman has a distinctive voice and strong opinions.

https://rateyourmusic.com/collection/STEPHANSONGWRITERPRO/reviews

an example:

"A PERFECT 5

TRAVELLING BOY OF WILLIAMS AND NICHOLS IS A GREAT SURPRISE AND THE JIMMY WEBB OFFERINGS ARENT BAD EITHER SAD GARFUNKEL NVER WAS ABLE TO MAKE ANOTHER CRYSTAL CLEAR ALBUM WITH PEERLESS ORCHESTRATIONS"

(note: user rated this album four stars)

I had to screencap this one, out of sheer confusion:
https://i.imgur.com/KWS2RaY.png

From the Discogs page for Miles Davis' The Man With the Horn.

?
Just a quote from the AMG review i think

Right, but why is some random user copying and pasting this to Discogs?

I'm so confused.

Also, I hate Scott Yanow.

Because they're selling it? Sellers do the same thing on eBay...

But he posted it under the reviews portion?

Ah. I dunno then

It kinda saddens me that, at the time of the writing of this review, the average rating for this RYM-wide is over 3.5 stars.

It's not that it's musically bad. The backing tracks (which I doubt the younger Miss Knowles had any involvement in writing, but that's neither here nor there) are actually rather enjoyable, groovy neo-soul-pop kinda things which are a nice fit for Solange's mostly competent voice (and yes, she does sound similiar to her better known sister, from what I recall of the latter).

So, oddly enough, there was an off chance that I could have ended up enjoying a mainstream pop album, which is a pretty rare occurrence. Unfortunately, I find myself of insufficient fortitude to stomach Solange's bland, recycled, stereotypical vocal lines, and her fucking atrociously imbecilic excuse for lyrics. So it saddens me, in all honesty, that the listening public at large is low enough in either their standards or their intelligence quotient (or a combination) to swallow this drivel and say, "Mm! What a good cook!"

I know that was written by a white man.

Don't know ask me how. I just know.

Makes me wish I could smack a dude through the Internet.

He's already sad

I thought that said, "He's already dead" which, admittedly, made me chuckle.

I am horrible.

reading Solange reviews on RYM now, please stop me someone

Much like Kendrick Lamar's To Pimp a Butterfly, it's clear that Solange is first and foremost concerned with reaching a black audience in order to celebrate, commiserate about, and give voice to a shared experience. However, Solange is less successful than Kendrick in effectively communicating these feelings to non-black listeners (for better or for worse, her primary market) due to a combination of an "It's not my job to educate you" attitude and a failure to master the timeless principle of "show, don't tell".

The soft-spoken and tender Neo-Soul of A Seat at the Table is a cringeworthy tribute to the safest aspects of black music. The soft-spoken and tender Neo-Soul of A Seat at the Table is a cringeworthy tribute to the safest aspects of black music. The soft-spoken and tender Neo-Soul of A Seat at the Table is a cringeworthy tribute to the safest aspects of black music. The soft-spoken and tender Neo-Soul of A Seat at the Table is a cringeworthy tribute to the safest aspects of black music. The soft-spoken and tender Neo-Soul of A Seat at the Table is a cringeworthy tribute to the safest aspects of black music. The soft-spoken and tender Neo-Soul of A Seat at the Table is a cringeworthy tribute to the safest aspects of black music. The soft-spoken and tender Neo-Soul of A Seat at the Table is a cringeworthy tribute to the safest aspects of black music. The soft-spoken and tender Neo-Soul of A Seat at the Table is a cringeworthy tribute to the safest aspects of black music.

I considered digging into some Lemonade reviews, but my masochism can only take me so far

this one is so 2004 rym it hurts:

"mozartbites Aug 09 2004 2.50 stars
Pure disco from one of my favorite artists of the era. "You make me feel" is just great. If you feel like bustin' a groove go out and pick up Step II. It's just fun to listen to.

It's too bad he got AIDS and died :("

When his wife died last year i thought Blaze was going to start drinking again and thats why i was so surprised when this live album came out (now in 2009. His wife DEBBIE died in september, just two months after BLAZE released his last studio album THE MAN WHO WOULD NOT DIE (2008) and he was strong enough to play live in december 2008 in switzerland, were they recorded this great double live album (also released on dvd) in front of some BLAZE maniacs from all over europe. He doesnt forget his wife during the concert and he have some words for her. That was a very emotional moment, with all the audience shouting Debbie´s name.
Okay, lets talk about the music. BLAZE doesnt sound sad on this live recording. He is a profesional and leaves the problems home. Thats why the songs are played the way they were made to be played. Tracks like THE MAN WHO WOULD NOT DIE, BLACKMAILER, ROBOT, SAMURAI or VOICES FROM THE PAST are from his last studio album that i named before and then you got some other BLAZE songs like GHOST IN THE MACHINE and THE LAUNCH from SILICON MESSIAH(2000). KILL AND DESTROY and LEAP OF FAITH from TENTH DIMENSION(2002). ALIVE and TEN SECONDS from BLOOD AND BELIEF(2004) and a couple of IRON MAIDEN songs like FUTUREAL, LORD OF THE FLIES, or MAN ON THE EDGE. The MAIDEN songs sound much better now live in 2008 then before in the mid 90s in my opinion.
I love the sound very much of this live recording. Very clear with the fans shouting, not to loud but just cool to feel a real live feeling when you play this cd.
If you like IRON MAIDEN, BLAZE/BLAZE BAYLEY, or just HEAVY METAL, but this album. B.Bayley is a great guy and deserve to sell a lot of records.

Killer opener. A real knock you off your feet driving 20 minute jam that just never lets up. Apart from a nice more electric take on "Alfie", the other two tracks consist of a mega bland take on Mack the Knife, and "St. Thomas" a tune so shockingly bad that it just stays in your head for hours, like those annoying advert jingles you hear in a shop and they're in your head all day. Def only an album for the Rollins completist.

Frank Zappa(who discovered the awful truth on Dec 4,1993 the minute after he died) was a God hating man,who spent his entire career mocking and ridiculing Christians,The Bible and The Lord Jesus Christ.His excuse for rejecting God was just that...an excuse.He blamed "religious" people,when infact he is the one to blame for rejecting God's truth.We all have free will.Zappa's choice of mocking The Lord was of his own.Nobody else's.I just hope and pray that Mr.Zappa asked Jesus' forgiveness and turned to him before his death.

based on that review, i guess it's comforting to know that your consciousness lasts beyond your final breath.

Some people believe that music isn't an art-form. It's worth noting that some people think astrology is a genuine way to judge someone, cancer can be cured by medium of Facebook likes and the phrase "It is what it is" is ever worth saying. People also say "there's no such word as can't" even though if you write 'can't' with the spell check on it will NOT be underlined in red. Basically people are fucking idiots. "Corps Exquis" is proof of this. This is art. Just read the promotional release for it. It states that it's a "multimedia chamber opera in nine consecutive parts" and that it is "Based on a surrealist parlor game from the 1920's". Even if it was just 45 minutes of a man saying "Where is the cheese, Father?" in a monotone voice it would still be art. The fact it often achieves the same sort of beauty and emotional connection that the best work of Steve Reich and Phillip Glass does makes it even more arty. You fucking DICKS.

Imagine recording a song denigrating no wave and new wave in New York and hair metal in Los Angeles (not that I care about the latter) and who knows what else, and celebrating the music of your youth instead - kids today! - but recording that song with terrible '80s keyboards and a shitty heartbeat sound effect. (Adding to it the implicit "working class city" bias of celebrating the music of Detroit and Cleveland in the early 1980s over the music being made in NYC or LA.) This is your lead-track, a shot across the bow to all these new styles of music that just aren't as good as the styles of music made when the guys in this band were young.
Go fuck yourselves.

what a bizarrely uncharitable misreading of 'The Heart of Rock and Roll'. I guess it's possible to interpret "they like it with a lot of style" as withering sarcasm, but I really don't think that was Huey's intent here. I do like the image of Huey's LA and NYC audiences booing and bumrushing the stage whenever he tried to play the song in their cities

THE GREATEST ALBUM OF ALL TIME IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD!!! I'M NOT SELLING IT (NOT BIASED). HAUNTINGLY MELODIC. WEBER'S RUBBERY BASS IMPREGNATES NORMA WINSTONES SUPERFLOUS VOICE. BILL FRISELL NOODLES IN THE BACKGROUND (JUST THE RIGHT TOUCH). AN ALBUM TO MELT OVER. REMINDS ME OF THE GREAT GREAT GARY BURTON LP "RING" DON'T CRITICIZE MY REVIEW IT'S MY OPINION ONLY (I'M NOT SAYING I'M CORRECT). I HAVE PLAYED IT APPROXIMATELY 275 TIMES !!! (five stars)

you know it's good when they start making up their own words.

nvm, that one clearly belongs in the greatest user reviews.

WEBER'S RUBBERY BASS IMPREGNATES NORMA WINSTONES SUPERFLOUS VOICE

I did not want to read this today.

hey if i read it, you have to as well.

that begs a question though: when is a good day to read that sentence?

_WEBER'S RUBBERY BASS IMPREGNATES NORMA WINSTONES SUPERFLOUS VOICE_


I did not want to read this today.

"random old rap you are loving"

https://rateyourmusic.com/collection/Mr_Veteran16/rating77735194

^some rymer dude wrote a 2,560-word review about how Mike Posner's 'I Took a Pill in Ibiza' falls short of its ambition because it lacks the pathos of Bowie and Queen and Joy Division (or something like that — nfw am I reading the entire thing)

If only someone could tell Mike Posner about this that he may see the error of his ways.

done

the underlying problem with Posner is still there: he has no star power whatsoever. He had none on Cooler On Me, and on here he has even less.

rymbro is actually arguing that 0 is less than 0

He forgot to mention that 'I Took a Pill in Ibiza' also falls short of Beethoven's Große Fuge as performed by the Arditti String Quartet.

🖼

Very ... bemused Satan?

He forgot to mention that 'I Took a Pill in Ibiza' also falls short of Beethoven's _Große Fuge_ as performed by the Arditti String Quartet.

some great rare music,but their vinyl comps are so badly remastered,1st point criminal multiple overdubs on every track,second point its pointlessly a carbon copy of the sonically inferior cd on vinyl,3rd point this is not how the musicians intended their music to be heard on vinyl,4th point digital compression robs us of a full sound spectrum so all original releases are sonically superior fact.5th point only analogue lps & 45s can tell musical history as it really was thats the reason why people choose vinyl.

(2 people found this helpful)

https://i.imgur.io/KyhcAnZ_d.webp?maxwidth=640&shape=thumb&fidelity=medium

wow ilx poster rob has some explaining to do

I’d think someone named “Rob” would understand Big Thief