thread to get over a breakup

the gaps get wider and the quality of the sadness/remorse changes over time tbf

'these things heal with time'... well yes and no. it ebbs and flows. you might find that three days out of a relationship the feeling of catharsis and relief has you feeling invincible. Eight months later you find an old t-shirt in a drawer...

yeah, definitely. during my last big breakup i almost felt guilty about how happy i felt 2 weeks later. i felt like i had a new lease on life, i wanted to go out every night, i started making plans for camping trips and took up duolingo and devoured books in coffeeshops. my ex even got mad at me about how happy i seemed to be, like "why weren't you were like this before? it's all i wanted!" but then a few months later, just unending waves of sadness and regret, no hope at all. but as NV says, the gaps get wider. the euphoria of the near-aftermath dissipates but so do the unexpected crying incidents.

otm to all of that. no euphoria here tho, mostly feeling v sad for the other half. which won't do her any good, i know.

feeling sad for the other person is a big thing. knowing that someone's in pain because of you, well... maybe it doesn't concern some people as much, but for me it's a nightmare.

i'm back at work today after a bit of a break away, and as expected it's a very tense and unnatural atmosphere to be in.

you didn't like herzog. or tarkovsky. or free jazz. and you made me turn off king krule and forced me to listen to ray lamontagne. other than that you were a spectacular person. but ... look, i don't even care about the free jazz. but ray lamontagne was a total deal breaker. peace b with u.

<3

hahaha

the man is a troubadour!

lol

coming to good consensus music picks is difficult, best to have shared tastes that neither of you are that into for a trial period so you don't come to associate anything you truly love with an ex

Cheers to Noodle Vague, diamdonddave85, and others in the long-term breakup-sadness crew. It's coming up on six years since my big breakup, and it's true, the sadness comes and goes unpredictably.

Tonight I've been reflecting, for about the millionth time, on the fact that there are things she could tell me--about what our relationship was really like for her, especially at the end, and how she perceives it now--that could change the way I feel about myself and my life profoundly. But we'll never talk about these things. I doubt she thinks about them at all now, and I certainly don't want to reveal that I do. For better or for worse, I'll never know. Usually I'm alright with that, given that the truth could devastate me. But sometimes the frustration of not knowing is just too much.

where is the bottom

God you think you're alright, you think you're through it, you feel independent and actually find yourself enjoying the mild thrill of all that. Then you decide to take yourself off somewhere one mildly-hungover afternoon when your senses are a bit all over the place and instantly realise that the only time you went there before was 10 years ago when romance was still blossoming and it was with her and suddenly the emotion it's ambushing...

Hugs dude.

I dunno, those feelings are testament to something that was worthwhile and at least that's something. It beats not feeling anything.

<3

Heard a new word the other day 'tabanca', a West Indian term that Google describes as 'a painful feeling of unrequited love, typically for a former lover and causing unbalanced or violent behaviour'.

Discovered the opposite of a seven year itch. In the last couple of weeks I've dreamt about my ex 4 or 5 times - dreams of still being together or of breaking apart. You're not helping, subconscious.

I wonder if it's a "thing" -- i remember going through it around that time. Realized yesterday that I have no logical reason to have a kitchen table, because I drink coffee in bed and eat in front of the tv, though my ex would have his morning coffee at that table, but he hasn't lived with me for 9 years, so I might as well move that table into the room I use as my office, where it would be useful, and then I can have more room for storage where the kitchen table is now.

I'm sure it is a thing. I'm under the weather and depressive atm and I'm dealing with that consciously as best as I know how so this is Probly some escape valve for my brain. The recurrence is unsettling and annoying tho

also winter

Yeah, especially the darkness

when you find things you hate/have no use for/think are ugly but somehow kept hanging around because your ex liked them and they literally became part of the furniture. Getting rid of those things can be very liberating

i haven't directly read or watched marie kondo, but as i understand, you should ask yourself if those items bring you joy, and then say thank you to them before discarding

i definitely did not follow that advice the last time i was getting over a breakup. i believe i just held the items in my hand for a while, crying, before throwing them in the garbage and drinking heavily

i moved the table into my office, moved my music gear around to take advantage of the space left by the table and actually played/practiced. I am accepting that I won't have that romantic domesticity anymore, and I'm just gonna be a single person with space to play percussion and electronics and have a bunch of books and that is fine.

Drifting towards a similar realisation but not quite at the "it's fine" stage most days

heh - it's only been "fine" for 3 days so ... and it's been 9 years since we split. I feel like I suck at getting over breakups considering how long it's been. The other posters in this thread seem way better at it than me.

I'm mostly over the breakup, despite the last couple of weird weeks. I think part of the process of getting over it was recognising how much it was my fault, and waking up to my bad behaviour. I think that's also partly why I'm resigning myself to a single future - it's hard to meet people looking for a relationship as you get older, and I really don't feel like I'm a catch, or trust myself to do the work to become one, :/

you proposed to plax yesterday!

I know but they never replied ;_;

He likes oatmeal iirc

anyway <3 to all obv