your most important local news story the world must know about

remember the lmao otm about the lol

losing my arm ouch

that’s me in the corner

Dateline Woking, England: Woman rode motorbike naked, had sex in the street and punched a blind man. Also racially abused one of the police officers who arrested her. Her defence barrister claimed in court that she was 'addicted to inhaling butane gas'.

Lady Godiva she ain’t

Lad y go diva

hey, the mall I went to growing up is in the news!

Body unnoticed in Atlanta area mall for weeks

hey, the mall I went to growing up is in the news!

Body unnoticed in Atlanta area mall for weeks🕸

Motorists got a surprise on the Sydney Harbour Bridge after a wayward wallaby was spotted hopping through traffic just before peak hour.

The wallaby jumped through cars from lane eight to lane one, onto the Cahill Expressway and then to Macquarie Street on Tuesday at 5am.

Officers were able to capture the startled animal, and the Taronga Zoo vet will check over the marsupial later in the day.

"It's believed the wallaby may have come from Cammeray Golf Course (in the city's north), but unfortunately he's not talking to us," NSW police spokeswoman told AAP.

The animal is in good health, she said.

"It was just standing there minding its own business, there was a police car with flashing lights," driver Ray told 2GB.

"I'm from the bush, I'm used to seeing them running all over the place, but I've never seen one so close in the city before."

Video:

Wallaby on the Sydney Harbour Bridge and Cahill Expressway - Filmed at about 5am by some very helpful police officers who protected the wallaby. The animal is now in the care of staff at @tarongazoo. #7News pic.twitter.com/ZKXLNLCX6V

— 7 News Sydney (@7NewsSydney) January 15, 2018

From the offical police press release:

Traffic controllers from the Transport Management Centre monitored the wallaby as it hopped across to lane one and, without indicating, exited onto Cahill Expressway then to Macquarie Street.

Officers took the startled macropod into police custody near the Conservatorium of Music, with the Police Mounted Unit arriving on scene soon after to take it to the zoo for veterinary assessment.

Suspect subdued:
https://www.fairfaxstatic.com.au/content/dam/images/h/0/i/s/4/v/image.related.articleLeadwide.620x349.h0irxx.png/1516046942278.jpg

The wallaby was taken to Taronga’s Wildlife Intensive Care Unit shortly after 5am. The zoo released a statement, which reads:

“The animal was thoroughly assessed by Senior Veterinarian Dr Larry Vogelnest including a full body X-Ray which thankfully did not reveal any significant injuries. The wallaby has been administered pain medication and fluids and is currently in Taronga’s Wildlife Intensive Care Unit for recovery and further monitoring.”

Officers took the startled macropod into police custody

Operation Prometheus: three hundred Spartan-III soldiers will be sent to destroy a Covenant shipyard located on an asteroid oh wait that's Halo.
Operation Prometheus: https://www.getsurrey.co.uk/news/surrey-news/operation-prometheus-surrey-police-burglar-14218417
Man with 'specialist skills' committing violent burglaries where victims are threatened with shotgun.
So named because officers will be served liver for lunch every day until they catch him.

Oh and they're calling this person the Night Watcher.

this is such a rollercoaster ride

http://www.mysheboygan.com/2018/03/sheboygan-man-eating-wet-wipe-leads-to-disturbance/

Police spoke with a woman who told officers when she came home, she found Oakley eating a wet wipe. The woman did not understand why he would be eating a disinfectant wipe so, the couple began to argue about it. Oakley tried swallowing the wet wipe, but could not, and eventually gave up on trying to eat the wipe.

The woman also told police that she had brought Oakley food and he got upset, saying that he already ate, and then smashed the sandwich she placed in front of him. When the woman went to leave the residence, Oakley reportedly grabbed her by the arm and pulled her back.

According to the complaint, the man told the woman that he was going to kill her family.

can't help but read 'my sheboygan' to the tune of 'my sharona'

A randy Wollongong train traveller caught engaging in a “free” sex act with a fellow passenger one day last December now has a lasting legacy of their time together – a criminal conviction.

Sh4ne L4urence Brennan was riding the 9.56am service from Port Kembla on December 14 when he noticed a female passenger masturbating on one of the seats and approached her.

After a brief interaction, the woman began performing oral sex on Brennan.

He later told police he didn’t have to “pay for it”.

The entire incident was caught on the train’s closed circuit cameras.

Brennan returned to his seat as the train pulled into Wollongong Railway Station.

City Rail staff waiting on the station platform later told police they could see Brennan holding his exposed genitals from where they stood.

Staff subsequently entered Brennan’s carriage to discover a “large and disgusting” liquid mess on the floor.

They originally thought it was urine, however Brennan told them it was Cola from a bottle he was carrying.

“I wasn’t having a piss, I spilled my coke, go and have a look, it’s just coke,” he said to police who arrived on the scene a short time later.

However, when further questioned, Brennan admitted he had splashed the Cola over his genitals in a bid to “clean myself up” after the sexual activity.

”I got a blow job on the train and I was rinsing my cock off,” he told officers.

Brennan was allowed to leave the location on the condition he not return for at least two hours.

I don’t see the problem

i just got a blow job and rinsed off with coke, officer, i won't come back for two hours.

not a minute less, mind

A commuter who received a criminal conviction and a $700 fine after receiving oral sex on the train wants to know 'how can you be so lucky and unlucky in the one day?'

Sh4ne Brennan, from Wollongong, south of Sydney, pleaded guilty to willful and obscene exposure and behaving in an offensive manner in court on Tuesday.

Mr Brennan said he started speaking to the woman - who had a 'mad body' - on the train platform when she said, 'I'm horny, will you fuck me?'

He now regrets his actions that followed after he received a 'bollocking' from a magistrate, his encounter was written up in the regional newspaper and his partner may find out.

Mr Brennan said he had explained to his partner that 'it is what it is'

The man (pictured) who received a criminal conviction and a $700 fine after receiving oral sex on a train says he would not do it again

'She was pretty horny and ready to go. Toey as,' Mr Brennan said on Wednesday.

He declined to have sex with her - but when the woman started masturbating on the otherwise 'empty' train carriage they shared he decided he would let her perform oral sex instead.

No one was in the carriage during the late-morning service, he claimed, and the sexual encounter was over in a matter of minutes. 'As soon as the deed was done I was out of there and off.'

But the crime was all captured on train CCTV and staff were waiting on the platform when the train pulled in, the court reportedly heard.

'I didn't know they had cameras all throughout the train,' he said.

The woman was a bit younger than him, he said, but 'wasn't a good sort'. It's unclear whether she ever got in trouble for her lewd behaviour, something he finds outrageous. 'She was the one masturbating. If she didn't offer me nothing I wouldn't have fucking done it.'

Meantime, the magistrate 'wasn't happy' with him in court this week.

'He said I well and truly crossed the line. And that sort of behaviour can't be tolerated, which is understandable.'

Mr Brennan pointed out there was no one in the carriage at the time and 'you'd think the train guard would've said "good on ya, mate".'

He would not do it again- and has been placed on a 12 month good behaviour bond - but asked: 'How many f***ing men would have knocked it back?'

So when is he flying out to South Africa to join the rest of the Australian cricket team?

shane really just tells it like it is

UK wife-carrying contest takes place in Dorking

"In other words, at least a dozen birds binged on alcoholic berries believed to be from a nearby bush. It caused them to crash into buildings and cars, or fall out of trees and die."

http://katv.com/news/local/several-birds-found-dead-after-consuming-alcoholic-berries

http://theprovince.com/news/local-news/woman-detained-after-feces-flinging-incident-at-langley-tim-hortons

https://www.theguardian.com/cities/2018/may/18/dutch-locals-crowdfund-25ft-penis-fountain-in-protest-against-modern-art-project-leeuwarden-european-capital-of-culture-2018-cornelia-parker

hell yeah dick fountains

https://www.theguardian.com/world/2018/may/21/danish-politician-inger-stjberg-muslims-ramadan

It's not really local news if it's in the Guardian and not just the Aalborg Bugle.

One assailant put on a shirt belonging to the victim that said "Show me your taco" before the two fled across the Junction Bridge to North Little Rock, according to a police report.

Police: Killings of 2 found dead in Arkansas ordered by woman pretending to be member of carnival mafia

You'd think this would be a fun story to read, but it's not.

Lord

Well, ok. There's this:

Under questioning by detectives, Fowler said he was ordered through text messages from Zaitchik to kill the Carpenters as an initiation into the carnival mafia...Before the interview with Fowler, detectives had discovered from examining Younger's cellphone that she had a Facebook page in the name of Frank Zaitchik, according to reports.

The kicker to this? Here is the Facebook page set up for ''Franklin Zaitchik''.

And here is a screenshot of the Facebook page for Frank Zaitshik, owner-operator of Wade Shows.

https://i.imgur.com/N6V1Ise.png

Wow, that is grim stuff. None of the articles I could find mentioned any sort of motive on Fowler's part for killing these two great-grandparents.

Sorry, on Younger's part.

Mississippi's getting a lottery, because poor people need to be the ones to pay for all that road/bridge repair.
http://www.djournal.com/news/nation-world/mississippi-lawmakers-approve-bill-to-create-a-state-lottery/article_15561adb-fede-5fd1-a9a6-cec3b8e499db.html

How are they going to play the lottery when they're already spending their money at the casino?

They're just not losing fast enough.
https://www.clarionledger.com/story/news/2018/01/21/casino-revenues-fall-2-percent-mississippi-2017/1052316001/

State Revenue Department figures released this week show statewide revenue fell 2 percent for the year (2017) to .08 billion, down more than $40 million from 2016. December was better, with gamblers losing 76 million statewide, up 3 percent from 71 million in December 2016.

maybe you've heard local-to-me story of a cop who enters what she thought was her own apartment, then is confronted by the real tenant, then shoots him dead. nightmare stuff
https://www.cnn.com/2018/09/09/us/amber-guyger-arrest-botham-shem-jean/index.html

so less than an hour from me, about a week ago, this lady is teaching her 15-year old how to drive, and being new to driving, she is slow to back out of the space, so this 57-year old asshole lays on the horn, so they both get out of the car. she's pregnant, and he gets in her face and is threatening to hit her after she calls him a dummy. then an armed cab driver comes up to protect her and the guy tries to play victim real fast.

and the one who gets threatening phone calls and their house vandalized after this video...is the mother?! That's probably the point where I should mention the aggressor was white, and the mother is Black, and this is Florida - and then it makes sense.

https://www.liveleak.com/view?t=aPm4c_1536365329

https://www.wesh.com/article/neighbors-upset-about-florida-man-doing-yard-work-in-the-nude/23324488

I came out Sunday night to put the trash out, and I look over and he is bent over, winding up his hose...

My local bar: https://www.channel3000.com/news/crime/mpd-man-who-caused-scene-exposed-himself-at-mickey-s-bar-attempts-to-swim-away-from-police/802533767

The wet man was not happy

Plainclothes police enter a shopping centre in a rural town, shoot a bird, and leave.
https://www.buzzfeed.com/hannahryan/police-shooting-magpies-lismore

Sometimes there is a presentation of some sort of news, that is so beautiful, and so odd, that you don’t even want to find out any more information than you’ve been given. For me, this was one of those moments.

"When you’re going down the pendulous breasts fly up like wings," said one organizer of the Skywhale hot air balloon's newest journey. "It's really got a life to itself." https://t.co/JchEHcCp3V
— The New York Times (@nytimes) October 18, 2018

What I see and what I know is that there’s a hot air balloon, shaped like a whale—and for some reason, a reason I will must never find out—the whale has a toupee of skinny breasts dangling off either side, that apparently float upwards as the balloon descends. Australia, thank you for this gift.

Woman gives it some classic "stand next to it and point at it for the photo" in this "wild ducks terrorise (and shit all over the sidewalk of) residential area" story: https://www.gva.be/cnt/dmf20190124_04129619/wilde-eenden-terroriseren-woonwijk

Is she a local councillor?

No, she lives in the area and complains about having to clean it up (and blames the council for feeding the wild ducks)

It's a classic local councillor pose, as immortalized in the fine Local councillors thread.

https://www.seattletimes.com/seattle-news/crime/tim-eyman-under-investigation-in-theft-of-70-chair-from-office-depot/