Why do people leave ILX for good?

I knew Calum had written a book but no idea he went to um, greater things (I probably wanted to put a blocker on myself knowing). Hilarious.

Does anyone whether they are well regarded at all?

I kind of miss Henry K Miller a little bit although we follow each other on twitter (most of the reason I went there was to re-connect with old ilx ppl)

at our school at least the teachers are all extremely on-point with that stuff. and ime it's extremely good to get to know as many of the other parents as possible. i think parents are more aware now too. bullying wasn't exactly tolerated back then but it was more of a "hey fight back!" or "ignore them!" thing, now it still happens but lots of places do seem to have that zero tolerance policy. our kid's school even actively addresses that freezing-out thing; one of our kid's friends got into trouble w/the school because she was engaging in that in her classroom with her friends.

Bullying is BIG in teacher training programs. It's also a huge topic in professional development. And the consistent deployment of elementary age PBIS systems, as hokey as they are, has a loooong downstream effect.

But there's a generational gap in parents' understanding of then-bullying ('80s meanness/cruelty) and now-bullying (201xs concerted digital campains / social coordination / year-long harassment), and teachers/admin are MUCH more capable of dealing w/ the former than the latter.

nrq was a great poster but iirc left bcz he didn't like post-Dom niceness? not likely to be into the placid old fart era of now

i see enrique voted for Baby Driver and Ingrid Goes West in the S&S poll, so we'd still be crossing swords.

Re bullies: if trump ever apologizes or acts like it was nothing DONT FALL FOR IT

Otherwise to apologize is mandatory and to forgive is permissible imo. Advising or witnessing kids being bullies is so awful.

“bullied” but yikes

my ‘80s-era bullying went ignored by teachers who didn’t get it, the school counsellor who didn't care, and my parents who ignored my begging for help for a decade and then 20 years later said “why didn't you say something?”

the western world has certainly changed in this regard

i see enrique voted for /Baby Driver/ and /Ingrid Goes West/ in the S&S poll, so we'd still be crossing swords.

x-post The whole "boys are mean to you because they like you" thing that is told to girls is so awful and really fucked up and I really hope that's not as common a message now as it was when I was a kid.

― Benson and the Jets (ENBB), Tuesday, February 27, 2018 3:36 PM (one hour ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

oh most definitely, I kind of threw that out there as a fucked-up idea that parents somehow propagated when I was a kid

going to check out that link soda mentioned about PBIS. I remember when I was in late elementary school they started a "conflict manager" program that was basically a peer intervention thing -- if two kids got into a verbal or not-serious physical altercation, they'd speak one-on-one to a peer, and have to answer a list of questions to try to get to the root of why there was a disagreement. anything that was obvious bullying would be something picked up in review by teachers, but it was a good no-fault way to get kids to think about why they were acting out. because when you're ten years old, sometimes you just act out or lack the understanding of what the other kid is like

we didn't have that when I reached middle school, which sucked because my school was kind of rough the first couple years and I felt like any attempt to talk to a teacher or counselor would be snitching

very heartwarming stories; on the other hand, my story is that one of the girls who bullied me in middle school later asked me to help her get a photography internship (I did not help her get this internship)

Well done, fuck a heartwarming bully story tbh.

My own experience with being bullied isn't that great or significant tbh, nonetheless it has led me to standpoint where I wouldn't piss on any of those arseholes if they were on fire.

Same here for reals.

The guy who bullied me in 7th grade murdered someone, I think he will be up for parole soon. I def won't help him get an internship.

i've met a couple of bullies post facto and it's weird how the bullying vibes are still THERE, big as life, even after you've both become adults. all those feelings, that power dynamic. it's just right there. (at least until it gets knocked down, but that takes some effort and good will)

Jesus he'll be out in 4 years

https://coms.doc.state.mn.us/publicviewer/OffenderDetails/Index/200426/Search

enbb and lechera are you talking about "boys" as in elementary/middle school boys? i feel mortified that i've never really thought about specific ways boys are mean to girls at this age - in my memory the two sexes stayed pretty isolated from each other until high school but i guess this is probably wrong

i have obviously not actually quit posting to ilx but i hardly look at it anymore and almost never post when i do. i stopped posting because i stopped having anything interesting to say (yeah, yeah) about the things most current posters seem to care a lot about currently and also because a lot of the posters who i enjoyed and felt some sort of community with also stopped posting much. certainly the ability to have like facebook or twitter dm groups or slack or w/e and snapchat to look at while killing time at work also made it easier to just kinda stop using ilx but i can imagine a version of ilx that i still was a regular of, maybe

it is funny to me that this was one of the top threads on sna because i was talking to someone a few nights ago about how much i missed ilx and how much ilx meant to me for a few years but that unlike a lot of stuff from that period of my life it sort of disappeared - me from it and it from me - without leaving a mark.

i have worked in a lot of urban public schools and many of the middle schoolers are a lot more like high schoolers than back in my day

xp

ums is this him? http://www.mankatofreepress.com/news/local_news/ten-years-later-and-still-wondering-why/article_f29e9e04-7a66-53bf-aa46-cfdd0dedc553.html

I just found my childhood bully (elementary through middle school) on Facebook. sometime in high school, he'd fucked with the wrong person, got his ass beat, and the rumor was he got sent to military school.

now he is married with kids and is a born-Again. good for him I s'pose.

xpost lamp

i don't think meaningfulness is mutually exclusive with continual engagement. something can mean the entire world to me and i'll just drop it tomorrow and not think about it again for years.

it's really good to see you btw

other than the brief month or two I was inexplicably throwing barbs at you I always liked yr posts too Lamp.

I mostly come here to read and learn stuff.

I got my friend to post here: slothroprhymes

I beg him to post regularly again but he just doesn't have the ilx bug anymore I guess. Only shows up occasionally these days.

― Evan, Tuesday, February 27, 2018 7:59 AM (eleven hours ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

I've thought about it. I don't post that much, don't really have a lot of connections to folks at ILX, get most of my music news elsewhere, and tbh was never the most apt messageboard guy anyway, even when I was on them every day. I like that ILX never became facebook, as far as likes/quantifiable feedback, but otoh sometimes it feels like Twitter. So, if I left, it would be because I was finally ready to say "I dgaf whether someone I don't know thinks my post is otm". I don't need to be at the table, or at least not this kind of table. Where's the table that can read your innermost thoughts and validate your innermost valuables without you having to be sociable about it? Oh yeah, it's the embittered solitary novelist table.

― Dominique, Tuesday, February 27, 2018 11:12 AM (eight hours ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

sloth and dominique both need to post to the i love hoops message board again so we can make basketball observations together.

(everyone who likes hoops should go to i love hoops with world's best and nicest mod, m bison)

Xxxxpost neanderthal thats him, whole thing was so horrible and senseless

xps completely by coincidence, one of my high school bullies was put in a tertiary class with me well after we both left school. he tried bullying me again and the whole class was “wtf is wrong with that guy”

(everyone who likes hoops should go to i love hoops with world's best and nicest mod, m bison)

for some reason i feel awkward about posting there but i'm watching a lot of sixers games this year so i probably should

enbb and lechera are you talking about "boys" as in elementary/middle school boys? i feel mortified that i've never really thought about specific ways boys are mean to girls at this age - in my memory the two sexes stayed pretty isolated from each other until high school but i guess this is probably wrong
For me, middle school. I didn't know any boys until 8th grade and I will never forget the first day of class, or these new boys' coordinated effort to humiliate me that followed. I remember being told that they were doing this because they liked me, but if they liked me, they shouldn't have organized to humiliate me. This is in part why I hate the song "Amanda" by Boston. I'm way over it, but it's not like I forgot.

mordy you should post there, I don't even know anything about basketball except that I enjoy watching the NBA and imo anyone else here who enjoys watching the NBA should post there

I remember being told that they were doing this because they liked me

More like they felt strongly that it was good to demonstrate they had a kind of power over you, hoping it would result in your submitting to them. The desired submission was no doubt connected to sexuality, but calling that muddle of cruel and confused desires "liking you" is completely perverse.

for some reason i feel awkward about posting there but i'm watching a lot of sixers games this year so i probably should

― Mordy, Tuesday, February 27, 2018 8:27 PM (forty-five minutes ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

we all trust the process, yes, come join

Aimless OTM. The whole “he’s teasing you and being mean because he likes you” thing connects love with being hurt or feeling emotional pain and sends the message to girls that sometimes boys who like you will hurt you and is not OK at all.

sad sigh and co-signing

I can’t even begin to tell you how many times I was told this throughout elementary school and middle school. It’s a really destructive message to send to both girls AND boys.

totally otm

Yes, it's harmful for everyone.
Usually "they're doing it because they like you" is either prefaced or followed by "oh, you should be flattered" and there are few things (anything?) less flattering than being targeted for abuse. I'm sure they don't even remember it.

i was told girls were mean to me because they liked me but i never believed that b/c i was an annoying brat

obv "girls are mean to you because they like you" is also extremely disempowering to girls/women

i think people say it like it's some kind of consolation, only it's not

I'm at a Superchunk show with a group including four ex-ilx0rs and this thread is being discussed

reasons include racism and mansplaining, names named

[placeholder for names]

other please specify

racism, mansplaining

'mansplaining' is not a real thing

would you get off the internet pls

but i'm still using it