Depression and what it's really like

Man, most people in my situation would've done it long ago. My will to survive is too strong for whatever reason, so it's not going to happen until I've finally lost it all. I'm holding on for dear life, and I hope to god I can pull this off.

i have faith in you man

c_k, where do you live? Surely there is a facility nearby that can provide some sort of intensive outpatient, or maybe even inpatient (I know this is probably not preferred), services. If properly diagnosed, you may qualify for some sort of government funded financial assistance. I know all that takes a lot of time, but it's worth looking into. You said you've been to law school, so you obviously are qualified enough to find decent work.

I know when you're feeling as defeated as you are right now, putting yourself out there in such ways that those actions require is next to impossible. That's why I would really see about getting into some sort of program or facility that could at least get a preliminary diagnosis in the works and start seeing if you could have any positive interactions with some sort of medication. It won't solve your problems instantly, or maybe ever, but it will possibly put them into a more manageable perspective.

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As for me, the last few days have brought with them some really intense migraines and equally as intense episodes of psychosis. With money dwindling down to nothing very quickly, I've been cancelling my doctor appointments for the past three months, in favor of using that money towards groceries and gas. After I realized I was having an unspoken conflict with a person in line at Starbucks who was not actually there, I decided to ask my mother for some money so I could afford the co-pay and whatever possible new/different meds would be prescribed. Luckily, she did not ask any detailed questions, so I was able to get in to see my doc yesterday. I told her everything that had been going on and she had some productive feedback and reassurance, in addition to a change in meds (back up to maximum dosage on quetiapine).

Other stuff happened and I may be returning to work fairly soon, actually. This has made me really nervous and fearful, compounding my already unstable state. It's best to just play music during these times, I've found. Not quite sure why this is so, but whenever my brain is really going haywire, I seem to become really productive musically. I mean, I guess I should say that I feel really proud of what I play during these times. And it gets me distracted for at least a little while. Here is the fruit of this afternoon's labor.

c_k, where do you live? Surely there is a facility nearby that can provide some sort of intensive outpatient, or maybe even inpatient (I know this is probably not preferred), services. If properly diagnosed, you may qualify for some sort of government funded financial assistance. I know all that takes a lot of time, but it's worth looking into. You said you've been to law school, so you obviously are qualified enough to find decent work.

If they can provide it for free, I'm all for it. But I can't do that right now: 100% of my time needs to be spent looking for work, because the owner's talking about shutting down this product (which he told me was doing great when I took the job), and if that happens, I'm living in a dumpster, which would be better than a shelter.

I don't have the luxury of any net underneath me, nor any family or friends out there to help. This is all me, 100% completely alone. A month is too long to wait in this situation.

Anyway, back to regularly scheduled programming.

i have faith in you man

― Week of Wonders (Ross), Saturday, August 26, 2017 11:06 PM (nineteen minutes ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

Oh yeah, and thanks for this. I'm not giving up without a fight.

:-)

I had an outraged phone call from a self righteous sibling of my partner earlier, moaning that I didn't call them immediately, when she tried to top herself last week. These same people that never give gave much of a fuck about visiting her when she was diagnosed with MS. nor visited her when she had a very problematic premature birth 15 years ago. Or have never given a 2nd thought about not inviting our "embarrassing" ASC kid to any family events. Not that I've ever given a flying fuck myself, tbh. But I know enough to know that when you are already at a very low ebb, the last thing you need is hypocritical arsehole family with fake concern and judgemental eyes, to deliver a coup de grace death blow to your already shattered confidence.

Fuck em

seconded

maybe they feel guilty and want to apologize?

for what is worth, Andrea said I would have been in the doghouse if I'd have told her family without consulting her. I can completely understand it as well.

Sounds like they're more pissed off about missing out on gossip/being the first to know, than being actually concerned.

Xps If they felt guilty or wanted to apologize they wouldn't have called with a tone of outrage or self righteousness.

Sounds like they're more pissed off about missing out on gossip/being the first to know, than being actually concerned.

Usually the case with these types. The reckless malice with which these people operate knows no bounds. Sorry to pass judgement on complete strangers, but that kind of behavior has done enough damage to me in my life and it's completely harmful to everyone involved.

you owe them nothing. i tend to give out asshole passes very liberally in situations like the one you're facing, but it sounds like they used up theirs long ago.

feeling pretty hopeless at the moment. Last time I was genuinely happy was 3 years ago, and that was for one day. Miss my ex partner who is still my friend, which is probably doing more harm than good. Family loves me, especially the nephews who are so loving. Friends love me, doesn't matter much when you're wracked with depression though. I don't love myself

we love you, Ross

that means a lot, right back at ya as well.

co-sign

you too veg :)

Family loves me, especially the nephews who are so loving. Friends love me, doesn't matter much when you're wracked with depression though. I don't love myself

otm

I have been dishonest with nearly everyone I know. And if people don't understand who I really am, it is mainly because I didn't present myself honestly. It's been that way since my first memory. I have been lying my entire life and mad at the world for not being able to see through it

God help us all. No one deserves it. It's so painful to read this thread. Why do these things happen to good people, not even good people, ehy do these things happen to anyone? Hardly anyone deserves it.

I have these real moments of clarity where i just want to throw it all up in the air, I'm already most of the way there already. But I think, oh it's 2 am and I'm very drunk. I shouldn't do that. Wait until morning and see if it's still a great idea. And of course it isn't in the morning. But then the whole day passes in one long big fat sack of nothing, absolutely nothing, and weeks and months and entire DECADES in the same way. God, you have to do something. It can't just keep happening this way all the way up to the end. Put aside the absurdity of contemporary life and the opposite of meaning, when you walk in the woods and you're totally alone, are you on with yourself? Because I used to be, and I remember tracing the paths of the electrical lines and wandering into someone else's property, and then hearing a gunshot and being too naive to realize it was intended to scare me off. But I headed back home like a frightened deer. Who the fuck fires a warning shot at a person in the woods?

You guys are fundamentally good and very real people. Lots of others feel similar but just crush it down into a dead spot at their core, which is basically wasting life. And Ross, even if you don't feel it, these people who love you are not wrong, and nobody is making them do it, so you just have to accept that you're worth that much, and grit it out until you begin to feel it for yourself again.
Ugh so trite, but you guys are pushing some heavy rocks here and it makes me wish I could help.

Xp: a special kind of someone

you're so right about that helpless sludgy drift of time, irrecoverably wasted, tho part of me is sure that it's just bad perspective, the dark glasses of depression showing us our world in the worst way. sometimes tho it's your only perspective, and even when I want to tell myself it's distorted I wonder how much of depression, especially as you get older, is justified regret, genuine failure and wrong paths taken.

But still - there's some tiny possibility in there I think, something in the woods and power lines and other people's property, some narrow existential wriggle room to go forward into. Nothing as grand as potential but I guess just enough reason to keep trying to find a connection to the cosmos, or my own space in it.

But that's just me, on a grey Tuesday morning, sad and slightly anxious but just about feeling like I could, maybe, keep going

Does anyone here know anything about coping with hypomania? I'm revved up in ways I haven't been in ages, and I don't know what to do about it.

Diana, I had some very similar symptoms some years ago after my issues first started to materialize. I was put on fluoxetine (prozac) and alprazolam (xanax) with pretty decent results, but that went by the wayside when I ended up in hospital a second time. It was good at calming me down without making me totally zonked out.

I've been on fluoxetine for ages. I was talking with my doctors about phasing off, but then I went through all sorts of stress with my mother. Plus my gynecologist said that Prozac seems to help women in perimenopause and menopause.

One element is that suddenly I've come back to life sexually, after being dead inside for ages. It might be frightening if it wasn't so annoying. Apart from everything else, there's no one in my life and I've forgotten how to meet people.

I've been going to work bc for assistance with getting back to work and unfortunately the case manager has made my mental health a hurdle. She told me that I could see a vocational counsellor if I wanted to but it wouldn't impede whether I met the job developers (who promote you to companies). Anyways, I asked her if the job developers reveal mental health information and she said I would have to meet them and ask. As money and time are tight I asked her to try to schedule a meeting with the job devs. She went and asked them about availability, came back and said my health was a barrier and I would need to see the vocational counsellor after all, which was scheduled over a week from now. I told her that this process has done more harm than good and left. I am ready to work, it's these clueless attitudes about mental health that suck

I'm doing my best to pull through, but I'm so hungry at this point that I don't think I have the energy to do this anymore. Food pantries have such utterly disgusting garbage that I can't eat that stuff. I can barely eat fast food without wanting to throw my guts up, let alone the processed canned Steve Brule atrocities they have there.

Being on a literal death spiral is kind of cool, though. It'll be nice to add my corpse to the pile for everyone else's comfort and luxury. I wish there was a way out of this, but in America, there just isn't. It's a shame all of my hard work was for nothing.

Ross, that's awful. It's ridiculous and stupid that employers still get to get away with non-specific discrimination based on behavioral health issues when there are clear grounds for suit if they try the same stunts with physically disabled people. Not comparing suffering, but it bears mention.

carpet_kaiser - hang on, man. We care about you

El - That's a good point you mention. The outcome of this scenario is I took a one hour cool down, came back and asked that my depression not prevent me from seeing a job developer. My case manager went and brought the job developer in and he said that he was sorry that it may have come across as discrimination and that it was up to me to see a vocational counsellor. Which is fucked up, because my case manager led me to believe it was a necessity by outright telling me you need to see a VC first?? I dunno what happened here, maybe a change of heart, but it was ultimately frustrating.

The best counter to depression I find is reminding yourself why it's worth it. Family, friends, this place, music/movies - bright lights in the worst of times.

yeah, that never works for me in deep depression because I usually get the anhedonia where no music or movies sound interesting and family and friends are the people I feel I've let down!

usually getting myself away from the normal routine does it, remembering to exercise, going for a long walk or even drive, going to a different place helps a little

It's a really bad day when I can't even pick up my guitar.

Today is one of those days.

mh - sometimes i tell myself things to believe things to improve the life situation but yeah a lot of the feeling i've left people down is somewhere in the background anyways.

austin - if that means so much to ya i'd wish you'd just pick it up even to tune it/play something, no matter what is.

Trying to figure out how to proceed ... right now I'm just trying to accept things and move on.

I have to read stuff like this to find people who "get" what it's like:At the Mind's Limits: Contemplations by a Survivor on Auschwitz and its Realities

What kind of therapy is out there for stuff like that? What therapist would be willing to put their own well-being on the line to help someone like me? I have no idea. This seems like a job only I can do that I have to personally come to terms with alone. It ain't easy!

I met a woman at work I want to ask out, but my life is such a mess that I've been pushing her away... but it feels like one of those opportunities I shouldn't let pass me by. I just don't have the money or health right now to do it, and she's about to give up on me. What a cruel joke.

Whoever has succumbed to torture can no longer feel at home in the world. The shame of destruction cannot be erased. Trust in the world, which already collapsed in part at the first blow, but in the end, under torture, fully, will not be regained. That one’s fellow man was experienced as the antiman remains in the tortured person as accumulated horror. It blocks the view into a world in which the principle of hope rules. One who was martyred is a defenseless prisoner of fear. It is fear that henceforth reigns over him. ―Jean Amery

Yup, that's pretty much it.

Have you read Viktor Frankl? Man's Search for Meaning. Go check it out I think you'd get a lot out of it.

Yeah, I've got that one on audio book. Maybe I'll listen to it again soon.

It's like there's this strange dual reality going on. I still feel love in my heart, and I still have a sense of humor and fun. I still have some hope for my life left. Yet I carry this burden of terrifying knowledge about humanity, society, and the world that's out of step with everyone else. My frame of experience is real, yet it's not "real" in the world as far as shared experience goes and the way society and relationships are structured.

I just have to accept that I'll never be "normal" and I'll always be out of step in the world. Which is permanent and I have no power to change. I grew up in enforced social isolation which nearly drove me insane, and I'll always be socially isolated because of my experiences. Not to mention being crippled in so many other ways to make living a "normal" life difficult.

What an act of incredible, mind-shattering cruelty, all for a bunch of laughs. For laughs! For a bunch of shits and giggles. Oh well, maybe through some miracle of self-will I can pull it together, ask out that woman, and everything will be hunky dory, skipping through fields of flowers and critters in the sunshine. I'm not sure how much I should laugh about that one.

Anyway, enough on my own dark-ass life.

carry that hope, carpet, it's very important

Thanks. My main hope now is getting food to eat, which probably won't happen for another two weeks, and I'm probably going to faint from hunger. But that's just something you have to accept about life in the US.

It's definitely putting a wrench in my plans to find a new job.

Try to locate a food bank in your area.

I looked a few up and they aren't open past working hours, so that's a no go, and none of them are near me. I don't qualify for any safety net benefits since I make too much money, am single with no kids, and yet not enough to ya know, eat! So that's pretty funny.

I just have to tough it out.

It's weird, the food pantries around here only serve people who are "referred" by agencies and churches, others require SNAP. We have a damn miserable safety net in this country.

Falling from the bourgie class has really opened my eyes to how fucking fucked this country is for a lot of people. God damn! I could very well die in this situation and there's nothing to stop me.

So yeah, food banks are clearly an option cut off to me. I'll figure something out.

yeah..i mean..i've been unemployed for 4 months, essentially have no money and bills left n right and don't know how I'll pay next months rent. Not sure what's keeping me going but the human spirit is a weird thing

Don't give up, let that survival instinct bring out a side of you that you may not know you have. It's a sad state of affairs in our country right now, though ... you're not alone seeing this side of things. It's ghastly.