Trans/Genderqueer/Agender/Questioning Thread

Oh, also, when I got my hair cut this weekend and got the green touched up, I told my stylist, "I want to try growing it out again, but don't feel like you have to be . . . confined, by like . . . a masculine cut? Feel free to make it more . . . androgynous?" Like doing everything possible to avoid saying out loud "I'm changing my gender presentation and want to use my own hair." But I think she got it. I eventually pulled up a picture of a long, curly asymmetrical bob and said, "I know this is a 'women's cut' but this is basically what I'm aiming for."

way to go!

I loved this essay on transness, politics, theory, desire

https://lareviewofbooks.org/article/the-daddy-dialectic/

Sending good wishes to you, Phil!

"Without using the words 'masculine' or 'feminine,' explain what it means to be you as a woman."

So much of our gender identity is social, I suspect there's a strong desire to be more recognized in your core identity. It's hard to feel social when no one seems to recognize you.

“Lunch with the FT” profile of Jan Morris, age 91 and transitioned in the early 1970s.

(paywalled to FT subscribers)

hey Phil. I've been drafting then deleting posts on this thread for weeks, because I want to find out more about this directly from someone going through it. I'm embarrassed at how much I don't understand. my first question would have been exactly that 'what does it mean to you to be a woman' so the fact that's now being discussed has prompted me to post. (for me that's sort of the heart of what I want to understand about what it means to be trans) I'm typing on my phone now which seems to prevent me articulating myself properly but hope you don't mind if I ask a few questions later in the hope of educating myself? I respect if you feel it's not your job to educate me though!

Meant to post this yesterday - this has a link that should get around the paywall:

'Jan Morris’s transition was like Salman Rushdie’s fatwa: it magnified her fame' https://t.co/Y33GKgTCDz

— Financial Times (@FinancialTimes) March 24, 2018

xp I'm happy to answer whatever I can, even though I'm still finding this stuff out for myself. I like Aimless's comment above, as it gets more to how I feel than old tropes about "an X trapped in a Y's body." When perceived as a man I feel culturally expected, conditioned and sometimes pressured to behave in certain ways that don't feel like *me*; but when perceived as a woman my behavior, expectations about my public presence, and everything else feel both more correct and like a more appropriate feedback loop, if that makes sense?

Well, my second question was 'how important is it to you to feel you *are* a woman vs to feel perceived as a woman' - and how much of a difference even is there? - so hopefully we're talking from the same page - but if you don't mind, I'm gonna webmail you rather than fill this thread with my stream of thought. Hope all is good with you.

as it gets more to how I feel than old tropes about "an X trapped in a Y's body."

I prefer to say it feels like I was living someone else's life.

that's a great way to put it

Otm

And go Phil. It sickens me when people put their own values and reactions ahead of a person's simple request to be addressed and treated as a person of the gender they choose. I hate how hard it makes life for trans people, for no reason whatsoever - I mean, it's no trouble to address and deal with a chromosomally determined woman as a woman, so why would it be any more difficult to address and deal with a trans woman as a woman. It's not your business, just treat people as they wish to be treated, fuck.

kinder, I do have your email and want to respond to it but was recently out of commission with a ridiculous upper respiratory infection/bronchitis that kept me in bed for a week. Now that I'm up and about I can give it some time. :)

Last couple of sessions with my therapist went really well -- I was able to talk out an answer that I think made a lot of sense to me, and basically ended up close to what Extended Mix says above. When I look in the mirror, when I think about my body and my life, it isn't me, and I know it's not me. To get into some weird near-deterministic mind-body stuff, the body I have is not the one that my brain expects to have, and the life I've lived with it is not the one I would have otherwise wanted.

My wife and I have also been sort of timelining things out. I start laser hair removal next weekend, then I have an appointment with a doctor at the LGBT clinic at Cleveland's MetroHealth at the end of June where I hope to talk about starting HRT. I'm going to spend June and July coming out to people in my life -- my parents, close friends, work, etc. By mid-July I am going to file my name change and gender marker change paperwork, and start socially transitioning in August/September. That's our plan right now contingent on a bunch of variables. I can't find a copy of my birth certificate so I sent away to the county vital statistics department for a copy. Everything else will proceed from there and whether the doctor will start me on HRT, but I'm going to transition one way or the other.

<3 <3 <3

Phil <3

I also spent some time out as The Real Me on National Trans Day of Visibility and it was so great. And I came out to a cousin because I was just bursting to tell someone and I picked one of the few family members I know I can trust right now. I think I mentioned her upthread -- she's bi and genderqueer and has done a lot of work personally and professionally with the LGBT community. (She's the director of programs & partnerships for the National Coalition of STD Directors.)

This is all great news Phil <3

omg Phil <3

I gotta be careful though because the name I think I'm changing to is very, uh, meme-able.

Go Phil!! <3

why would it be any more difficult to address and deal with a trans woman as a woman.

imo, the difficulty isn't gender, it is sexuality. The existence of transgendered people muddies up the cultural signals that trigger sexual desire and this irrationally angers people, because sexuality is about as far from rationality as you can get.

It's not your business, just treat people as they wish to be treated, fuck.

This is rational. It is also the only ethically defensible position. It is an uphill battle to persuade irrationally angry people using rational and ethical arguments, but not an impossible one. I wish it were easier.

Aimless otm as usual

good luck phil! Hope you're feeling better. Sorry for my ramblings!

phil good work

yayayay!

soooooo I'm getting together with my closest friend on Wednesday and I'm going to come out to him. Aside from my wife, he will be the first important person in my life I am letting know. After that, my parents.

good luck phil - really appreciate your updates itt

good luck!

good luck! any idea how your parents will take the news?

No idea whatsoever. In the abstract I know my dad will be supportive because he's a pretty liberal guy, works on his county human rights commission, supports and works for LGBTQ rights, etc. But I know the abstract can differ a lot from the personal when you discover your son is now your daughter. I think my mom will take it pretty hard, though. At least for a while. I expect there to be a lot of tears.

I did get together with my friend Chris on Wednesday, and I came out to him. I don't know why I expected anything less -- probably because I'm a natural-born pessimist -- but he was cool, supportive, and encouraging. You don't just throw 30 years of friendship away over something like gender identity! The next morning he sent me this message on FB: Thanks for trusting me with your decision. I’m very proud to be your friend and I am glad you are taking steps to be who you are and not who you think everyone wants you to be. Stay strong and stay focused.

Tomorrow is my first appointment for laser hair removal, and my hair is getting long enough that I will feel more comfortable presenting as female with my own hair soon. Maybe another month or two. I also have all the paperwork I need to change my name, and talked to some other trans people who said it didn't take them more than 4-5 weeks to get it done in this county. So I'll probably file in mid to late June. And from that point on instead of being Phil D. I will be Liz D.!

that is amazing!

would you like us to call you Liz now?

I think I'm still comfortable with Phil for now, but thank you!

can't believe you didn't take past ILX posters' usernames into account when deciding the name that will represent you in the real world every minute of the rest of your life

congrats Phil! continue to post hair and l00ks updates if you feel comfortable doing so

Congrats and hella support on the half dozen major life-changing updates I'd previously failed to notice!

xp was there a Liz D. on ilx?!

She died in 7/7 London bombing

oh my god :( :( :( :( :(

I came out to both of my parents on Sunday. I don't want to write too much about it because I'm still kind of processing. They were both loving and supportive, emphasizing that their only desire is for me to be happy. And they also both said, essentially, that they have known or suspected this since I was at least 13. So there's that. Parents always know.

<3 <3 <3 <3 <3

Do you feel an initial great sense of relief? I know you mentioned worrying about how your mother would react more than once.

I honestly do. And my mother has offered to speak to some other family members for whom it might be difficult for me to approach. In fact, I asked her to talk to a couple of my aunts, because I have a cousin who is getting married in September -- one of the aunts is her mother, the other is kind of the family matriarch since my grandmother died -- shortly after I intend to start living full time, and I do not want to be a distraction at her wedding. If they all feel that I might be -- not because what I'm undergoing is bad, but because I have family members who are genuine fuckholes -- then I will RSVP "no" and just send a gift to the wedding.

My dad actually surprised me by telling me that his niece (via his second wife's family), who is 25 and pursuing a master's degree in computer science after getting a BS in oceanography, recently transitioned FTM and got top surgery. So I'm not even the first trans person who has come out to him in the family!

Après ça, le déluge, though. I'm currently working on an email to send to my company HR department, then I'm going to be talking to my boss sometime this week.

Phil, your posts here have been fascinating, inspirational and heartening. Thanks for taking us along with you on your journey.

go phil

congratulations and salutations. so far, this has been exciting to read. keep us posted as you're comfortable.

Phil very happy for you

only recently cottoned onto this thread. phil this is super super fantastic and i hope this goes as well and smoothly as it possibly can for you.

No idea whatsoever. In the abstract I know my dad will be supportive because he's a pretty liberal guy, works on his county human rights commission, supports and works for LGBTQ rights, etc. But I know the abstract can differ a lot from the personal when you discover your son is now your daughter.

a friend of mine has a son who transitioned a couple of years ago. he's hugely proud and supportive of his son (otherwise he wouldn't be my friend, let's be fucking honest), and as far as i know his daughter is also 100% in support. the positivity where it matters has made an enormous difference to this guy's experience. i can't even imagine how hard it would be to speak to your own family about something this personal and vital.

I came out to both of my parents on Sunday. I don't want to write too much about it because I'm still kind of processing. They were both loving and supportive, emphasizing that their only desire is for me to be happy.

utterly utterly brilliant.