Depression and what it's really like

I don't know if this is depression or compassion fatigue or just too much of everything. Fuck 2018 and fuck everything.

keep in there, mate

need some advice. my friend seems ready to give up and is saying stuff that really scares me. she doesn't want help from me or anyone, not sure what to do

Can you get her out of the house? Invite her for a coffee, movie, something? Can you get her a Pema Chodron book and ask her to read at least one page per day? If you can just persist with these small steps, maybe something starts to give?

I work with her and we sometimes have lunch but she's cut out everyone outside of work. I've asked her to hang out but she wants me to leave her alone. Afraid I can't do much atm but respect her wishes, I called the crisis hotline yesterday but they said it would be better if she called. She doesn't want to; she's talking about assisted suicide. I dont know how to reach out to her family so I'm stuck

agh, i can only sympathize with you, unfortunately I've no practical advice. always seems so difficult to help someone when they're at that level of depression and where they reject your help.

I've just recently started taking venlafaxine. at 33 and after a lifetime of depression and anxiety I've finally started on the pills. it's working well for me so far, feeling hopeful and have energy.

Good to hear you're feeling better, Jim. I've recently started anti depressants and feeling pretty well! Here's to a better 2018..

Ross is it possible that your employer has next of kin details or could offer her some kind of counselling appointment?

Definitely possible NV, I would have to ask the manager (who is aware of her struggles to some extent). Probably would be a good idea

Wait, don’t tell your manager that you’re coworker is suicidal without her consent. I don’t think that’s the thing ti do.

Yeah I'm very careful right now with every decision

Maybe I should ask her to talk to her parents? She has done a lot of counselling, cbt and meds and claims it all hasn't worked

i'm not sure i've ever felt this low for this long, especially since nothing acutely painful has happen. no deaths in the family, no physical health issues. it's all been part of a very long slide. really, ever since i quit my job about a year and a half ago. i quit because i was really depressed and i thought that it was the job causing it. but i've been so down for so long that now i see that depressed time as a time of stability and possibility. i don't know wtf i'm doing now. i used to be against antidepressants, for me. not for anyone else. in fact, just about all the closest people in my life are on antidepressants and have been for many years. but i never wanted them. my mom and i only had one talk about them in high school, and i refused to even consider it. i wanted to beat the damn thing on my own, and plus i had seen too many people close to me get worse after taking them, like bad mental and physical side effects. and then in my 20s i had a good stretch for a few years and i thought i was over it. but now i don't even care. i really feel like a boxer who is staggering, like one real blow could knock me out, one from someone dying or someone getting sick, or a war, or my partner leaving me, anything, all of these real things that can happen, some of which can't be avoided. i don't care if it doesn't have an effect, or if it makes things worse. but in order to talk to someone, i have to get a real job again, one which would either cover mental health or pay me enough to allow me to cover it on my own. getting a job is something i would have just DONE at most stages in my life. i'd just keep trying until it was done. why does it seem so impossible right now? there are piles of clothes on the floor all around my bed, i haven't touched them for weeks. not that long ago i would make a point to make the bed every day and keep the room looking sharp. now it's just dark blue in here all the time, and i step around and over the piles. i haven't mustered the will to check out my student loans in MONTHS. every day it's at the top of the to list, and i don't do it. it will take two minutes. it seems fucking impossible.

thank god for my dog. some days she is the only reason i leave the house and walk around. right now she's relaxing on my foot, ready to go out, saving the day yet again, cutting this mercifully short. oof. sorry not sorry for posting this, i'm not looking for advice or support or kind words or anything. i know what i have to do. i have to gtfo my house and go to a coffee shop, or the library, and see how bad the student loan damage is, then update my resume, make up some bullshit for the one and a half years i haven't been employed, and then work at some shit job i don't want to do, all so that i can talk to someone who has the legal authority to help me change my brain so that i don't think this way any longer.

i used to be against antidepressants, for me. not for anyone else. in fact, just about all the closest people in my life are on antidepressants and have been for many years. but i never wanted them. my mom and i only had one talk about them in high school, and i refused to even consider it. i wanted to beat the damn thing on my own, and plus i had seen too many people close to me get worse after taking them, like bad mental and physical side effects.

honestly as someone who suffers from pretty serious depressive bouts from time to time this is still how I feel

good luck KM

Wait, don’t tell your manager that you’re coworker is suicidal without her consent. I don’t think that’s the thing ti do.

― treeship 2

if someone is standing on the edge of a bridge you don't have to get their consent to call the cops

no advice KM but listening anyway

xp i'm not saying ross *should* tell the boss, i don't really have enough info on the situation. just saying in my estimation keeping people safe is more important than keeping people's confidence

i guess my line of work is a little different since i don't work with adults

yeah same and I would explore all other options first but

I hear you Karl. And I’m sorry. It sucks.

she's talking about assisted suicide.

while this is not in itself a good sign, she is unlikely to be able to avail herself of assisted suicide, due to safeguards within the laws. and in seeking a physician's assistance to die she would also reveal her suicidal ideation to a medical professional and get further assistance with her depression.

i know what i have to do. i have to gtfo my house

maybe divide that into even smaller pieces. stand up? ok. put on a coat? can do. walk to the door? give me a moment and I'll get there. open the door? well, I guess it's right in front of me. etc. take a breath after each step ahead. reassure yourself.

its the piles of stuff that always overwhelm. The unironed shirts, the unpacked boxes, the sink full of dishes. They never seem to go away, they just get managed into smaller and bigger piles to maintain the facade of functionality.

I dont claim to be an expert but if you sincerely believe your colleague is a risk to their own health then you should act. Even if the worst were to happen and they were to lose their job its better than losing their life.

KM it breaks my heart to learn you *want* to get help but can't get it because of some bollocks coverage depending on having a job, which is now unavailable to you. That's a punch to the stomach right there. And I genuinely feel for you, the best of all people, to be living in a once civilized place turned into a shithole country so quickly and ruthlessly, for help not being within your reach.

The piles of stuff overwhelm, for sure. I have been tiptoeing around the shards of a broken porcelain plate in my kitchen for two weeks now. Some mean shards out there. It's getting to the point where I almost don't see the shards anymore, instead of just sweeping them up and be done with it. It's a ridiculous dance to perform every day, but here I am. It's not unlike the clothes scattered around your room. I just hope you know that negligence is a *symptom* of depression, and not a stand alone thing *on top of* it. It's not something that of itself adds to your problems, it's caused by it. That doesn't sound like any consolation, and it isn't on its face, but know that it's not just another singular thing on your pile of misery; it's there because you are trying to fry bigger fish. You'll throw that stuff in the washing machine tomorrow, or the day after, or next week. That's ok. Getting to the root of this is what's really key.

It goes without saying you can drop me a line through here or fb or whatever whenever you like, if you want to chat or just rant, you know that right? I do really hope you can find some way to get professional help. Sending my love, and be in touch if you want to.

don't be sorry, karl. i have some of the same problems where i know what i have to do it but cannot do it.

i used to be against antidepressants, for me. not for anyone else. ... i refused to even consider it. i wanted to beat the damn thing on my own

Yeah, this was how I felt for the first 15 years of having this bullshit wrong with my brain. Is there some kind of free low-income health insurance where you are, like Medicaid? Having that shitty staggering feeling and trying to get a job while in the throes of it, really sucks. (Not that trying to get a crap job is great when you don't feel super shitty.) ...

Xp I don’t know you too well, KM, but you know who I am on fb and you can always drop me a line if you want to talk anout anything. I relate very strongly to the things you posted, especially the parts about small tasks becoming daunting over time. You’re a very talented artist and a funny, clever guy and everyone on ilx loves you btw. I know you know that but still.

<3 u karl

cosign karl <3

Thinking of you Karl / Zach.
I've separated from my wife and am living alone (except when my fantastic daughters come to stay), so I've had cycles of bleak inertia. Which in no way compare to real depression. But I have found that when the piles pile up, it can be easier to just take care of *one* thing from the pile - put one piece of clothing in the laundry basket, or pick up one item from the mess in the kitchen. It's not difficult, and it's not dealing with the problem entire, but if you do it each time you go past you will eventually wear it down.

aimless you're absolutely right re assisted suicide

KM - relate to your post and wish you the best. I returned to work recently after seven months of unemployment; work resource centers helped a lot for me. I spent time around other people that were motivated to look for work because lord knows i'm not, i'd rather just sit at home and get high or drunk. The staff there assisted me with re-focusing my career ambitions after leaving a stable job of seven years (which destroyed me on a personal level).

anyways i know the struggle and send positive vibes

anyway, i

thank you for all of your posts. i checked my student loans tonight, it took about 3 minutes. 50% higher than i guessed. and the numbers i was worried about weren't quite as bad as i expected. my game plan tomorrow is to get some work done at a coffee shop. thank you again for being there. you all are very nice, and when i fall down the stairs of life it is nice to have a place like this to retreat to.

it took about 3 minutes. 50% higher than i guessed.

50% longer than my 2 minute estimate, i meant, not that the student loans were 50% higher than expected. i would be having a substantially worse night if the latter happened

you're gonna be ok karl! i emailed you.

KM, I don't know what the situation is like now, but when I first moved to Chicago a decade ago and was unemployed for a long stretch of time I utilized the city's mental health services. I believe it was sliding scale and it couldn't have cost me more than $15-25/visit. Medication was even cheaper (for me, anyway). It's worth looking into, maybe?

Anyway, you're a quality dude and it sucks that you're having such a rough time. Believe me when I say that I empathize hardcore and can say from experience that things can always improve even when you're feeling like all hope is gone. We should hang sometime, if you want!

anybody else have days with persistent but not intense suicide thoughts, like, I'm not gonna do it, but I keep thinking about it

pretty much every day tbh

it gets followed by a quick blast of "what a horrible thing to think you selfish brute"

Yeah that or what do I have to upset about other people have it much worse than you or think what it would do to your family. It's pretty horrible, some days are worse than others obviously. I mentioned it to my therapist I started seeing a few weeks ago, he said it's probably just a form of escapism, but I really hate it, like I feel on some level like eventually I might do it (just to be clear, absolutely no plans to do that, I don't want to worry anyone, this is like an arbitrary way I might end up dying if cancer or heart attack doesn't get me first) and it scares me to think about.

with me on a day like today it's as much a distracting mantra as anything

My partner is going through excruciating pain with Occidental .. something - a condition that often blights people with MS. And she keeps repeatedly telling me she wants to die. And she did try and OD a few months back. but what can I say... got to keep trying. Fuck knows why sometimes.

I don't think I'd dare top myself tbh. I always think I'd get it wrong and end up dependent on dialysis. Just purely selfish thoughts based on my extreme fear of hospitals.

calzino - is it occipital neuralgia she’s suffering from?

Best wishes calzino <3

Just an update to thank you all for support regarding my friend. She has been talking to me about going for a hike this summer and pushing herself out of this. I'm keeping a safe distance but being supportive

that's good to hear

yep VG, thats the one.

with all the usual caveats about the use of advice and recommendations given how different people are, I think a long walk sounds like a great idea, and if you've got the time, going for a few days can get you into a really good rhythm where you just focus on the day itself (when do we eat, when do we stop), and the really big picture stuff; all that mid-level dreck of life stresses and considerations is removed completely. plus there's the practice of walking itself: the meditative quality, the exercise, being out in the world, seeing the changing landscape, paradoxically both getting outside of yourself and feeling more comfortable within yourself. can be difficult to organise of course but there are good reasons people get hooked

ogmor otm. i have been walking on different stretches of the st james's way for two to three weeks in every summer since 2007 and it has changed me. one thing i succeeded in while being on the path was stopping smoking in 2008. these days i am addicted to walking, in berlin i easily do 10,000 steps per day, i walk a stretch to and from work every week day. i feel more alive than only taking the underground, there is so much to see and i think the light -
now in winter only in the morning - has a positive effect on my mood.

i deleted everything that i could, and i'm seeing a therapist soon. my wife helped me find one that i could afford, and i'd have an appointment right now except they're closed for the weekend. she's also more than a little freaked out at my mass deletion. i've been on the computer so much the last 15+ years that it has become part of my identity, even to my wife. that's sad. i backed out of the LPC thing earlier today, and after an exhibition in a couple months that i can't easily get out of, that'll be that for that period of my life. already it all seems very unreal, but i often thought that with enough time all of my creative work would have disappeared anyway, since it all lived online. computers change, web standards change, OS' come and go out of favor. online-based work breaks and is difficult to put back together again. it's all gone now, and yet nothing has changed. it's all very ephemeral. it's hard to think of anything else that you can pour yourself into for a decade, and then just delete it. it was never real in the first place.

i will still post on ilx, but i'm taking a breather from it for a while. thank you all for your support, now and throughout the years.

<3

(stay on il baseball imo!)

take care Karl

take care all of you