Depression and what it's really like

i tried wellbutrin one day, in addition to the zoloft i'm taking (which is working ok, still lots of yawning but w/e). it was ... not good. near full-on meltdown in the supermarket. i feel lucky i'm mostly functional these days. but echoing the passive thoughts of suicide... i would never do it, but i mean it makes sense all things considered.

For what I suspect are multiple reasons, some of them obvious (finally finding anti-depressants that happened to work for me); others less obvious (paying lots of attention to my body and its desire for movement; making myself more available and open to my kids), others a mystery even to me, this past year has been the least depressive in my life that I can ever remember. I find myself in disbelief about it. I've grown so used to terror, dread, and self-hatred, that not to have these encroaching on my every thought is disorienting. I also know that I'm really always just a step sideways from the edge of the abyss. I don't expect this to last, so I try to savor the fresh air (that's what it feels like) while it does.

I feel guilty even to be posting this, because so many others itt are in the thick of it, and each of your posts breaks my heart a little.

Much love to all. Srsly.

It sort of seems like an improvement? But this whole thing is so exhausting. And boring to experience. It must be the most boring disease to suffer.

― Mince Pramthwart (James Morrison)

otm. mental illness is one of the most boring things i can imagine. even beyond being insufferably whiny it's why i tend not to talk about it. "today i didn't get out of bed. the end." i spent five years doing nothing but watching reruns of '90s cop shows. they weren't even the worst years of my life - they were pretty good cop shows.

collardio, my philosophy is to never feel guilty about not being miserable (feel guilty enough about it and you can probably get to miserable pdq). people should enjoy whatever they have while they have it.

the catch-22 I've never been able to figure out is that I don't particularly care if I'm happy, which is certainly a sign that something is wrong, but I can't will myself to fix it, 'cause...I can't will myself to care.

in the realm of hungry ghosts is a decent enough read although one big caveat - there is a section when he talks about his addiction to buying classical music (from sikora's, a very well-stocked store which is a couple of blocks from where i am right now) which i can't help but find quite hilarious (obviously all addictive behaviours have common sources but i just find it a bit of a stretch)

― -_- (jim in vancouver)

^ Madame Bovary in a nutshell

And yes, moi aussi.

when he gets to the parts where he starts talking about his classical music addiction i started reading it looking for recommendations.

i understand he's trying to make it relatable, "we're not so different" etc etc, but the analogy doesn't quite fit. everybody has their own addictions and vices (if it wasn't for the ease and ubiquity of streaming i'd be in big trouble), but i don't know anybody who has a cocaine collection.

i spent five years doing nothing but watching reruns of '90s cop shows. they weren't even the worst years of my life - they were pretty good cop shows.

how many of us are there out there, I wonder

i'm sitting here in a daze because an online quiz is asking me which of the seasons is my favorite and i keep thinking "i don't like any of the seasons"

baseball season

otm

3 weeks of a new job, feel happy when i'm at work and try my best to succeed. weekends are a nightmare, just resort to self-destructive and destabilizing behaviours. Feel guilty to be happier but it's not exactly a complete success these days

I think the old medication is starting to kick in; feels as though the cancer of the soul is going into remission for now, thank fuck

My own job situation has gotten a little weird. I was actually able to save this failing product the owner gave me ... now I'm making a shit ton of money for another product he put me on. Of course I'm not making any additional salary or commission.

Now the owner wants to "exchange ideas" with me tomorrow ... basically steal my shit because it's making him a boat load of cash, while I see none of it. This dude would have no problem throwing me out on the street once I tell him my little secrets.

What the hell do I do here? In my corporate jobs, I always become an enemy to the bureaucrats for what I'm able to do... because of who I am I'm always an enemy to people. Hated. Always hated or exploited. I downplay it, I become a human joke.

I'm probably going to jump off a bridge this weekend. In the United States, there's no place for a person like me. The only way I see me making it out of this is if I become a blood-thirsty, brutal scumbag willing to stomp my boot down on your throat, because I'm an orphan and lack the family capital necessary to survive in 2017 United States.

So, to survive in a strictly biological sense, I will crush your throats the best I can, because it's what you all want when you support everything that surrounds you. That's the only choice that's left to me here, and trust me, I've explored them all.

I think my ancestors made a deal with the devil centuries ago... I even look 15 years younger than I am. I know that's fantastical, but it makes more sense than anything else out there.

cut it out with the grandiose paranoid shit, just tell dude you want decent compensation for your work and figure out how to stop tying your perception of professional success to your mood swings

Yeah, but if it fails, then I could lose my job, become homeless, and get beaten to death on the streets. And that's a realistic possibility for me.

I'd prefer that not to happen, so I have to become a brutal scumbag. I wish I didn't have to take this course, but it's for my own survival in the United States. Ever wonder why things are like this here?

You don't have to be a brutal scumbag to make a living.

You know that's a lie treezy give it to em straight

carpet, not easy to say this man, but it can go down a dark path when paranoid delusions become reality, i know from experience and i would suggest getting help.

These aren't paranoid delusions, this is experience from the business world. How is it a "paranoid delusion" to know you could be let go with no safety net to catch you? That's how things actually are!

Is it a "paranoid delusion" to see the Excel spreadsheets with my results, and the owner wanting to know how I did it? No. I'm not a moron. I grew up in a family filled with entrepreneurs. I'm not an idiot, man.

Instead of saying "it's paranoid delusions!" a better thing to say would be, "take care of yourself better in a harsh, unforgiving, brutal world."

How many throats would u see yourself brutally crushing this time around

Plenty. My life was way better, and people liked me way better, when I was called "Mr. Burns".

well, i'm not saying you're an idiot, carpet.

i was struck by seeing you say you've always been an enemy to people, like you vs. the bureucrats...dunno man, is this the case?

jobs suck and sometimes most of the co-workers suck, but i doubt you as a person are worthy of such disdain, and that's why it seems paranoid to me

i respect you as a person, man

I don’t know how useful of a sounding board this thread can be for you, carpet k, at this point, because I don’t get the sense that you’re depressed or even dealing with “depression “, really . I’m not psychologist enough to know what you’re dealing with, but whatever it is it feels ‘above the pay grade’ of a group of internet depressives. You’re likely to get counter-productive advice, no matter how well -intentioned. Hell, this post could be ill-advised, for all I know. So: expect nothing from this thread; and get yourself some pro help, as Ross suggests, ASAP.

Yeah, it is the case, I'm working way below my potential, and my potential meets a barrier of the ossified American class system. I just also happen to come from the classes higher up on that system, just kicked down because my own family were pricks.

Listen, if ya want to understand my situation, you have to throw out old frameworks and take it as a totally unique situation ... so I'm probably wasting my time detailing it here anonymously on a friggin' messageboard. I just got nothing right now, so I'm bah balhalbahing about it all.

Probably the case, collardio.

i admitted myself 7 years ago and have been on a recovering path since. have to make it clear i have nothing but hope for anyone itt

Thank you for the kindness, though Ross, it is much appreciated

<3

I mean, people in my family won Emmys, invented things we all use every day, things we see on TV everyday, it's not a surprise I can do the crazy shit I can, because it comes with the territory. I'm just way, way further down than I should be, and I have no idea what my place is in the world, cuz I'm alive when I should be dead.

No, this isn't the right board for me, and there are no therapists, methodologies, or answers for what I'm dealing with. I'm inhabiting a different dimension here, because I cheated my fate, and now I gotta figure it out on my own.

Note for all you lolzers, yeah, I should be dead right now. That's why I'm here making an ass out of myself, because fate had me in a grave at this point, and I escaped it. Now I don't know what the fuck to do.

“no one understands my shit” is second only to “my problems aren’t that bad, I should be able to deal with them on my own”in the hierarchy of excuses we tell ourselves for not getting help

I have no great advice for anyone here, can't even sort myself out really, but all i can offer is take care of yourself and don't become cruel

<3

can't tell when i really want to give up/quit things and when it's just a sympton of feeling shit. not sure what the difference is or if its important

Carpet Kaiser, I am just a random internet doofus, so feel free to disregard this. But I’m pretty sure that the heavy shit you’re trying to deal with is more than you should carry on your own. As a guy who’s benefitted from sharing the load w/ professionals, I highly recommend just *talking* this out with a neutral party as a way to help sort through a complicated situation.

Often I’ve found that just the act of verbalizing each of the complex strands of a tangled-misery mess helps to simplify my thinking... and in offloading my mental knots to a third party I’m able to free up some of the resources I need to process/solve the shit that’s at the root of my frustrations. This may not be the intended purpose of a therapist/counselor/what have you, but it is an off-label benefit.

Nothing wrong with anger, upset, sadness, etc., but when it is preventing you from functioning effectively at the tasks that sustain daily life then it is time to ask for assistance - even if temporary- just to give you a little pressure relief. Good luck.

soda otm

Thanks, soda. I was close to barfing up my words last night. The stuff I'm talking about here, I recklessly tore down my defenses to figure out ... I promised myself I'd solve my problems with my own two hands, and I inadvertently stumbled on some pretty fucked up shit!

I survived in the past because of these complex defenses... I really had no idea what I was getting into. This is some seriously overwhelming stuff.

Unfortunately, I"m not in a position to talk to a professional now, because I have to find a new job immediately. The one I'm at now is just way too unhealthy for me, and it's the last thing I need in this state I'm in.

So I gotta somehow find that good ol' inner fury and determination that got me this far in the first place.

Shit, I have no fucking idea how the hell I made it this far. I am one clever motherfucker. Every day it feels like I'm cat, and I don't know how close I am to my last life... every day feels like it's my last.

This isn't a fun way to live life. And tonight I have to spill my own blood yet again to find the strength to simply survive, and for what???? I don't think I've had a single good day in my life. What a nuts existence this is.

Anyway... guess I better get to work. Thank you all for listening to my crazy bullshit.

Sincerely best of luck in your search, carpet_kaiser; sounds as though almost anywhere will be better for your mind than your current job

Thanks, you better believe it. Never realized this job is fucking me up even worse... The owner is a Wall Street gangster, and his ego is more important than making money at this point. He's not unlike the people in my family, fucking around with my head, jealous of me... and I'm not saynig that from my own ego, a lady co-worker said to him, "Are you jealous of carpet_kaiser?!? HAHAHAAHA" Etc.

There's no way I'm going to win here, but I made it out of more complex labyrinths. I just need to do one of those lucky critical moves I've done before... and somehow find some place for me, which I don't think exist at this point. Whatever! No point in feeling sorry for myself, I'm in my 30s, I'm going to be dead no matter what, IDGAF anymore.

I wish I was born a mediocre dumbass who wasn't good at anything, I'd be way better off than I am ... or dead, more likely.

The lesson here is no human being cares whether you live or die, and for their own benefit, they'll kill you no matter what you do. Life is a true wasteland devoid of anything we think we care about.

That's how it is for me, at least. The best of humanity are onlookers who do nothing to help except watch atrocities from their windows, surrounded by luxuries they were born with.

i care whether you live or die, man.

I was in a toxic job for 6 years and just got back into the workforce after 6 months. Quitting threw a massive twist on my life and it was pretty destitute for awhile. Carpet, look into employment resources where you are - i did that and was able to find more avenues to getting back to work, and honestly I needed the support and encouragement. I know how crushing it is to feel stuck in a job and that throwing it away will make it hard to survive. Best wishes, hope you can find something that works for you

Thanks, Ross. There are no employment resources... where do you think I live, Shangri-La? I'm in 2017 America, baby.

My only option is surviving by the law of the jungle. That's how it goes here, and I know how to play it, so it could be worse, I guess...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rcXh7SIB76A

For any non-Americans, the first 2.5 minutes of this captures pretty well what life on the ground here in America feels like. It's fun times. If you make the wrong move, you're literally dead, unless you got mommy and daddy to help you.

Yeah, sorry again... I need to stop drinking beer after work and apply for new jobs. I'm going to self-ban myself from this thread until I find a better one.

Things have been going very badly for me lately - badly enough that I am posting about it here even though I really don't feel very safe doing so, for reasons I don't feel there's any point in getting into here.

A lot of somnolescence. Sleeping 12 hours a night on a fairly regular basis. Mornings are bad but things steadily get worse throughout the day, so that by the time I'm home from work I'm a completely miserable shambles and probably deranged. Even just looking at other people feels like being stabbed. I guess you could say I am sensitive.

Work usually helps, but this whole week has been overshadowed by an extremely unpleasant episode I don't wish to say more about on the public internet, but which has significantly worsened my mood and my functioning, with probable long-term implications.

Occasionally still try to do "enjoyable" things, because I am not after all truly anhedonic. Went to a harpsichord concert. It was sublime, but in the end not enough to drive ever-present despair out of my mind. Such experiences disincline me to go out of my way to seek "enjoyable" experiences, as they seem not to repay the effort necessary. There's a convention I would theoretically enjoy quite a bit going on downtown this weekend, and I'm honestly not sure whether I can be bothered.

Therapy is mostly argument. My therapist wants me to be better, which I interpret as rejection of who I am now. Had to cancel my other therapist this week due to sudden illness and haven't heard back about rescheduling, which I also take as rejection, even though I shouldn't.

My former humanism has gone around the bend fully to anti-humanism. I still treat all people as having fundamentally equal value - I just now treat that value as being intrinsically negative. The implications of this I leave as an exercise for the reader. Not only is it negative, but my opinion of humanity, and by extension myself, as a human, worsens by the day.

I have been, all this year, totally bereft of all hopes save one, which is that death, which is after all inevitable, will come for me sooner, rather than later. It's a relative thing, and knowing that I will in the end get what I want (by which time, probably, I will no longer want it, people being fickle in their desires) only just makes continuing to live bearable.

no smart answers to that rush but warm wishes for change <3

yep