Depression and what it's really like

can't tell when i really want to give up/quit things and when it's just a sympton of feeling shit. not sure what the difference is or if its important

Carpet Kaiser, I am just a random internet doofus, so feel free to disregard this. But I’m pretty sure that the heavy shit you’re trying to deal with is more than you should carry on your own. As a guy who’s benefitted from sharing the load w/ professionals, I highly recommend just *talking* this out with a neutral party as a way to help sort through a complicated situation.

Often I’ve found that just the act of verbalizing each of the complex strands of a tangled-misery mess helps to simplify my thinking... and in offloading my mental knots to a third party I’m able to free up some of the resources I need to process/solve the shit that’s at the root of my frustrations. This may not be the intended purpose of a therapist/counselor/what have you, but it is an off-label benefit.

Nothing wrong with anger, upset, sadness, etc., but when it is preventing you from functioning effectively at the tasks that sustain daily life then it is time to ask for assistance - even if temporary- just to give you a little pressure relief. Good luck.

soda otm

Thanks, soda. I was close to barfing up my words last night. The stuff I'm talking about here, I recklessly tore down my defenses to figure out ... I promised myself I'd solve my problems with my own two hands, and I inadvertently stumbled on some pretty fucked up shit!

I survived in the past because of these complex defenses... I really had no idea what I was getting into. This is some seriously overwhelming stuff.

Unfortunately, I"m not in a position to talk to a professional now, because I have to find a new job immediately. The one I'm at now is just way too unhealthy for me, and it's the last thing I need in this state I'm in.

So I gotta somehow find that good ol' inner fury and determination that got me this far in the first place.

Shit, I have no fucking idea how the hell I made it this far. I am one clever motherfucker. Every day it feels like I'm cat, and I don't know how close I am to my last life... every day feels like it's my last.

This isn't a fun way to live life. And tonight I have to spill my own blood yet again to find the strength to simply survive, and for what???? I don't think I've had a single good day in my life. What a nuts existence this is.

Anyway... guess I better get to work. Thank you all for listening to my crazy bullshit.

Sincerely best of luck in your search, carpet_kaiser; sounds as though almost anywhere will be better for your mind than your current job

Thanks, you better believe it. Never realized this job is fucking me up even worse... The owner is a Wall Street gangster, and his ego is more important than making money at this point. He's not unlike the people in my family, fucking around with my head, jealous of me... and I'm not saynig that from my own ego, a lady co-worker said to him, "Are you jealous of carpet_kaiser?!? HAHAHAAHA" Etc.

There's no way I'm going to win here, but I made it out of more complex labyrinths. I just need to do one of those lucky critical moves I've done before... and somehow find some place for me, which I don't think exist at this point. Whatever! No point in feeling sorry for myself, I'm in my 30s, I'm going to be dead no matter what, IDGAF anymore.

I wish I was born a mediocre dumbass who wasn't good at anything, I'd be way better off than I am ... or dead, more likely.

The lesson here is no human being cares whether you live or die, and for their own benefit, they'll kill you no matter what you do. Life is a true wasteland devoid of anything we think we care about.

That's how it is for me, at least. The best of humanity are onlookers who do nothing to help except watch atrocities from their windows, surrounded by luxuries they were born with.

i care whether you live or die, man.

I was in a toxic job for 6 years and just got back into the workforce after 6 months. Quitting threw a massive twist on my life and it was pretty destitute for awhile. Carpet, look into employment resources where you are - i did that and was able to find more avenues to getting back to work, and honestly I needed the support and encouragement. I know how crushing it is to feel stuck in a job and that throwing it away will make it hard to survive. Best wishes, hope you can find something that works for you

Thanks, Ross. There are no employment resources... where do you think I live, Shangri-La? I'm in 2017 America, baby.

My only option is surviving by the law of the jungle. That's how it goes here, and I know how to play it, so it could be worse, I guess...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rcXh7SIB76A

For any non-Americans, the first 2.5 minutes of this captures pretty well what life on the ground here in America feels like. It's fun times. If you make the wrong move, you're literally dead, unless you got mommy and daddy to help you.

Yeah, sorry again... I need to stop drinking beer after work and apply for new jobs. I'm going to self-ban myself from this thread until I find a better one.

Things have been going very badly for me lately - badly enough that I am posting about it here even though I really don't feel very safe doing so, for reasons I don't feel there's any point in getting into here.

A lot of somnolescence. Sleeping 12 hours a night on a fairly regular basis. Mornings are bad but things steadily get worse throughout the day, so that by the time I'm home from work I'm a completely miserable shambles and probably deranged. Even just looking at other people feels like being stabbed. I guess you could say I am sensitive.

Work usually helps, but this whole week has been overshadowed by an extremely unpleasant episode I don't wish to say more about on the public internet, but which has significantly worsened my mood and my functioning, with probable long-term implications.

Occasionally still try to do "enjoyable" things, because I am not after all truly anhedonic. Went to a harpsichord concert. It was sublime, but in the end not enough to drive ever-present despair out of my mind. Such experiences disincline me to go out of my way to seek "enjoyable" experiences, as they seem not to repay the effort necessary. There's a convention I would theoretically enjoy quite a bit going on downtown this weekend, and I'm honestly not sure whether I can be bothered.

Therapy is mostly argument. My therapist wants me to be better, which I interpret as rejection of who I am now. Had to cancel my other therapist this week due to sudden illness and haven't heard back about rescheduling, which I also take as rejection, even though I shouldn't.

My former humanism has gone around the bend fully to anti-humanism. I still treat all people as having fundamentally equal value - I just now treat that value as being intrinsically negative. The implications of this I leave as an exercise for the reader. Not only is it negative, but my opinion of humanity, and by extension myself, as a human, worsens by the day.

I have been, all this year, totally bereft of all hopes save one, which is that death, which is after all inevitable, will come for me sooner, rather than later. It's a relative thing, and knowing that I will in the end get what I want (by which time, probably, I will no longer want it, people being fickle in their desires) only just makes continuing to live bearable.

no smart answers to that rush but warm wishes for change <3

yep

was a fan of your RYM account even before you started posting here fyi - you're a good presence and we certainly appreciate you

It’s been said before, but it’s striking how many of the best, most thoughtful, seemingly even-tempered posters end up on this thread.

I guess in a way it’s good for me, a depressive, to see that people I respect struggle with the same things.

But mainly I feel depressed about it. I don’t know how we’ve made a world that makes human beings — funny, articulate human beings at that — feel “worthless.” I think a lot about Mark Fisher’s “Capitalist Realism,” and his contention that the epidemic amount if mental health problems we are facing now — especially depression, anxiety, and ADD, my personal trifecta — have a social and pikiticla root as well as a medical one. The internet, as a largely corporate controlled environment, created by advertisters to manipulate your emotions and attention, seems increasingly like a barrier to mental wellness. I know that I have over the past five years largelt lost the capacity to just be alone with my own mind. When I say that I am feeling “better” it usually just means I am more effectively distracted. Not just by the phone — I’ve gotten mxied up in some shameful behavior recently due to my need for distraction and inability to be alone.

Some of these issues — distractions, being able to live with oneself — are really old philosophical problems so not to do with modern society. But my difficulty in these areas has made it hard for me recently to really support myself or have the kind of life I want. I crave a calmer, more deliberate existence but I am running always to the opposite, because quiet, taking a real stock of myself and what I need to do, is terrifying, as this is when the scary depressive thoughts can start creeping in. And they really are scary. Which brings me to my first point: Why does my mind want to undermine itself so badly? Why would a person hate themselves?

Sorry for the length of that post. I often feel uncomfortable postinf here because it seems like most posters here have a tougher lot than me. And I am unable to write about personal topics without veering off into some more abstract kind of speculative fog, which is usually ok on ilx

Also jesus the typos. I shouldn’t post on my phone.

my default take is aligned with Fisher's - it's not located inside us, it's a product of our feelings of disconnect with this specific iteration of socioeconomics. Love to you too Treesh

My default take is that some depressed people (like me) would still be depressed under a different socioeconomic system, and that maybe some people's depression/anxiety would be lessened, but some others' might be worse.

my default take is aligned with Fisher's - it's not located inside us, it's a product of our feelings of disconnect with this specific iteration of socioeconomics. Love to you too Treesh

― pulled pork state of mind (Noodle Vague)

I mean, OK, sure, maybe, but I'm not sure any of that matters. It only matters why I feel a certain way if it points towards something I can do to change how I feel. I honestly see no reason not to internalize a sense of powerlessness in the face of what's going on today.

Most of all I'm burdened by this sense of tremendous violent hatred towards many of my fellow human beings. What can I do with that? Not feel it? Not bloody likely. Externalize it? No, that's really not a good idea, and no good can possibly come of it. So I direct it inward. People tell me I don't need to "bear the burden", but SOMEBODY FUCKING DOES, and if I can't make the people who _ought_ to bear it do so...

sorry, I'm not suggesting it's binary. My biggest pain feels existential rather than political. But I feel like I live in a world set up to crush me more than protect me and that this feeling is not just my malfunction.

Maybe I can say that the hardest thing about my mental health is the impossibility I feel in identifying that line

caring about the wider world is supposed to be a good thing, but these days the only thing that comes of it is utter hopeless misery. if i was a selfish "i-got-mine" asshole i'd probably be fine, because i _do_ have mine.

it's really hard for me to establish a boundary between "myself" and the "wider world." not just because of the internet but that doesn't help. i feel scattered. maybe this is a thing to focus on.

also, i'm sorry to hear you're struggling so much rushomancy. it's true we live in really strange times. today my mom agreed with me that we have a "suicidal political and economic system." she is a devout catholic in her 50s who has never had an interest in radical politics.

My illness is taking hold of me right now after a series of minor frustrations this week. The only thing I want to do is withdraw from social obligations and distract myself with Youtube/Netflix.

As the days grow shorter and the light grows weaker, the wellbutrin is being put to its first real test. Also, reminder to self: do not drink AT ALL anymore. Even one beer makes me miserable on this stuff.

i'm trying to figure out if the internet has always been terrible for my mental health or if it's gotten worse (probably not an either/or). the more time i spend on the internet the worse i feel. i spent yesterday wandering around in the pouring rain and waiting in queues and it was still better for my state of mind than browsing the internet.

But would this also be true if the internet only consisted of Ilx and nothing else? What I want to say is there are different internets but unfortunately the totally commercial one which is indeed very depressing seems to hsve succeeded.

For those of you who have a voice telling you that you're worthless and a failure, is it in your "own" voice or is it an external voice? I hear the self-criticisms in my own voice, the consequence of which is that I have a really hard time not listening to it or disentangling it from my more grounded thoughts.

I think one thing for me that's tipped me into this current malaise is the accumulation of responsibilities of and assuming my place within a capital-driven society (seems you guys like talking about depression within this context), specifically how meaningless it feels and at the same time paralyzing.

reminder to self: do not drink AT ALL anymore

otm

the more time i spend on the internet the worse i feel

otm

xpost definitely my own voice, which is too bad because that same voice has omni-access to my thoughts and memories and is really, really good at coming up with specific reasons to make me feel bad

Does anyone here have a success story of how they clawed their way out of that? I guess I don’t hate myself that much because I REALLY would like to stop having those negative thoughts, feeling guilty, apologizing all the time when I didn’t do anything wrong. But it’s all I know.

I can’t lose more time to this.

i doubt my "borad persona" reflects this, but that sounds so much like me, dude.

personally, i had to find the right meds first. that drastically lowered the volume of those negative thoughts, gave me some stable ground. before meds, i never made any progress in therapy, i pretty much was just venting and crying every week...

um also i would recommend buddhism... but don't read too much without practicing or lagoon will get mad at you :)

sending hugs and e-chocolate to everyone <3

i'm never going to be all the way out of it because i am constitutionally a negative and guilty person but it has helped me to pick one thing and work on not doing it. ONLY one thing at a time. for a while that one thing was apologizing when i didn't do anything wrong. i'm a lot better about that one now.

Has anyone tried one of those online therapists like talkspace? I’m thinking about it. I know the consensus is to see an IRL therapist but I’d never go to the appointments so this is the next best option. I’m just wondering how legit they are.

I've started replacing my bad self talk with kinder voices at times, instead of mentally telling myself to fuck off, I try say instead, "you're alright, buddy". When anxiety gets realy bad I'll just reinforce to myself I can do whatever is stopping me; it's not a perfect science, but this change started with me realizing my self conception thoughts are often bullshit and to not always trust my mind.

sometimes i pick any other person in the room that i know doesn't hate me and remind myself "x thinks you are smart" or whatever

^ yeah, harbl, that's a good thing to do. it's often sad how we can't see our own worth, but so many others clearly do...work in progress

i made a new friend at work that has high anxiety and she thinks i'm super chill, so life can be weird...

people have told me before at moments where i felt like i was on fire that i appeared to be very relaxed. i have a not very expressive face though.

it's funny what tiny survival skills we all have. no one taught me these things.

you did :)

alan watts + meds + going to the doctor and being honest helped me... and twitter makes me feel exponentially worse, which is awful because i have a job where i sit around doing nothing for 5-6 hours a day and it's driving me insane. might tie into treeships post up there about capitalism... not especially heartening to read because i saw mark fisher and was like 'oh is that the guy who killed himself' and i looked him up and welp

it sounds corny but "getting in touch with the inner child" has been a big thing for me lately.. digging through the layers and finding/remembering that sense of peace and wonder.

also, again just personally, but learning to accept my body and uhh specifically the way i move... i have social anxiety issues, much of which stem i think from feeling that i don't present "masculine" enough.. just trying to accept myself rather than constantly kicking against the pricks being self-conscious/self-critical

but again, i know what it feels like to not even begin to know how to accept oneself! i'll probably get knocked down again somebody, nothing is forever