your terrible ideas

a bluegrass band that plays bingo halls named That's a Good Banjo

And while spinning his tale he keeps throwing out suggestions of what he might have done IF he was the mastermind behind the crimes, which of course he wasn't and couldn't have been, don't be silly. But IF he was...

― A Frankenstein + A Dracula + A Mummy That's Been Werewolfed (Old Lunch), Tuesday, June 26, 2018 9:36 AM (six hours ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

yes to this

Cuzplay (role playing as someone's cousin)

CUZ (it's a) SIN .jpg

Find and hire several pairs of identical twins. Dress them up in like astronaut-style jumpsuits. Call a press conference, where you announce you have unlocked the secrets of time travel.

You have one group (that is, one twin from each pair) next to you at the podium. They're looking neat and clean and brave, about to go into a time machine-looking apparatus or something.

Just then, the OTHER group bursts into the room shouting FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, NO! DON'T DO IT!

Maybe this second group should appear to be bruised and bloody, or perhaps covered with green slime.

For extra wackiness “group 2” could all be in different outfits: WWII uniform, leather bondage playsuit, prison stripes, one of them being carried on a stretcher, etc.

Good idea!

At first I thought the second group should just emerge from the time machine, and the two groups would just stare at each other in a bewildered manner. Lined up with each twin facing their counterpart, like bookends. But I agree the situation calls for more drama.

a monster film where a person wakes up from a coma to find a London filled with glazed-over faces uttering "it's coming home" after every social interaction. "it" eventually "comes home", and it is a giant world cup trophy with a beak and tentacles, basically a giant squid trophy. everyone rushes to be a devoured by the monster in rapture, as the coma person tries to locate a reserve of Pret a Manger ginger beer, which is known to be strong enough to dissolve the monster. The monster is a metaphor for "dangerously legitimized male aggression." The movie ends when the monster devours the protagonist, who then wakes up on a world cup pitch, revealed to be Materazzi struck by Zidane's headbutt.

I love the ending

very last temptation of christ, love it

last temptation of christ / ending of super mario bros 2, i should say

Brush your teeth on the bus.

The day almost certainly will come when I tell some silver fox of a preppy grandpa type "Wanna exploit my daddy issues?"

There should be some sort of Netflix feature where it picks 20 random movies or episodes of television shows which you can just flip through while they are at different points in the movie/episode, similarly to how you would just flip through channels on regular television.

Sometimes I just feel like watching a random 10 minute excerpt from a movie, like I used to do all the time.

shudder has a "shudder tv" feature where you just open the app and there is a movie playing that you can watch if you want (or you can obvs choose your own movie)

Need a TBS style renegade 5 minutes out of sync with the others

oh yeah, it would be great if after finishing a movie, it would show me the last 5 minutes of a randomly picked Seinfeld episode

a podcast, Beautiful Hieronymus, where the host is an A.I. trained only on Bosch dialogue. A random call-in contestant is chosen, and if he or she can lead the conversation with the A.I., again trained only on the dialogue of hard-nosed fictional homicide detective Harry Bosch, into a "tender moment" within the hour, he or she wins an Art Pepper record. A live facebook poll of the extremely popular podcast's listeners determines if a "tender moment" with Bosch has been achieved.

how is this a terrible idea? oh wait it's a call-in show with randoms. Never mind.

new tv show about a hitman called... The Murderizer

the theme song is Britney Spears' song "Womanizer" but with the lyrics changed

murderizer, murderizer, he's the murderizer, baby

Boxcrate -- an internet subscription service where each month you get a box from a different internet box subscription services. Pickles, ties, lingerie, anti-baldness cream, make-up, candy, who knows what you'll get?

I like that

marx and spencer, an odd-couple sitcom in which german philosopher and theorist karl marx shares a flat with alt-right ethnostate-enthusiast richard spencer

Close Encounters of the Richard Kind. The set-up is kind of like a talk show, except instead of talking Mr. Kind just looks at his guests very tenderly and holds hands with them across the desk, perhaps occasionally reaching over to caress their faces.

I'd watch both of the above.

a line of artificial fruit drinks called After You Brush that taste good even right after you've brushed your teeth

a line of natural fruit drinks called 3 Hours Later... which you can enjoy after the effect of the toothpaste has worn off (a 2-pack of After You Brush and 3 Hours Later... could easily get you through the day)

an After You Brush test kit that uses a saliva sample to determine whether it's ok to drink fruit juice

an After You Brush phone app that texts you 3 hours after you've brushed your teeth to let you know that it's ok to drink fruit juice (but it isn't as accurate as the After You Brush test kit)

― i ain't marchant anymore (unregistered), Wednesday, February 4, 2015 11:30 AM (three years ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

a line of toothpaste (secretly manufactured by a competitor of After You Brush) that doesn't affect the taste of fruit juice

― i ain't marchant anymore (unregistered), Wednesday, February 4, 2015 11:31 AM (three years ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

you've really covered all the bases

― Ratt in Mi Kitchen (Neil S), Wednesday, February 4, 2015 11:36 AM (three years ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

^the toothpaste would be called Even After You Brush (xpost)

― i ain't marchant anymore (unregistered), Wednesday, February 4, 2015 11:42 AM (three years ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

a chewing gum (secretly manufactured by After You Brush) called Fresh Breath that secretly contains sodium lauryl sulfate, the same chemical that makes fruit juice taste bitter after you've brushed your teeth. the popularity of Fresh Breath causes Even After You Brush's sales to plummet as consumers of both products are convinced that the toothpaste is useless

a breath spray called Fresher Breath (secretly manufactured by Even After You Brush slogan: "spray after you chew for even fresher breath!") that counteracts the effect of sodium lauryl sulfate, whether the source is toothpaste or gum

― i ain't marchant anymore (unregistered), Wednesday, February 4, 2015 11:45 AM (three years ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

a scathing Michael Moore documentary called Truthpaste that exposes the sodium laurel sulfate racket

― i ain't marchant anymore (unregistered), Wednesday, February 4, 2015 11:47 AM (three years ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

(ok, now I think I've covered all the bases)

― i ain't marchant anymore (unregistered), Wednesday, February 4, 2015 11:48 AM (three years ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

i think about this series of posts quite often

marx and spencer, an odd-couple sitcom in which singer/songwriter Richard Marx shares an apartment with actress Octavia Spencer.

Marks and Spencer, a discussion program wherein Mark Harmon and Mark Knopfler offer extensive commentary re: episodes of the television program Spencer for Hire.

And that really is a terrible idea inasmuch as it clearly should've been Marks On Spencer.

Crosby, Stills, Nash, and Jung, in which the popular folk-rock trio is joined by the prominent 20th-century Swiss psychologist and theorist of psychoanalysis (who surprisingly plays cello and can also sing close harmony).

And just look at us, Lunch, completely oblivious to the fact that this is a thing:

https://i.imgur.com/SJsK4oD.jpg

you poor m&s-deprived souls have my deepest sympathy

I mean, we do have Spencer's, but apparently without Marks, the bar drops pretty far.

https://i.imgur.com/hyzezg8.jpg

spencer's seems pretty uh heavy on the dick-and-balls-related items

xpost Oh, I don't know, something tells me bizarro might be secretly delighted by a retail chain largely dedicated to transgressive merchandise which exists mostly to make twelve-year-olds titter.

Basically yes.

(consults transatlantic translator) It's basically Viz: The Store.

It makes Hard Topic look like Marks & Spencer.

Oh, I don't know, something tells me bizarro might be secretly delighted by a retail chain largely dedicated to transgressive merchandise which exists mostly to make twelve-year-olds titter.

there's nothing secret about it buddy, i love spencer's now

usa! usa! usa!

I regret to inform you it's 20% Family Guy merchandise

death to america

Yes, I should clarify that I have fond memories of visiting Spencer's as a lad but, as with most of the things we enjoy after the onset of puberty but before our critical faculties have begun to solidify, revisiting it as an adult is basically the most depressing thing ever.

'Marx and Censors' would be a great name for a book about Marx's commitment to free speech. But yeah, only in the UK...

or a great book about the marx brothers and what they couldn't get away with in their film career

Or the heavily GG Allin-influenced era of Richard Marx's nascent recording career.

speaking of shitting in front of someone. the Buttler. there's basically a small photocopier next to the toilet at armrest height. you put your used paper on it, soiled side down, to be scanned and analyzed. your phone vibrates when you are done (an adjustable threshold lets you tune the meaning of "done" and optimize that so important and personal time/cleanliness trade-off). The "Buttler" is actually the person who must squeegee the analyzer after every use - a new job created for every bathroom stall. you'd sell accessories like color-coded analyzer toilet paper that indicates if you have enough fiber in your diet. there's Buttler mobile. of course, the real opportunity for growth lies in monetizing all that data.

P much any untapped niche market which involves coming into contact with human waste is there for the taking afaict, go for it bro.

the staircase in my house is nice, hundred year old wood and I just saw a staircase in a movie and thought "hey, I should carpet my stairs"

Try linoleum. Second-hand, if you can get your hands on some.

Do not carpet your stairs.