Depression and what it's really like

yea just1n3 - he has had some depression.

best wiehses to just1n3 and James at this time

rush - yeah there's a big part of addiction that's functional - a good book on the subject is "In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts" by Dr. Gabor Mate. I'm a functional addict, and it definitely does get you by while robbing a whole lot from your existence IMO. peace to ya man

do other people really have that much more, is what I’m saying

That's a good point. At my job I was bugged out I was going to get fired ... I'm actually getting new assignments now. The person who was fired was my co-worker.

She's 30 and her entire life she's been taken care of by her parents. Free to pursue all her dreams and whims. She has no idea how to work hard, and despite living in NYC for a decade, seems unaware of how the real world works. It's the hunger that teaches us the way of the world.

So yeah. It's funny to think even in my own crap life, I've found value, and those who've had the opposite lives, have found deficiencies.

Xps I'd be very interested to hear how the ketamine works for you. I've been looking into it - I'm with Kaiser and they're running trials but you have to have tried at least 4 different ADs from 3 different classes to get into the program. My husband's psych offers ketamine treatment but it's like $650 a pop, minimum of 6 sessions plus boosters so *shrugs*

"In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts" by Dr. Gabor Mate.

This looks very interesting, but I'm afraid it could be a very... depressing read? :-/

I've bookmarked it as something I shd probably read but wd prefer to read something less close to home

i will definitely check out that hungry ghosts book. everything i read or listen to is depressing to me to the point of despair these days, so i'm not too concerned about it being a downer.

started it already - it's very well written

I'll take your word for it (same fear of too close for comfort)

LBI - will say regarding the book that reading about addiction sometimes makes me prone to substance abuse but I think it can also help explain those impulses. Though it's not an easy read

most things make me tempted to get drunk one way or another so

I only get drunk in company tho

and it's more in control than ever, but when I control it I can feel the steam hissing out everywhere else until

had a mental health assessment today, had referred myself because things have been accelerating downhill. most mornings lately when i get to work i have to spend a minute in the bathroom composing myself because i'm on the brink of tears, a consequence of the voice rattling round my head on the walk in. this morning i got locked into this "i hate myself i hate myself" mantra, didn't think i'd be able to hold it back. weirdly dealing face to face with my customers tends to snap me out of it for a little while.

have been referred back for CBT. have been unsure of the value of it, because i'm bad at disciplined self-management and i keep telling myself i don't know what the root of my fucking problem is. but i dunno, i had a good cry tonight just reviewing the list of my failures and mistreatments of friends and loved ones. not cathartic exactly but i think i see a part of what i need to work on.

:( hang in there. i think it's great that you were able to take those steps yourself, that's a good sign.

Yeah, really good work NV, referring yourself and trying to take it head on. Desiring change, 'wanting' to work on it, is absolutely key imo. Hugs.

best wishes NV, hope the referral brings you what you need (and not too long a waiting list)

in the realm of hungry ghosts is a decent enough read although one big caveat - there is a section when he talks about his addiction to buying classical music (from sikora's, a very well-stocked store which is a couple of blocks from where i am right now) which i can't help but find quite hilarious (obviously all addictive behaviours have common sources but i just find it a bit of a stretch)

obv the 2017 version is "compulsively buying digital releases on boomkat"

that's actually kind of interesting to know and makes me more inclined to seek out the book

obviously my inability to walk past a charity shop without buying a couple of £2 paperbacks I will probably never read (I have many others which I've bought over the years and mostly never read yet) isn't really an addiction in any meaningful intervention-requiring sense, but I def have a bundle of bad addictive/compulsive/impulsive habits that are probably all tied together

(so yes, seeking out the book doesn't mean I'll read it, obv, but maybe I should)

Love ya nv

I just got a promotion today, and got hit up by three internal recruiters for legit jobs. Oh man. Looks like the darkness is ending. Have to keep remembering I only ended up in the abyss because my piece of shit family tried murdering me again -- last time I'm going to let that happen!

<3 nv

i don't know how things are going with my therapist. i think she thinks i'm psychotic since i mentioned i was on atypical antipsychotics for a while. i've never been in a position to dump a therapist before, and don't know how long to give her before doing it.

good luck rushomancy <3

and NV

Yeesh, I hope it wasn't me talking about my whack ass life that helped make you paranoid ... I keep forgetting that what's normal to me isn't normal to other people. I'm probably going to keep this shit to myself from now on, now that I've finally figured it all out.

Your therapist should take your case as a whole, not just what medicine you were on since they're prescribed for a million off-label reasons.

There's an inherent power imbalance in mental health that I think is pretty dangerous, too...

obviously my inability to walk past a charity shop without buying a couple of £2 paperbacks I will probably never read (I have many others which I've bought over the years and mostly never read yet) isn't really an addiction in any meaningful intervention-requiring sense, but I def have a bundle of bad addictive/compulsive/impulsive habits that are probably all tied together

this ties to one of the more interesting things I spoke to my therapist about before I dumped him; his day job was working with addicts and it was his main interest, and he was talking about the difficulty of defining addiction and how much compulsive behaviour basically everyone exhibits which shares a lot of the same features as addicts but never really gets discussed or thought about in those terms unless it's deened unhealthy or w/e. i've definitely been pretty cynical about the things a lot of nominally healthy & fine ppl i know fill their lives with; exercise, religion, raising kids, working on yr career etc. fill an escapist function for lots of ppl, it's all that fearful running away from death and meaninglessness, and they all seem too hollow to invest a sense of self worth in

I feel much the same about that, but of course it depends on my mood.

thanks for kind thoughts everybody, have a kinda satisfying sense of trying to stay wise to my own brain's shenanigans, today at least

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrgggghhh Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck

you alright James?

Arrrgh just am coming of one antidepressant, was given a second to reduce the withdrawl effects, and then transitioned onto a 3rd, am having constant nausea, shivering, pain, plus sudden attacks of despair. Want to just shrink away to nothing.

It sounds as if your doctors are determined to fix you up, even if it kills you. I wish to god I had something to say that could help, but the best I can do is to urge you to hang in there and tell your fucking doctors to stop torturing you.

i obviously don't know what's going on, but i enjoy your posts (and blog) and am envious/pissed at the fact that you've read damn near everything. anyway, best wishes

hugs James.

much appreciated, all! thank you.

Mookieproof, if it's any consolation I have a swathe of really interesting looking books I want to read but they are also too depressing-sounding to cope with at the moment

Sending you best nv. Your mention of drinking only in company is making me re-evaluate my compulsion to do the opposite. You're having a positive effect on me so don't doubt yourself. And you're a great poster. Hang in there.

much love to everyone here. Just acknowledging and attempting to figure out the next step is an achievement and you guys should always remember it, clear in your head

I just wish I'd just stick with my original, not great medication. Would do pretty much anything to go back in time and beg myself not to have started down this path.

Never realised how awful it was to slowly experience every single one of the 60 minutes in every single fucking hour, with no joy to be had from any thing that I used to enjoy.

med swapping is hell, but your original medication would have probably quit working eventually. hang in there. try not to blame yourself for the hell you're going through.

Best wishes, James.

Really the best of luck, James. I had a dreadful dreadful time when I first when on my anti-depressants - the first time I've been on them. I felt mentally very sick indeed for something like a week, and it was bloody scary and confusing. The only thing that kept me going was not wanting to go back to how I was before. Take care.

Thank you

best wishes James

Am going back on old, original antidepressant. It wasn't great, but so much better than this. Just hope it doesn't take weeks to kick back in.

May your efforts be blessed with success.

Sending good vibes to James, and everybody itt

^^

J M is a great poster and every time i see him update this thread i hope it is with good news. hang in there man. i don't know why bad things happen to good people, but please just keep trying.

whenever i get suicidal these days it's because i'm just so tired of being human. does anybody really like this shit? i mean for real?

not suicidal but more passively wondering that all the time. what is this for? i'm tired.