your terrible ideas

Does he carry them in a case or inside of his jacket

I think the best way to handle it would be for him to always raise a fistful of spoons into the frame with no clear indication of where they even came from. Particularly in situations where he obviously has no spoons or any way to have accessed spoons. Like there's a medium shot where he's running on a beach in a speedo, being chased by goons on dune buggies. He stops, cut to a close-up, fistful of spoons.

I think I might quit my job tomorrow so I can focus all of my energy on shaping the Spoonman pitch.

Who's the ex-cop with a spoon who makes all the ladies swoon? SPOONMAN

He's a bad mother spoone- SHUT YO MOUTH

I'm talkin' bout Spoonman!

Vinnie Spoonmanski. He owns and lives above a diner. Because what's another name for a diner.

He dishes out spoonfuls... of justice.

He's measured out his life in spoons... of whoopass.

Revenge. A dish best served... with a spoon.

He only uses a pair of spoons to eat with. He shaves with a sharpened spoon. The ignition of his Harley has been modified to fit a spoon rather than a standard ignition key. Anyone who comments on his troubling monomania gets a spoon right in the throat.

Does he investigate crimes on Native American reservations?

the ladies crave his...

lovin' spoonful

I don't know if he's too manly for catchphrases, but does he maybe have a comic-relief sidekick who could say it for him?

Like "You been SERVED."

Or "Howzabout two teaspoons of JUSTICE, punk?"

'That was wonderful, Spoonman, but I should go.'
'Hey, why don't you stay the night?'
'Are you sure?'
'Sure I'm sure. If there's anything I love more than making love to a beautiful woman...it's spooning.'
(sax solo)

Please do not underestimate how far down the rabbit whole of irredeemable awfulness I'm willing to go wit this thing.

'rabbit whole'

Sorry, that dumb typo was making me laugh harder than it ever should have.

a whole skinned rabbit slaps spoonman in the face, disorienting him to the point of almost terminal confusion

he thrashes on the ground, rabbit meat stuck across his eyes and mouth

a cloaked figure appears at the edge of a nearby apartment block and a jeering voice sounds across the alley where spoonman lies

'good luck cutting your way free from my rabbit whole with your pathetic spoons, spoonman! maybe you need... a SPORK!'

the figure steps into the light, revealing spoonman's arch-enemy, sporkman, laughing maniacally

*ad break*

Many of his nemeses (see also: The Wired Jaw, Reinhold Von Tarnish) have, per tradition, adopted personae in direct response to Spoonman's whole steeze but, even despite numerous comments from his sidekicks and compatriots alluding to the various dark mirrors in his rogues gallery, Spoonman totally doesn't understand and thinks they're all completely ridiculous. 'What idiot would think to commit crimes with a ladle? I mean, is it just me or is that the stupidest thing you've ever heard, Bergeron?'

'Eh...oui, Monsieur Spoonman. Is, 'ow you say, tres ridicule.' (glares pityingly at Spoonman)

Dr. Tong, Count Spatula, Forkenstein...

Uri Geller

This thing just fuckin' writes itself, man.

dowd’s joke went right over my head

adopted personae in direct response to Spoonman's whole steeze

Busted a gut at this, loool

maybe not the exact right thread, but I was thinking a good name for a twee indie band album would be "Au Contraire, Au Pair"

No, you're definitely in the right thread for that one.

:)

A productivity book/system that basically just recommends writing reminders on your hand in pen.

Don't have a catchy name for it yet.

The Longhand Planner Spanning Across Your Hand Plan

Actually, "The Longhand Solution" might be good

Note: I actually do this. When I need to do something in the morning (take out the trash, early kid dr. appointment) I write it on my hand. Usually I understand what the notes mean but sometimes I'm like "why did I write 'BLRVg' on my hand?"

I was just thinking it would be fun if I was walking around my office with like "9:30am interview temp candidate; 11am draft report to David" on my hand

burst into this thread a couple months down the line with 'LEW HANH' sock account making a huge fuss about how i finally found the upstart who's irresponsible snooping made them take away my royalties, and how dare you, etc etc

Capitalizing on the popularity of the longhand solution with the iGlove

I don't know if this counts as an 'idea' per se, since it autogenerated in my mind fully-formed with no conscious intent, but I just very clearly imagined a commercial with Schwarzenegger as a Lyft pitchman who agrily intones, 'it's not an Uber!'

'angrily' obvs

a version of the UK TV quiz show 'Mastermind' where your opponent gets to choose your specialist subject for you and you then have a month to swot up on that topic before the quiz - the object would be to pick the most tedious possible specialist subject so your competitor would have to make the choice whether they (e.g.) spend a month watching every episode of Midsomer Murders or just wing it and hope to make up points on the general knowledge round

"I'm with stupid ->" t-shirts in other languages

я с тупым ->

मैं बेवकूफ के साथ हूँ

Etc

I dunno, man. This one could work to your advantage.

https://i.imgur.com/G4x5hvK.png

Really I just wanted something with text I can't read on it. Even just one, two, three, four done in the style of those John Paul George Ringo t shirts but in Cyrillic, Hindi, Korean, Japanese etc just because they are fascinating.

Or maybe, more politically, just Welcome in a selection of non-English scripts. Syrian, polish, Romanian...

Seems like you could do something with this like this prank against Richard Nixon. Take something like "I'm with stupid" but make it into something even more sinister.

Tuck's most famous prank against Nixon is known as "the Chinatown Caper".[8] During his campaign for Governor of California in 1962, Nixon visited Chinatown in Los Angeles. At the campaign stop, a backdrop of children holding "welcome" signs in English and Chinese was set up. As Nixon spoke, an elder from the community whispered that one of the signs in Chinese said, "What about the Hughes loan?" The sign was a reference to an unsecured $205,000 loan that Howard Hughes had made to Nixon's brother, Donald. Nixon grabbed a sign and, on camera, ripped it up.[8] Later, Tuck learned, to his chagrin, that the Chinese characters actually spelled out "What about the huge loan?"

Cinnamon sugar hash browns

an all-spanish Parquet Courts cover band called Porque Cortez

Fucking lol

A Michael Moore-style documentary about income inequality and disparity, rising housing prices, etc. The title?

“Serfin’ U.S.A.”

Roombidet

Roomba + bidet

Actual lol right there.

lol

So many questions

A remake of Usual Suspects where the Kevin Spacey role is replaced by OJ Simpson as himself, and instead of Kaiser Soze it's Kaiser Sojay, but no one makes the connection.

And while spinning his tale he keeps throwing out suggestions of what he might have done IF he was the mastermind behind the crimes, which of course he wasn't and couldn't have been, don't be silly. But IF he was...

a bluegrass band that plays bingo halls named That's a Good Banjo