how to make friends and influence ppl (without being a creep)

years ago a male coworker complimented my haircut, and followed it up by saying “i used to be overweight and i know that people paying me compliments on how i looked when i made an effort always made me feel good”

he’s a very sweet guy and his intentions were pure of heart but boy that explanation really took the wind out of my sails

idk what "supposed" is doing here but it's a bad sentiment and accession to it is drawing the line in the wrong place

― remember the lmao (darraghmac)

the "supposed" is that i've always gathered that there's a certain expectation (frequently justified) of male cluelessness. when i look good coworkers will compliment my wife, because men, particularly married men, aren't supposed to be able to dress themselves.

wow. that one is something else. xpost

i remarked to my (male) boss the other day that he'd had a haircut and he paused, looked at me, and said "yeah. i get one every so often." awkward

This is one of those moments when the person who's addressing you just throws out a totally bland observational statement and then expects you to pick up the conversational slack. I used to work with someone who would do this multiple times a day, just saying things like "lunchtime, eh?" while looking at you expectantly.

Re: the original question, it shouldn't be that difficult to make a simple compliment without coming across as a creep. "Cool hair by the way" in front of a group of other people is one thing, "I like your hair" while staring intently at them across a meeting room is a different thing entirely.

I mean the female is almost an unnecessary modifier there

good point.

xp to rushomancy I get that, def, but I disagree that it changes how a guy should behave

It's nice to compliment ppl and it's nice to notice when things are nice and if you do notice then an internal filter should be more thoughtful imo than "I'm not meant to notice these things I'll say nothing"

are any of yall actually getting laid behind any of these compliments

seems like the efficacy of complimenation is, by assumption, way overrated itt

HEY NICE CANS LADY

'your fabric choices are divine'

<furious smooching>

I think the premise of this thread is pretty obviously about a sincere compliment without an ulterior motive.

well then what's the mystery

ooh cute shoes

there, voila

I used a Denzel Washington line from training day actually during a putative romantic liaison the last day and almost needless to say it ended things immediately so it ain't what you say it's the way that you say it and uh whether or not you are Denzel

or whether the other person watched the same movie

If complimenting co-workers feels like really uncertain territory to you, try practicing by complimenting them on their work, or their desk decorations, or something that is not attached to their body. Once you feel more relaxed in those waters and see how that kind of remark is received, then you might try a scarf or hair compliment.

"i like your mug"

when i look good coworkers will compliment my wife, because men, particularly married men, aren't supposed to be able to dress themselves.

― bob lefse (rushomancy), Sunday, January 7, 2018 3:58 PM (one hour ago)

?!?!?!?!

Does Rushomancy live in the 1950s?

"You look great for a change, who dressed you?"

shit

I'm pretty sure I've gotten that since Christmas

Herself bought me clothes for Christmas

Shit

I really can't remember ever needing to make a personal-appearance compliment to a woman in the workplace. I have just always found something else to talk about. Work, the weather, current events, music, TV, movies, kids, books, pets, sports, restaurants, coffee. I'd probably have to exhaust that list - and quite a bit more - before the only thing I could say would be "your hair looks nice" or w/ev.

One time I told a woman that I thought her (rainbow-swirl) eyeglass frames were a bold choice, and funky in a good way (we'd already been talking about glasses; she'd just complimented mine). Another time I told a gay coworker that I liked his tattoo, and showed him mine. Both of these were in after-work happy-hour situations, where we all knew each other well and everybody's partnership/marital status was well-established. Otherwise I've just always found other things to talk about.

That said, 23 of my 25 years of work have been for small women-owned businesses. This encompasses some fairly heavily female professions (health care, PR, pro-environment nonprofits). And compliments between women have been commonplace ("I like those boots!" "Nice skirt!"). I have been complimented myself, and I always just take it as nice banter, but I have no problem with it being basically a one-way street most of the time.

"i like your mug"

"Keep calm and carry on, eh? Aheheh."

i think the actual fear people have is not they will actually creep someone out -- you can avoid that by having decent intentions and reading signals -- but that some mean spirited person will twist around their words in order to hurt them.

idk about anyone else, but I'd say that I fear both? "you can avoid that by having decent intentions and reading signals" feels like missing the point, if you're sincerely worried and confused about this stuff (rather than just using it as an excuse) it's probably because you *can't* read signals?

Re: the original question, it shouldn't be that difficult to make a simple compliment without coming across as a creep.

but it is for some people, otherwise this thread wouldn't exist!

NB I don't think I've ever commented on a co-worker's clothes/hair/etc, partially for fear of creeping them out, partially because I know that I always feel embarrassed and uncomfortable if someone mentions my appearance, regardless of apparent motive or how complimentary they were being (I don't want to give the impression that I'm constantly providing a running commentary on other people's appearance)

When someone (usually a much-older woman) has remarked on my appearance (hair, glasses, tie, suit, whatever) - I'm not creeped out. I don't think she's trying to get into bed with me. But I do get a trifle self-conscious, similar to what soref intimates.

Workplace cultures clearly vary a lot, and different people approach them with different attitudes. But generally, when I go to work I go to work. My objective is to get through it guickly, so I can get home to my wife and children and my beer-fridge and my guitars.

I try to be pleasant and personable, but for me it's not really a place where I need to make friends (let alone flirt or look for dates). Liking someone's boots or tie or haircut is obviously fine as water-cooler chit-chat for some folks, but to me it's just a distraction.

Maybe some people approach work differently because it's become their main social outlet? Perhaps because they have relatively few meatspace friends outside work? Perhaps because modern work styles just occupy so much of their day/week that they can't bear it not being social? I don't know.

ive never had an issue with this. in a professional environment i may act a little more personable at times but i only say something if i actually mean it. so if my boss has a paisley top on i will say "Wow cool paisley" or something. same with if someone gets a haircut, if it's somebody you see every day anyways, nothing wrong with saying "Oh nice haircut" just don't be a creep about it

modern work styles just occupy so much of their day/week that they can't bear it not being social?

this is interesting cos modern work styles both have that social aspect to them (being on social networks, attending office events, cornhole tosses, etc.) and with flex-time you have people telecommuting more and more. it's kind of a weird mix.

rule #1 is don’t toss your colleagues’ cornholes imo

Oh good another thread about ilx ppl rambling on about themselves

Sometimes I compliment ppl sometimes I don't

I don't know if I'm stating the obvious but it's possible to compliment someone on something that doesn't involve their looks or their clothing choices

can't believe people are talking about themselves on a messageboard

we need to get back to the issues

issues are not workplace appropriate imo

Oh good the guy who said this conversation was the same as guys complaining that feminism means they can’t hold the door open for ladies anymore is back to continue belittling a discussion that he can’t be bothered to read

And yeah you are stating the obvious thanks

Specifically on a thread which is about interacting with other ppl tho? I mean, there've been reactions from them right? Just not thrilled with how "and then I did this and felt like this because I'm a person who feels this" this thread feels. xpost

If you're an extrovert who is new to a city, has few/no local contacts, and works all the time, you may depend more heavily on work to provide your social circle. Also if you work in an industry or for an organization where the ethos is "we work hard and we play hard." You know, like those 90s/00s offices with foosball and a keg.

If you telework, or have a lot going on outside work, you might depend on work less for your social outlet. It varies.

Perhaps that's why some people are having a hard time knowing the rules. And other people are like, "Huh? How is this even hard?"

Sorry you felt belittled on the thread about men assaulting women

I am always being reminded that even amongst people I am close to there are a wide variety of often conflicting ideas about what normal/acceptable/good behaviour consists of, and there is no way that universal simple clear rules could operate other than to silence some people and tell them they're being oversensitive/not sensitive enough

Does Rushomancy live in the 1950s?

― emil.y

the 1970s, but seriously, whatever year it is now this sort of thing does still happen on a regular basis.

When I started wearing jeans that fit/looked good a woman I ended up friends with presumed from a distance I'd gotten a girlfriend, that was like 10 years ago

"try talking about literally anything aside from the person's appearance" = much better way to develop work friendships than a compliment, to which the person replies "thanks" and the conversation ends there.

think about it for a full minute. how many other things are there in the world to talk about that might be better received than "i like what you've done with your hair"
i hope you think about that for a nice long while (more than a minute) before you wonder "when will i be able to compliment my coworkers' hair safely and without fear?"

Maybe some people approach work differently because it's become their main social outlet? Perhaps because they have relatively few meatspace friends outside work? Perhaps because modern work styles just occupy so much of their day/week that they can't bear it not being social? I don't know.

yeah Mad Puffin, and I'd add a variant to that phenomenon of work-as-social life, just from my own experience: people who work at mission-driven non-profits, where they're dealing on the one hand with intense political issues on the one hand, and with clients who are in frequent crisis/trauma on the other. ime many if not most of the front-line workers (and often the managers as well) need to feel a sense of supportiveness and belonging in such a workplace -- the word 'family' is often invoked and not entirely out of place. That sense of support comes from a mixture of things: feeling respected, having friends in the office (it doesn't need to be everyone, but at least a few), being able to laugh, a sense of informality... This feeling -of real friendship- seems to me incredibly important as a protective factor against burnout, the accumulation of stress, vicarious trauma, etc.

I know exceptions to this. I've known people in such settings who are glad to head straight to their cubicles, check off action items, eat at their desk, leave at five pm, and be done with it. Most of the examples that come to mind though are folks whose jobs were less client-oriented to begin with (the accountant, the IT guy, etc).

The last person that I ran into -quite serious- difficulties with ito presumption of romantic interest was somebody I had only ever spoken to about (and complimented her on) her work

Sorry you felt belittled on the thread about men assaulting women

― Chuck_Tatum, Sunday, 7 January 2018 17:46 (twenty-three minutes ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

Sorry you felt you had to come into this thread to earn your badge for that

yeah Mad Puffin, and I'd add a variant to that phenomenon of work-as-social life, just from my own experience: people who work at mission-driven non-profits, where they're dealing on the one hand with intense political issues on the one hand, and with clients who are in frequent crisis/trauma on the other. ime many if not most of the front-line workers (and often the managers as well) need to feel a sense of supportiveness and belonging in such a workplace -- the word 'family' is often invoked and not entirely out of place. That sense of support comes from a mixture of things: feeling respected, having friends in the office (it doesn't need to be everyone, but at least a few), being able to laugh, a sense of informality... This feeling -of real friendship- seems to me incredibly important as a protective factor against burnout, the accumulation of stress, vicarious trauma, etc.

― never have i been a blue calm sea (collardio gelatinous)

i once worked at a place where the owner felt it was very important for us to be "family". unfortunately for everyone involved he did a very good job at implementing that environment.

Sorry don't understand? Thought original point - compliments don't have to be about looks or clothes - was worth making.

xposts: I agree LL that hair is often a dead-end, but noticing something like, let's say, someone's cool vintage shoes, old bike jersey, or interesting t-shirt can lead to stories about where they got the item, the "hunt" involved, maybe the event associated with it (music show/bike ride/race, etc). it can end up becoming a conversation about a lot more than just that piece of clothing.

La Lechera otm. SO many other things to talk about.

Love the idea this board was ever about changing the minds of ppl. If anything it was so we could pass away the boring hours (when we were not being harassed by having to do work) by dumping any grey matter in our brains on unsuspecting strangers.

#workIsWork

Jessica begins speaking, and no one speaks over her. She didn’t actually have an ending to her presentation prepared, because she expected to be interrupted. She is mortified.

It me - I've been in this situation a few times, more in conversation than in a presentation context. Remember thinking what a decent guy he is.

this is really good

https://www.nytimes.com/2018/01/17/opinion/aziz-ansari-metoo-sex.html

yeah I love Lindy

yeah, strong essay