Kids say the darndest things

i thought that was implied

"Hey, who pooped in these?!"

hey who knows where that poop came from, you know? I mean that could be anybody's poop, it could be his, it could be yours, it could be someone else's, a lot of people have been saying - I would never say this - but a lot of people, very very smart people, by the way, have been saying it could have been you.

Great. Now I’m thinking about tangerine poop.

Last night I was commenting out loud about having to pay the water bill and how it was double the same time last year and maybe we have a leak. Dex looks alarmed "wait, we PAY for WATER?!" Yep buddy, we do.

He immediately went and did an inspection of the whole house to make sure all taps were off tightly, bless him.

<3

Awww!!!

I should add, that rotter is often responsible for leaving the taps half-on in the first place haha. But maybe now he'll know better :)

We're in Europe on vacation.

Ben: in Europe, you can say anything, like (whispers) boobs are super squishy.

otm

Driving across town with Nora. “It’s warm. I might fall asleep. Or I might not. It’s hard to tell when you’re 3.”

My daughter is a Safety Patrol and takes it uberseriously. One time we were walking home from school and I said she could take off her patrol belt if she wanted. She voted to leave it on.

"But Dad, what if something really bad happened, and they needed everyone they could get?"

I found that both heartwarming and (given current events) very sad.

Last night, my daughter wrote a spontaneous a parody of the Parry Gripp song Raining Tacos titled Raining Lava. She's been on a bit of a volcano kick lately. Sample lyric: instead of the "It's raining lava/From out of the sky/Lava/No need to ask why/Just open your mouth and prepare to die/It's raining lava". She didn't just stick to a line or two - she worked her way though the whole thing substituting volcano words for the taco stuff.

When she was done I laughed and told her she had a good sense of humor, and she says...

"...and a sense of death. Death! Death! Death! Death! Death! A sense of dooooooooooooooom."

80s: Pawing through stepdad's record collection

90s: Digging deeper into shelves at KCOU

00s: Clicking on every damn thing on Napster

10s: Hearing snippets of songs like "Raining Tacos" while my son plays Roblox.

Same.

My wife and the boys played the game of Life last night. The names the boys’ gave their kids were epic. But her favorite exchange was over the name your superpower card.

K: My superpower is... sarcasm! What’s yours, Owen?

Owen: Surviving K’s sarcasm.

K: Don’t spin, just take the money.

Owen's names:
Pellegrino
Whiskey
Calypso
Cracker
Annoying

Ben's:
Lumpus
Wixers
Click

lol. I love that my daughter has a good capacity for naming her characters, stuffed animals, etc. I was no good at that when I was a kid.

"I'm gonna get a big hammer and ham the garden"

go ham

Nora named a crochet ballerina doll 'Elephant Sauce' the other day. wtf.

At Costco there's a spooky robotic butler that comes to life whenever someone comes near it. Of course it's scary as hell for my 3 year old. After he saw it he kept talking about it, and then came up with this Poe-like story to cope:
"I went to the store and I saw the creepy crawly butler and he turned on and he said my name. I bought him and brought him home but he stopped talking. He was broken. I dug a hole under my house and I buried him in the hole. But then he came back to life and started talking. When I go to sleep in my house I can hear him talking under the ground in the dirt and the worms."

J.F.C.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GD55Rtphjow

So glad now that I live in like one of the four states where you can't find a Costco.

IT'S AUGUST. KIDS ARE JUST NOW GOING BACK TO SCHOOL. WHAT THE FUCK IS HE DOING THERE?

Tell your kid, Keyes, that I'm going to steal his story for my own coping device.

There was a bunch of those things at Menards yesterday and the 3.75 was totally fascinated by them. Wanted to see them all work, needed to touch them after I told him they weren't real, etc.

As we walked away to find my wife, in about 60 seconds he went from talking about how he didn't like them at all and they were too scary to pointing out how they weren't really and that they were good scary and hilarious and he loved them because they were his favorite thing ever. He had so show them all to my wife on the way out, telling her about how funny they are, and how they were scary but in a way that made him feel good inside, a feeling he called "perfectly scary".

My 3.5 is also fascinated by scary things

5yo daughter last night built herself a voting booth, ballot box and made some ballot papers. (When we vote, she likes to number the boxes (under my direction) on my ballot.)

When I go to sleep in my house I can hear him talking under the ground in the dirt and the worms.

D:

H: Have you seen that video of the boy yodeling in Walmart?
ME: Yeah. He was pretty good at it, right?
H: what do you think he was being punished for?

(I can't hold it in. He's laughing now because I'm laughing.)

ME: I dont think he was being punished. He was into it. Did you see what he was wearing?
H: Boots and a bow tie? He was being punished.

lollll

5yo daughter: "This is Winocchio. He's like Pinocchio, but a werewolf."

https://pbs.twimg.com/media/Dllgk1zUcAAxXAu.jpg

That is so cute!

K (6): I'm going to fast.
Me: You know, kids don't actually have to fast for Yom Kippur, only grown-ups.
K: I know, but I'm going to skip breakfast.
E (3): And I'm going to skip bedtime.

Found a list of house rules that my daughter made.

1. do not jrul on my toys
2. dont force me to do tings
3. If I want to do something dont tell me not to.
extera
4. do not sob in the corner

Heck

daughter otm ;_;

My daughter's rules for her room at age 6 or so were

1. No cofee
2. Be Nice
3. Sam (her brother) is oh cay

jrul = draw or drool?

do not sob in the corner ;_;

drool.

Also, she does not sob in the corner. Nor does anyone else in our house. And no one drools on her toys. We're all pretty happy and well-adjusted!

And ymp, I think that No cofee is a great rule for a 6 year old.

my good friend's 3-year old was sitting with us and the Browns-Raiders game was on.

and he wrinkled his little nose and yelled "I WANNA WATCH...NOT THIS!!!"

Normally I’d agree. Turned out to be a good game tho.

In my son's preschool class they show the kids a picture, ask them to tell a story and write down what the kid says. This is the paper we got today: "The Witch flew into the night. A giant came and tied up the witch. The giant got sick and had to go to the giant doctor. Donald Trump ate the giant."

had this fun conversation with my almost 3 year old daughter:

D: I want us to buy a green car without a roof
me: A green car without a roof? what will we do if it rains?
D: paint it another colour

“The Sandman came in my eyes last night”

o_O

lol

"who's the crustiest person in the entire universe"

who

"crustiano ronaldo"

My almost four year old just started talking about dreaming last month - "did you know sometimes there are videos behind your eyes when you sleep? and you can jump right in!".

He also encountered a DVD for the first time, as he had only known about streaming video and the only physical media he's ever encountered are vinyl albums. So he calls DVDs "record movies".

There's also been a lot of Peppa Pig lately, and at times he's started speaking in a british accent and calling my wife "mummy". Note: we are not british.

oh wow, those are all so great.

my four year old K got interested in great british bakeoff when it started autoplaying an ad on netflix. she insists on watching it every once in a while but is only interested if they're baking cakes. she heard mary berry pronounce something to be "scrummy." until the end of the show K kept pointing at cakes and saying "CUMMY!" much to my relief it did not carry on after the show ended.