AGING PARENTS

my love to you, j. it sounds like you have been strong and present in the best sense and I'm sure that's helped everyone. treat yourself gently x

xo, deepest sympathies to you

my mom's new thing is parking at a store, shopping, and returning to find that her car has rolled across the lot into a curb or another car because she left it (a manual) in neutral without applying the parking brake

i don't even know how this is possible -- did it not move when she got out of the car? -- but she's done it twice (that i'm aware of) in the last four months

yikes

Visiting my mother: more regularly, now decreasing it a bit. Call her everyday. Stayed over Sat; Sat eve-Sunday mornings seem the hardest time, and we've had the first batch of birthdays without my father. Thankfully I'd stopped giving a shit about birthdays but he always wrote me a nice card so there's an absence there, one which is felt in a diff way.

My aunt (on my dad's side) called and talked to me for nearly two hours on my birthday and I was bitter (not that I need an excuse) about becoming this go to person to my wider family they can load their fucking grief (her husband can provide, that's about it).

I'll have to dig in, which is unlike me. Confident I won't break but I'm feeling my way into this. There's no manual and I wouldn't read one anyway so..

Just reading this news, J. All the best to you. Think about doing something for yourself for a week or so. Have a late summer break somewhere, if you can. Or just do something that's not putting the family first for a short time.

Thanks. I had a break in early July (I booked it months ago and my mother insisted I'd go instead of cancelling and spending more time w/her). It was nice, but now its more digging in...I am doing a lot more yoga, and I think it is keeping me afloat (as much as ppl round these parts, my housemate's kindness and my reading)

Likewise have only just seen your post from a few months ago, xyzzz - belated condolences and good wishes for the here and now. Nothing is easy.

<3 to you and the family, j

mook, does yr mom have a friend nearby who can take her shopping if it's necessary?

My Mom’s 90th on Tuesday. About to head to Minnesota for it. I moan about a lot of things as you all know but constantly thank the local deities that her health issues are all second tier ones.

Congrats to yr mom, Jon

Father-in-law (who is 86) finally moved out of our house, where he has been living (unplanned) for the last two years (not the deal we agreed on). Everyone is happy and relieved. He has his own little apartment in HUD housing now, probably 10-15 minutes away from us on his scooter.

My dad (74, poorly managed Parkinson’s) and my mom (73, some kind of dementia) are staying in separate un—air-conditioned houses despite the 90+ degree heat. They have a main residence and seperate beach hut an hour away and they’re each in one, and they check in every night by phone. BUT my dad has missed two doctor’s appointments this week and my mom is unconcerned, and giggles about it. She does not want to go check on him because “he’s cranky” and she selfishly doesn’t want to reschedule her tennis group or get a sub when she paid for court time ($16). But she’s not lucid either, and I can’t be too hard on her for that.

Meanwhile, my aunt met her for dinner the other night and told me that my mom bought a $19 lobster roll and a $2 iced tea, plopped a $20 bill in the middle of the table during dessert and walked out mid-sentence to go strolling on the beach “because she doesn’t feel right without doing that once a day.”

In the spring I set them up with an attorney to do medical directive, HIPPA stuff, etc., but they ghosted the attorney and now they’ve forgotten about it. Now they can’t sign documents in sound mind, and they’re too avoidant to follow-through when provided with remindersz

My sister lives near my parents, but she’s trying to convince them to give her one of the houses and provide free babysitting, so even though she wants to help she’ll constantly minimize their behaviors so that she doesn’t feel guilty about exploiting them.

I don’t know what to do, and as much as I love them there are days in which I think of giving up and never taking to any of them again. I want help, but I don’t think there is such a thing... when the principles seem determined to messily screw up theirs remaining years.

They won’t talk to me about finances, doctors, plans, mobility issues, modifications to the house (they hand-shovel a 400 foot driveway on a steep grade, and they don’t have railings by their front door) and they both get mad at me if I bring such issues to to attention, saying “we’ll deal with them when we’re ready.”

If I try to deal with these things on my own (e.g. installing grab bars for bathroom), I’ll find them missing on the next trip.

can empathize, I had some of these same issues with my parents. don't give up, now that I'm older myself I think the only important thing is staying engaged

Thanks. I’m just venting, I guess. Every time the phone rings I’ve just got this crazy moment of anxiety before the number comes up, when I think it’s going to be That Call.

Been through a very similar situation - totally relate about phone anxiety. Things only got "better" when my mother's dementia got worse and I somehow managed to impose caretakers on her. Staying engaged seems indeed the right thing to do - there will come a time when you will get a chance to take some control.

My father died from Alzheimer's early this morning. He was 76. More sudden than we anticipated but not unexpected. My mother cared for him at home until very recently.

Back when he could reflect and speak, he'd respond to questions about his diagnosis with: "it doesn't hurt."

But it did, and it does. Fuck you, Alzheimer's.

I’m so sorry, Quincie. <3

fuck, that's awful, and I know Alzheimer's takes so much away for so long before the end comes. I hope it's a release from that, and that you will remember who he was. I'm really sorry.

I'm sorry, quincie.

Deepest condolences.

sorry quincie <3

<3 quincie

Hugs Quincie. ❤️❤️❤️

I send my condolence, too. Alzheimer's makes one's grief and sense of loss so drawn out and equivocal that it can be hard to know how to approach it.

Sorry, Quincie. It’s a beast.

Very sorry to hear Quincie.

i’m so sorry, quincie, it’s such a loss

Thanks, it is comforting to here from my ilx crew. My father was an interesting and unusual man who was quite admired and nationally recognized in his field, despite being an odd bird who didn’t practice the self-promotion that most people at his level relied on. His was success was pure talent and results; god knows he was not a particularly personable guy. Alzheimers gave me an opportunity to have a different sort of relationship with him than I had growing up. The whole experience has been difficult, yes, but also quite meaningful. Deeply touching, really.

quincie, take exceptionally good care of yourself. Feel free to mourn this terrible loss for as long as you wish and don't listen to anyone who wants to put a time limit on it. This is one of the most devastating losses you will ever have to deal with and you feel whatever emotions come to you. You're never going to look at April 7 the same way again. If you need the help of a therapist to help you get through the grief process (and it is a process), GO. If you want to go the self-help option, I can't recommend How to Survive the Loss of a Parent by Lois Akner enough. Whatever it takes, whatever option(s) you take. Grief is a very individual process, but remember to be good to yourself and mourn for as long as you wish. If you need to vent, I'm here; I trained as a grief education class facilitator and went through grief therapy myself.

I'd also like to extend the offer to any other ILXors who've either just experienced a major loss or who are struggling with one, who would like some support. It sounds weird to say this but I kinda feel like grief is one of the things I'm good at, in the sense that I can offer emotional support to people going through the grief process. Let me tell you, for one thing: it's never a straight trajectory. Those oft-quoted "stages of grief"? Total lie. Don't feel that you have to follow said stages the way they're laid out because that never happens. Like I said, grief is a very individual process and you're going to follow your own path through the pain. Also, it's something you get "through", not get "over", because you never "get over" the grief.

Thank you dee, I needed that. I’m a geriatric social worker, formerly a hospice social worker and bereavement counselor—so this all feel familiar, but not *my* people familiar. Different story when it is your own family.

My partner’s parents are a decade older than my parents and are still trucking along without much in the way of problems. Aging parents is some mysterious stuff.

I'm sorry for your loss, quincie. With Alzheimer's grief hits us hard even before our loved ones are gone. Perhaps that can make the subsequent phases of grief a little easier? I hope so, anyway. Love and strength to all the children of aging parents.

Deep condolences and hopes for strength in a difficult time.

so sorry quincie...take care

sorry to hear this quincie! take care <3
i am terrified of the contents of this thread and generally avoid it but wanted to share my condolences

I'm so sorry quincie.

Thank you dee, I needed that. I’m a geriatric social worker, formerly a hospice social worker and bereavement counselor—so this all feel familiar, but not *my* people familiar. Different story when it is your own family.

My partner’s parents are a decade older than my parents and are still trucking along without much in the way of problems. Aging parents is some mysterious stuff.

Thank you for that. You would absolutely know more than me in a professional capacity, but everything I've learned is from personal experience (and getting through said personal experience). BTW, thank you for having been a hospice worker; those places are amazing and the one my dad was in really strove to foster a nurturing environment for my family and me.

Having read more into the thread, I'd almost forgotten I'd posted on here before. Thank goodness I didn't repeat my story here! Also, for all of you who are fellow only children, you never know how much it would have helped (if at all) to have had any siblings when it comes to being a parental caregiver. I've heard stories where families with many siblings left all the care up to one sibling, or there were many differing opinions about how to care for a parent that caused bad blood amongst the siblings and a total lack of care on the behalf of the ailing parent. For awhile there I wished I'd had siblings who would pitch in to help out with my parents, but now I'm glad everything was left to me because I knew I was providing the absolute best care I could and I didn't have any siblings to provide additional drama or strife when things got especially rough. And I want to thank Jenny once again for all her kind sentiments. I've come through the other side and am lots better, and it was because of seeking therapy for my grief that I finally got help for some undiagnosed/untreated mental illnesses, so my mom's death was a blessing in disguise.

Another thing I hesitate to admit is that when my mom died, it was freeing in an awkward, weird way. Like, having to devote so much of my life to caring for her prevented me from doing things for myself, but after she died I was able to do some traveling and concert-going, things I'd been denied throughout the vast majority of my twenties and early - mid thirties. Also, before she died I would have never dreamed of doing some of the things I do on a regular basis, e.g. drive on the highway as much as possible (she only ever wanted me to drive the side streets), and I can enjoy the occasional alcoholic beverage without her reacting as though I've made the decision to become an alcoholic. I feel like this is this great unspoken thing because it sounds like my life has improved as a result of losing my parents, but... in a way, it has.

That is a good thing to say, and as a parent I would want my kids to feel released if they were so selfless as to care for me as I declined. If it's not too glib, job done, enjoy knowing that you did your best.

Quincie - I'm so sorry. Love to you.

It'll be two months in June since my mom died and I honestly don't know that I've really processed it. Her actual death was pretty traumatic and the 10 years proceeding it were horrific. I had some sort of breakdown lite last summer probably triggered in part by all this. I am sure I will process it all eventually but for now it's almost too heavy for me to really start doing so. My dad has a new ladyfriend who is completely terrible and hardly talks to me anymore so that's pretty weird and a whole other thing I don't know how to handle.

sorry to hear this quincie, look after you and yours

e <3

life should come with better manuals

Wishing lots of strength to you Quincie. I've been through pretty similar circumstances and can totally relate to Dee's strange sense of relief. After losing my dad to a neuro-degenerative illness, I've been dealing for the last few years with my mom's long and painful cognitive decline. In both cases, the hardest part has been to remember my parents as their old lucid selves, and not let the sick years overshadow my perception of them.

That is a good thing to say, and as a parent I would want my kids to feel released if they were so selfless as to care for me as I declined. If it's not too glib, job done, enjoy knowing that you did your best.

Thank you ever so, MatthewK. I feel like that's a great unspoken thing amongst those of us who have lost a parent after being their primary caregiver because it seems so self-centered and uncouth, but... it's the truth.

It'll be two months in June since my mom died and I honestly don't know that I've really processed it. Her actual death was pretty traumatic and the 10 years proceeding it were horrific. I had some sort of breakdown lite last summer probably triggered in part by all this. I am sure I will process it all eventually but for now it's almost too heavy for me to really start doing so. My dad has a new ladyfriend who is completely terrible and hardly talks to me anymore so that's pretty weird and a whole other thing I don't know how to handle.

Two years is hardly enough time to get through the grief process, ENBB. The grief's still fresh, even if you had "ten 10 years proceeding it". It's going to complicate matters greatly that your father "has a new ladyfriend who is completely terrible", because it creates a wedge between you two when you need each other the most. Even though I pushed my mom to try to find a gentleman friend of her own a handful of years after my dad died, she never expressed any interest in that (she would say, "why would I want to raise another one?") and that actually helped us develop a closer relationship with each other, because we were on each other's side and were all each of us had in the world. It was very "you and me against the world" and that created a kinship that made the twelve years we spent together after Dad's death all the sweeter. I hope you can seek therapy and have some awesome friends to lean on for emotional support, and that your father eventually wakes up to reality, but as my therapist pointed out, you have to be ok with not having control over the actions of others. I'm sorry your situation's the way it is.

My father in law is sadly on his deathbed tonight. He has suffered from dementia for the past 5 years & been in a care facility these past 4 yrs. He had hip surgery last month but has also struggled with near constant UTI infections. he ended up in the ER with extreme sepsis & this afternoon they took him off life support, he’s now on oxygen & morphine to keep him comfortable. We all knew it was coming but it still destroys your heart to watch it.

A native Hawaian, college footballer for the UoP Tigers, geologist, jazz lover. This man was my surrogate dad when I moved to the US, between him & my mother in law i don’t think I would have weathered being so far from home. My first christmas in the US he gave me card containing a check for roundtrip airfare to Aus, with a note that says “if you were my daughter I would want you to come home as often as possible” (not even my mother in law knew that he planned it) Knocked me for a loop. Truly, no hyperbole, The most kind, loving, generous man I have ever known.

It seems like he is going to hang on for anothr day or so, but these next 48 hours are almost certainly to be our last with him.

Imagine leaving this life so well remembered, what a gift. Hope you have good support VG.

My sincerest condolences to you, your husband, and your husband's family, VegemiteGrrrl.

Damn, VG, it's hard to say goodbye to wonderful people you love and care about. But it sounds like his race is run and it is time to cheer and love him to the finish line. Your story about him made me smile. Remember, that smile won't end when he does.

i’m so sorry, vg. he sounds like a wonderful person (and father in law) and i’m sure you were a great joy and a gift to him as well. kia kaha<3

vg <3