Trans/Genderqueer/Agender/Questioning Thread

Thanks, everyone. I also had "the talk" with my wife this weekend, asking her outright what would happen to our relationship if I decide for certain to transition. She said she definitely doesn't think it would be the end of our marriage or relationship, but it would change the character of it for sure. That's about as positive an answer as I can hope for right now and we will just take it as it comes.

Of course, if/when I need some gender-conforming procedures that aren't covered by insurance and decide to crowdfund them, I'll be posting here! (It appears that Cigna covers HRT and SRS, but not facial feminization or hair removal.)

Wishing you nothing but the best, phil. I can’t imagine how stressful and difficult this process is for you <3

So it's been an interesting couple of weeks, not least of which because I've been sick as hell with some kind of chest cold that just won't go away. :\ But anyway I talked a lot more with my wife about the possibility of transitioning. There's still a lot to work out there, but I think we've both accepted that that's what I'm working towards. But there's still a lot of therapy and other work to be done.

My last session with my therapist was interesting. He's really helping me sort through a lot of questions, confusion and ideas about why I feel like I'm not nonbinary or gender ambiguous, why I feel strongly that I'm trans. He asked me a great question that he said often comes up when he arranges for his trans patients to start meeting with endocrinologists and other MDs as they start transitioning: "Without using the words 'masculine' or 'feminine,' explain what it means to be you as a woman." That's a really, really hard thing and I've been dwelling a lot on it for our next session. I know that the answer doesn't lie in clothing or hair or makeup or other cultural signifiers like that - in fact it doesn't lie in anything outward-facing, including genitals. But I use those things as a way of signaling to myself and the world what I feel like inside, which is hard to put into words. "What it means to be me as a woman" has to do with how the world perceives and reacts to me, and how I relate to the world, but every time I try to describe it I start to use "masculine" and "feminine" or their equivalents. It's almost archetypal - I present to the world as "male," but I don't feel like the world has ever perceived me as "a man" (as opposed to "a boy") and I don't know that I've apprehended the world in the way that "men" are expected to. Very frustrating -- it feels like trying to pass the SATs or something, to come up with an answer here. And if I don't have a good one, does that mean doctors won't help me transition?

I feel like in my head I'm sort of timelining this out, and I told my therapist about it. Like step one, because it's one of THE biggest triggers for dysmorphia, is hair removal. I recently met another transwoman who recommended her LHR practitioner who is a lot cheaper than most, and lets patients pay per-session instead of buying a package of treatments. After or concurrent with that, I start changing my public gender presentation and coming out to family and work colleagues*, and then start HRT. Or maybe vice-versa -- start HRT until its effects can't be hidden any longer, then change my gender presentation, etc. Still not sure.

Something that made me feel like I'm on the right track: I met again with the trans support group I mentioned upthread. I went to the LGBT Center for their weekly meeting, but hadn't looked at the website that day. When I arrived, a staffer there told me the group was meeting offsite that night at a nearby bar that has tabletop games to play. I had to think really hard at that point whether to go, because I only ever present as female right now in very safe spaces. I drove over, parked nearby and walked past to glance inside, and literally the only people there were the group, along with two people working there and one person at the bar. I decided what the hell, went in and sat down. Met three very cool new people in the group, we had a couple of drinks, played a couple of games, etc. I got a little nervous when the bartender came over to take a drink order and asked for ID, since obviously I'd be misgendering myself. He just took a look, said "Cool, thanks" and brought my beer; it was after that I noticed that in their front window was a giant American flag with the stripes replaced by the LGBT flag and there's a sign at the front designating the bar as a safe space for all. And their bathrooms are labeled as non-gendered. I was there about two hours, a few other patrons came in during that time, and it was so cool to just be out and be ME, the gender I feel like. This was literally the first time I've been in a public space and interacted with strangers and it was amazing. I felt no fear, I didn't have any of the heart-hammering anxiety I usually get, it just felt normal.

Honestly, I can't wait to do it more. I want the world to start seeing the actual me.

*I specifically checked while thinking about this stuff, and while the state of Ohio has no protections at all in place, the city of Cleveland specifically prohibits discrimination on the basis of gender identity or gender presentation.

He asked me a great question that he said often comes up when he arranges for his trans patients to start meeting with endocrinologists and other MDs as they start transitioning: "Without using the words 'masculine' or 'feminine,' explain what it means to be you as a woman."

this question is amazing and so difficult

And if I don't have a good one, does that mean doctors won't help me transition?

i doubt this is the case (in fact i doubt there's any such thing as a "good" or "bad" answer to that question). i think he's just trying to help you think about it in as many ways as possible before you start making decisions

i'm thrilled about your positive experience in the bar with the trans support group! it is so good to feel... actually safe in a public space, to hear and be heard by other people who've gone through or are going through similar things, to (getting a little corny here) feel like you're capable of being you and that you aren't a dissonant element in a scene but are instead completely harmonized. it neutralizes a lot of the anxiety i generally feel in public as well

It really was something, and the group members and facilitator are just so confident and comfortable in who they are that it's helping me a LOT. When I sat down I said, "This is tough for me, I'm not out and this is a neighborhood where I can run into people I know" and they all said "Don't worry, we got you, nothing bad is going to happen." At one point the bartender/owner asked if he could take a pic of us playing a game to put up on their social media accounts, and before I could say anything Ace, the group facilitator, just said "Thanks but we'd prefer you didn't." And that was that.

so happy to hear this update!!!

yeah this is major stuff phil <3 <3 <3

Oh, also, when I got my hair cut this weekend and got the green touched up, I told my stylist, "I want to try growing it out again, but don't feel like you have to be . . . confined, by like . . . a masculine cut? Feel free to make it more . . . androgynous?" Like doing everything possible to avoid saying out loud "I'm changing my gender presentation and want to use my own hair." But I think she got it. I eventually pulled up a picture of a long, curly asymmetrical bob and said, "I know this is a 'women's cut' but this is basically what I'm aiming for."

way to go!

I loved this essay on transness, politics, theory, desire

https://lareviewofbooks.org/article/the-daddy-dialectic/

Sending good wishes to you, Phil!

"Without using the words 'masculine' or 'feminine,' explain what it means to be you as a woman."

So much of our gender identity is social, I suspect there's a strong desire to be more recognized in your core identity. It's hard to feel social when no one seems to recognize you.

“Lunch with the FT” profile of Jan Morris, age 91 and transitioned in the early 1970s.

(paywalled to FT subscribers)

hey Phil. I've been drafting then deleting posts on this thread for weeks, because I want to find out more about this directly from someone going through it. I'm embarrassed at how much I don't understand. my first question would have been exactly that 'what does it mean to you to be a woman' so the fact that's now being discussed has prompted me to post. (for me that's sort of the heart of what I want to understand about what it means to be trans) I'm typing on my phone now which seems to prevent me articulating myself properly but hope you don't mind if I ask a few questions later in the hope of educating myself? I respect if you feel it's not your job to educate me though!

Meant to post this yesterday - this has a link that should get around the paywall:

'Jan Morris’s transition was like Salman Rushdie’s fatwa: it magnified her fame' https://t.co/Y33GKgTCDz

— Financial Times (@FinancialTimes) March 24, 2018

xp I'm happy to answer whatever I can, even though I'm still finding this stuff out for myself. I like Aimless's comment above, as it gets more to how I feel than old tropes about "an X trapped in a Y's body." When perceived as a man I feel culturally expected, conditioned and sometimes pressured to behave in certain ways that don't feel like *me*; but when perceived as a woman my behavior, expectations about my public presence, and everything else feel both more correct and like a more appropriate feedback loop, if that makes sense?

Well, my second question was 'how important is it to you to feel you *are* a woman vs to feel perceived as a woman' - and how much of a difference even is there? - so hopefully we're talking from the same page - but if you don't mind, I'm gonna webmail you rather than fill this thread with my stream of thought. Hope all is good with you.

as it gets more to how I feel than old tropes about "an X trapped in a Y's body."

I prefer to say it feels like I was living someone else's life.

that's a great way to put it

Otm

And go Phil. It sickens me when people put their own values and reactions ahead of a person's simple request to be addressed and treated as a person of the gender they choose. I hate how hard it makes life for trans people, for no reason whatsoever - I mean, it's no trouble to address and deal with a chromosomally determined woman as a woman, so why would it be any more difficult to address and deal with a trans woman as a woman. It's not your business, just treat people as they wish to be treated, fuck.

kinder, I do have your email and want to respond to it but was recently out of commission with a ridiculous upper respiratory infection/bronchitis that kept me in bed for a week. Now that I'm up and about I can give it some time. :)

Last couple of sessions with my therapist went really well -- I was able to talk out an answer that I think made a lot of sense to me, and basically ended up close to what Extended Mix says above. When I look in the mirror, when I think about my body and my life, it isn't me, and I know it's not me. To get into some weird near-deterministic mind-body stuff, the body I have is not the one that my brain expects to have, and the life I've lived with it is not the one I would have otherwise wanted.

My wife and I have also been sort of timelining things out. I start laser hair removal next weekend, then I have an appointment with a doctor at the LGBT clinic at Cleveland's MetroHealth at the end of June where I hope to talk about starting HRT. I'm going to spend June and July coming out to people in my life -- my parents, close friends, work, etc. By mid-July I am going to file my name change and gender marker change paperwork, and start socially transitioning in August/September. That's our plan right now contingent on a bunch of variables. I can't find a copy of my birth certificate so I sent away to the county vital statistics department for a copy. Everything else will proceed from there and whether the doctor will start me on HRT, but I'm going to transition one way or the other.

<3 <3 <3

Phil <3

I also spent some time out as The Real Me on National Trans Day of Visibility and it was so great. And I came out to a cousin because I was just bursting to tell someone and I picked one of the few family members I know I can trust right now. I think I mentioned her upthread -- she's bi and genderqueer and has done a lot of work personally and professionally with the LGBT community. (She's the director of programs & partnerships for the National Coalition of STD Directors.)

This is all great news Phil <3

omg Phil <3

I gotta be careful though because the name I think I'm changing to is very, uh, meme-able.

Go Phil!! <3

why would it be any more difficult to address and deal with a trans woman as a woman.

imo, the difficulty isn't gender, it is sexuality. The existence of transgendered people muddies up the cultural signals that trigger sexual desire and this irrationally angers people, because sexuality is about as far from rationality as you can get.

It's not your business, just treat people as they wish to be treated, fuck.

This is rational. It is also the only ethically defensible position. It is an uphill battle to persuade irrationally angry people using rational and ethical arguments, but not an impossible one. I wish it were easier.

Aimless otm as usual

good luck phil! Hope you're feeling better. Sorry for my ramblings!

phil good work

yayayay!

soooooo I'm getting together with my closest friend on Wednesday and I'm going to come out to him. Aside from my wife, he will be the first important person in my life I am letting know. After that, my parents.

good luck phil - really appreciate your updates itt

good luck!

good luck! any idea how your parents will take the news?

No idea whatsoever. In the abstract I know my dad will be supportive because he's a pretty liberal guy, works on his county human rights commission, supports and works for LGBTQ rights, etc. But I know the abstract can differ a lot from the personal when you discover your son is now your daughter. I think my mom will take it pretty hard, though. At least for a while. I expect there to be a lot of tears.

I did get together with my friend Chris on Wednesday, and I came out to him. I don't know why I expected anything less -- probably because I'm a natural-born pessimist -- but he was cool, supportive, and encouraging. You don't just throw 30 years of friendship away over something like gender identity! The next morning he sent me this message on FB: Thanks for trusting me with your decision. I’m very proud to be your friend and I am glad you are taking steps to be who you are and not who you think everyone wants you to be. Stay strong and stay focused.

Tomorrow is my first appointment for laser hair removal, and my hair is getting long enough that I will feel more comfortable presenting as female with my own hair soon. Maybe another month or two. I also have all the paperwork I need to change my name, and talked to some other trans people who said it didn't take them more than 4-5 weeks to get it done in this county. So I'll probably file in mid to late June. And from that point on instead of being Phil D. I will be Liz D.!

that is amazing!

would you like us to call you Liz now?

I think I'm still comfortable with Phil for now, but thank you!

can't believe you didn't take past ILX posters' usernames into account when deciding the name that will represent you in the real world every minute of the rest of your life

congrats Phil! continue to post hair and l00ks updates if you feel comfortable doing so

Congrats and hella support on the half dozen major life-changing updates I'd previously failed to notice!

xp was there a Liz D. on ilx?!

She died in 7/7 London bombing

oh my god :( :( :( :( :(

I came out to both of my parents on Sunday. I don't want to write too much about it because I'm still kind of processing. They were both loving and supportive, emphasizing that their only desire is for me to be happy. And they also both said, essentially, that they have known or suspected this since I was at least 13. So there's that. Parents always know.

<3 <3 <3 <3 <3

Do you feel an initial great sense of relief? I know you mentioned worrying about how your mother would react more than once.