Songs where the singer/protagonist comes off as a serious dick without meaning to

The Stone Poneys - If I Were You

If I were you
I'd be happy just knowing that
Somebody loved me
If I were you
I'd be sad that somebody was
Lonely without me
If I were you
I know just what I would do
I'd fall in love too

If I were you
I'd have been in love all along
And for a song I'd just up and leave
Everything that I had behind
I wouldn't mind it
If I were you
I know just what I would do
I'd fall in love too

I believe
A love like mine
Just can't be taken lightly
And in time it will win you over
You will see
That my love won't wither like the others
You're never going to get a better offer

If I were you
Then I wouldn't cry all the time
I'd open my eyes and I would see
There is someone so in love with me
That's all that I need
If I were you
I know just what I would do
I'd fall in love too

Richard Marx, Hazard

Oh he done it alright

if i were you - the anthem of Nice Guys

kevin ayres, may i

I just came in off the street
Looking for somewhere to eat
I find a small cafe
I see a girl and then I say

May I sit and stare at you for a while?
I'd like the company of your smile

You don't have to say a thing
You're the song without the sing
The sunlight in your hair
You look so good just sitting there

May I sit and stare at you for a while?
I'd like the company of your smile

piss off you creep

wow ewww

Something tells me that his formal request is rhetorical.

no u may not

I'd like the company of your terrified rictus

Haha, I love that song but "piss off you creep" is totally the correct answer.

creepy but also a little sad imo

Any song from the second Weezer album.

And a couple from the first.

And some from the albums after, too.

Surely 'No One Else' is self-aware, OTT dickishness. The fact it's followed up by it's own answer song is revealing

'Butterfly', on the other hand though

Any John Mayer song probably fits this thread. Daughters, Body is a Wonderland, No Such Thing (Because I Am An Affluent White Guy) etc.

WAiting on the world to change would fit even more if it just came out now

"activism just happens, maaaaaan"

bohemian rhapsody

"Session Man" by the Kinks

"He's not paid to think just play"

i get that it's "satire" but that line especially makes Ray Davies seem like a rockist jerk.

he's taking the side of the session man while calling him a brainless tool

plenty of session guys happily agree that they are paid to play and not think. Could probably include Nicky Hopkins in there as well, I would guess, given that he plays on the track and it's about him.

I think it was just cos he hated Jimmy Page

Maybe I'm Amazed -- it starts out fine but I get a very bad vibe from "Maybe I'm a man, maybe I'm a lonely man who's in the middle of something/that he doesn't really understand."

When it comes to Kinks songs that make Ray Davies seem like a jerk, 'Session Man' isn't even on the list, IMO.

I don’t know if Lennon qualifies as he always came off as a dick and it seems like he was conscious of it half of the time.

lol, never noticed the bolded line, my suspicion was correct, speaker is a total dick:

Maybe I'm amazed at the way you love me all the time
Maybe I'm afraid of the way I love you
Maybe I'm amazed at the the way you pulled me out of time
And hung me on a line
Maybe I'm amazed at the way I really need you
Maybe I'm a man and maybe I'm a lonely man
Who's in the middle of something
That he doesn't really understand
Maybe I'm a man and maybe you're the only woman
Who could ever help me
Baby won't you help me understand
Maybe I'm a man and maybe I'm a lonely man
Who's in the middle of something
That he doesn't really understand
Maybe I'm a man and maybe you're the only woman
Who could ever help me
Baby won't you help me understand
Maybe I'm amazed at the way you're with me all the time
Maybe I'm afraid of the way I leave you
Maybe I'm amazed at the way you help me sing my song
Right me when I'm wrong
Maybe I'm amazed at the way I really need you

I mean it seems to me like the whole song is an elaborate rationalization/apology for using someone and being ambiguous and non-committal when you know they want commitment.

"All Things Must Pass" maybe? I mean, it's beautiful and sounds universal, but it's also, "I dumped you out of the blue, but don't worry, you'll get over it."

Joe OTM

Isn't this really most Wedding Present songs? Or the whinier Field Mice stuff.

working class hero - lennon

Paul Williams - To Put Up With You

Don't think I'm not impressed with your looks
'Cause I think that you look just fine
And don't think that I haven't considered you, girl
Or the fact that you could be mine
Yes I'd like to hang around
But I'll have to let you down
I just haven't got what it takes
To put up with you

Any of the songs like 'Let's Hear It For the Boy' or 'You've Got What It Takes' (I know there are others) wherein the singer celebrates their love by frontloading the song with all of their lover's faults. Thank you for telling the world that I'm an impotent dogface with no sense of rhythm. I love you, too.

Backstreet Boys - As Long As You Love Me

He doesn't care who you are, where you're from, what you did, as long as you love him.

In summary: 'Blah blah blah cool story about that time you went travelling round Australia, now let's screw'

I always heard it as "hey, look, the past is the past. So you've been arrested for stalking a few times. So you went out of your way that one time to hit that cat with your car. I don't hold that against you, baby. Just don't forget my birthday and shit, and we're good."

I always heard it as a confession of having pathologically low standards.

My Lean Baby, sung by Sinatra (lyrics by Roy Alfred) is slightly wtf.

My lean baby - tall and thin
Five feet seven - of bones and skin
But when she tells me maybe she loves me
I feel as mellow as a fellow can be

She's so skinny - she's so drawn
When she stands sideways - you (would) think (that) she's gone
But when she calls me: "baby" - I feel fine
To think she's frantically, romantically mine

She's slender, but she's tender
She makes my heart surrender
And every night, when I hold her tight
The feeling is nice - my arms can go around twice

My lean baby - she's so slim
A broomstick's wider - but not as trim
And when she starts to kiss me - then I know
I love her so, I'll never, ever, let her go

My lean baby - strange to see
And all that nothing - it belongs to me
And though she may be scrawny - she's ok
Because I wouldn't want her any other way

She's so skinny - she's so drawn
When she stands sideways - you (would) think (that) she's gone
But when she calls me: "baby" - I feel fine
To think she's frantically, romantically mine

I chased her - and I caught her
Then a diamond ring - I bought her
(hey) the diamonds shine - the ring is so fine
But here is the twist - she wears it right on her wrist

My lean baby - she's so slim
A broomstick's wider - but not as trim
And when she starts to kiss me - then I know
I love her so, I'll never, ever, let her go

My lean baby - tall and thin...
(do-do-do-do-do,...)

Lobo - Don't Expect Me To Be Your Friend

She was gonna be my wife
And I was gonna be her man
But she let another guy come between us
And it shattered our plans

Well, Rhonda you caught my eye
And I can give you lotsa reasons why
You gotta help me Rhonda
Help me get her out of my heart

entire song is about Rhonda being a rebound

yup. and she's just "gotta" provide this emotional labor, cause he's bummed. he does declare that he can give her "lots of reasons why" this might actually be worth her while, but we don't hear them. bummer cause it's an amazing song.

yup, absolutely a rebound.

Barbara Ann is similar in theme. Both see the Beach Boys stumbling around tipsy and desperate at the party, pinning hopes and dreams on various women, believing if they reciprocate then everything will be okay

although i know Barbara Ann isn't an OG BB's song.

"Didn't I (Blow Your Mind)," though obviously a towering classic, is kinda one of these.

Ghostbusters theme.

Look I get what Ray is trying to do. But he's making Janine's job hell.

Look at the reasons he urges you to call:

*Something strange in your neighborhood (Like...a robbery?)

*Something weird and it don't look good (Like a crazy guy ranting with a megaphone?)

*If you're seeing things running through your head (Like...an acid trip?)

*If you're all alone (da fuq?)

Like the only valid reason he gives id the invisible man in the bed. Poor Janine is probably referring customers elsewhere all day

The Turtles, "Happy Together"

(That "My Lean Baby" song is amazing, btw)

From Sammy Johns 1973 hit, "Chevy Van":

"I gave a girl a ride in my wagon
She crawled in and took control
She was tired as her mind was a-draggin'
I said get some sleep and dream of rock'n'roll

'Cause like a princess she was laying there
Moonlight dancing off her hair
She woke up and took me by the hand
She's gonna love me in my Chevy van and that's all right with me

I put her out in a town that was so small
You could throw a rock from end to end
A dirt road main street, she walked off in bare feet
It's a shame I won't be passin' through again"

At least he waited for her to make the first move.

The singer in “Wham Rap” encourages being unemployed and has contempt for working people trying to make ends meet (“Hey jerk, you work. This boy’s got better things to do!”).

Rather that than Mick Jagger's contempt for the unemployed and 'lazy' & belief that work can 'kill poverty' in Let's Work.