Learning How To Talk To People.

i used to not care how i effected people.
meanwhile, i have longed for this freedom since the age of 12 or so :(

i hope it's clear that i am not a prescriptivist and i applaud all attempts to consider other people's reactions to one's behavior, esp if such consideration was lacking in the past. these were things i learned in order to survive in the world, not because i wanted to.
in terms of improvement and matching of other people's rhythms, i am much more conscious of my nerves rubbing off on people than i used to be. i have always been a very nervous/enthusiastic person. i try to exercise my chill mindfully too :)

i just want to evolve. the way my personality is i definitely could go the way of the pissed off crank or the hermit in my old age. or i can evolve. and learn. although i suppose the real answer would be to just go to my doctor and get some excellent drugs that would make me love everyone and everything. that's my emergency plan. but i'm going to try to do the work on my own for now.

quitting smoking didn't help...

i am taking over the counter lithium every day though. and L-theanine. which seems to help.

people mistake my enthusiasm for all kinds of other things, things i do not wish to project, i can understand the need to evolve one's approach to interpersonal communication
failure to evolve will leave a person behind

i think maybe evolving requires both a goal of how you want yourself to be (or act), and a healthy recognition and patience with the fact that it will require steps and isn't an overnight process. maybe.

idk about the maybe part ;)

maybe maybe perhaps!

i am myself probably unrecognizable from twenty-plus years ago. i had some low points and when scraping bottom i looked at myself in the mirror (literally!) and said fuck it. i had to extricate myself from my rut, and go to places i wasn't comfortable with. geographically and figuratively. which is how i went from rural IL to NYC (without having ever visited the latter.) i had to leave a lot of things behind, i had to get unsentimental and i guess (it sounds paradoxical) stop caring about what other people thought or felt, but also balancing it out with more empathy and patience. it was a long, long process, i tell ya.

a lot of problems stemmed from really not knowing how to interact with people, is the thing.