Caller: Hi, Miz-stress Mah-teese? My name is Aubert, I am visiting Seattle, and I wish to make ze—how you say?—ze appointment with you.
This caller's heavy French accent seems to add an extra syllable to every word, and it sounds like he's playing it up a little bit, trying to be all extra-sexy. But I've never been a girl to swoon over a foreign accent, and this one makes me think of John Cleese playing a French soldier in Monty Python and the Holy Grail. I stifle a giggle.
Me: Okay, what kind of scene are you looking for?
Caller: I want ze ball busting.
I've never heard anyone say "ball-busting" with a French accent before. The rising inflection he gives it makes it sound like a subtle, courtly activity. It is not. "Ball busting" means impact on the scrotum, in the form of kicking or kneeing the guy. Like escargot, this brand of intense sensation is not to everyone's taste, even among men who enjoy other forms of cock and ball torture. It's also an activity that needs to be done with some care and precision in order to not do long-lasting damage.
Me: Okay, have you done ball-busting before?
Caller: Non, zis will be ze first time. I want—I saw ze picture on the internet, of a Mistress jumping on ze man's balls? Can you do zat?
Me: Jump on them? Like, jumping up and down? No, I can do other things, like kicking, but I don't think jumping on them is a good idea.
Caller: Why not?
Me: Because it would injure you in a serious way.
Caller: Perhaps it would injure ze American. But I am very strong. In France, I am ze athlete.
Huh, I wonder if this is Zinedine Zidane? Should I offer to head-butt his balls instead? Perhaps not. But no matter what nationality your couilles are, I don't recommend dropping 120 pounds of weight on them.
Me: No, sorry, I won't jump on them.
Caller: (angrily) In Paris, the French miz-tress, they do zis all the time.
Me: Then I suggest you call a French mistress.
Caller: Pah! (And a string of French words that don't sound very complimentary. Then he hangs up.)
If you're a French dominatrix with a new client named Aubert, be sure and kick him a good one for me.
― clotpoll (Clotpoll), Wednesday, 15 November 2006 01:16 (thirteen years ago) link
― nate p. (natepatrin), Wednesday, 15 November 2006 01:17 (thirteen years ago) link
― nate p. (natepatrin), Wednesday, 15 November 2006 01:18 (thirteen years ago) link
― The Android Cat (Dan Perry), Wednesday, 15 November 2006 02:37 (thirteen years ago) link
xpost. i do not undertsand this fetish in the slightest.
-- dyson (dyspleasur...), August 26th, 2004 2:19 PM.
is killing me.
― luna (luna.c), Wednesday, 15 November 2006 03:46 (thirteen years ago) link
― clotpoll (Clotpoll), Wednesday, 15 November 2006 05:28 (thirteen years ago) link
I kind of misread this as "my own post about going too far is how I did this" and I was quite worried about you for a bit, Dys ;P
― Trayce (trayce), Wednesday, 15 November 2006 05:37 (thirteen years ago) link
― milo z (mlp), Wednesday, 15 November 2006 05:41 (thirteen years ago) link
― Totally Different Guy Now (Dick Butkus), Wednesday, 15 November 2006 05:49 (thirteen years ago) link
― speed is my only need (Speedy Gonzalas), Wednesday, 15 November 2006 08:52 (thirteen years ago) link
― Curt1s St3ph3ns, Wednesday, 15 November 2006 19:23 (thirteen years ago) link
(the anal fisting stories were a million times worse than the ball torture ones, fwiw.)
― researching ur life (grady), Wednesday, 15 November 2006 22:22 (thirteen years ago) link
― less-than three's Christiane F. (drowned in milk), Thursday, 16 November 2006 03:48 (thirteen years ago) link
― Trayce (trayce), Thursday, 16 November 2006 04:06 (thirteen years ago) link
― songs and ballads of the bituminous miners (sanskrit), Thursday, 16 November 2006 15:49 (thirteen years ago) link
― Thermo Thinwall (Thermo Thinwall), Thursday, 16 November 2006 15:59 (thirteen years ago) link
That's the best thing I've ever read. He actually sounds like a nice guy to hang out with, go for a pint. As long as he didn't slam the pint glass on his balls.
this is still killing me btw
― Like sicking a little bit of water into my mouth (HI DERE), Monday, 13 October 2008 13:47 (eleven years ago) link
If you happen to own one of those machines that fires tennis balls at high speed, why not stand in front of it one day?
― The Slash My Father Wrote (DJ Mencap), Monday, 13 October 2008 13:56 (eleven years ago) link
i like to imagine sean conery's voice:"yeshh, i do on occasionally enjoy shmashing my teshticlesh"
surely that's martin jol?
― darraghmac, Monday, 13 October 2008 14:02 (eleven years ago) link
WARNING!! THIS TECHNIQUE CAN PUT VIRTUALLY ALL YOUR WEIGHT DIRECTLY UPON YOUR NUTS!
― original dixieland jaas band (Curt1s Stephens), Monday, 13 October 2008 18:55 (eleven years ago) link
― stone cold all time hall of fame classics (internet person), Monday, 13 October 2008 20:45 (eleven years ago) link
lol this thread
― HI DERE, Tuesday, 26 January 2010 19:24 (ten years ago) link
― Shower to the sheeple! (jjjusten), Tuesday, 26 January 2010 19:30 (ten years ago) link
kind of sad this is gone because it was fucking hilarious
― HI DERE, Tuesday, 26 January 2010 19:32 (ten years ago) link
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― goole, Tuesday, 26 January 2010 19:32 (ten years ago) link
12 Ways To Crush Your Own Testicles In Your Own Home
Hello everyone! Allow me to introduce myself. My name is BlueCaller and my intention is to offer some advice to all of you men out there who crave a decent bout of testicular pain, but have no-one to administer it to you.
Like Andy, I too have enjoyed the concept of being hit/kicked/kneed in the balls since I began puberty. It was only fairly recently (November 99) that I met a wonderful woman who has been prepared to indulge me in my fantasies. She was uncomfortable at first, but as time has gone on....she has slowly found more and more power and pleasure from kicking me in the nuts. For many many years though, I was a frustrated bustee. I thought about dominant women crushing my testicles all day long and I spent a long time sexually frustrated because of this. I simply wanted to feel pain in my balls so much that I began to conceive ways of doing this to myself. This is where my page comes in!! Andy has very kindly allowed me to write about some of my favourite ways to crush your own testicles with the aid of a few simple household accessories! I believe that most of us have to resort to methods like these at some time or another to achieve arousal, so I hope that here you will find a method that crushes your nuts as flat as you want em! Of course, if a ballbusting female happens to be reading this...most of these methods work just as well with the buster administering them to the bustee. So watch out guys, your girl might just try out some new ideas on you soon!
There are two main techniques involved in causing the sensation of pain within the testicles. They are administering a sharp blow (as in punching/hitting/kicking etc) and crushing (as in squeezing etc). Personally I've always enjoyed striking my nuts with a sharp blow as this simulates the effect of being hit in the groin by a woman. It also causes a more severe wave of pain to wash through them (having said that, any man who has had his gonads squeezed by an angry woman will know how debilitating a good squeeze can be!).
A Useful Hint
At this point, I feel it would be useful to mention an item of clothing which I've found invaluable in ballbusting. Whether you crush your own `nads or have someone else do it for you....GET YOURSELF A PAIR OF LYCRA CYCLING SHORTS! It is a fact of life that vulnerable to a sharp blow as your balls are....god designed them to move about in the scrotum and escape injury quite well. THERE IS AN ANSWER! Buy yourself some of those skintight Lycra shorts that cyclists wear. If you slip an elastic band over your balls, and then don the shorts...you will find the impossible becomes easy! Your balls are held completely central between your legs. They cannot move or escape, and the shorts are so tight that they hold your penis up out of the way. Basically this means that every hit, whack, sharp blow or whatever goes directly into your balls! It is wonderful! This is useful also if someone else is trying to crush your nuts. My mistress used to often miss my nuts when she kicked me. She'd often get my cock by accident instead. With the Lycra shorts on, my balls are held firmly in the same place for her...and judging by the bulge they make in the shorts, she can see em too! You may have to experiment to position your balls just right between your legs, but believe me....Lycra shorts make ballbusting so much easier! I dare any man to take many hits to his balls from an apple in a sock while they are bound with elastic bands and unable to escape! Try it!
First, let's take a look at a few simple and quick ways to whack your balls.
METHOD 1 - The Apple
Believe it or not, a humble apple can cause a significant amount of pain to your testicles. Just ask me! It's been one of my favourite techniques since I began experimenting. All you need is an average sized apple and a sock! Simply drop an average sized, evenly shaped apple into the end of a sock. It then becomes like the classic street fighter weapon of a pool ball in a sock! All you have to do is drop your trousers and expose your sac to the air...then swing the sock as hard as you can, aiming to strike your testes with the apple. If you have fairly average balls and don't regularly torture them too much, then a good solid whack on each should be enough to provide a quite reasonable level of pain. Of course, there are no limits and you can go on whacking them as much as you like! This is a quiet method too, something important for those of us who live in close proximity of others. Some of you may be sitting there thinking "Why not use something heavier than an apple? Like a baseball for instance?" Well, whatever you strike your own testicles with is entirely up to you! I have always found an apple to give a satisfying thump if swung hard enough. I also always have one around, as I am a big fruit eater (brings a whole new meaning to the term "bruised fruit"!!!). Try it!
METHOD 2 - The Heel
This method is effective either "nuts out" or when you are clothed. Find a shoe of some kind. Most men will find this method more sexually stimulating when using a woman's shoe...like a high heeled shoe or similar. Myself, I've always found a more satisfying level of pain can be accomplished by using a heavy boot of some kind. A sneaker will do the job quite well. Be warned! Be VERY, VERY careful if you opt to use a shoe with a narrow, sharp heel! You may end up doing more damage to your nuts than you intended! If doing this naked, hold your penis up out of the way with one hand...and hold the shoe firmly with your other hand. Hold it by the toe, so you can bring the heel down sharply into your nuts. Get ready, raise the shoe away from you and then .WHAM! smack the heel of the shoe to your crotch as hard as you can. With a heavy work boot or something, you can really cause a significant level of pain to be felt in the gonads. You can also try resting your balls over the edge of a hard surface (like a table or something), or placing a hard object behind them and hitting them. With a solid object behind, there isn't anywhere for the force of the hit to go and 90% of the impact is felt in the balls. Another very simple, quick to administer way of getting your kicks! Try it!
METHOD 3 - The Toilet Seat
Oh yes! The common every day toilet seat is actually a testicle crushing device par-excellence! You will find it works better if you first slip an elastic band around your sac so your nuts are held tightly together in the end of the scrotum. Kneel down in front of the toilet, and lift the lid back as high as it will go. Then, rest your jewels upon the edge of the seat. I think you can guess what comes next! Let the lid drop and ...CRUNCH! ....your nuts get firmly squished between seat and lid! This is a really simple, quick way of causing a sharp blow to your testicles. Of course, some toilet seats are heavier than others so caution is advised. For best results hold your penis out of the way with your spare hand, so your balls get the full force of the impact. Once you have gauged how painful it is to crush both nuts this way, you can progress to doing one at a time....which should provide a decent aching sensation to your glands. If you are into REAL pain, it is also possible to SIT ON YOUR OWN TESTICLES (oooooowwww!!). Slip the elastic band around your sac, above the balls as before. Then (and this bit is tricky) turn away from the toilet, slide your balls between seat and lid...and....sit down. WARNING!! THIS TECHNIQUE CAN PUT VIRTUALLY ALL YOUR WEIGHT DIRECTLY UPON YOUR NUTS! Be very careful if you try this! You may end up going off ballbusting altogether after trying this (I almost did), because you won't have any balls to bust anymore!!! Well, you will....but they'll be pretty flat.......Try it if you dare!
METHOD 4 - The Wardrobe/Cupboard Door
Oh god. Just thinking back to how I tried this technique in my early teens brings tears to my eyes! As with many of the self-busting methods, slip an (or several) elastic bands around your sac, above the balls. This keeps them tight together at the bottom of the scrotum, and makes them especially vulnerable. You will need to find a wardrobe or something similar that you can stand in front of. The idea is to sandwich your jewels directly between the edge of the door and the door frame itself. When they are in position, push yourself against the door to hold them firmly in place. With them held snugly between a rock and a hard place (he he he), bring your knee back behind you (be careful not to let your balls escape at this point). Then knee the door as hard as you dare! Your balls will be crushed nicely! As a young man, this was one of the first ways I ever tried to hurt myself. I wasn't expecting much and kneed the door with moderate force. I must have trapped my nuts in just the right place because it absolutely hurt like hell! The pain was so sharp and intense that I collapsed on the floor, and spent several minutes down there in considerable pain. This method can be hard to get right, but when you do...you will know about it! Try it!
METHOD 5 - Fists `n Elbows
If no ballbusting objects are available, you can always try punching or elbowing yourself in the balls. Grab your balls with one hand and bring them tightly together in a protruding bulge. With the other hand, punch them as hard as you can. This is a good way of getting a quick "fix" if no other tools are available. I have tried bending over and elbowing myself in the balls too. This sort of simulates being kneed in the balls, but without quite so much force. Usually, your elbow will miss...but sometimes it will catch you just right and can be quite painful. Many times, I have bent over and taken a few minutes to recover after my elbow caught me RIGHT between the balls. Try it!
METHOD 6 - Automatic Tennis Ball Firers
Hehehehehehhe! Well, actually...I admit this is more a fantasy of mine and not something many of us will get the chance to try out! If you happen to be lucky enough to try it though, I'm sure it would work very well! I always used to wonder what it would feel like to be on the receiving end of a fast tennis ball to the nuts. This got me thinking. If you happen to own one of those machines that fires tennis balls at high speed, why not stand in front of it one day? Heheheheh! Every shot would go in pretty much the same place, and you could have hours of fun this way! I know they shoot out tennis balls with quite some force too, so if one did hit you in the nuts....id imagine it would hurt rather nicely! Try it!
METHOD 7 - Plastic Pipes And Heavy Balls
For this method you will again require the elastic band around the sac trick. You also need to find a length of plastic pipe, maybe three feet in length and the wider the better. You will also need a heavy ball of some kind or a rock (!!ooowww!!) The idea is to sit on the floor, resting your elasticated nuts upon the ground. Position one end of the tube over your balls, and the other end vertically into the air. Then place the heavy ball/rock into the top of the tube and let go. CRUNCH! It will drop down the tube and land directly upon your sperm/testosterone glands. Nice! It's difficult to know what to recommend as a weight to drop into the tube. I used a length of plastic pipe about 2.5-3 feet long and about 6 inches in diameter. Into this I dropped an almost spherical kiln hardened lump of clay of nearly the same diameter. Doesn't sound like much, but after 2 or 3 hits....my nuts would be beginning to ache quite nicely. Its also important to remember to sit your nuts either on the floor, or have a hard object behind them. If you don't, you won't feel the full effect. Yum yum! Try it!
METHOD 8 - The Electric Fence
Mmmmmmmmmmmm! Now this is always an interesting experience! If you live in the country, you will probably have strolled around the fields at some time and accidentally touched a portion of your anatomy onto an electric fence. You know the ones I mean....they are strung up around fields to stop cattle or other livestock from straying. This is where the fun comes in! Find one in a deserted area (or go out at night so no-one can see what you're doing) and drop your trousers. Then lift your penis up and dangle your balls onto the fence! Zzzzzzaaappp!! They don't generate enough voltage to be dangerous, but believe me...the sensations they provoke within the testicles are very interesting indeed! (I'm not too sure as to what the sperm in your balls will make of it) Have fun!!! Try it!
METHOD 9 - Elasticated Balls (hehehe!)
You know those outdoor games you can get where you have a ball on a piece of elastic and hit it with a bat? Heheheheheh! In many different stores you can buy these. They usually consist of a post you push into the ground, and a tennis ball or something similar which is connected to the top of the post with a long length of elastic. Discard the post! You just need the other parts! Tie the elastic to a short rod of some kind (a stick from your back yard will do). Then kinda sit over it, so the stick is pushing against your buttocks and the elastic is running out between your legs in front of you. Set it so the elastic with the ball on the end comes out in front of you from directly underneath your scrotum. Here comes the fun! Pull the ball away from you as far as you can and let go!!! It will fly back towards your groin, and if you are "lucky", it will hit you solidly right between the balls! Due to random variables in the physics of this technique, it won't hit exactly the same spot each time. Sometimes it will miss. Sometimes it will strike one testicle firmly. SOMETIMES it will hit you slap bang between the testicles! Great! It incorporates an element of surprise into the fun! Try it!
METHOD 10 - Erm...not quite sure what to call this one!
This device is probably the ultimate in home-D.I.Y ballbusting gadgets. I read about it at a forum for ballbusting, possibly the European Ballbusting Board but I'm not sure. All credit goes to whoever thought this one up, as I cant remember that either! Doh...You will need a few items to construct this....some lengths of cord or thinish rope, a 2 litre plastic drinks bottle, a plastic bag and some hooks (oh, and a pair of balls willing to be hurt). Cup type hooks should work fine. The idea is to suspend the bottle (full of water, therefore quite heavy) in the plastic bag from the ceiling. The plastic bag helps as you are aiming to hang the bottle from the ceiling, and get it swinging in an arc. Screw the hooks into the ceiling perhaps 2 feet apart. Then attach a length of cord/rope to each hook. At the bottom, tie each cord to each of the 2 handles of your plastic bag (a typical medium sized shopping bag is about right). Place the water filled plastic bottle into this bag so it is lying flat. You should now have a heavy weight suspended in front of you from the ceiling. In case you hadn't already guessed, you want it suspended at testicle-height. So stand in front of it and let the end of the bottle touch your groin. If it sticks straight into your nuts, wa-hay! Its in just the right place! Now...HOPEFULLY.......if you position it and yourself in just the right place and "throw" the bag away from you......it will swing back and catch you smartly in the balls! I hope I've explained this well enough for you to get a general idea of what you are trying to achieve. The fact that the bottle is in a bag, and suspended from TWO hooks, means it should swing in more or less the same arc each time. The plastic bag helps cradle it. You can also attach a rope to the far end of the bottle/bag and slip it through another hook mounted on a far wall. This way you can simply pull it to raise the bottle ready for another whack! Because it is full of water, if raised high enough.....it has quite a lot of momentum and will connect with your testes quite firmly! ............BUT! That's not all! With the base of the bottle hitting you in the nuts (especially if it comes slightly upwards at the end of its arc) it simulates a knee to the balls very nicely! Turn the bottle around so the cap hits you in the nuts, and it feels like the point of a shoe kicking you in the balls!!!! FANTASTIC! Try it!
The above methods are some of the easiest ways you can administer a sharp blow to your scrotal contents.
There are of course those of us who prefer a good SQUEEEEEEEEZE! Well, there are an infinite assortment of ways to do this to. Here are just a few of the ways I've squeezed my own testicles over the years....
METHOD 11 - The Workshop Vice
Mmmm! A lot of households have a workshop. Maybe an area of the garage where father stores his tools. Little known to most of us, the workshop contains one of the most evil, and age old torture devices known to man; the vice. In olden days, a popular torture was to crush the testicles of a victim until he let forth the information desired. Well, you guessed it! You can do the same too! Place an elastic band around your sac, above the balls, as mentioned above. Put your balls into the jaws of the vice and turn the handle as many times as you dare! The important thing to remember is to make sure no-one could accidentally catch you at it! How you could ever explain what you're doing with your own testicles trapped in a vice and no-one else around, is not even something you want to think about! This is another fiendishly simple method and has several distinct advantages. Firstly (like all the techniques I've described) it doesn't require many materials. Secondly, it really will crush your testicles as much as you want! Caution is advised however. It goes without saying that in a vice, your nuts really could end up totally and utterly crushed if you weren't careful. If you decide to try this method with your partner/mistress instead of alone, be absolutely sure she knows when to stop!!!! Try it!
METHOD 12 - Books n Clocks
Slip an elastic band around your sac to keep the balls together in a nice tight bulge, and prevent them from escaping. Then, stand in-front of a table (or any suitable scrotum height flat surface). With your balls resting on the table, begin to pile books or anything else that will do the trick on top of them. When they really are starting to ache, and you're feeling a bit uncomfortable...set a stop watch going or watch the minute hand of a nearby clock. Set yourself a time limit to beat like ..."I'm going to stand here and NOT take the weight off my balls for a full 5 minutes". You will quickly begin to suffer more and more as the pain increases, but DONT give up! Force yourself to go with it! It can be a real turn on to imagine yourself tied there and having your nuts crushed by a wickedly merciless mistress. I used to pile a big stack of books onto my nuts and after 2 minutes, my face would be grimacing, my teeth would be clenched and I'd have tears in my eyes. Try it!
Well folks, that's it for now. I hope these D.I.Y ballbusting tips will get you started on the road to agony! They have nearly all been tested personally, for all but the automatic tennis ball machine and the bottle hanging from the ceiling device; I can vouch for them all. I'm sure there are many, many other ways you can easily crush your own balls and I'd be fascinated to hear about them. Andy has created a forum where you can post ideas, so if you feel I missed something important here.....post it on the forum for everyone to see. I would also be very interested to hear how you all get on trying them. So please post in your stories of D.I.Y busting and let us all know how it went. That's it for now. Good luck with trying these ideas out. I will see you all soon! Many thanks to Andy for letting me waffle on about this subject for so long! This is BlueCaller signing off....................
Please remember that this page is still under construction and more suggestions will appear very, very soon. Watch this space!
― goole, Tuesday, 26 January 2010 19:33 (ten years ago) link
lol I just was about to post a link for it
so fucking crazy
― HI DERE, Tuesday, 26 January 2010 19:34 (ten years ago) link
Basically this means that every hit, whack, sharp blow or whatever goes directly into your balls! It is wonderful!
I am not certain this guy understands what "wonderful" means
― HI DERE, Tuesday, 26 January 2010 19:36 (ten years ago) link
I once tried to kick my boss in the cock. But I got the sack
― davedavedave, Friday, 23 April 2010 22:04 (ten years ago) link
That'll do it!
― not_goodwin, Friday, 23 April 2010 22:41 (ten years ago) link
can you post more ways on how to crush your balls?
― supercoolcow, Monday, 18 February 2013 06:02 (seven years ago) link
I recommend the OED.
― Aimless, Monday, 18 February 2013 18:46 (seven years ago) link
If no ballbusting objects are available, you can always try punching or elbowing yourself in the balls
― paolo, Tuesday, 19 February 2013 20:23 (seven years ago) link
Seriously though, don't punch yourself in the hangers! Don't try it!
― paolo, Tuesday, 19 February 2013 20:24 (seven years ago) link
Always sad that this concentrated so much on home activities and didn't offer much ball-crushing advice for the man on the go.
― this is called money bags (Phil D.), Tuesday, 19 February 2013 20:26 (seven years ago) link