your terrible ideas

haahahhaha

i think if it'd been built before 1970 in a fiberglass or plaster-and-lath giraffe, a la Lucy the Elephant or the Long Island Duckling, it'd be a beloved piece of americana currently waging a desperate fundraising/landmarking battle to save it from demolition and redevelopment as a walgreen's.

(I will cop to basically thieving Jack Handey's cadence in my last post.)

Never apologize for Jack Handey cadence! He is a legend

A porn parody of "Too Many Cooks" (which was apparently plagiarized from me) called "Too Many Cocks." It's the same concept as Too Many Cooks -- 30 minutes of credits/freeze-frames -- but with porn.

Like, guy intensely fucking, suddenly turns and looks at the camera, laughs, freeze frame

sometimes you have to make the things you want to see in the world

a mashup of excerpts from Autechre - Amber with 3/11 - Amber

A reading comprehension section of a standardized test (such as the SAT) wherein students are asked to read song lyrics and determine whether 'love' is being used euphemistically to refer to either God or fucking.

A bar specializing in rye whiskey called The Public Ryebrary

Catch up on the politics threads from yesterday

"public ryeberry" is great or at least a plausible moneymaker. every college town has a fake-ID bar called "the library" so the kids can crack themselves up saying they're gonna head to "the library" - - - just have to inculcate them early in hipster whiskeyism and you've got a goldmine here.

er "ryebrary"

I saw this quote on the Neil Young thread last week:

What the fuck am I doing writing about Aztecs in "Cortez the Killer" like I was there, wandering around? 'Cause I only read about it in a few books. A lotta shit I just made up because it came to me.

Then the other day I listened to a Radiolab about audio and video synthesis and how insane it's getting in terms of being able to fake footage of people doing and saying pretty much anything.

Now I want to see a clip of Trump reading the lyrics of "Cortez The Killer" at a rally full of presumably nationalistic Aztecs, getting everyone riled up about how their traditional way of life is treated by these dirty spaniards, mocking their galleons and guns, talking about how many of the best stones the audience had lifted, etc.

no way -- the escalator video is bad enough!

A female buddy picture called Yanny & Laurel. Two strangers bond during a facebook debate over what color a dress is. Realizing they are both fed up with social media, modern life, and their husbands, they run away together. But it has a twist ending -- they are the same person. Thelma & Louise meets Fight Club.

setting: an elite university. a pair of dog mascots named Damon and Naomi flee to freedom after being mistreated by the cruel canine-hating head of school, Dean Wareham, who subsequently pursues them across the country in his Galaxie 500.

Could work.

Though I don't like to think of DW as a dog hater :(.

that crusty old Dean

a subtle audio recut of Homeward Bound that adds little grunts, "fucks", and "shits" to the soundtrack during moments when the dogs and cat are shown moving through difficult terrain to music.

a 6-season HBO series about Gideon’s convoluted plans to smuggle bibles into hotel dresser drawers

Lolling hard @ Homeward Bound remix rn.

A version of Nethack called netflick, or some such, in which all enemies are characters from Netflix shows. I told you it was terrible.

Just heard 'Spoonman' (love Soundgarden but always thought this song was super dorky) and very vividly pictured an opening credits montage for a syndicated '90s action-thriller tv series with Lorenzo Lamas as the titular Spoonman, a vigilante ex-cop on the edge who employs spoons in a number of crime-fighting capabilities (as a projectile, to pick locks, maybe distracting hoodlums by tapping them against things, definitely MacGyver-ing various intricate spoon-based traps and bombs), and also he plays them and occasionally uses them as an eating utensil. Kind of like the Spoon from Mystery Men but with much more 'tude and a luxurious ponytail that the babes can't resist.

Does he carry them in a case or inside of his jacket

I think the best way to handle it would be for him to always raise a fistful of spoons into the frame with no clear indication of where they even came from. Particularly in situations where he obviously has no spoons or any way to have accessed spoons. Like there's a medium shot where he's running on a beach in a speedo, being chased by goons on dune buggies. He stops, cut to a close-up, fistful of spoons.

I think I might quit my job tomorrow so I can focus all of my energy on shaping the Spoonman pitch.

Who's the ex-cop with a spoon who makes all the ladies swoon? SPOONMAN

He's a bad mother spoone- SHUT YO MOUTH

I'm talkin' bout Spoonman!

Vinnie Spoonmanski. He owns and lives above a diner. Because what's another name for a diner.

He dishes out spoonfuls... of justice.

He's measured out his life in spoons... of whoopass.

Revenge. A dish best served... with a spoon.

He only uses a pair of spoons to eat with. He shaves with a sharpened spoon. The ignition of his Harley has been modified to fit a spoon rather than a standard ignition key. Anyone who comments on his troubling monomania gets a spoon right in the throat.

Does he investigate crimes on Native American reservations?

the ladies crave his...

lovin' spoonful

I don't know if he's too manly for catchphrases, but does he maybe have a comic-relief sidekick who could say it for him?

Like "You been SERVED."

Or "Howzabout two teaspoons of JUSTICE, punk?"

'That was wonderful, Spoonman, but I should go.'
'Hey, why don't you stay the night?'
'Are you sure?'
'Sure I'm sure. If there's anything I love more than making love to a beautiful woman...it's spooning.'
(sax solo)

Please do not underestimate how far down the rabbit whole of irredeemable awfulness I'm willing to go wit this thing.

'rabbit whole'

Sorry, that dumb typo was making me laugh harder than it ever should have.

a whole skinned rabbit slaps spoonman in the face, disorienting him to the point of almost terminal confusion

he thrashes on the ground, rabbit meat stuck across his eyes and mouth

a cloaked figure appears at the edge of a nearby apartment block and a jeering voice sounds across the alley where spoonman lies

'good luck cutting your way free from my rabbit whole with your pathetic spoons, spoonman! maybe you need... a SPORK!'

the figure steps into the light, revealing spoonman's arch-enemy, sporkman, laughing maniacally

*ad break*

Many of his nemeses (see also: The Wired Jaw, Reinhold Von Tarnish) have, per tradition, adopted personae in direct response to Spoonman's whole steeze but, even despite numerous comments from his sidekicks and compatriots alluding to the various dark mirrors in his rogues gallery, Spoonman totally doesn't understand and thinks they're all completely ridiculous. 'What idiot would think to commit crimes with a ladle? I mean, is it just me or is that the stupidest thing you've ever heard, Bergeron?'

'Eh...oui, Monsieur Spoonman. Is, 'ow you say, tres ridicule.' (glares pityingly at Spoonman)

Dr. Tong, Count Spatula, Forkenstein...

Uri Geller

This thing just fuckin' writes itself, man.

dowd’s joke went right over my head

adopted personae in direct response to Spoonman's whole steeze

Busted a gut at this, loool

maybe not the exact right thread, but I was thinking a good name for a twee indie band album would be "Au Contraire, Au Pair"

No, you're definitely in the right thread for that one.

:)

A productivity book/system that basically just recommends writing reminders on your hand in pen.

Don't have a catchy name for it yet.