thread to get over a breakup

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Also why the fuck can't we seem to get rid of Gabnebb, jesus christ.

lbi's life of limitless european glamour (Le Bateau Ivre), Tuesday, 3 April 2018 19:40 (six years ago) link

One of my favorite things to do is to go to the theater by myself (pre-Netlfix). But this may depend where one lives. I have gone to loads of shows by myself as well, most likely because I never want to stand in the crowd where my friends want to stand anyway so I don't mind standing by myself.

Yerac, Tuesday, 3 April 2018 19:41 (six years ago) link

OTM about trying to set up a new routine above. I am a big advocate for finding a class that meets on the regular for something that you would like to learn and that would challenge you. Something that would require an end goal/test for you to accomplish by a a deadline and would require you to study. It makes you really focused everywhere else, if you can can commit to it.

Yerac, Tuesday, 3 April 2018 19:45 (six years ago) link

Could we stop interacting with MV?

This is an atrociously wanky sentiment, but you never go to a movie alone, if there’s no-one else there you’re still there with the writers/director.

Andrew Farrell, Tuesday, 3 April 2018 19:45 (six years ago) link

highly recommend going to a movie alone
i still do it now and then

i mean, its not like you talk to anyone anyway, even if you do go with someone
(unless you are a disgusting savage)
it’s very pleasant & enjoyable imo

Squeaky Fromage (VegemiteGrrl), Tuesday, 3 April 2018 19:54 (six years ago) link

I saw a movie by myself yesterday and I was the only person in the theater

It was marvelous

mh, Tuesday, 3 April 2018 19:54 (six years ago) link

We never got to go to movie theaters growing up, maybe once a year as a treat. So now I am like, fuck yeah!, I get to do what I want, whenever I want, by myself.

Yerac, Tuesday, 3 April 2018 20:16 (six years ago) link

chill guys I know it's probably perfectly normal to go to the cinema alone, I just never did it because generally there'd be the occasion of someone else coming along, which is lucky for me I guess :-) thanks though everyone

loud horn beeping jazzsplaining arse (dog latin), Tuesday, 3 April 2018 20:58 (six years ago) link

what movie were you considering?

mh, Tuesday, 3 April 2018 21:09 (six years ago) link

ah, a man of taste

mh, Tuesday, 3 April 2018 23:47 (six years ago) link

I've seen 87 films in a cinema by myself in the last 12 months; in about 80 of those cases it was better than not seeing the films. dl I suggest going to some films that your ex wouldn't have gone to, or would have only gone to in order to keep you company - so the "odd" behaviour has different expectations to what coupled outings were like

just noticed tears shaped like florida. (sic), Wednesday, 4 April 2018 10:18 (six years ago) link

think i will. there's a great arthouse cinema right nearby and if anything it would be a good exercise in going things alone

loud horn beeping jazzsplaining arse (dog latin), Wednesday, 4 April 2018 10:21 (six years ago) link

sic what magical cinema do you live nearby that would show that many good films??

niels, Wednesday, 4 April 2018 18:43 (six years ago) link

you really were a garbage heap weren't you. it's been four months so i've had some time to cool but you just get worse in retrospect. damn i was desperate. you played me and i played you. what a huge lesson on what not to do.

map, Saturday, 7 April 2018 21:16 (six years ago) link

sic what magical cinema do you live nearby that would show that many good films??

off-topic but

in Sydney I lived fifteen minutes walk from Dendy Newtown, effectively the flagship for a chain that used to be an arthouse distributor, and now also run multi-screens showing big new releases with a smattering of indies.

(also half an hour from a major multiplex where I saw one film with a housemate last year, and not far from a pub that showed oddball and cult films on Tuesday nights, where I often went with friends)


I spent a couple of months in LA, where I had intended to live near a single-screen arthouse that operates a yearly subscription plan, but it closed down due to a decade-long sexual harassment situation being reported, in between me buying my ticket and getting on a plane. but I went to a few new releases at the Arclight, and a bunch of double-features and single matinees at the New Beverly, a revival house which only screens on 35mm and 16mm, with $8 double features + opening cartoons every night of the year, plus kids films on weekend afternoons, grindhouse midnights, etc.

(also saw a couple of '40s noirs at LACMA with friends.)


now in Seattle, within 10-30 minutes walk are:

a 16-screen multiplex where every single seat is an electric recliner with cup holders and tray tables [that takes Moviepass]

a 10+-screen multiplex with larger screens but less comfortable seats [takes MP]

-- both the multiplexes have odd runs of French and Japanese and Chinese and Australian and Iranian & al. new releases, and one takes part in national one-day remaster screenings (eg The African Queen, the director's cut of the musical Little Shop Of Horrors, The Dark Crystal, various Ghiblis)

a single-screen revival & rental house (mostly 80s and 90s, US and Japanese) where the seats are all half-booths to which you can order food and booze [MP]

a hand-built, volunteer-run non-profit arthouse with three screens, that runs one-offs, docos, foreign films, mini-festivals and the like [MP]

a Cinerama-capable single screen (one of three in the world) that otherwise has a 90-foot screen and the first commercial laser projection ever installed

a single screen in a 103-year-old theatre that's operated by the Seattle International Film Festival. they've had the likes of Shape Of Water, Death Of Stalin and a touring noir festival recently.

and the Seattle Art Museum, which shows films on Thursday night: just finished a run of Bergmans, now doing a few months of British Hitch talkies

plus 90 minutes walk north (30-50 by bus) is a falling-apart multiscreen that mostly shows new releases, but will also have one-week runs of things like Brian Taylor's recent parents-kill-kids horror comedy with Nic Cage & Selma Blair, Heather Graham's auteurist debut where she has sex with a younger Australian guy, and the latest Haneke. [MP]

90 minutes walk south (20-30 by tram) is a three-screener that mainly shows not BRAND new, but recent months' new releases, and also things like a three-week season of colour Hitchcocks, the Oscar-nommed shorts, odd horror one-offs, Le Roi de Couer (1966), Harold & Maude. This week they've got Purple Rain and Stop Making Sense running. [MP]

The Grand Illusion, a single-screen film-compatible arthouse is a little further north than the above, but I haven't found time to get to anything there. And SIFF operates two other theatres less than an hour's walk, but I've only made it to a six-hour pause-and-discuss screening of MMXXL (to which the director was going to come, but it was on his son's birthday, so he skyped in near the end).

just noticed tears shaped like florida. (sic), Monday, 9 April 2018 08:11 (six years ago) link

brb, moving to Seattle, realising after 5 years that I never actually go to any of these things.

Andrew Farrell, Monday, 9 April 2018 08:24 (six years ago) link

wow sic that's impressive! seems you're a pretty dedicated cinephile too...

niels, Monday, 9 April 2018 11:46 (six years ago) link

The secret is you need a good repertory cinema nearby. But I think with Øst for Paradis collaborating with Cinemateket, it should be very doable in both Aarhus and Copenhagen.

Frederik B, Monday, 9 April 2018 12:56 (six years ago) link

there's never such a thing as a clean break eh?
a big problem right now is that I currently work with the person I broke up with upthread. turns out, from a text message exchange I had over the weekend, she's still holding out on the possibility of getting back together. She blames her history of anxiety issues on ruining our relationship and thinks that with counselling she can work to fix our relationship. I've tried to be clear that it's more than this, and that my decision is clear.
One of the big issues we had when we were together was a dismissal of my emotional needs (I was always 'being sensitive' or made to feel like I was 'making it all up' if I tried to address problem areas), and once again it feels like my own wishes are not being taken seriously - I don't really mean it when I say I don't want to get back together.
when we broke up, I wasn't quite ready to block her from my Facebook but I did try putting her on my acquaintances list. sure enough, I got asked why I did this and felt a bit silly and put her back on my regular list.
Then, if ever I post anything that might sound positive on FB I get a text saying something like 'glad to see you're having a nice time with your friends while I'm here feeling miserable' or somesuch, naturally not realising that I don't post about the time I nearly sobbed into my breakfast in front of my own dad this weekend etc..
Anyway the moral of the story is: if you break up with someone, even if you think you're able to remain friends in the future, just block them from social media, write down each others numbers, put them in a safe place and delete the number off your phones. Then work out how you're going to share the same piece of office carpet for 40 hours a week.

on the plus side, I've taken this as an opportunity to deactivate my Facebook account* despite really needing social interaction at the moment. I've spent way too much time in the last few weeks moronically scrolling through feeds and posting up every little brainfart I ever had. it's bad for me and it's time to start living life in a more productive way.

*by the way, has anyone tried this? FFS they really don't make it easy do they? I wanted to deactivate my account and it says CATEGORICALLY that you can deactivate Facebook while keeping Messenger going. But after going through the quite rigorous deactivation process and deleting the app, lo and behold after two hours it's magically reappeared on my phone and I've received an email saying that because I logged into Messenger, my Facebook account has been reactivated. What in the fucking fuckety fuck is going on?

loud horn beeping jazzsplaining arse (dog latin), Monday, 9 April 2018 12:57 (six years ago) link

once again it feels like my own wishes are not being taken seriously - I don't really mean it when I say I don't want to get back together.

this reads strangely. I should clarify that it's she who doesn't believe I don't want to get back together

loud horn beeping jazzsplaining arse (dog latin), Monday, 9 April 2018 13:00 (six years ago) link

While my own experience (see 77) has been remarkably different from yours, I've a friend who's going through something like what you describe DL. Her man just does not accept it's over. She's told him over and over and over and he thinks it's either: a) a power game, b) she's "not in her right mind", c) she has a fear of commitment, d) all of the above etc etc. It's just not getting through! He even said she needs therapy.. Yeah, no.
Her complication being they are living together. He's made no attempt whatsoever at leaving, because he really does not seem to believe she means what she says. He just thinks it's a "phase". Good lord. She's set an ultimatum for him to get out of her house, he's just not doing it. Afraid that can get really ugly.

lbi's life of limitless european glamour (Le Bateau Ivre), Monday, 9 April 2018 13:05 (six years ago) link

also facebook screws with you and is the devil and complicates *everything*, break-ups are no exception. I feel you there.

lbi's life of limitless european glamour (Le Bateau Ivre), Monday, 9 April 2018 13:05 (six years ago) link

jesus that's a lawyers/big friends/strychnine in the coffee situation

vermicious kid (Noodle Vague), Monday, 9 April 2018 13:10 (six years ago) link

that sounds horrible LBI. jeez I guess I can relate on both sides. when my previous, longer term relationship broke down, it took me a long time to get out of the denial stage. we lived together in a limbonic cohabiting separation for three months before finally moving apart. really hope your friend can get the message through and that her ex sees sense

i stumbled on a podcast today (gotta do something now I'm off FB eh?) which is currently focusing on break ups. A big part of the message for 'dumpers' is their responsibility to be clear as possible without committing a character assassination.
one bit of advice was for them to begin with the things they've enjoyed about the relationship before explaining why their needs are not being fulfilled, which is good advice I guess. Then there was a whole bit about wanting to protect people's feelings and therefore coming off as ambiguous about the break up. it's fine and good advice but all people are different and take these things in completely different ways.

loud horn beeping jazzsplaining arse (dog latin), Monday, 9 April 2018 13:14 (six years ago) link

another story in that podcast was about a guy who knocked on his ex girlfriend's door a year after their break up. they'd both been using an app that let's you pay for transactions for other people (so you can pay someone back for a coffee they bought you or something), and unless you mark them as so, these transactions are public. they can also include little comments, emojis etc.
So this guy was like 'I'm still able to see your transactions and it's eating me up because I can see you've bought this Joe guy a breakfast sandwich. I can see you've moved on with your life while I'm here a year later unable to move on with mine'.
Joe was a colleague. There was nothing to this transaction beyond friendship. But this guy had seen the transaction and created a whole narrative in his mind. And then he was bitter at his ex for getting over the breakup before him.
In turn, she felt angry because not only had this guy invented a whole scenario based on a social media transaction, but he had failed to consider the weeks and months where she had cried and felt terrible and sorry for herself post-breakup. She felt as though she'd done the necessary healing and mending work to get back on her feet, while he was blaming her for his inability to do the same.

loud horn beeping jazzsplaining arse (dog latin), Monday, 9 April 2018 13:24 (six years ago) link

that sounds horrible LBI. jeez I guess I can relate on both sides. when my previous, longer term relationship broke down, it took me a long time to get out of the denial stage. we lived together in a limbonic cohabiting separation for three months before finally moving apart. really hope your friend can get the message through and that her ex sees sense

Yeah, same here. And I understand it's a tough break after 8 years, but... It's her house, he moved in with her. She's been very strong and adamant about not wanting to leave her home, but is staying with friends this week, just because the toxic atmosphere became too much to bear (and he actually believes she went away this week to "think about things", ie. sees it as a chance she'll come back and say she made a mistake or whatever. Which is def not the case, she explicitly told him she can't stand his ignorance and refusal to LISTEN to her. It's just not getting through. Or he's playing a game himself. If his behaviour doesn't change I too fear lawyers will have to be involved. She tried to avoid it also because he'll be out on the street, and has little to no money, but there's no other way. This has been dragging on for a month now, and he's getting very pass-agg. No joke: yesterday he 'gifted' her a first aid kit, for her to use to 'fix' the relationship. That's when she knew she had to get the hell out of there... o_O)

Strychnine in his cuppa sounds about right. Will see if LJ can hook me up with the Russians.

lbi's life of limitless european glamour (Le Bateau Ivre), Monday, 9 April 2018 13:43 (six years ago) link

oh.. God.. Love. If there's one thing that drives people mad huh?

loud horn beeping jazzsplaining arse (dog latin), Monday, 9 April 2018 14:04 (six years ago) link

Anyway the moral of the story is: if you break up with someone, even if you think you're able to remain friends in the future, just block them from social media, write down each others numbers, put them in a safe place and delete the number off your phones.

this advice is timely since i woke up this morning to a notification on my fone saying "X has joined Signal!". the only reason she would have installed an encrypted messenger for dorks is that she must be seeing some dork who made her install it. on top of that instagram constantly recommending that i follow her etc etc. our breakup was more or less amicable, she's still a good person and i cherish the years we had, so i feel weird deleting her off my fone. but jesus fuck these social media apps and their notifications just will not stfu

brendon urine (diamonddave85), Monday, 9 April 2018 14:38 (six years ago) link

we use it as a communication tool especially re: the children but tbh yeah it's not that i'm jealous or wish her anything but joy it's just painful sometimes to see her life with me not in it

vermicious kid (Noodle Vague), Monday, 9 April 2018 14:42 (six years ago) link

and i guess a question for the folks in the thread: how long is too long iyo for the memory to still get you choked up? it's been a year since my breakup and i'd say i'm doing well but whenever i remember my old life, her family, the places we visited, our home, the failed relationship, i still get teary eyed. surely i should be past that at this point?

brendon urine (diamonddave85), Monday, 9 April 2018 14:44 (six years ago) link

i'll tell you if it wears off. it's been 6 years.

vermicious kid (Noodle Vague), Monday, 9 April 2018 14:45 (six years ago) link

how long is too long iyo for the memory to still get you choked up?

There's no "too long". It's ok. xp

lbi's life of limitless european glamour (Le Bateau Ivre), Monday, 9 April 2018 14:46 (six years ago) link

well good to know that it's normal, thanks all

brendon urine (diamonddave85), Monday, 9 April 2018 14:48 (six years ago) link

the gaps get wider and the quality of the sadness/remorse changes over time tbf

vermicious kid (Noodle Vague), Monday, 9 April 2018 14:50 (six years ago) link

'these things heal with time'... well yes and no. it ebbs and flows. you might find that three days out of a relationship the feeling of catharsis and relief has you feeling invincible. Eight months later you find an old t-shirt in a drawer...

loud horn beeping jazzsplaining arse (dog latin), Monday, 9 April 2018 16:04 (six years ago) link

yeah, definitely. during my last big breakup i almost felt guilty about how happy i felt 2 weeks later. i felt like i had a new lease on life, i wanted to go out every night, i started making plans for camping trips and took up duolingo and devoured books in coffeeshops. my ex even got mad at me about how happy i seemed to be, like "why weren't you were like this before? it's all i wanted!" but then a few months later, just unending waves of sadness and regret, no hope at all. but as NV says, the gaps get wider. the euphoria of the near-aftermath dissipates but so do the unexpected crying incidents.

Karl Malone, Monday, 9 April 2018 16:11 (six years ago) link

otm to all of that. no euphoria here tho, mostly feeling v sad for the other half. which won't do her any good, i know.

lbi's life of limitless european glamour (Le Bateau Ivre), Monday, 9 April 2018 16:23 (six years ago) link

feeling sad for the other person is a big thing. knowing that someone's in pain because of you, well... maybe it doesn't concern some people as much, but for me it's a nightmare.

i'm back at work today after a bit of a break away, and as expected it's a very tense and unnatural atmosphere to be in.

brand new universal harvester (dog latin), Tuesday, 10 April 2018 13:43 (six years ago) link

you didn't like herzog. or tarkovsky. or free jazz. and you made me turn off king krule and forced me to listen to ray lamontagne. other than that you were a spectacular person. but ... look, i don't even care about the free jazz. but ray lamontagne was a total deal breaker. peace b with u.

the late great, Tuesday, 10 April 2018 18:34 (six years ago) link

<3

marcos, Tuesday, 10 April 2018 18:36 (six years ago) link

hahaha

Louis Jägermeister (jim in vancouver), Tuesday, 10 April 2018 18:40 (six years ago) link

the man is a troubadour!

Louis Jägermeister (jim in vancouver), Tuesday, 10 April 2018 18:41 (six years ago) link

lol

map, Tuesday, 10 April 2018 18:43 (six years ago) link

coming to good consensus music picks is difficult, best to have shared tastes that neither of you are that into for a trial period so you don't come to associate anything you truly love with an ex

alvin noto (mh), Tuesday, 10 April 2018 18:46 (six years ago) link

Cheers to Noodle Vague, diamdonddave85, and others in the long-term breakup-sadness crew. It's coming up on six years since my big breakup, and it's true, the sadness comes and goes unpredictably.

Tonight I've been reflecting, for about the millionth time, on the fact that there are things she could tell me--about what our relationship was really like for her, especially at the end, and how she perceives it now--that could change the way I feel about myself and my life profoundly. But we'll never talk about these things. I doubt she thinks about them at all now, and I certainly don't want to reveal that I do. For better or for worse, I'll never know. Usually I'm alright with that, given that the truth could devastate me. But sometimes the frustration of not knowing is just too much.

JRN, Wednesday, 11 April 2018 05:33 (six years ago) link

one month passes...

where is the bottom

DACA Flocka Flame (Hadrian VIII), Wednesday, 16 May 2018 00:13 (five years ago) link

one month passes...

God you think you're alright, you think you're through it, you feel independent and actually find yourself enjoying the mild thrill of all that. Then you decide to take yourself off somewhere one mildly-hungover afternoon when your senses are a bit all over the place and instantly realise that the only time you went there before was 10 years ago when romance was still blossoming and it was with her and suddenly the emotion it's ambushing...

Gâteau Superstar (dog latin), Wednesday, 11 July 2018 12:05 (five years ago) link

Hugs dude.

I dunno, those feelings are testament to something that was worthwhile and at least that's something. It beats not feeling anything.

he's one of our pwn (Noodle Vague), Wednesday, 11 July 2018 12:08 (five years ago) link

<3

Heard a new word the other day 'tabanca', a West Indian term that Google describes as 'a painful feeling of unrequited love, typically for a former lover and causing unbalanced or violent behaviour'.

Gâteau Superstar (dog latin), Wednesday, 11 July 2018 12:12 (five years ago) link


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