thread to get over a breakup

just means you have a big heart hoos <3

It isn't over. We're trying to work through it. But it's been weeks now of dread and tears and hard conversations, and this weekend she told me she'd been afraid to admit that she hasn't had romantic feelings for me for the last few months. And I remember the end of enough relationships to know that's never a good sign. To feel undesired by the person you love more than anything--I feel like a gutted fish.

i just want to scream and burn everything down

Do that for a while

Then remember that there's plenty out there need you in another mode than that

feel sure that you've found the person you'll spend the rest of your life with

this is a thing?

It isn't over. We're trying to work through it. But it's been weeks now of dread and tears and hard conversations, and this weekend she told me she'd been afraid to admit that she hasn't had romantic feelings for me for the last few months. And I remember the end of enough relationships to know that's never a good sign. To feel undesired by the person you love more than anything--I feel like a gutted fish.

― BIG HOOS aka the steendriver, Tuesday, February 27, 2018 1:50 PM (one hour ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

lots of love to you hoos, from someone who was in that boat v recently and similarly crushed at the time.

sorry and mucho love to you hoos

Bah, sorry to hear that, man. One thing though:

And I remember the end of enough relationships to know that's never a good sign.

Past relationships are only ever going to cast a shadow over current ones, because, y'know, they're past. They didn't work out - but that doesn't mean that patterns you see in them necessarily point to doom. Have you the option of couples counselling?

always move toward the sun, cast the shadow behind you on the past, imo

i’ve decided to be single forevermore

which means i have to break up with someone i’ve Been seeing for about a month

do i owe them an explanation?

general human decency says yes imo
but idk shit about dating rules so maybe my advice is not the best

general human decency definitely says yes if you mean "should I just ghost them" instead

it’s only been a month so you owe no more than “not feeling it” imo

it’s within the dating trial period before you have any sort of solid commitment, unless you’ve exchanged vows or something

yeah ghosting bad, unless it’s a mutual “we forgot to text each other ever again” thing that is mutual

oh i don’t intend to ghost

i was just wondering if “not feeling it” is a good enough explanation or if i owe them more

not feeling it is cool imo and ime

you could also go slightly more poetic with "my heart's not in it" or Bartleby with "I'd prefer not to go foward/I'm not comfortable going forward"

It isn't over. We're trying to work through it. But it's been weeks now of dread and tears and hard conversations, and this weekend she told me she'd been afraid to admit that she hasn't had romantic feelings for me for the last few months. And I remember the end of enough relationships to know that's never a good sign. To feel undesired by the person you love more than anything--I feel like a gutted fish.

― BIG HOOS aka the steendriver, Tuesday, February 27, 2018 1:50 PM (one hour ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

this ended friday btw

best of luck and much love to you, Hoos

aw man... sorry to hear that Hoos.

I wanted to start a topic on how to adjust to being single life, but I guess this thread is good to go.

I'm recently single. I came out of a long relationship about this time last year but barely got time to adjust before I got romantically involved with a colleague and we ended up seeing each other for about 9-10 months before splitting up the other week. I'm still on good terms with both exes. We walk in similar circles and I still see one of them at work every day, which isn't terribly easy but can't be helped.

The tough bit is over. It's been a few weeks since the break-up and my heart's healing. Now for the other tough bit. I've not been alone for 10 years and the prospect of that is in some ways that's liberating, exciting even. At the same time, it's alien. If I surround myself with friendly faces I can take my mind off things.

But last night was tough. My housemate was out and man, I was lonely. I took a walk, thought about popping into a pub or a cafe but felt embarrassed about being alone. I thought about going to the cinema, but I've never been to the cinema on my own. Ended up pretty much forcing myself to watch a film at home by myself. It's not that I wouldn't have done this before when I was in a relationship, but there's a dissonance going on in that I'm now at liberty to do whatever I want, but at the same time it feels a bit fruitless, like a waste of time cos there's no one to really share that experience with.

The other thing is feeling weird in public places. Like if I go out dancing or socialising, I'm in a crowded room and conscious of being a single bloke in my mid-late 30s. Why is that strange? I dunno, but there's a sense of alienation or a feeling like I can't quite relax properly. Like an internal social pressure to act like an interesting person, a non-weirdo, because even though I'm not looking to make a new relationship or even 'hook-up' with anyone at the moment I don't want to be a wallflower. And yeah there's the whole 'missing human intimacy thing' too which is a biggie. Does that make sense?

Ultimately this question isn't about 'getting over a break-up' or 'how to meet someone new'. I'm keen to be single for a while and use it as a time to get my shit together, remember who I am (or discover I should say), learn to be independent, use the time to work on projects I never had time for... But it's easier said than done. Simply deciding what to do on a Sunday afternoon, or what to eat for dinner, or trying to think of things to do on a Friday night that don't involve getting absolutely slaughtered, it's not coming very naturally rn.

that was a ramble. apologies for the bad writing.

No, it's fair enough, I get some idea of that from time to time. About a month ago I was in town for something and was about to head home, no interest in a night out (also lol old so more than 2 pints would be a serious decision), I'd already talked to my girlfriend about 'how was your day' and rang my Mum (she's ill so I try to ring regularly), and I was just struck with the desire to have a phone conversation, like would it be weird to just ask on Facebook if anyone wanted to talk? (A: Yes)

that makes perfect sense

I'm currently on the other end of things having seen myself as a single person, primarily. I've dated off and on for the last few years but have had an intentional break from that, which has gone on slightly too long.

I was literally the only person in the movie theater yesterday and it was refreshing. There are some experiences like that where you're only going to talk about it after the fact, and it doesn't matter if you experience them with others. The socializing, like dancing or attending a concert, sometimes does feel really off, even if you wouldn't be able to pick out your friends easily in a mass of people and would be doing your own thing part of the time.

I really need more structured activities outside the house, but I'd say: start a routine. Even if it's heading out to a breakfast spot on the weekend, finding a place where you can get a coffee and chat with the staff, find a place where you can have two beers and chat with regulars on the way home. Uh, and maybe things that don't involve food/drinks/commerce

sorry, that was a xp to DL

would it be weird to just ask on Facebook if anyone wanted to talk

not necessarily! I have friends who have done this, although I haven't, and have ended up talking via text or calling people. even an ilxor or two.

that is to say, friends have asked if anyone wants to talk, and I've obliged. or just struck up a conversation if I see someone's online.

xxxp to Andrew. i had that too. i've got lots of friends/acquaintances in this city but they're all people i met in the last 2 years and many of them i'm not sure about just ringing up and asking if they wanted to do something or just chat or whatever

The socializing, like dancing or attending a concert, sometimes does feel really off, even if you wouldn't be able to pick out your friends easily in a mass of people and would be doing your own thing part of the time.

this is pretty funny and ironic in that I actually quite like breaking off from ppl I know in a pub/club/bar/gig and going on a little adventure. now suddenly i feel like a weirdo loner creeping around the place

the trick is to conspicuously strike up a conversation with a small group of people, and then speak to others elsewhere in the club later. then the second group thinks you're with the first group, not a weird loner, and they're more likely to talk to you

another thing i have to admit I did which is totally stupid and not making me feel happy at all is rejoining OKCupid and spending hours a day repetitively doing the Double Take swipe thing despite not even wanting a date and not really being interested in anyone on there. Maybe it's the instant gratification of getting 'likes' (you can't even see who's doing the liking unless you pay for an account), or a general nosiness about who's out there, or a sort of 'not wanting to feel like a lonely lump and living vicariously through other's profiles' or something, but I need to get off that for now, or until I'm genuinely interested and/or desperate to meet someone. In the back of my mind I'm still thinking like someone who needs someone else with them, and needs it now. I guess I have to hypnotise myself to think like a happy single person.

there's no wrong answer as to what a healthy/happy single person is

sometimes just browsing through sites like that is cathartic, even if you never message anyone

guess so.. being a social media addict doesn't help though, and it's a big waste of time considering

never been to the cinema on my own
it's great!

eating a 3 meal dinner alone at a good restaurant is also tops, really lets you zen out

I like being alone at concerts too (but I often end up talking to people when I go to concerts alone)

and bars, if it's a good bar you can just zen out standing at the bar having one pint after the other

I do get the awkwardness of clubbing alone, you need someone to dance with

and all those dating apps (I'm using all of them atm) are horrible indeed, such a waste of time

you could go to meetups and stuff, but I don't get the idea you need new friends? maybe would be nice for you to settle a bit more into your own company. but then, I'm an introvert so if you're different maybe it's never going to be as nice for you

"never been to the cinema on my own"

Wow. I know I'm pretty far over on the antisocial end of the scale but the idea of people who need company to exist in even non-social public spaces just boggles my mind.

"people who need company to exist"

can we assume that you didn't mean that to have the level of superiority it's giving off?

Can I assume the same of your response?

there's no reason to assume goodwill on moo's part

I'll admit to fp'ing right away

And is that the royal "we"?

tbh Moo i was trying to give you the benefit of refining a comment that seemed pretty shitty for this kind of thread but i shd've known better

You should probably stick to the "you have no friends" response from the other day, which I don't think anyone FP'd.

tbh Moo i was trying to give you the benefit of refining a comment that seemed pretty shitty for this kind of thread but i shd've known better

― bad left terf nut (Noodle Vague), Tuesday, April 3, 2018 6:21 PM (eleven seconds ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

Not supercilious in the slightest.

never mind, carry on

I don't think it's about "needing" company as much as finding the act of doing these things solo a foreign thing.

there's no reason to assume goodwill on moo's part

― WilliamC, Tuesday, April 3, 2018 6:14 PM (eight minutes ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

Goodwill toward whom? I don't know you or anyone else posting here.

I don't think it's about "needing" company as much as finding the act of doing these things solo a foreign thing.

― mh, Tuesday, April 3, 2018 6:25 PM (twenty-one seconds ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

I think finding it sufficiently foreign to avoid it is effectively the same thing. I find its foreignness foreign.

if we're not worthy of goodwill then why interact with us at all? jesus christ

I didn't say you were un'worthy of goodwill', nor do I perceive this forum primarily as a site of social 'interaction' in which such a concept would come into play, but rather as one for discussion of ideas. Though having just seen how small is its readership, I suppose that view may be erroneous.

I would suggest that excessively personalizing that sort of idealized discussion is in fact a fairly good description of bad faith.

I think depersonalizing any discussion, to the extent you pretend the people in it aren't distinct personalities bringing their own lives to the table, ignores how human interaction actually works

tell me how a thread with this title fits into your "idealized discussion" bullshit, because it's about a personal experience and not an idealized "how humans should deal with the end of a relationship"

there's no reason to assume goodwill on moo's part

― WilliamC, Tuesday, April 3, 2018 6:14 PM (eight minutes ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

Goodwill toward whom? I don't know you or anyone else posting here.

― Moo Vaughn, Tuesday, April 3, 2018 11:25 AM (twelve minutes ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

you are a total cunt

jim's got it in fewer words