Craigslist hilarity

dude

am i that bad

honestly, if i am, i promise to shut my fucking trap forever

no you are not that bad

thank u

Knew someone who was genuinely too shit scared to say "Candyman" in a mirror five times

― snoball, Monday, May 11, 2009 6:41 PM (Yesterday) Bookmark Suggest Ban Permalink

lol

I interpreted for Bernard Rose (Candyman director) on the set of a later and much, much crapper movie, Anna Karenina. He was entertaining and clever if occasionally a demanding bastard. He used to flap his arms and cackle.

rip

http://arstechnica.com/tech-policy/news/2009/05/craigslist-gives-in-will-shut-down-erotic-services-section.ars

Actor needed for emotional role – One day high pay
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: 2009-04-17, 12:52PM EDT

My deceased aunt gave my two kids a Cocker Spaniel a few months back. The dog has been a terror and become overwhelming for me. I am a single father raising two young children. I cannot face telling the kids that the dog must go. I have found a good home for the dog, and just need someone to transport the dog, and play the villain.

Premise: You will be the dog walker hired by daddy (me) to walk Skittles. I will introduce you to the kids, and you will tell them you are going to help Skittles get her exercise when Daddy is too busy to walk her. At that point you will walk Skittles to your car and take her to her new family 20 minutes from my place. Then return holding just a leash. The story will be that Skittles broke free of the leash and took off. At this point prepare for crying, things being thrown at you, and possibly cursing. My kids are young and dramatic, their girls.

Pay will be $500. The job will take roughly 2 hours at best.

This job is ideal for an actor looking to diversify their role base, or someone who genuinely likes to make children cry. Acting experience is a plus, but not necessary. Please inform me of any prior experience in this kind of situation.

Lil Wayne wanted (DC-MD-VA)
Date: 2009-06-12, 12:27PM EDT

My son is turning 16 and really wanted Lil Wayne to perform for his birthday gala. Unfortunately his schedule will not permit him to make it. I need a Lil Wayne impersonator desperately.

Here is the kicker my son is blind so you do not need to look like the rapper just sound like him. I understand he grunts and mumbles a lot. I don’t care if you are 67 and Jewish if you can sing the songs you’re hired. Money is not an issue. Name your price. Interested individuals please let me know your rap experience, video of you performing as Lil Wayne would be better. If that is not feasible we can arrange for a live audition.

Serious inquiries only, this is very important to my family. Young Money Baby!

someone who genuinely likes to make children cry.

that is so sad ;_; both of them!
why does craigslist want to trick little kids & destroy their dreams?

would do the first....and possibly the second.

Unfortunately his schedule will not permit him to make it.

yes, that must be it.

"Here is the kicker..."

Dog one is a dream job. Unless the dog vomits in my car or something.

Serious inquiries only, this is very important to my family. Young Money Baby!

lmao

http://milwaukee.craigslist.org/com/1233300670.html

TO "PHISH" PEOPLE AT ALPINE VALLEY THIS WEEKENED (EAST TROY)
Reply to: comm-mkrbh-1233300✧✧✧@craigsl✧✧✧.o✧✧ [Errors when replying to ads?]
Date: 2009-06-22, 1:31AM CDT

I HAVE LIVED OFF OF COUNTY HWY D NEAR ALPINE VALLEY FOR THE PAST 24 YEARS AND OFTEN FEEL THE RESIDUAL NEGATIVE EFFECTS OF THE CONCERTS. NEVER HAVE I HAD AN INCIDENT SUCH AS THE ONE THAT OCCURRED ON SATURDY NIGHT (JUN. 20) FOLLOWING A "PHISH" MUSICAL. OUR DOG WOKE US AT 1:30 AM MAKING A RUCKUS. WE HAVE A SMALL WARMING HOUSE NEAR THE EDGE OF THE HIGHWAY THAT I BUILT FOR OUR DAUGHTERS (NOW GROWN) TO WAIT FOR THE SCHOOLBUSES IN. THE LIGHT IN IT WAS ON AND SOMEONE WAS INSIDE. I PUT ON CLOTHES AND APPROACHED AND FOUND HIM DEFECATING ON THE FLOOR. HAD HAIR LOOKED LIKE A DOORMAT. EYES WERE BUGGY LIKE I REMEMBER ON MEN IN VIETNAM. I HAD A SHOTGUN AND TOLD HIM HE WAS GOING TO CLEAN UP THE DEFECATE. BUT I AM OLD (71 NOW) AND MADE A MISTAKE, RETURNING TO THE HOUSE TO GET A HOSE AND BUCKET. HE RAN IN THE DIRECTION OF THE INTERSTATE AND I DIDNOT FOLLOW.

MY MESSAGE IS THIS: GET YOUR PEOPLE IN ORDER "PHISH". AND NEVER COME TO ALPINE VALLEY AGAIN. SHAME ON YOU. I AM POSTING ON CRAIGLIST BECAUSE I HAVE USED IT TO SELL TRUCK PARTS AND LAWN FURNTITURE AND DOUBT AN EDITOR'S LETTER IN THE JOURNAL/SENTINEL WILL REACH "PHISH" PEOPLE, WHO MY NEIGHBOR SAYS ARE MOSTLY FROM ILLINOIS OR EASTCOAST. I AM ALSO LOOKING FOR AN APOLOGY FROM THE MAN WHO COMMITTED THIS ACT. HE LEFT BEHIND A WHITE HAT WITH AN ALIEN ON IT. ALSO A GLASS THING. I AM GOING TO THROW THEM AWAY.

* Location: EAST TROY
* it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

lol "A GLASS THING"

Crack pipe, obviously. You know those "PHISH" people.

So it's not your business to flag the RE; poster ? PEOPLE! don't you remember your bully days from grade school ? You allow it ,it festers! Then the bully gets more powerful and finally no one wants to come to school ! Columbine was the culmantion of what happens when you don't keep the bully at check ! ALL YOU NEED TO DO IS FLAG HIM ! but instead you sit back and allow it because you don't agree with my way of dealing with this deviate ! Worse you buy into the "where there is smoke ther is fire " addage Believe what you want ! I am selling ,not retailing ! You don't like the price ? the Eastern Europeans know what to do ! OFFER ME LESS Many people leave with that item at that price ! But to bitch about it openly ! SERIOUSLY ! Go back to your mother maybe she cares ! Don't cry about the price ! ALSO! What the Chinese make is done wih the blessing of the US GOV unless it sports the USA manufacturers name ! Jay Turser is not Gibson you fool ! And to call Jay Turser Shit ! You have a bigot and an idiot roled into the same panty waisted coward ! Lose your job because the chinese do it better ! Sucks to be you ! Go back to school and man up ! Or is crying going to get you another low skill job as you come to work after lunch hammered on legal drugs ! Then the troll says "nice to be here without Bob " all I did was change the text ! I never left !

hammered on legal drugs ... sucks to be you?

Ew.

http://fayar.craigslist.org/mis/1232076168.html

http://farm1.static.flickr.com/19/116450033_4266fb5229_o.jpg

Marvelous DJ needs you!!!! (Los Angeles)
Reply to: job-uw6bt-1269270✧✧✧@craigsl✧✧✧.o✧✧ [Errors when replying to ads?]
Date: 2009-07-14, 7:48AM PDT

Who wants to work parties with me next March and April and this summer maybe too????

one "Marvelous DJ" needs to hire dancers and employees for Bar and Bat-mitzvah parties ASAP!!!!!!!!

No experience necessary. I'm starting a new company. I have worked for the biggest entertainer in the business for over 10 years as his assistant.

I'm so good at what I have done in the past with my old company that I will start my own shit and make bank!!!!
My boss say I can't not do this, but I dont care.

Share the wealth. Jewish people have lots of money to spend on these parties.

I need dancers & people who know what do at events like if you have bartendering, or DJing, and party hyping experience or whatever.

I don't have a website cuz I dont need one, I'm that good.

so you'll have to call me for an audtion or unless you have videos of yourself dancing. Send sexy pictures only via email. Videos are a plus.

I am willing to pay more than any other DJ company out there cuz these fools dont know there are doing!!!

I dont have an office yet but hopefully I will someday and soon as I start booking more parties. : )

So email me and I will hit you back on my cell!

Also if there is anyone that needs a good party, please please please call me. I'm just getting started on my own, but I have tons of experience and can do a great job. I will only charge $50 per hour for now to make some quick money so I can get things rolling.

bartendering.

http://portland.craigslist.org/clc/cto/1285176217.html

portland craigslist > clackamas co > for sale / wanted > cars & trucks - by owner

In 1982, a crack commando unit was sent to prison by a military court. - $999 (S. Salem)

Date: 2009-07-23, 11:54AM PDT

Reply to: sale-7gnnz-1285176✧✧✧@craigsl✧✧✧.o✧✧ [Errors when
replying to ads?]

For a crime they didn't commit.
http://i105.photobucket.com/albums/m211/jrbump/cars/bteam-1.jpg

These men promptly escaped from a maximum security stockade to the Pacific Northwest underground. Today, still wanted by the government, they survive as soldiers of fortune. If you have a problem, if no one else can help, and if you can find them, maybe you can hire... The A Team.

1979 Ford Econoline, straight six. $999 runs great, leaks auto tranny fluid so you need to add it every now and then. Roll harder than any motherfucker on the street -includes sticker ready to be applied by the new owner.

* Location: S. Salem
* it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

PostingID: 1285176217

musical synthizer - $50
Date: 2009-07-24, 2:02PM EDT
Reply to: sale-cwzun-1286871✧✧✧@craigsl✧✧✧.o✧✧ [Errors when replying to ads?]

synthizermay need repair may not dont kno.

* it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

http://losangeles.craigslist.org/lac/mis/1301431136.html

http://images.craigslist.org/3ka3m63l5ZZZZZZZZZ9822f201ec655cc1873.jpg

I’ll carve my own path now, thank you.

"From the indie deutsche bag hipsters on the eastside..."

Auf Weidersehen, dude!

Well, looking back on my life, it’s clear which path I’ve chosen. And though there were times when I made a mess of things with impulsive and often impetuous decisions, no one can claim that I’ve opted for the easy way out.

she had to leave
los angeles
all her toys wore out in black
and her boys had too
she started to hate every nigger and jew
every mexican that gave her lotta shit
every homosexual and the idle rich

she had to get out
to get out
to get out
to get out
to get out

she gets confused
flying over the dateline
her hands turn red
cause the days change at night
change in an instant
the days change at night
change in an instant

she had to leave
los angeles
she found it hard to say goodbye to her own best friend
she bought a clock on hollywood blvd the day she left
it felt sad
it felt sad
it felt sad

she had to get out
to get out
to get out
to get out
to get out

Yesterday my gf sold a analog-to-digital converter box on Craigslist for $20. In asking for directions, the buyer asked if she would be "alone" or not when he arrived. Later that night, after the creepy old guy comes and goes, he calls to notify her that the converter box works great, and asks if she has any more items for sale.

Hilarious!

no offense to your gf but i'd think a craigslist dude asking, "will you be alone?" should result in an instant "the deal is off"

yeah, I didn't find out about that until after the deal was made and the guy had already came over. Then I suggested the same thing that you just did and came across as a wifebeating control freak.

http://asheville.craigslist.org/rnr/1306022979.html

AWW you flagged me Darn (WTFville)
Date: 2009-08-04, 6:04PM EDT
Reply To This Post

And you didn't answer the question...Not scared are you..? Don't no what to say....You ain't slow are ya boy...You a little retarted.? Got to many of uncle daddys genes in ya...? Dad breast feed you..? What's the problem why are you so fucked up..?
Come on say something dummy....! flag flag flag I know you can flag. Got any more tricks besides selling your ass to uncle daddy for twinkies and video games. Damm... Your one load your mother should have swallowed.

* Location: WTFville
* it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

LOL @ "A "PHISH" MUSICAL"

Also this thread's great for screen names.

very true

GOGETTERS-REAL ESTATE ASSISTANTS NEEDED, MALES&FEMALES ENCOURAGED TOO - (WHITTIER, CA)

From the Los Angeles "Artists" section today:

Unique Oil Paintings

My name is Johnny and I am an artist that specializes in oil paintings. I have been unable to sell most of my paintings and I am now running out of room to store all of my canvases. The paintings I have to offer are on 24x36 canvases and are all very unique and provocative, pushing the limits of what is accepted in society. I am giving away 6 very different and unique works in hopes that others will see my work outside of my apartment. The works I have to offer are as follows:

1) Oil Painting of a nude retarded child being pecked in the head by an ostrich
2) Oil Painting of a nun with a strap-on, skull fucking a jack-o-lantern
3) Oil Painting of President Bush getting ass fucked by a Donkey
4) Oil Painting of a Taco with human features with a huge erection, getting a blowjob from a group of illegal immigrants
5) Oil painting of a midget getting hit in the face with a pie, standing in a sewer.
6) Oil Painting of a Chinese man with a duck in his ass, smoking an opium pipe.

All of my paintings have very deep meanings to me and are all special. If you are interested please call and let me know specifically which painting you are interested in. I will only call back if I still have the one you want. This is of course, first come first serve. 310-736-1035.
Thanks Guys!
Johnny

damn i bet all of those are gone already

Science Hipsters (LA,CA)
Date: 2009-08-18, 5:50PM PDT
Reply to: gigs-kkuuw-1330396✧✧✧@craigsl✧✧✧.o✧✧ [Errors when replying to ads?]

New show seeks a HOST for our upcoming Science show! We need someone with a DEGREE in science with
EDGE, a hipster, fauxhawk, mohawk, tattooed, someone with great science knowledge and degree but edgy
looking who has knowledge in: Engineering, Physics or Chemistry!

Send us your photo and information as we are casting now!

Paid if Chosen

* Location: LA,CA
* it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
* Compensation: paid if chosen

http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/1288922120.html

You hit me with your Prius
Date: 2009-07-25, 3:23PM PDT

Me - Bicyclist, heading to jury duty on 10th Street, Friday at 8:50am.
You - Prius driver, crossing over two lanes, hitting me with your car and speeding away.

I was hoping we could catch up for a cup of coffee, so I could get your views on the environment, and strangle you.

I have bad back problems, and need someone to sit on my lap for four hours a day ,it helps me straigten my, back I know it sound weird but it helps , willing to pay ten dollars and hour for four hours , twice a week , has to be in good shape and looking for a male to do it because they are stronger to do this sort of job, if you are interested e mail , this is not bs ,you could watch tv, use computer I will even give you food, please respond , thank you

Location: lynbrook
This is a part-time job.
Principals only. Recruiters, please don't contact this job poster.
Please, no phone calls about this job!
Please do not contact job poster about other services, products or commercial interests.

oh man, i love that one about the prius.

http://newyork.craigslist.org/mnh/cas/1383180711.html

I bought this IKEA table and i can't assemble it. Come over and put it together for me and I'll masturbate while you do it. With a dildo. And I will serve you unlimited iced tea. I'm 37 and not amazing looking but totally serviceable.

http://losangeles.craigslist.org/lac/mis/1393112607.html