ILX Screenwriters Presents 'It was all Yello: The Coldwerk Sessions'

Hahahahaha

Jeez guys slow down, some of us have jobs.

Sorry, I thought he left the stage at the end of Jon L's scene... I don't know the dude, so I had no idea what to do with him.

Also, I offer anyone more familiar with Billy Mackenzie than I am to write the scene with him and Kraftwerk.

Chris: Thank you, but I will be meeting somebody here.

Dieter: I'm sure she will be along soon. Until then, sit with us. Have a non-metric beverage, I mean, pint of your choice. We will keep you company while you wait for her.

Chris [perplexed]: How did you know that I am meeting a woman?

Dieter: [flustered, realizing his mistake] Oh, well of course, good chap, of course you are meeting a woman ... you are obviously a strapping young lad, I'm sure you pull all of the best birds.

Chris: Well, OK, just one drink.

[Dieter signals to the server, who promptly brings the beer]

Boris [aside to Dieter]: That was close, good job of keeping your wits about you

Dieter [aside to Boris]: Yes, I believe he is in our hands now.

Dieter [to Chris]: Now, let us dispense with the idle chatter. We know why you are here. We heard your homage to us, and we like it. We like you. We want to help you.

Chris: I'm afraid I don't understand you.

Dieter: Of course, you are shy, this is understandable! We are not like most electronic music pioneers on the continent, we are down to earth, we are like you, we are men of the pub! We may appear to be men of stature, but we are not! Look at the Hives, for instance! These suits, our manner of grooming, it is a costume, a game. Pop music is a game, and we want to play it with you and your friends.

We received your message, your cry for help. We saw the video on MTV Europe, and it moved us -- such a heartfelt tribute. But you know as well as I do that you are capable of more. Together, we can transform your masses-pandering wimp-ballardy into a true hit! We received your call -- we considered it a summons -- and the sooner we get down to work, the sooner you and your bandmates come under our control, er, tutelage, the sooner the quality of both our art and our lives will improve.

Chris: I'm getting the fuck out of here [runs for the door]

Dieter [to Boris]: Hmm ... I had a feeling that my words might provoke this reaction. Boris -- now!!

[Boris switches on his voice channeler -- the same one they used to lure Chris to the cafe in the first place -- and begins speaking. He speaks in a perfect imitation of Gwyneth Paltrow's voice]

Boris: No, Chris, come back. They want to help you. Stay here with these nice men. Me and Apple want you to stay here with them.

[Chris pauses, clearly transfixed by the voice. He is in a hypnotic state]

Chris: Yes, oogums. Of course.

Dieter: Success! He is ours now. Everything is working perfectly so far. Come, we must check on faux-Billy at the Kling Klang studio.

(scene: Boris, with Dieter in the passenger seat of the Yello Smart Car, driving in a very fast and dangerous fashion to Kling Klang. Music: ‘I Love You’. But just as we sense excitement and action afoot, there is a subtle slide in mood. In a cinematic move reminiscent of The Beatles’ movie Magical Mystery Tour, when Paul is sitting on the bus staring out of the window, about to sing ‘Fool On The Hill, the camera pans over to Dieter, looking dreamily out at the passing cars, in a world of his own, oblivious to Boris’s absurdly risk-taking driving. We sense he is dreaming, far away. Through a gigantic reverb, we hear the strains of the Coldpay classic, ‘Yellow’, coming over the horizon. As it meets its maximum volume we are suddenly transported through the most ironically gimleted eye of Dieter (his left one). We are suddenly in the world of a video clip for the song that exists only in his imagination.

Look at the stars; look how they shine for you
And everything you do
Yeah, they were all yellow

(visuals: Chris Martin is on what looks like a 1930’s/art deco movie set. In the background are Dieter and Boris, elegantly besuited, in a statue pose which, like Kraftwerk, they ripped off long ago from Gilbert & George. Boris has his hand in his suit jacket; the other holds a small black chiuwawa, tethered by an elegant leash. Chris wears a painted clown face and suit, and a red nose, with ginger wig. He does not sing but acts out the feelings in the lyrics, gazing yearningly up at a painted backdrop of the sky with gold tin foil stars.)

I came along; I wrote a song for you

(visuals: Chris Martin, as clown, in an archetypal composer’s setting at piano, with a framed photo of Gwyneth Paltrow on top posed as a 1930's starlet. The clown is pasting lagre yellow semi quavers into an even larger, yellow, blank music stave book)

And all the things you do
And it was called yellow

(visuals: Chris Martin/clown, obviously unhappy with his creative efforts, crumples up the huge stave book and tosses it over his shoulder, where, floating up from below (for we suddenly see that the composing studio is on a wooden, painted white cloud high up in the eves of a theatre), in a hot air balloon/waste paper basket, appear Dieter and Boris, with angels wings attached to their suits. They catch the crumpled composition book. Boris sprinkles it with glittering angel dust, and it is suddenly uncrumpled and aglow. Given new life, it flutters up to the ceiling and out through a skylight, through which pure white light pours. As the song fades back into reverb, the camera pans up into the night sky above the theatre and we see Boris and Dieter on a wooden, painted a cloud, in statue/hero pose, training a huge 1930’s style floodlight upon the composition book, which takes to the night sky and flies away, into the horizon, reborn as it were; and becomes the star at the very apex of a gigantic wedding cake, hovering over a bride and groom: Gwyneth Paltrow and Dieter Meier. Suddenly the camera zooms in on Dieter’s more gimleted eye and goes right through into the real world. The reverie is over. Boris applies the brakes; we have arrived at Kling Klang Studios.)

Ralf [slamming down the phone]: You'd think that more companies would still carry GE Model 2948 vacuum tubes from 1975, but you'd be wrong.

Florian: Ralf, the synth patches from that sythesizer have never been bettered. The sounds are archaic but they are classic. Do not be frustrated, it will be worth it in the end.

Ralf: I know.

Florian: Tell me, Ralf, have you noticed anything strange about Mr. Martin today?

Ralf: He seems fine to me.

Florian: I have my doubts. For instance, he keeps talking about the year 1997. Yesterday, we were compiling a database of samples from "Music has the Right to Children", but this morning, he seemed confused -- it's as if he had never heard those samples or that album before.

Ralf: I think he is having a hard time with the language barrier here in Germany. It is stressing him out.

Florian: Ja, you are right. He needs his rest. Excuse me, I must head to the restroom.

[Florian slowly walks toward the restroom. His head is bowed, he is exhausted from working overtime in the Kling Klang studios to obtain some semblance of worthwhile music from the collaboration. He hadn't worked so much overtime since the "Computer World" sessions. As he shuts the door to the restroom behind him, he looks up and sees an amazing sight.

[It is Holger Czukay, lit from behind by a bright white light, it is almost as though he is glowing. He is wearing a long, flowing white cape, and is adorned with flower wreaths and flashy jewelery. Is is eerily reminiscent of the ghost of Christmas Present. His hair is purple, with his greying hair magically replaced by curly locks. He is laughing and eating from a bowl of seedless grapes.]

Florian [rubbing his eyes]: Holger, is that you?

Holger: Achtung, Florian, achtung! A famous philosopher once warned that imminently, bad moon would rise.

Florian: What? Here?

Hahahahahahaha. (All of this is totally amazing)

Billy [speaking to himself]: O ye cruel, cruel Goddesses! Why did you bestow upon me such a black, such a joyless fate? To be summoned from the sweet embrace of Hades back to this colourless world, lacking a true soul and possessing only a synthesized replacement. And, on top of that, having to act as a pawn in some elabourate scheme cooked up by those wily, more-crooked-than-a-cuckoo-clock Swissmen, Dieter and Boris! And yet I have to succumb to their will, for they have promised me the one thing my artificial heart desires. But why, oh why, do I feel so wrong? Those gentlemen, those gentle men of the Kraftwerk have been so hospitable towards me, and still I have to betray them! O Heavens! Is there no way out of this trap?

Billy [raises his gaze towards the sky, begins to sing]:Show me the waaaaaayyyyyyyyy...!!!

[The voice of Billy Mackenzie rises to his renowned falsetto and, strengthened by his anguish, above. The coffee mugs, the glass tubes, the windows of Kling Klang begin to tremble. The roof lamp of the coffee room shatters.]

Boris: Dieter?

Dieter: Hmmm?

Boris: I was thinking of something. If I remember correctly, old Billy was always straight as an arrow. What makes you so sure he'll do as we command? What if he has a stroke of conscience and decides to tell on us to der Kraftwerk?

Dieter: That will not happen. I have a way of pulling his strings.

Boris: You do? What is it?

Dieter: Think about it... If you were to die in the midst of recording of what was to be your final LP, if you then were to be brought back to life, only to learn that the LP was completed and released posthumously, what would your gravest wish be?

Boris: I don't get it... No, maybe I do! You wouldn't have...

Dieter [opens the glove department]: I would, and I did. Here are the master tapes.

Boris: You mad genius!

[End of Tarantinoesque cut.]

Florian: Ralf.

Ralf: Yes?

Florian: I feel I may have witnessed a somewhat distressing apparition. It was...

[Florian stops mid-sentence when a falsetto voice is heard through the walls. The voice grows louder and louder. The windows of the studio start to vibrate. A small crack appears into the glass Florian's holding.]

Ralf and Florian [shouting]: Der Überblitzigheitsynthesizer-mini!

[The two men jump on both sides of the syntesizer to protect its delicate vacume tubes from the sound with their bodies. After a few seconds, the falsetto singing stops.]

Florian [looks at the synthesizer]: Is it...?

Ralf: It appears to be unharmed.

Ralf and Florian: Whew!

Florian: Something rather out of ordinary seems to be taking place around Kling Klang.

Ralf: It would seem so. Perhaps we should investigate...

Chris: Darling, I really can't see the point of wearing this thing. Shouldn't we...

Boris [interrupts, with Gwyneth's voice]: Shh, love! It's a surprise, you'll soon find out.

Chris: A surprise? Golly!

Dieter [looks out of the car window, then whispers to Boris]: Boris! Look! There in the shadows...

[Gwyneth Paltrow is walking towards Kling Klang. With her right arm, she is carrying baby Apple, with the left, a large neo-expressionist painting.]

Gwyneth [to herself]: I wonder what those nice bicycle fellows think of my idea for the record cover... True, I haven't painted for ten years... but they are fellow artists, they must understand that when insipiration strikes, you shouldn't resist it.

Dieter [to Boris, whispering]: Perfect! Perfect! Everything is going right according to my plans. Let's set the wheels in motion!

Czukay and Peron will make their return cameos, obviously.

-- Tuomas

Yes please Tuomas!

[as the scene begins, Flur is about to play back a vocal track that he has just recorded a few minutes earlier]

FLOWER SONG VII

Wolfgang[voice heard in vocal track]:

The flowers I adore!
Red and blue and green
Such beautiful objects
The prettiest I have seen!

Oh I adore the flowers
Their colours shine like crystal
If you will be my stamen
Then I will be your pistil

Wolfgang[speaking]: No, it is not right. The song doesn't work well with my voice -- it is not even anatomically correct! Why will Peaches not return my phone calls? Ralf and Florian's lawyers must have gotten through to her before I did -- they have told her to stay away, that is the only explanation. Why must they treat me this way and undermine my creativity?

[the phone rings, and Wolfgang answers]

Wolfgang: Hello?

[Dieter's voice is heard on the other line]

Dieter: Dearest Wolfgang, upstanding lover of the finest women and dance music, upholder of the electronic pop vanguard, kind soul and heartfelt human being, appreciator of the high arts, man of pan-European civility and grace, how are you my friend?

Wolfgang: Dieter Meier, can it be? All the same to you good sir, it has been so long!

Dieter: Too long, my gentle servant, too long.

Wolfgang: To what do I owe this phone call?

Dieter: Dearest Wolfgang, must there be a reason to speak with a man of excellence such as yourself?

Wolfgang: Oh, I suppose not. Dieter, you flatter me so.

Dieter: Although in this particular instance I have called to ask a favour of you. I may be requiring your assistance in a particular business matter during the following week.

Wolfgang: Next week? My sincerest apologies, for next week is booked solid for me. I am presently holed away until the Yamo album is finished. You know I would do anything to help you if it were possible, but in this instance, my songs must take precedence.

Dieter: This is no ordinary business matter. Also, it is not necessarily certain that we will be needing you, I think of your aid in this matter as more of an insurance policy.

Wolfgang: Still, I am afraid it will not be possible.

Dieter: Have I mentioned that this involves your former friends -- nay, acquaintances -- nay, employers in Kraftwerk.

Wolfgang [aside to audience]: He is correct, of course. They were never my friends. Their only friends are their dark, uncaring hearts. I served them so well, I brought them to discos, I showed them how to party. And what did I receive? I was served by the cold arms of the law -- their lawyers, to be precise. Fortunately, is the coldest dish of all, even colder than their frigid, cavernous souls.

Wolfgang [on the phone to Dieter]: I am available. If you need me, do not hesitate to call.

[16-voice sythesizer chorus]:

Oh, those tricky Swiss! The plot thickens into a fondue-like state. Can this plan succeed?

Fortunately, revenge is the coldest dish of all, even colder than their frigid, cavernous souls.

Boris [calling through the voicebox, with Chris's voice]: Gwyneth! Pumpkin pie!

Chris: What was that? It almost sounded like...

Boris [with Gwyneth's voice]: It was nothing, love, I was just, er, practicing my imitation skills...

Chris: That was wonderful, my respect for you as an actor just keeps on growing!

[Gwyneth walks to the car, summonded by Boris's call. Dieter opens the back door.]

Dieter: Would you please step inside the car, madam.

Gwyneth: Chris? What's this? Why are you wearing that thing?

Chris: Oh, it's nothing, honey, you told me yourself it was a surprise.

Gwyneth: Did I? Gee, sounds cool! I love surprises!

Dieter: Yes, and a fine surprise it shall be! Would be kind enough to wear one of these as well [hands Gwyneth a bindfold] not ruin the surprise.

Gwyneth: Sure. [Puts the blinfold on.] But what about Apple? I can't see her now.

Dieter: There's no need to worry about your child, madam, I'll take care of her for the duration of our trip. If you just hand her over...

Gwyneth: Oh. Sure. [Hands baby Apple to Dieter.] You sound like such a trustworthy man.

Dieter: And I shall assure you I won't break your trust. Boris, start the engine!

[The car rolls off.]

Ralf: Mr. Martin! Did you hear that sound? [Looks at the broken lamp.] What happened to our lighting?

Billy: Uh... Sound, what sound? I didn't hear anything? I was just, er, enjoying my daily hour in the dark.

Ralf: Daily hour in the dark?

Florian [aside to Ralf]: You know those pop stars...

[Ralf and Florian shake their heads.]

Ralf: Well, something is amiss in here. Perhaps outside the studio...

[The sound of a car engine starting and tires screeching is heard through the walls. Ralf and Florian run outside just in time to witness the car of Boris and Dieter driving off. Ralf pulls out of his pocket a small gadget that looks like a modified calculator, points it at the car and pushes a couple of buttons.]

Florian: Am I completely wrong if I say that the blonde woman on the backseat appeared to be the wife of our singer?

Ralf: No, I think you're right. And the moustached gentleman holding the fruit child...

Florian: ...looked exactly like Dieter Meier. And the fellow beside him must've been Boris Blank.

[They look at each other.]

Ralf: I guess you must understand what these occurences imply to...?

Florian: I think I do.

Ralf: Did you manage to notice who the other person on the backseat was?

Florian: No, he was left in the shadows. What about you, did you get the readings out of the car?

Ralf: Of course I did, dumkopf, I can be speedy enough if the situation so necessitates.

Florian: I did not mean to doubt that. Well, at least we have something to work with. I guess we have little choice but to do as any decent person would do, in a situation like this.

Ralf: Yes, you are right. But first we must inform poor Mr. Martin about this unfortunate state of things.

[The pair walks inside the studio, where they find Billy.]

Florian: Mr. Martin! I fear we have some terrible news for you. Your wife has been, so we think, kidnapped by the dadaist electropop duo Yello from Switzerland.

Billy: My wife...? But... Ah, yes, my wife! Didn't I, er, also have a child, what about the child?

Ralf: Yes, it would seem that the child is in their hands as well.

Billy [to himself]: Boris and Dieter, exactly how far are you willing to go? [To Ralf and Florian:] Oh dear, what devastating tidings! Poor Gwyneth and... uh... Pear!

Ralf: There is no need for desperation. You should get yourself properly dressed, we have a plan...

Felicity (Bronx drawl):

Damn, Merril, just take the call already!

Peaches:

See I'm the kind of girl who works with the best
Dressed or undressed, they gotta pass the test
I smoke a ciggy with Iggy or a cone with Joan
An ex-Kraftwerk drummer, out on his own?
Damn it girl, just hang up the phone!

Felicity:

This ain't that Fluhr guy, Merril! It's your father. Damn, just take the call!

Peaches:

It's daddy?? (she accepts the handset)

Rabbi Nisker:

Merril? My little babk? How are you princess, are eating properly? Ruth and I worry about you. Berlin is a dangerous place, full of moral degerates!

Merril:

I'm fine daddy, I just released a new album, everything's going great!

Rabbi Nisker:

This is more of that folk music? Why did you give up the violin?

(folio: female voice in background: 'She played that violin like an angel!').

That's your mother - Ruth, speak to your daughter already!

(folio: female voice in background: 'Ask her, did she get the gefilte fish package I gave to Lottsie?')

Ask her yourself aready! Merril, are you still playing that folk music??

Peaches:

Sure... sure dad. I'm still playing that folk music.

Rabbi Nisker:

What's that? Hang on... (folio: muffled voices) Your mother wants to know what your album's called so she can look out for it and tell her friends.

Peaches:

It's called... it's called Father Lover.

Rabbi Nisker:

Father Lover? What kind of a name is that?

(scene fades with camera lingering on Felicity Publicity's face, as she chews gum and shakes her head)

Or maybe a cliffhanger in the Swiss alps?

Eventually, Kraftwerk figure out what is going on (perhaps after another couple of days with Billy/Chris) and will take off in pursuit (they are conflicted: glad to be rid of Chris, but knowing they must do the right thing and save him). Once they figure it all out, Dieter dispatches Wolfgang to intercept them, with Peaches following Wolfgang (hoping to get the collaboration over with), and eventually everyone meets up at the video shoot (which could very well be in the Swiss alps), and shit goes down.

I'm not trying to dictate the storyline, that's just the general arc that popped into my head. Anyone who wants to vary it should feel free to do so.

Any resemblance to James Bonds OHMSS is purely coincidence.

(x-post)

At some point Kraftwerk with their fake Chris are in the studio having an argument while their synths bubble and chug away in the background. Florian begins to bob his knee to the beat, Ralf taps one finger and slowly their fight dissolves away as they all succumb to the beat. They have finally found their hit and we see a musical montage of the three dancing around like robots. Cut to the Yello studio where Boris, Dieter and the real Chris are having the same moment. We hear a different song but at the same key and tempo which cuts in seamlessly with the Kraftwerk song.

Cut from a shot of the Yello studio to the same shot viewed on a video monitor. Slow move back to reveal an entire bank of screens monitoring different studios and a wall full of reel-to-reel machines slowly turning and red lights blinking. The screens and other equipment seem to be recessed into a rock wall as though we're in some kind of subterranean grotto. Pull back further to reveal a shadowy figure sitting at the recording console with his back to the camera. He begins to chuckle to himself while puffing up plumes of smoke. As the chuckle rises into manaical laughter he stops abruptly, presses an intercom button and orders in a thick Swiss accent: "We have a hit. You will print up the album covers now."

(interior of a record store one week later)

Boris and Dieter have let Chris out of the studio for a break. He wears a big curly wig and dark sunglasses as a disguise and is followed closely by a bodyguard/captor. As he browses through the records he stops at an end display and picks a prominently displayed album. We see a close-up of the cover which features photos of Chris, Ralf & Florian, Yello, Bjork and Aphex Twin and reads "The Cold Cosmic Players." Chris, visibly angry flips the album over and reads outloud "production von Rolf-Ulrich Kaiser." In a blind rage and still clutching the album he bolts from the store, sets off the security alarm and is chased by the bodyguard.

cut to...

(interior, RU Kaiser's underground lair, Brazil)
Still sitting in his chair behind the console, Kaiser is watching his surveillance monitors when one of his lackeys (a young woman in a glittery silver jumpsuit) enters...
Cosmic Lackey - "Sir, The Cold Cosmic Players have reached number one"
Kaiser (grinning) - Inform me at once when the first checks begin to come in. I can feel it. The day is drawing near. The galaxy's ultimate boy band... so long in the shadows.... waiting to be born... my glorious vision will rise at last!
Kaiser swivels around in his chair and does another evil laugh. The camera whips up to reveal several large glass jars mounted in the wall under a sign reading "DNA Samples." The jars are labelled with names like Manuel Gšttsching and Klaus Schulze. The wall is papered over with blueprints of scientific equipment along with costume designs and hairstyle sketches for a boy band. Six large pre-teen boy sized chambers sit empty and glow with a pulsing light.

Peaches was just a little cameo. I don't know whether she needs to complicate the story line. Perhaps she could reappear right at the very end as another little comic sequence, being chased around Berlin Benny Hill style, by Wolfgang or something. We'll see.

I think you'd have to be a physics professor to make this work - but don't forget, we have one! Barry, you must lead.

[Florian, Ralf and Billy are in a minivan. The back seats have been removed in order to make room for the Uberblitzigheitsynthesizer-mini and some other antiquated recording equipment. Florian is driving, with Ralf and Billy sitting on cushions in the back, boxed in by large piles of wires and black boxes. Billy is starting solemnly out of the window, frowning at the countryside. Ralf is hard at work fixing things]

Ralf: There, it should finally be operational now.

Florian: Ralf, all of this equipment is weighing us down.

Ralf: That is why I brought the mini. It weighs only 450 kg, almost half that of the standard model!

Florian: Why did you not bring the Uberblitzigheitsynthesizer-ubermini, you know, the one which you modified for transport via bicycle? It weighs a mere 100 kg!

Ralf: Bah, it doesn't have enough memory to store the waveforms we will need on this trip. 64kb will not be enough, but synthesizer gives us 512kb, which is plenty!

Billy: Why must we work? Can we not just drive?

[Ralf and Florian burst out laughing]

Florian: Hahahaha, not work! Yes, very amusing, Mr. Martin. That is the funniest thing you have said in many days.

Ralf: Of course, we must keep our regular working hours, even on the road. We must get this album over with, er, I mean, finished.

[Billy sighs]

Florian: Anyhow, due to all of the weight, the minivan will not travel faster than 90 km/h! They will gain considerable time on us. By my calculations, given their head start plus the difference in the speed of our vehicles, they will reach the Swiss Alps a full three days before we do!

Billy: Their speed? How do you know their speed? And how will we possibly find them once we arrive?

Ralf: Following a recent incident involving your daughter tampering with our equipment, Florian implanted a tracking device in her inner ear. That way, we could constantly keep track of her whereabouts in order to avoid further destruction.

Florian: Yes, we know exactly where to find them. What we lack in speed, we can make up with the element of surprise, since they have no idea that we are following them.

Ralf: OK, Mr. Martin, it's now time to record.

Billy: Must we sing?

Florian: He's right, Ralf, it is 10:30 -- time for our pre-determined coffee break. I will stop the minivan.

Billy: Oh dear.

Chris: Where are we going, honey?

Gwyneth: No talking, dear, just touching.

Chris: Oh boy!

[Dieter and Boris talk between themselves, so that Chris and Gwyneth cannot hear]

Dieter: They suspect nothing.

Boris [staring at blinking light on the dashboard]: Wait, poor Billy Mackenzie's tracking sensor is indicating significant motion. At such speeds, he must be in a moving vehicle. Could they be following us?

Dieter: It can't be!

Boris: Somebody must have warned them that something was amiss. But who?

Dieter: Regardless, it doesn't matter -- we shall rendez-vous with the Yelloball in a couple of hours, and it will transport us instantly to our final destination. Let them drive to Switzerland if they must, they will be several days behind, and even if they do eventually find us, by that time it will be too late!

Boris: Still, I am concerned. Perhaps we should place a call to Herr Flur before we reach the Yelloball.

Dieter: No, we need not disturb Herr Flur at this time. Everything is still well under control. Now if you'll excuse me, I must return to my thoughts

[Dieter returns to hs thoughts of the upcoming video shoot ...]

(Yes, I know it doesn't take six days to drive from Dusseldorf to the Swiss Alps, even with a minivan that tops out at 90 km/h*. But we need time to let the two branches of the story develop.)

Peaches was just a little cameo. I don't know whether she needs to complicate the story line

She doesn't, as long as we establish a reason for her to be present in the final scene, and tracking down Wolfgang (who will set out after Kraftwerk at some point, likely via a chartered plane) is an acceptable reason. Likewise, I envision one or two more Peron cameos, plus more appearances from Holger Czukay. He should appear in the final scene too, preferably as a Virgin Mary-esque apparition that is visible to the entire group (or maybe some of the group, but not others).

*even if Ralf and Florian drive for exactly eight hours per day, i.e. during their normal daily working hours

Don't worry, I'll correct these little mistakes in the unified edition. With your permission, I could also change the parts where you accidentally refer to Yello as being German ("Deutschland Sucht Den Superstar" = "Schweiz Sucht Den Superstar, or something to that effect).

Dieter: Now then, my good sir and madam, the surprise is not far.

Gwyneth: Oh goodie! I hope it involves ice cream!

Chris: Ice cream? Yay! I love you, baby!

Boris [singing silently to baby Apple with Gwyneth's voice]: Husch little Mädchen, don't say a word, Mutti's gonna by you a mockingbird... [Stops singing.] Such a sweet child! I do hope Dieter has taken account of her in his plan, otherwise...

[The group reaches a haystack on the side of the field. Dieter starts swiping off the hay and reveals the Yellotron, hidden inside the stack. He opens the door.]

Dieter: Now, if you would be kind enough to step inside.

[All four step inside the Yellotron, and Dieter closes the door. Lights begin to flash on its surface. Suddenly, a rugged figure jumps out of the nearby bushes and runs to the Yellotron. The figure grabs its side just before the lights reach their full luminosity. The Yellotron then disappears, taking the shady figure with it, and leaving only a pile of slightly burned hay behind.]

Ralf: There, I believe it is fifteen to eleven, and our established fifteen-minute break is over.

Florian: Yes, you are right. We can now start to record. Are you ready, Mr. Martin?

Billy [to himself]: Oh sweet Lord! I have no idea what to sing, this Martin fellow and his Coolplay weren't around yet when I last walked the planet. Slow as they may be, even Ralf and Florian must realize I'm an impostor once I open my voice. How will I ever get out of this mess? Heavens above, help me!

[Suddenly, a screeching cry is heard from above. It gets louder and louder, as the source of the voice nears the minivan. Ralf looks out of the window. Something is falling out of the skies, right towards the car. As that something gets closer, we see that it is a human figure.]

Ralf: Oh dear...

[With a loud crash the figure lands on top of the car.]

The figure: Ouch!

Okay, I won't change the first part, but I'll find a replacement word for "Teutonic" (I think it isn't suitable, since, later on, Yello refer to Kraftwerk as "Teutonic mayhem".)

Florian: He is starting to get on my nerves, Ralf. Will he ever stop?

Ralf: I admire his energy and his love for the music. He is exactly what we need in order to inject a spark into these recording sessions! Perhaps he will bring some life back to Mr. Martin's face. He has been so melancholy as of late.

Florian: Naturally, he is concerned about his wife and the fruit child. This is a normal reaction. But perhaps you are correct -- his presence may be benefical to the recordings. However, his added weight will decrease our top speed to 87.4 km/h.

Ralf: But I believe the increased quality of the recording sessions will more than make up for the time we lose on the journey.

Florian: Perhaps you are right. Once the album is finished, we will have to figure out what to do with him, but there is still lots of time to think about that.

Ralf: Correct. Come, let us clean up, it is now 12:57 ...