fights with your boyfriend or girlfriend

i'm very sorry to hear that. i know first hand how badly disorders like that can intrude on a relationship, and you're very right--how the time spent addressing everything but "the thing" can be so detrimental.

I've never really had even loud arguments (I'm a de-escalator, there's very little I think is worth raising my voice for) but the toughest issues I've experienced involved an eating disorder, even moreso than alcohol abuse.

sorry to hear that too MatthewK

my parents never argue and hers barely stop so there's been quite a lot of work in establishing expectations, working out what's normal and so on, and through that I think we've become really good at talking (although we were always p good really), and, to my joy, also good at sometimes not talking

In my last relationship I eventually found it helpful to leave and go for a walk if there was a dispute, making it clear to my partner we both needed time and space. Often this de escalated arguments

the best relationship I ever had ended because I'd get upset with her and would be too chicken-shit to speak up for fear of upsetting the apple cart which actually made her feel like we were too distant.

think I liveblogged the breakup as a sock on this board tbh lol

the other reason I think I was afraid of fights is that I have anger management issues and although I rarely yell or raise my voice at people, I have lots of unprocessed rage that sometimes comes out of nowhere and freaks me out and makes me feel ugly inside. would never put my hands on anybody but merely terrorizing people with the volume of your voice is bad enough IMO

if me and my boyfriend split up it will be because of a fight in the supermarket that we have at least once a month:

me: "so what do you want for dinner tonight?"
him: "I don't know"
me: "ok well do you want pasta?"
him: "no I had pasta at lunch"
me: "what about stir-fry then?"
him: "no I don't think I'm in the mood"
me: "what about pizza?"
him: "no we eat too much pizza"
me: "I could get eggs and make an omelette"
him: "no that's not really a proper dinner"
me: "how about a ready meal then?"
him "they're not very healthy are they"
me: "OMG FFS CAN YOU JUST PICK SOMETHING I DONT WANT TO BE HERE FOR AN HOUR"
him: "why are you snapping, calm down"

I mean in the grand scheme of things that dl and MatthewK are going through, it is nothing and I really hope you guys are holding up OK, but at the same time I can feel my eyes rolling as a I recall all these fights in branches of Asda

why

why dont you pick dinner

nb ive been both sides in that argument many times

where you're going wrong is that stir fry is always the right answer

bit if a cheat tho seeing as it can be all of the above

boxedjoy you do eat a lot of pizza though

Buy a fucking BBQ chicken, some tortillas and salad ingredients, is ALWAYS the answer.

the dinner rule is that if you pass on a proposed meal, you must make your own proposal

Pizza is always the answer. Just put more tomatoes on it and fold it in half for health and variety.

If you fight often enough (like 30-50 times per day) it can just become sort of a fun alternative mode of communication. :)

pipe down

Clean the kitchen

51

this is making me uncomfortable

I left a 20 year marriage last year, many factors but I will say that an eating disorder is INCREDIBLY corrosive to even the most loving bond. Now that I’m out I can’t believe the level of repression and reframing of arguments which were necessary to never address “the thing” properly. Not much for anyone else to learn there except if you are having intractable arguments about things that most couples solve, I highly recommend seeing a good therapist who can show you if you are in an emotionally distorted situation. Still love my wife but I can never go back to that.

― startled macropod (MatthewK), Monday, March 12, 2018 4:38 PM (yesterday) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

This is really tough, I'm sorry to hear. Any sort of mental health-related issue is very difficult because on one hand you want to care for the other person as they have an illness, and on the other hand, unlike a physical illness, the illness interferes in the very way they relate to you and affects their behavior toward you and the bond between you. And the denial is really painful.

xpost was wondering when mordy was going to be uncomfortable with all this unsavoury "gossip".

fighting with others ppls wives

Any sort of mental health-related issue is very difficult because on one hand you want to care for the other person as they have an illness, and on the other hand, unlike a physical illness, the illness interferes in the very way they relate to you and affects their behavior toward you and the bond between you. And the denial is really painful.

― Fedora Dostoyevsky (man alive), Tuesday, March 13, 2018 9:04 AM (thirty-nine minutes ago)

otm and painfully relevant

When I was younger, I dated a person with Munchausen, which was really fucking awful, there really is no way to communicate with somebody who fakes a panic attack/seizure every time they're not getting their way.

My long-term relationship (now over) was defined by many colourful fights, which were usually more sporting than not, and happened sometimes at parties and in public, to the great amusement of our social circle, to the point that when our relationship started falling apart, our friends couldn't really understand why their favourite sports teams actually.. didn't like each other, and the constant public snark wasn't a game?

Our most dramatic fight happened after we'd broken up, when he was angry and started stomping around the house talking about all sorts of plans he had to steal money from me, lie about me, besmirch my reputation, and I was late to meet a client and I started to feel violent urges, and I lost control and saw red, picked up a plastic snow shovel, and beat myself in the face until I passed out. He apologized and we resolved things. I'm somewhat pleased that any uncontrollable violent impulse I experience (only under extreme duress) manifests itself in self-harm rather than an outward-lashing-out.

My biggest piece of advice I have for fighting couples is to "decide if you're together, or if you're not". Once you start to fight, then you should decide if you're in it to win it, or if the relationship is over. It's commitment-time, imo. Because honestly, fights are made 1000% worse by the "possibility of a breakup". Commit to be with your partner, and that you won't break up because of a fight about dishes or taxi fare, and suddenly the weight of these squabbles dissipates and the fights are rendered toothless.

Oh, and in latter-day relationships, when there is fighting, I found a lot of benefit was had to set aside, like, "a half-hour a day" for serious discussion. The rest of the day had to be sweet and nice, nothing serious. That half-hour over lunch was open season, you can't walk away, you can't say "I can't talk about this right now", it's Gladiator O'Clock

Well I am no innocent saint in the process - it took falling for someone else to realise that I could still actually feel happy and cared for - but the grind of a marriage with an eating disorder is ALWAYS knowing, when push comes to shove, that you are number 2 on the commitment list no matter how much your partner may love you. That’s the corrosive thing. Might sound selfish, and for many many years I told myself it *was* selfish to resent that, but it steadily builds. Anyone who’s been there will know.

In my last relationship I eventually found it helpful to leave and go for a walk if there was a dispute, making it clear to my partner we both needed time and space. Often this de escalated arguments

Seconding this; the idea of saying "let's hit pause on this argument and go into separate rooms for a half hour, read a book, have a snack, whatever" sounds incredibly stupid but in my experience is astonishingly effective

if me and my boyfriend split up it will be because of a fight in the supermarket that we have at least once a month

I will also say as a long-time married that the answer to this is you just pick one person whose job it is to go to the store (in my marriage it's me) and the other person, if there's something they want to eat, they can put it on the shopping list, and if not, i'm deciding what to make for dinner. i don't think my wife and i have been together at a grocery store this decade.

finally reached the point where I'm now ruminating on the one particular bad experience and want to type things like "that would work.. if it wasn't a fucking ploy!!" so I'll be leaving the thread for a bit

if me and my boyfriend split up it will be because of a fight in the supermarket that we have at least once a month:

me: "so what do you want for dinner tonight?"
him: "I don't know"
me: "ok well do you want pasta?"
him: "no I had pasta at lunch"
me: "what about stir-fry then?"
him: "no I don't think I'm in the mood"
me: "what about pizza?"
him: "no we eat too much pizza"
me: "I could get eggs and make an omelette"
him: "no that's not really a proper dinner"
me: "how about a ready meal then?"
him "they're not very healthy are they"
me: "OMG FFS CAN YOU JUST PICK SOMETHING I DONT WANT TO BE HERE FOR AN HOUR"
him: "why are you snapping, calm down"

I mean in the grand scheme of things that dl and MatthewK are going through, it is nothing and I really hope you guys are holding up OK, but at the same time I can feel my eyes rolling as a I recall all these fights in branches of Asda

― boxedjoy, Tuesday, March 13, 2018 9:24 AM (six hours ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

i can't relate to this enough....

Makes me glad that we're never in the store for that night's dinner. My partner is into Depression era-style stocking up on staples, so it's just a matter of figuring out which odds & ends we're going to add spices to, put into a bowl, and call a meal. It's really more appetizing than that sounds.

(this thread has also made me think a lot about how our arguing has evolved over the last 9 or so years, I've typed out and deleted a few responses...generally it's gotten more frequent, but also lower intensity and more efficient, which I think is healthy)

it's so true it's almost a cliche, isn't it? but it's a real life argument that happens so often. if i could list the top three subjects of 'arguments about nothing' i've had most frequently in previous relationships, they would be:

1. what's for tea
2. how to do the washing up correctly
3. who's taking up the most bed-space / hogging the sheets the most

strangely in this relationship we didn't really argue so much about those things, but then we didn't live together so we'd have had that to look forward to..

re:meal decisions, resist all temptation to buy the terrible What's for Fucking Dinner (not sure if that's the title) cookbook to solve this fight.

but buy Night+Market and make everything

1. what's for tea

Forgive my cultural ignorance, but isn't it usually...tea?

2. how to do the washing up correctly

Most successful couples I know have one member that is the dedicated dish-washer.

3. who's taking up the most bed-space / hogging the sheets the most

Solved by each having your own sheets/blankets. Maybe that's unromantic but also the best relationship decision we ever made.

I wouldn't be cohabiting w/ my partner right now if we didn't have entirely separate bedrooms

I've gotten a lot better at not popping off at the mouth when I feel provoked, but the worst is when I'm trying really hard to keep my mouth shut but can't keep myself from appearing visibly annoyed or stressed, and then that suddenly becomes the reason to prolong the argument

Btw I feel for you Surm. :/ The worst part of arguing is the time between the actual argument and when people have cooled down enough to accept an apology.

xp yes omg

Jordan YES! luckily i woke up today feeling so much better and it really got me thinking about how much more careful i want to be about jumping the gun when it comes to disagreements. i've become much more straightforward with friends when i'm not feeling right, and i think it's rly important to remember that with the person who you're most comfortable with. sometimes it's so comfortable that that person becomes a punching bag in my experience.

trying rly hard to keep yr mouth shut is not a good feature in an argument imo

(im aware this is not ilx orthodoxy re men obv)

I have resigned myself to the fact that standing up for myself is not a productive way to handle things in the heat of an argument. If something is really bothering me I can bring it up later in a neutral setting when I have a clear head and we are not at each other's necks.

EASIER SAID THAN DONE THO!

preachhhh

it all depends on the person but when i get too self-righteous things can get ugly fast

I think there are ways of "standing up for yourself" without trying to win or getting over-defensive. IME it's the latter behaviors that cause problems in fights, not standing your ground.

Well I am no innocent saint in the process - it took falling for someone else to realise that I could still actually feel happy and cared for - but the grind of a marriage with an eating disorder is ALWAYS knowing, when push comes to shove, that you are number 2 on the commitment list no matter how much your partner may love you. That’s the corrosive thing. Might sound selfish, and for many many years I told myself it *was* selfish to resent that, but it steadily builds. Anyone who’s been there will know.

― startled macropod (MatthewK), Tuesday, March 13, 2018 10:46 AM (one hour ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

This makes perfect sense to me. I mean even a complete narcissist deserves compassion and is often very sad inside, but that doesn't trump your own right to want to be with someone capable of truly caring about you. And I'm guessing for a while your "I am no innocent saint in the process" was part of your rationalization. Yet none of us are innocent saints, and that, too, does not negate our desire to be cared about.

I was a lot angstier in my 20s when trying to sort out who or what I wanted. You shouldn't ever want to cause your partner intentional harm. Sometimes when either one of us does or says something bad (or have taken it badly because we were unthinking or didn't communicate well) we automatically, without question, apologize (not because someone lost but because the other person is sad) and hug each other. Our long term relationship and how I feel about him has nothing to do with small differences of opinions. I don't think we have really fought in like years and years but we definitely have learned how to communicate with each other and where each other's weaknesses are and how to make things better when one of us is having issues unrelated to the other person. Also, we gave up on coming to an agreement all the time about food. If someone buys food or prepares it the other person can eat it or fend for themselves. Usually people eat food that just magically appears in front of them.

I wouldn't be cohabiting w/ my partner right now if we didn't have entirely separate bedrooms

― valorous wokelord (silby), Tuesday, March 13, 2018 4:24 PM (fifty-seven minutes ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

You're living the dream! My bf is into the boa constrictor school of showing affection.

This is why CA King size beds are worth it.

xp tbrr I’m more towards your bf’s end of the spectrum by nature but otoh I reportedly thrash a lot in my sleep and occasionally yell.

omg don't get me started on mattresses! it took us 1.5 years to pick one out....