Depression and what it's really like

Maybe I can say that the hardest thing about my mental health is the impossibility I feel in identifying that line

caring about the wider world is supposed to be a good thing, but these days the only thing that comes of it is utter hopeless misery. if i was a selfish "i-got-mine" asshole i'd probably be fine, because i _do_ have mine.

it's really hard for me to establish a boundary between "myself" and the "wider world." not just because of the internet but that doesn't help. i feel scattered. maybe this is a thing to focus on.

also, i'm sorry to hear you're struggling so much rushomancy. it's true we live in really strange times. today my mom agreed with me that we have a "suicidal political and economic system." she is a devout catholic in her 50s who has never had an interest in radical politics.

My illness is taking hold of me right now after a series of minor frustrations this week. The only thing I want to do is withdraw from social obligations and distract myself with Youtube/Netflix.

As the days grow shorter and the light grows weaker, the wellbutrin is being put to its first real test. Also, reminder to self: do not drink AT ALL anymore. Even one beer makes me miserable on this stuff.

i'm trying to figure out if the internet has always been terrible for my mental health or if it's gotten worse (probably not an either/or). the more time i spend on the internet the worse i feel. i spent yesterday wandering around in the pouring rain and waiting in queues and it was still better for my state of mind than browsing the internet.

But would this also be true if the internet only consisted of Ilx and nothing else? What I want to say is there are different internets but unfortunately the totally commercial one which is indeed very depressing seems to hsve succeeded.

For those of you who have a voice telling you that you're worthless and a failure, is it in your "own" voice or is it an external voice? I hear the self-criticisms in my own voice, the consequence of which is that I have a really hard time not listening to it or disentangling it from my more grounded thoughts.

I think one thing for me that's tipped me into this current malaise is the accumulation of responsibilities of and assuming my place within a capital-driven society (seems you guys like talking about depression within this context), specifically how meaningless it feels and at the same time paralyzing.

reminder to self: do not drink AT ALL anymore

otm

the more time i spend on the internet the worse i feel

otm

xpost definitely my own voice, which is too bad because that same voice has omni-access to my thoughts and memories and is really, really good at coming up with specific reasons to make me feel bad

Does anyone here have a success story of how they clawed their way out of that? I guess I don’t hate myself that much because I REALLY would like to stop having those negative thoughts, feeling guilty, apologizing all the time when I didn’t do anything wrong. But it’s all I know.

I can’t lose more time to this.

i doubt my "borad persona" reflects this, but that sounds so much like me, dude.

personally, i had to find the right meds first. that drastically lowered the volume of those negative thoughts, gave me some stable ground. before meds, i never made any progress in therapy, i pretty much was just venting and crying every week...

um also i would recommend buddhism... but don't read too much without practicing or lagoon will get mad at you :)

sending hugs and e-chocolate to everyone <3

i'm never going to be all the way out of it because i am constitutionally a negative and guilty person but it has helped me to pick one thing and work on not doing it. ONLY one thing at a time. for a while that one thing was apologizing when i didn't do anything wrong. i'm a lot better about that one now.

Has anyone tried one of those online therapists like talkspace? I’m thinking about it. I know the consensus is to see an IRL therapist but I’d never go to the appointments so this is the next best option. I’m just wondering how legit they are.

I've started replacing my bad self talk with kinder voices at times, instead of mentally telling myself to fuck off, I try say instead, "you're alright, buddy". When anxiety gets realy bad I'll just reinforce to myself I can do whatever is stopping me; it's not a perfect science, but this change started with me realizing my self conception thoughts are often bullshit and to not always trust my mind.

sometimes i pick any other person in the room that i know doesn't hate me and remind myself "x thinks you are smart" or whatever

^ yeah, harbl, that's a good thing to do. it's often sad how we can't see our own worth, but so many others clearly do...work in progress

i made a new friend at work that has high anxiety and she thinks i'm super chill, so life can be weird...

people have told me before at moments where i felt like i was on fire that i appeared to be very relaxed. i have a not very expressive face though.

it's funny what tiny survival skills we all have. no one taught me these things.

you did :)

alan watts + meds + going to the doctor and being honest helped me... and twitter makes me feel exponentially worse, which is awful because i have a job where i sit around doing nothing for 5-6 hours a day and it's driving me insane. might tie into treeships post up there about capitalism... not especially heartening to read because i saw mark fisher and was like 'oh is that the guy who killed himself' and i looked him up and welp

it sounds corny but "getting in touch with the inner child" has been a big thing for me lately.. digging through the layers and finding/remembering that sense of peace and wonder.

also, again just personally, but learning to accept my body and uhh specifically the way i move... i have social anxiety issues, much of which stem i think from feeling that i don't present "masculine" enough.. just trying to accept myself rather than constantly kicking against the pricks being self-conscious/self-critical

but again, i know what it feels like to not even begin to know how to accept oneself! i'll probably get knocked down again somebody, nothing is forever

sorry for all the 'again's

Does anyone here have a success story of how they clawed their way out of that? I guess I don’t hate myself that much because I REALLY would like to stop having those negative thoughts, feeling guilty, apologizing all the time when I didn’t do anything wrong. But it’s all I know.

― Treeship

i wish i had an upbeat an healthy story for you, but i don't know. i'm paranoid, so i don't trust myself. i'm argumentative, so whenever i have a thought i argue with it. for a while religion helped, because it was an "external" voice that told me i was good, that told me i was worthwhile, that i couldn't argue with. if "god" loved me and told me i was good, even knowing there wasn't a "god" at least in the always-popular skyfather sense, who was i to argue? but i stopped trusting in religion, and as much as i can argue with the negative thought patterns, they're endlessly creative, in every sense my exact equal, and the bottom line is that i don't like or love myself very much (again), which limits things.

i rarely (ever?) post itt because i have a very cyclical (hormonal) relationship with depressive thoughts -- however, i do have some positive experience edging myself away from negative self-talk. i had to do some deep searching to recognize where the negativity was coming from, and i finally realized it actually was NOT my own voice. for a long time i thought it was, and in bad moments it still sounds like that. still, once i recognized that it was the voice of an oppressor, i could tell it to stfu more directly and not let it dictate my feelings. after searching, i can pinpoint when it started and how it grew too. that helps to control it. i have a picture of myself from before this voice grew and i am constantly trying to get back to the place where that little person was. i keep the picture where i can see it (near my practice space) and look at it if i feel low. i'm a very object-oriented person so it helps to kind of have a totem? is that the right word? idk. it works for me most of the time, which is all i can hope for.

As far as there is a voice (I'm not sure I can really count it as a voice necessarily) it is mine, but one thing I did sort of get from CBT is I sometimes if I can get into a more objective state is to (pretend it's the Beatles and) tell it to fuck off. It generally doesn't help a great deal but sometimes it works.

when it started and how it grew

oblivion

not for me
everyone's different

i have a pretty cyclical relationship with depressive thoughts too, for the record. i'm feeling a lot better this week than i was last week. don't want to give anybody (including myself) the idea that i'm feeling as bad as i was last week literally all the time, because i'm not.

xp sorry, i wasn't talking about you, just riffing off yr post

it would be nice to know where from, when etc

glad you're feeling better rushomancy

this thread is no shame/no judgement, it's all good in here

:)

i go up and down like a bride's nightie, to quote John Shuttleworth

had to take an emergency flight this evening. so i didn't have time to think about how much i didn't want to go, which was helpful. as we took off and flew over the city it was very pretty and i thought to myself that this was a good place, maybe even exciting, and that i should do more things there and see more people and such

but when i get back i'll no doubt just stay in my room because it's simply too difficult

mine are always other people's voices, like multiple people, sometimes in magazine feature style with a series of voices/people all taking turns revealing how horrible I am in a well-structured article with somewhat New Yorker-style prose.

that must be so compelling

and time consuming! Coming up with the best bon mots to succinctly destroy myself is not an instantaneous process

of course, the therapeutic tactic is to mentally write the opposite stories ... with people talking about how I'm a worthwhile person etc

i find it easier just to apply ppl's existing hatreds to myself

One of the things that helped me overcome – or rather: attenuate – my longstanding depression was to accept that my feelings of worthlessness are not entirely predicated on personal failures. Existence is to blame far more than any of us is, which sounds like a cop-out – and when taken too far, it certainly is that – but it's also an oddly liberating thought because it helps direct one's anger toward something other than one's own self, implying that said self is actually valuable, be it only to a minimal extent. Insofar as we experience a structurally unjust, seemingly arbitrary world, there is value in acknowledging its shortcomings rather than pinning them all on our agency, which is far more limited than we like to admit. In sum, Beckettian compassion for our brokenness and a stoic/irony-laden outlook before the innumerable Trumps/Pozzos that riddle our world and strive to make a hell of it all – that's what makes things bearable (just barely) for me.

and time consuming! Coming up with the best bon mots to succinctly destroy myself is not an instantaneous process

― sarahell

my go-to response to everything is "i'm tired". it's not just a euphemism. one of the worst long-term effects of depression is that it's using my own brain to undermine me, and all that hard work it's doing to tell me i'm worthless is using energy i then don't have available for other things, like cooking dinner and so forth.

Feels like there was a time when I wasn't depressed and then something switched and there's no going back to happiness. Such a terrible feeling, the idea of not being able to fully beat something but instead realize you're now working with injury

I know the feeling man, but trust me you can feel good again

Xp I think about that a lot - how this is it, till I finally die, and I look at other people having fun and happy and productive lives and it’s pretty upsetting to realize that won’t ever be me again.

i don't know, i feel that's one of the biggest lies depression tries to sell. the illusion of permanence. at this point there's always going to be that shadow to any joy i experience, knowing that it will be temporary, knowing that the depression will come back (but not when), but it's really no different from death, which hits everybody. so i don't feel i'm that different from someone who hasn't had essentially lifelong depression.