fights with your boyfriend or girlfriend

I feel really bad for laughing at that train of thought Simon, but I hope you really did conclude your inner monologue with "son"

maybe that was my problem with a specific relationship, I just didn't understand that theatrics were supposed to be "hot"

the only screamer weve ever had was over vacuuming while snoozing nothing else has ever mattered that much

hahaha yeah mine tend to be a bout STUPID SHIT. like this last one was about dining out. how....dumb. but yes, the injured silence bit hits home cuz i'd rather be trivial and get it out than live a quiet life of misery ffs.

glad i'm not alone here...

My parents have what looks to me like a preternaturally secure relationship and I also grew up with them raising their voices/getting testy at each other not infrequently, which I wouldn’t say I think I should emulate but it does take some of the sting out of a fight to have that in my background.

i would have thought that knife thing was so hot and exciting when I was that age

yeah no it was the product of a LOT of issues both within and the beyond the relationship that were going on at the time, I assure you it was not even a little bit hot

Gah damn. Violence or intimations thereof would be an absolute instantaneous dealbreaker for me. Glad as hell I've never had to deal with that, sympathies to anyone who has.

vacuuming while snoozing is very serious and a violation of respect imo

I envy silby a bit, my upbringing made me think that arguments that were even a little heated meant there were serious issues at play or acting out emotionally was a deep personal failing

tbh in retrospect this may have been a lot of projection on my part

physical fights are never a good thing

i can deal with some light verbal arguments and it depends on whether or not i can let them go

if i can't i move on

i have been with too many women who like to argue, have massive fights, can't really accept things for what they are, yet still want to date. this is like the dumbest thing a person can ever do yet i see people in this type of relationship all the time

i literally just gtfo in a snap

Yeah don’t stay with anyone capable of even threatening violence is a good rule imo xp

btw "passionate make-up sex" is something i have never known, it is likely to be bullshit

i need to learn how to gtfo of an argument in a snap when i KNOW it is just going nowhere fast and looping. at least be like "ok this is clearly spiraling, let's hit pause"

seems so easy? ...

it takes two to argue

the dumbest dynamic I ever experienced was an ex who would storm off and shut the bedroom door, and would insist it was so she'd have some space to think and cool off. but if I didn't try to talk to her through the door, she'd get angrier!

I was willing to give it a try, like sure, you go cool off and I'll go for a walk and we'll speak about it when I get back. But no, I said I was going for a walk and hadn't even made it out of the building before I got an angry phone call

some people are impossible, don't date those people if you can help it

i don't do drama

i don't do boyfriends, either, which makes it easy

hey surm i didnt say stupid shit i said vacuuming while napping ie very serious fuckin shit

xp mh my man

some people are impossible, don't date those people if you can help it

(some of you sound like my parents, may they rest in quiet)

I've taken Simon's advice there a little too literally and tbh going it solo has its ups and downs too

or maybe, one might say, no up/down action

tbh going it solo has its ups and downs too

having done it for over a decade, this is def true, but it still feels preferable to the alternative

anyway that's enough on that subject from me, this isn't the volcel thread

Simon, my man

tbh we could make a great thread of "arguments you had because you didn't want to say a specific thing or were withholding information"

there are some really funny dumb arguments when you just don't want to admit something

Hello this most pertinent of threads. I broke up with my partner of almost a year just the other day and it was because of fighting. On the whole we got on great but we would also fight, usually about once a week. it didn't help that we work in the same office so there would be that resentful period of silence, except right there in front of each other. the fights were fairly frequent, as I say, and often about the same thing (certain trust issues on her part leading to insecurity, which in turn made me feel distrusted and insecure).
slowly but surely an alarm began to ring in my head and it slowly dawned on me that this was taking its toll on my wellbeing. I was spending half the week in relative happiness and the other half stressed out and contemplative.
It's been a really hard few days. I keep questioning whether we could have made it work, sorted out our differences? was it asking too much not to argue as much? would it have been possible to see each others POV if we'd stayed together or would sensitivity have stopped us being able to get our points across? is it even right to break up with someone you actually get on well with generally because you find the arguments overbearing?
anyway, I'm sad and regretful about it and I know she is too. strange that this thread popped up today.

only thing id note is that all other long-term (i wont say successful tbh) couples i know fight very differently to any other so it would seem theres little use in doing what anyone else says

xp sorry to hear that dl

dog latin sorry to hear

is it even right to break up with someone you actually get on well with generally because you find the arguments overbearing?

It doesn't sound as if the fights were improving anything or getting much of anything sorted out or solved. In which case, you may be overestimating your compatibility. A continuing toll on your well-being is a high price to pay.

is it even right to break up with someone you actually get on well with generally because you find the arguments overbearing?

This is a question I've gotten a lot (as the ever-singleton I am generally the one to hear about people's relationship woes) and I agree with dmac - maybe counselling would be something to consider if you both want to give it another try down the line?

dog latin, i feel for you--hang in there and glad maybe you can post on this thread if that helps.

relationships are seriously never clean cut. always so many questions. and a mix of emotions.

one might argue that, if you dislike arguments, constantly arguing is perhaps an indicator that you don't get on well

sorry to hear that, dl

Either way, try not to beat yourself up too much over the decision. (Aimless also otm) xxp

xp oh don't get me wrong, I don't like arguments but I'm far from the most chilled and placid person.

same. which is what ends up being my downfall -- the argument turns into an internal argument with myself about what i should/shouldn't be saying.

i think an important thing is whether or not they get less frequent/intense with time, as man alive was saying. if it's every week, that's p damn draining.

i really hate fights in a relationship and how often they just seem to be outlets for general resentment and hostility that remains under the surface the rest of the time. i respond really badly to someone raising their voice to me, or chiding me, or just in general being unpleasant, which leads me to just storm off or whatever when a fight happens, which sadly doesn't do anything to diffuse things and might even exacerbate shit.

i am suddenly glad to be single and in a casual dating situation which i assume is immune to the kind of arguments that long-term, cohabiting romantic partners encounter.

Well arguably (lol) they did like they were chilling a little bit. we had one bad one about a month ago and agreed that first off we weren't against each other, and second off we acknowledged how important it is to pick your battles. Still ended up arguing again though.
I guess a big part of it was resentment on my part at the amount of time this would the up. the actual arguments would last maybe an hour, but the contemplation, the soul searching, the misplaced sense of guilt, could take days to dissipate.

you had time for them to dissipate before the next argument? sounds nice

i really hate fights in a relationship and how often they just seem to be outlets for general resentment and hostility that remains under the surface the rest of the time

healthy imo!

if you have resentment or hostility you can talk about them without fighting

I have been in the same relationship for 26 years now. It was pretty chill for the first 10 but after we had a kid with autism and just before the period she had a misdiagnosis of bell's palsy (which turned out to be MS) we hit some very choppy waters. I copped a glancing blow from a flying glass ash tray once, it was no biggie and an isolated incident under much ill health related stress, exasperated by other fucking dastardly things including my love for swilling in pubs after work. It wasn't quite as extreme as the friend of mine who has a big scar on his forehead from the time he passed out in the kitchen in a pissed up state and his partner smashed him across the head with a George Foreman Fryer!

<3

damnnn. i'm sorry to hear about all of that difficulty with your daughter--can't imagine how that affects a couple. i've been with my dude for about 14 years now--health issues and drinking are definitely consistent factors in how this type of thing plays out.
after so much time together, how do you find the "making up" part changes? no need for as many grand gestures, or is it always good to gesture grandly?

oh no my bad sentences again. I meant my partner as she.

ohhh my goodness! i'm so sorry i misunderstood. <3

After a shouting row it's all swiftly forgotten these days, and they do happen at times. There is a pragmatism we have now that isn't very romantic i suppose, but it seems easier to press the reset switch these days. Even if hurtful things have been said in the heat of a row.

that is actually helpful to hear. thank u.

surm, you don't have to apologise for my shoddy sentences and grammar, mate!

'Fighting' is not good, if it's per se, but boy... I escaped a relationship partly due to fighting 7, 8 years ago (it turned physical, too, which was a deal-breaker for me). The complete absence of fighting in my new relation though is getting on my nerves. Big time. It's not healthy either.

A previous partner, dealing with stresses as she could, and I ended up living in demi-constant drama. It was like nothing else I'd ever been through, ruined my sleep patterns thoroughly and more besides. Now that I'm almost five and a half years away from that, I look back on it as scar tissue.

yes it's horrible that feeling. I think a lot of people look for drama where there is none. maybe it's a coping mechanism

sometimes people expect life to be a certain level of problematic, and whatever small difficulties they have will expand to fill the gap

I left a 20 year marriage last year, many factors but I will say that an eating disorder is INCREDIBLY corrosive to even the most loving bond. Now that I’m out I can’t believe the level of repression and reframing of arguments which were necessary to never address “the thing” properly. Not much for anyone else to learn there except if you are having intractable arguments about things that most couples solve, I highly recommend seeing a good therapist who can show you if you are in an emotionally distorted situation. Still love my wife but I can never go back to that.

tbf our other huge fight involved whether major league baseball players should be expected to know how to bunt

I am not even touching that consent comparison.

mookie, is she a chef? I feel like maybe I met her a long time ago?

For me its not the food itself, its the "prepare and clean up" (to quote Kristin Hersh). Having one kid with coeliac and a refusal to eat most things, both kids vegetarian, mr adult-kid hating his damn vegetables, and no one seeming able to wipe a bench or a dish, I tear my hair out lol.

it's pretty important that i date a woman who has similar taste in food tbh

i don't want to come to my house smelling like something that i consider awful

actually a long term relationship

dating i guess it doesn't rly matter

i hate cleaning up the kitchen, not gonna lie.

Y you may have met her, idk! (she was pretty great apart from these aforementioned issues, btw.) she is not a chef, but i think she might now do web stuff for m0m0fuku, so

My partner was vegan for over 10 years (he eats some seafood now - no shellfish)). I will eat anything, everything but that also means I am extremely flexible with being veg. But he is also flexible with me eating bone marrow, offal or game meat when we go out. The cleaning is probably more upsetting if I felt like he wasn't equal in it or bartering in that regard. I really love clean floors so I am more than happy to take care of that.

divine mrs m also has the ~it must be special~ thing re food, at home its ok cos we can both cook p well but when we're out for *non foody* reasons its pretty aggravatory behaviour not to just satisfice imo

I don't think it's surprising. Food is something you put in your body. Some might deem it a question of consent.

― Moo Vaughn, Wednesday, 14 March 2018 22:51 (thirty-two minutes ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

you should be taken out the back and beaten

I have to say that eating cheese and drinking wine for dinner in a hotel room while on vacation ( F has hummus) is what I try to do at least a couple of nights. But I also really like to go to grocery stores in other countries.

Is that a personal threat or just a colloquial expression of toxic masculinity?

its a casual musing, delivered as airily as tbe original comment nbd

an idiomatic way of saying "fuck off mate"

hey try having arguments about food / eating out with a partner who has strict, ironclad rules about these things but will not discuss those rules and refuses to acknowledge they exist
apologies for venting, this thread is touching on a lot of hot topics for me

my wife got really mad at me this morning cuz i got transmission fluid on my jacket while working on the car and it is apparently a symptom of how i don't care about things and don't take care of them.

but boy you gotta do you!

hey dog latin sorry to hear about your breakup.

Can we talk about the most petty things we've fought with our partners about? yesterday it was about logic in website search filters.

had a huge fight - well more just me being harangued - with my ex because i laughed at a guy getting busted after he drove by a cop car while texting on his mobile phone

like for not hating the police sufficiently - and i do hate the police, i also hate distracted driving tho

understandably
i have to watch myself as a pedestrian with the damn phone it's awful and v dangerous

i rly think i came out of a lesson from this last fight, i have to be honest. i know "perfect from now on" isn't a thing (holla built to spill) but i learned that i have a way of going from really high to really low in a split second, and my sanity depends on recognizing those moments, and stepping the fuck back.

hi! so i made it until last Friday. April 27th. that's more than SIX WEEKS. no fighting! until Friday :( ugh that sucked. I got annoyed with the boo about something he said, but anger got the best of me and it quickly became:
(1) i said the wrong things
(2) i'm making my boyfriend feel like shit
(3) i'm a terrible person

which resulted in a me spiral and us having to talk about everything which was really annoying. i feel like i could have gotten in and out with an easy "hey, what you said kind of bothers me" instead of unleashing all that. we were able to resolve it and the night ended with a candid and chill conversation. didn't go to bed angry, woke up fine. it wasn't the worst, but it threw me for the weekend. i think both of us were exhausted from a long week. now trying to think about how i express my anger in the future. and that's my story.

6 weeks is great going surm. I wouldn't beat yourself over the odd argument. but it is worth trying to pre-empt arguments, pick your battles and work out how to address problems sensibly before things blow out of proportion. also worth trying to work out whether little bickerings are symptomatic of a bigger issue which isn't getting addressed.

<3 thank you for that