fights with your boyfriend or girlfriend

dog latin sorry to hear

is it even right to break up with someone you actually get on well with generally because you find the arguments overbearing?

It doesn't sound as if the fights were improving anything or getting much of anything sorted out or solved. In which case, you may be overestimating your compatibility. A continuing toll on your well-being is a high price to pay.

is it even right to break up with someone you actually get on well with generally because you find the arguments overbearing?

This is a question I've gotten a lot (as the ever-singleton I am generally the one to hear about people's relationship woes) and I agree with dmac - maybe counselling would be something to consider if you both want to give it another try down the line?

dog latin, i feel for you--hang in there and glad maybe you can post on this thread if that helps.

relationships are seriously never clean cut. always so many questions. and a mix of emotions.

one might argue that, if you dislike arguments, constantly arguing is perhaps an indicator that you don't get on well

sorry to hear that, dl

Either way, try not to beat yourself up too much over the decision. (Aimless also otm) xxp

xp oh don't get me wrong, I don't like arguments but I'm far from the most chilled and placid person.

same. which is what ends up being my downfall -- the argument turns into an internal argument with myself about what i should/shouldn't be saying.

i think an important thing is whether or not they get less frequent/intense with time, as man alive was saying. if it's every week, that's p damn draining.

i really hate fights in a relationship and how often they just seem to be outlets for general resentment and hostility that remains under the surface the rest of the time. i respond really badly to someone raising their voice to me, or chiding me, or just in general being unpleasant, which leads me to just storm off or whatever when a fight happens, which sadly doesn't do anything to diffuse things and might even exacerbate shit.

i am suddenly glad to be single and in a casual dating situation which i assume is immune to the kind of arguments that long-term, cohabiting romantic partners encounter.

Well arguably (lol) they did like they were chilling a little bit. we had one bad one about a month ago and agreed that first off we weren't against each other, and second off we acknowledged how important it is to pick your battles. Still ended up arguing again though.
I guess a big part of it was resentment on my part at the amount of time this would the up. the actual arguments would last maybe an hour, but the contemplation, the soul searching, the misplaced sense of guilt, could take days to dissipate.

you had time for them to dissipate before the next argument? sounds nice

i really hate fights in a relationship and how often they just seem to be outlets for general resentment and hostility that remains under the surface the rest of the time

healthy imo!

if you have resentment or hostility you can talk about them without fighting

I have been in the same relationship for 26 years now. It was pretty chill for the first 10 but after we had a kid with autism and just before the period she had a misdiagnosis of bell's palsy (which turned out to be MS) we hit some very choppy waters. I copped a glancing blow from a flying glass ash tray once, it was no biggie and an isolated incident under much ill health related stress, exasperated by other fucking dastardly things including my love for swilling in pubs after work. It wasn't quite as extreme as the friend of mine who has a big scar on his forehead from the time he passed out in the kitchen in a pissed up state and his partner smashed him across the head with a George Foreman Fryer!

<3

damnnn. i'm sorry to hear about all of that difficulty with your daughter--can't imagine how that affects a couple. i've been with my dude for about 14 years now--health issues and drinking are definitely consistent factors in how this type of thing plays out.
after so much time together, how do you find the "making up" part changes? no need for as many grand gestures, or is it always good to gesture grandly?

oh no my bad sentences again. I meant my partner as she.

ohhh my goodness! i'm so sorry i misunderstood. <3

After a shouting row it's all swiftly forgotten these days, and they do happen at times. There is a pragmatism we have now that isn't very romantic i suppose, but it seems easier to press the reset switch these days. Even if hurtful things have been said in the heat of a row.

that is actually helpful to hear. thank u.

surm, you don't have to apologise for my shoddy sentences and grammar, mate!

'Fighting' is not good, if it's per se, but boy... I escaped a relationship partly due to fighting 7, 8 years ago (it turned physical, too, which was a deal-breaker for me). The complete absence of fighting in my new relation though is getting on my nerves. Big time. It's not healthy either.

A previous partner, dealing with stresses as she could, and I ended up living in demi-constant drama. It was like nothing else I'd ever been through, ruined my sleep patterns thoroughly and more besides. Now that I'm almost five and a half years away from that, I look back on it as scar tissue.

yes it's horrible that feeling. I think a lot of people look for drama where there is none. maybe it's a coping mechanism

sometimes people expect life to be a certain level of problematic, and whatever small difficulties they have will expand to fill the gap

I left a 20 year marriage last year, many factors but I will say that an eating disorder is INCREDIBLY corrosive to even the most loving bond. Now that I’m out I can’t believe the level of repression and reframing of arguments which were necessary to never address “the thing” properly. Not much for anyone else to learn there except if you are having intractable arguments about things that most couples solve, I highly recommend seeing a good therapist who can show you if you are in an emotionally distorted situation. Still love my wife but I can never go back to that.

i'm very sorry to hear that. i know first hand how badly disorders like that can intrude on a relationship, and you're very right--how the time spent addressing everything but "the thing" can be so detrimental.

I've never really had even loud arguments (I'm a de-escalator, there's very little I think is worth raising my voice for) but the toughest issues I've experienced involved an eating disorder, even moreso than alcohol abuse.

sorry to hear that too MatthewK

my parents never argue and hers barely stop so there's been quite a lot of work in establishing expectations, working out what's normal and so on, and through that I think we've become really good at talking (although we were always p good really), and, to my joy, also good at sometimes not talking

In my last relationship I eventually found it helpful to leave and go for a walk if there was a dispute, making it clear to my partner we both needed time and space. Often this de escalated arguments

the best relationship I ever had ended because I'd get upset with her and would be too chicken-shit to speak up for fear of upsetting the apple cart which actually made her feel like we were too distant.

think I liveblogged the breakup as a sock on this board tbh lol

the other reason I think I was afraid of fights is that I have anger management issues and although I rarely yell or raise my voice at people, I have lots of unprocessed rage that sometimes comes out of nowhere and freaks me out and makes me feel ugly inside. would never put my hands on anybody but merely terrorizing people with the volume of your voice is bad enough IMO

if me and my boyfriend split up it will be because of a fight in the supermarket that we have at least once a month:

me: "so what do you want for dinner tonight?"
him: "I don't know"
me: "ok well do you want pasta?"
him: "no I had pasta at lunch"
me: "what about stir-fry then?"
him: "no I don't think I'm in the mood"
me: "what about pizza?"
him: "no we eat too much pizza"
me: "I could get eggs and make an omelette"
him: "no that's not really a proper dinner"
me: "how about a ready meal then?"
him "they're not very healthy are they"
me: "OMG FFS CAN YOU JUST PICK SOMETHING I DONT WANT TO BE HERE FOR AN HOUR"
him: "why are you snapping, calm down"

I mean in the grand scheme of things that dl and MatthewK are going through, it is nothing and I really hope you guys are holding up OK, but at the same time I can feel my eyes rolling as a I recall all these fights in branches of Asda

why

why dont you pick dinner

nb ive been both sides in that argument many times

where you're going wrong is that stir fry is always the right answer

bit if a cheat tho seeing as it can be all of the above

boxedjoy you do eat a lot of pizza though

Buy a fucking BBQ chicken, some tortillas and salad ingredients, is ALWAYS the answer.

the dinner rule is that if you pass on a proposed meal, you must make your own proposal

Pizza is always the answer. Just put more tomatoes on it and fold it in half for health and variety.

If you fight often enough (like 30-50 times per day) it can just become sort of a fun alternative mode of communication. :)

pipe down

Clean the kitchen

51

this is making me uncomfortable

I left a 20 year marriage last year, many factors but I will say that an eating disorder is INCREDIBLY corrosive to even the most loving bond. Now that I’m out I can’t believe the level of repression and reframing of arguments which were necessary to never address “the thing” properly. Not much for anyone else to learn there except if you are having intractable arguments about things that most couples solve, I highly recommend seeing a good therapist who can show you if you are in an emotionally distorted situation. Still love my wife but I can never go back to that.

― startled macropod (MatthewK), Monday, March 12, 2018 4:38 PM (yesterday) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

This is really tough, I'm sorry to hear. Any sort of mental health-related issue is very difficult because on one hand you want to care for the other person as they have an illness, and on the other hand, unlike a physical illness, the illness interferes in the very way they relate to you and affects their behavior toward you and the bond between you. And the denial is really painful.

xpost was wondering when mordy was going to be uncomfortable with all this unsavoury "gossip".

fighting with others ppls wives

Any sort of mental health-related issue is very difficult because on one hand you want to care for the other person as they have an illness, and on the other hand, unlike a physical illness, the illness interferes in the very way they relate to you and affects their behavior toward you and the bond between you. And the denial is really painful.

― Fedora Dostoyevsky (man alive), Tuesday, March 13, 2018 9:04 AM (thirty-nine minutes ago)

otm and painfully relevant

When I was younger, I dated a person with Munchausen, which was really fucking awful, there really is no way to communicate with somebody who fakes a panic attack/seizure every time they're not getting their way.

My long-term relationship (now over) was defined by many colourful fights, which were usually more sporting than not, and happened sometimes at parties and in public, to the great amusement of our social circle, to the point that when our relationship started falling apart, our friends couldn't really understand why their favourite sports teams actually.. didn't like each other, and the constant public snark wasn't a game?

Our most dramatic fight happened after we'd broken up, when he was angry and started stomping around the house talking about all sorts of plans he had to steal money from me, lie about me, besmirch my reputation, and I was late to meet a client and I started to feel violent urges, and I lost control and saw red, picked up a plastic snow shovel, and beat myself in the face until I passed out. He apologized and we resolved things. I'm somewhat pleased that any uncontrollable violent impulse I experience (only under extreme duress) manifests itself in self-harm rather than an outward-lashing-out.

My biggest piece of advice I have for fighting couples is to "decide if you're together, or if you're not". Once you start to fight, then you should decide if you're in it to win it, or if the relationship is over. It's commitment-time, imo. Because honestly, fights are made 1000% worse by the "possibility of a breakup". Commit to be with your partner, and that you won't break up because of a fight about dishes or taxi fare, and suddenly the weight of these squabbles dissipates and the fights are rendered toothless.

Oh, and in latter-day relationships, when there is fighting, I found a lot of benefit was had to set aside, like, "a half-hour a day" for serious discussion. The rest of the day had to be sweet and nice, nothing serious. That half-hour over lunch was open season, you can't walk away, you can't say "I can't talk about this right now", it's Gladiator O'Clock