Why do people leave ILX for good?

I had a similar experience to AA with a bully who tormented me in grad/middle school and tbh it was lovely. She sent me the most heartfelt apology and I'd absolutely hang out with her if we were in the same city now. It didn't seem forced or fake at all. I think she just realized what a little shit she was as a kid and how much that might have hurt me and felt terrible.

there was a kid who would follow me around at recess in second grade and like, try to trip me and horse around and I thought it was incredibly irritating and that he was bullying. then his mom met my mom and said that he thought I was cool and I was apparently his favorite person to hang out with at recess!

people generally don't try to bond in that way past like, third grade

isn't that the concept behind "negging" though? Adult men do this to women a lot.

It didn't seem forced or fake at all. I think she just realized what a little shit she was as a kid and how much that might have hurt me and felt terrible.

― Benson and the Jets (ENBB), 2018年2月28日 星期三 上午 8:23 (forty-three seconds ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

that was definitely the undercurrent of my experiences too. they didn’t say as much, but it was clear they really wanted to smooth over the past.

treeship: if we can’t acknowledge that people can genuinely change and improve then fuck everything.

and to their friends. negging is the only way some dudes appear to be able to show affection

xpost

Anyone I bullied at school I hated

jk I used to slap this kids lunch outtve his hands I was his best man

xxxp

some people can't

it's up to each person to decide whether they will give them the chance, there are a lot of factors to consider

it's good you guys had a positive experience after the bully matured

if you punch a girl on the arm during recess at elementary school it means you want to marry her

If they apologize it’s different. I was talking about when people act weirdly overly friendly/ingratiating when the last time you spoke to them years ago they were jerks.

re self-blame for bullying: obv i can’t and wouldn't speak for others, but my horrible childhood was largely the product of having a combative and thoroughly antagonistic parent, the impact of which i didn't even realise until years after i left home (this probably also explains my first few years on ilx to an extent)

x-post The whole "boys are mean to you because they like you" thing that is told to girls is so awful and really fucked up and I really hope that's not as common a message now as it was when I was a kid.

If they apologize it’s different. I was talking about when people act weirdly overly friendly/ingratiating when the last time you spoke to them years ago they were jerks.

― treeship 2, 2018年2月28日 星期三 上午 8:34 (forty-nine seconds ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

true but the apologies were very strongly implied, and tbh i don’t need them grovelling if they're simply better people now

those experiences make sense to me, years later everything changes and what not. i think at the time, in the middle of high school or whatever, it's extremely difficult for people to suddenly change course and get out from under the burden of being tormented and for others to view them differently (that second part is even more tough i believe.) which is why to me the idea that everyone around you treating you like shit is because of you (and not the blanket perception others have of you) is wrong.

Feel like starting a poll:

Have I ever bullied u on ilx y/n

it's probably something you should address in private with the specific user

I asked the one guy who really got on my nerves in middle and high school -- it got bad at points -- about why he did that when we found ourselves at the tenth reunion (the only one I've ever attended). He freely admitted he was in the wrong and even said something about how he was apparently jealous of my alleged smarts (read: my endless capacity for trivia, really). Whatever it was, it ended well and I considered that put behind me. As it turned out, he and another classmate of ours hung out a lot at that reunion and then ended up getting married so hey, happy endings all around.

I don't give em that much credit tbh

x-post The whole "boys are mean to you because they like you" thing that is told to girls is so awful and really fucked up and I really hope that's not as common a message now as it was when I was a kid.

― Benson and the Jets (ENBB), Tuesday, February 27, 2018 3:36 PM (thirteen minutes ago) Bookmark
otm
it is one of my life's goals to stop this toxic idea in its tracks if i hear it. if it's dying out, i dance on its grave.

Indeed. Will join you.

i had to go talk to my 7 yr old daughter's teacher today because a boy shoved her and she says a bunch of girls in her class won't be her friend anymore :(
it's very strange and sad to go through this stuff again from the other side
i will say, unlike during the early 80s teachers actually seem to give a shit now

Aw :(. The fact that they give a shit is def an improvement though and I really hope things get better for her. I'm glad you went and talked to her teacher - that's really important, I think.

yeah, just really sad for little buddy, the teacher said she would have the school counselor give a call too

being a kid can be such a bummer

best to little person

thx yall

Best indeed. And yeah, there seems to have been a generational shift from what I can tell in terms of active help. A good thing.

I knew Calum had written a book but no idea he went to um, greater things (I probably wanted to put a blocker on myself knowing). Hilarious.

Does anyone whether they are well regarded at all?

I kind of miss Henry K Miller a little bit although we follow each other on twitter (most of the reason I went there was to re-connect with old ilx ppl)

at our school at least the teachers are all extremely on-point with that stuff. and ime it's extremely good to get to know as many of the other parents as possible. i think parents are more aware now too. bullying wasn't exactly tolerated back then but it was more of a "hey fight back!" or "ignore them!" thing, now it still happens but lots of places do seem to have that zero tolerance policy. our kid's school even actively addresses that freezing-out thing; one of our kid's friends got into trouble w/the school because she was engaging in that in her classroom with her friends.

Bullying is BIG in teacher training programs. It's also a huge topic in professional development. And the consistent deployment of elementary age PBIS systems, as hokey as they are, has a loooong downstream effect.

But there's a generational gap in parents' understanding of then-bullying ('80s meanness/cruelty) and now-bullying (201xs concerted digital campains / social coordination / year-long harassment), and teachers/admin are MUCH more capable of dealing w/ the former than the latter.

nrq was a great poster but iirc left bcz he didn't like post-Dom niceness? not likely to be into the placid old fart era of now

i see enrique voted for Baby Driver and Ingrid Goes West in the S&S poll, so we'd still be crossing swords.

Re bullies: if trump ever apologizes or acts like it was nothing DONT FALL FOR IT

Otherwise to apologize is mandatory and to forgive is permissible imo. Advising or witnessing kids being bullies is so awful.

“bullied” but yikes

my ‘80s-era bullying went ignored by teachers who didn’t get it, the school counsellor who didn't care, and my parents who ignored my begging for help for a decade and then 20 years later said “why didn't you say something?”

the western world has certainly changed in this regard

i see enrique voted for /Baby Driver/ and /Ingrid Goes West/ in the S&S poll, so we'd still be crossing swords.

x-post The whole "boys are mean to you because they like you" thing that is told to girls is so awful and really fucked up and I really hope that's not as common a message now as it was when I was a kid.

― Benson and the Jets (ENBB), Tuesday, February 27, 2018 3:36 PM (one hour ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

oh most definitely, I kind of threw that out there as a fucked-up idea that parents somehow propagated when I was a kid

going to check out that link soda mentioned about PBIS. I remember when I was in late elementary school they started a "conflict manager" program that was basically a peer intervention thing -- if two kids got into a verbal or not-serious physical altercation, they'd speak one-on-one to a peer, and have to answer a list of questions to try to get to the root of why there was a disagreement. anything that was obvious bullying would be something picked up in review by teachers, but it was a good no-fault way to get kids to think about why they were acting out. because when you're ten years old, sometimes you just act out or lack the understanding of what the other kid is like

we didn't have that when I reached middle school, which sucked because my school was kind of rough the first couple years and I felt like any attempt to talk to a teacher or counselor would be snitching

very heartwarming stories; on the other hand, my story is that one of the girls who bullied me in middle school later asked me to help her get a photography internship (I did not help her get this internship)

Well done, fuck a heartwarming bully story tbh.

My own experience with being bullied isn't that great or significant tbh, nonetheless it has led me to standpoint where I wouldn't piss on any of those arseholes if they were on fire.

Same here for reals.

The guy who bullied me in 7th grade murdered someone, I think he will be up for parole soon. I def won't help him get an internship.

i've met a couple of bullies post facto and it's weird how the bullying vibes are still THERE, big as life, even after you've both become adults. all those feelings, that power dynamic. it's just right there. (at least until it gets knocked down, but that takes some effort and good will)

Jesus he'll be out in 4 years

https://coms.doc.state.mn.us/publicviewer/OffenderDetails/Index/200426/Search

enbb and lechera are you talking about "boys" as in elementary/middle school boys? i feel mortified that i've never really thought about specific ways boys are mean to girls at this age - in my memory the two sexes stayed pretty isolated from each other until high school but i guess this is probably wrong

i have obviously not actually quit posting to ilx but i hardly look at it anymore and almost never post when i do. i stopped posting because i stopped having anything interesting to say (yeah, yeah) about the things most current posters seem to care a lot about currently and also because a lot of the posters who i enjoyed and felt some sort of community with also stopped posting much. certainly the ability to have like facebook or twitter dm groups or slack or w/e and snapchat to look at while killing time at work also made it easier to just kinda stop using ilx but i can imagine a version of ilx that i still was a regular of, maybe

it is funny to me that this was one of the top threads on sna because i was talking to someone a few nights ago about how much i missed ilx and how much ilx meant to me for a few years but that unlike a lot of stuff from that period of my life it sort of disappeared - me from it and it from me - without leaving a mark.

i have worked in a lot of urban public schools and many of the middle schoolers are a lot more like high schoolers than back in my day

xp

ums is this him? http://www.mankatofreepress.com/news/local_news/ten-years-later-and-still-wondering-why/article_f29e9e04-7a66-53bf-aa46-cfdd0dedc553.html