Depression and what it's really like

with all the usual caveats about the use of advice and recommendations given how different people are, I think a long walk sounds like a great idea, and if you've got the time, going for a few days can get you into a really good rhythm where you just focus on the day itself (when do we eat, when do we stop), and the really big picture stuff; all that mid-level dreck of life stresses and considerations is removed completely. plus there's the practice of walking itself: the meditative quality, the exercise, being out in the world, seeing the changing landscape, paradoxically both getting outside of yourself and feeling more comfortable within yourself. can be difficult to organise of course but there are good reasons people get hooked

ogmor otm. i have been walking on different stretches of the st james's way for two to three weeks in every summer since 2007 and it has changed me. one thing i succeeded in while being on the path was stopping smoking in 2008. these days i am addicted to walking, in berlin i easily do 10,000 steps per day, i walk a stretch to and from work every week day. i feel more alive than only taking the underground, there is so much to see and i think the light -
now in winter only in the morning - has a positive effect on my mood.

i deleted everything that i could, and i'm seeing a therapist soon. my wife helped me find one that i could afford, and i'd have an appointment right now except they're closed for the weekend. she's also more than a little freaked out at my mass deletion. i've been on the computer so much the last 15+ years that it has become part of my identity, even to my wife. that's sad. i backed out of the LPC thing earlier today, and after an exhibition in a couple months that i can't easily get out of, that'll be that for that period of my life. already it all seems very unreal, but i often thought that with enough time all of my creative work would have disappeared anyway, since it all lived online. computers change, web standards change, OS' come and go out of favor. online-based work breaks and is difficult to put back together again. it's all gone now, and yet nothing has changed. it's all very ephemeral. it's hard to think of anything else that you can pour yourself into for a decade, and then just delete it. it was never real in the first place.

i will still post on ilx, but i'm taking a breather from it for a while. thank you all for your support, now and throughout the years.

<3

(stay on il baseball imo!)

take care Karl

take care all of you

Karl shoot me an ilxmail

karl see you tomorrow :)

anybody else have days with persistent but not intense suicide thoughts, like, I'm not gonna do it, but I keep thinking about it

and yes, karl, good luck. always really enjoy your presence on ilx and elsewhere so v much rooting for you.

i had this loads. just thinking about it. made it difficult to fill out sheets that said “have u made plans to kill yourself” which i wanted to answer “not plans exactly but i’m not sure this constant contemplation is gr8”
― Fizzles

yeah, it's why there's this differentiation between "suicidal ideation" and "suicidal intent", right?

good luck karl <3

Take care all, I admire the tough people in this thread.

hey everyone, sorry for being all dramatic yesterday. i kind of lost my shit there for a while, more than i ever have. i feel kind of pathetic about how strange i feel now that all my online shit is gone. social media started as a fun diversion but gradually worked its way into a lot of my life, especially after i tried to follow the bullshit "do what you love" career advice that people who are very lucky love to give out. now that it's all deleted, i realize how much space it was taking up. it's frightening tbh. i keep automatically moving my mouse over to the part of the bookmarks bar that held all the social media links. and on my phone, i keep swiping over to where they were, just muscle memory. none of that can be a good thing.

i wish i could go see a therapist right now and start whatever the process is, but i have to wait until tomorrow to try to get an appointment. in the meantime i am downloading dark souls 3 so that i can take out my frustrations on lots of dark video game souls.

start whatever the process is

going outdoors and exposing yourself to unfiltered reality in the form of weather, sky, earth and air is a great place to start. too bad January is not a good month for just sitting on a park bench and staring into space.

yeah - speaking of, i do really enjoy hiking and i think i'm going to treat myself to my first ever multi-day solo hike when it gets a bit warmer. i grew up in the country and used to climb the neighbor's fence and wander around their wooded property for hours at a time (at least until that one time when someone fired a "gtfo my property" warning shotgun blast). by this "process" though, i just mean the process of talking to a therapist and getting drugs. i am ready for that now, for whatever it is.

i admire your mass deletion, KM. the other day I forgot my iPhone when i went out for a day trip and i'm glad i realized it when it was too far to turn around. it was the best day trip i had in awhile. it's really evil how social media gets its hooks into you, considering how it actively bums people out, how you start to feel disconnected from people if you aren't on social media anymore (and how when you are, you start to forget about the friends of yours who aren't on social media if you don't regularly see them!) it feels like these dead hands clawing at you from out of the past sometimes, these people you forgot existed and by all rights were right to forget (nothing personal, they were just in the past), and suddenly there they are, front and center again. and the people you should cherish who aren't on your feed are the ones you neglect. this is how it sometimes *feels*, at least. i try not to do that. not always successful.

And i mean online life tends to make me more anxious. i think it's the nastiness. comments sections just make me depressed, even the odd unpleasant comment aimed at me on ILX will set me back a bit. or reading unpleasant comments aimed at others in any forum--facebook, twitter, here, wherever--which seem to exist just to make people feel better about themselves. it all seems extremely pointless. sometimes they're so ridiculous as to be comedic, sometimes they cut too close.

Walking is the only thing that keeps me same. It's a wonderful act of thought processing and letting go

*sane

Karl, I recommend a walk - preferably with dog.

last two days have been an episode. nothing big, but good to keep reminding myself it's there, i'm ok, and that doing things i like that make me feel better about myself can't hurt.

good attitude map

good decision, karl

i have wrestled with that decision myself, so far haven't made the plunge

i'm not trying to complicate things, but would anyone else support the idea of de-indexing this thread? or starting a new one on 77? or just reviving an existing thread on 77 and using it from now on?

Yeah, deindex at least

was managing depression really well the last month, but met a girl recently and despite it feeling like the most natural chemistry in the world, things kinda went south the other night and it's done. now i'm reminded how much worse depression can be when you feel heartbroken, and also reminded why i avoid relationships.

Because it burns being broke and it hurts to be heartbroken but always being both must be a drag

I would support a 77 thread. I’m in a really bad place and have been trying to post here for weeks and weeks but keep deleting. Things have reached crisis point in the last two weeks.

Would def support that, too. This is too much out in the open.

If we could make a singular depression/anxiety thread too, that would be great

would it be tasteless to ask to join 77 to follow this though?

nah

not at all imo. i followed this thread for a while before posting on it, and it helped me through various things.

Boxedjoy you’ve been round long enough - join 77

sorry you're struggling just1n3

^yeah, same. and ross, too. don't know why i was waiting until the start of a new thread regime on 77 to say that.

https://www.ilxor.com/ILX/ThreadSelectedControllerServlet?boardid=77&threadid=106971#unread

Yeah guys, thinking of you and knowing you dont deserve to be going through this shit.

btw, for those of you reading who might not be sure what "77" is, or for people who might see this thread in the future, just request access here:

Request Access to 77 Borad

all of my problems bog down to me being unable to accept being disliked by anybody, viewing it as a personal failure. I wasn't like this prior to a few years ago - part of why I got promoted at work is because I was able to be frank and stand firm in the face of any criticism.

Nowadays though even if someone dislikes me for unreasonable reasons, my brain processes it the same way. I find myself doing things I don't want to because I think it will please people, even if I know saying "no" is reasonable.

the alternate theory is that I'm so tired of conflict/emotional stress that it's not that I care about being disliked, but I just desperately want to avoid conflict due to how much of it I experienced at work and with my folks the last few years (re: money).

so I find myself wanting "me" time a lot more than I used to. I used to date anybody who'd give me the time of day, now I look for excuses as to why I shouldn't.

it's not a bad thing, I'm very independent and don't need constant stimulation from other people to be happy, but I don't want to get too closed off either.

part of me thinks I actually need something bad to happen soon just so I can see "hey this didn't kill you", cos with anxiety it's more fearing the myriad of 30452452454254902542 timeline possibilities than reacting to something that really happened.

I also am really worried about my dad, who hasn't been the same since his hospital visit in 2016 for anemia, and may have had a stroke. he's having neurological tests done.

I guess all in all stuff's ok, but just venting.

s’what it’s for.

it's bad today. i have stuff i need to do before tomorrow morning but. i think i'm going to go lie down.

good idea.

btw, if you are on board 77, there's a much more active thread there, linked about five replies above yours. it's a de-indexed thread and much more private.

Man Neanderthals post from March is pretty relatable to me. I was popular in school but I’ve always felt the need to be liked which sucks. I have been but that almost makes it an addictive thing although I don’t care if anyone pokes meat work cuz I work with bullies and lame Os

Likes me at work - unfortunate typo

Been drinking way too much - a bottle of spirits a day, or thereabouts. And cutting myself again. It feels like a total regression, but I don't know what I can do about it.

Dowd request 77 access perhaps? There is a more private thread there - sucks to hear this, pm me if you want to talk

<3

Thanks

I've been thinking about depression lately - it seems like the key component is the tendency, probably biological, towards negativity and pessimism in thoughts. Also a tendency to remember the bad things in life. Its like one has a filter and all of life seems seen through gray glasses. The way out is to realize this and try to see things more objectively. Usually emotional thinking is extreme and exaggerated where as a more logical thought process is more moderate.

wow, that never occurred to me

are you being sarcastic?