your most important local news story the world must know about

go and rub david hume's toe instead

http://i.imgur.com/OTh0QDf.jpg
http://i.imgur.com/gucaTGa.jpg

So have you all heard about the Danish space rocket maker who took a Swedish journalist on to his private submarine, killed her (allegedly), definitely carved up her body and threw the headless torso into the ocean, and sunk the sub? That's most of what everyones talking about, and I've seen write-ups in WaPo and other places as well. Absolutely fucked up.

that story is really insane. i thought all those Scando murder novels were a little OTT but apparently not.

Headline news over here tho god knows why

And here. Not quite the local news the thread was designed for tbh.

can't believe I didn't post these a month earlier, the birth of two new Manitowoc legends:

http://www.htrnews.com/story/news/2017/07/18/man-set-fire-manitowoc-police-had-chest-beard-hair-singed/489902001/

The 32-year-old Manitowoc man arrested Friday for standing naked in the street was relatively unharmed after being accidentally set on fire during his arrest, Manitowoc police said.

At a press conference Tuesday, police said a Taser shot by officers had connected to a lighter Travis L. Tingler was holding during his arrest, and the Taser's contact on the lighter likely caused a burst of fire that singed the hair on Tingler's chest and beard.

https://www.usatoday.com/story/news/2017/07/20/manitowoc-alderman-mike-howe-tries-climb-cow-arrested-owi/497335001/

MANITOWOC - Manitowoc Common Council Alderman Michael Howe was arrested in the early morning hours of July 4 after being seen with a group of individuals trying to mount "Bernice," the giant cow statue in front of Cedar Crest Dairy on South 10th Street.

lived in this city for 15 years, never knew her name was Bernice

LOL I just found this one on the ABC news website. I lived in this st a couple years ago.

http://www.abc.net.au/news/2017-07-29/tree-down-in-brunswick/8756546

Very to the point journalism right there.

lol

Gonorrhea in Anne Arundel County up 69 percent

nice

Sheriff's Office: Man with 'Undercover Detective' on T-shirt Who Pulled woman Over Not an Arkansas Deputy

... or is he?

perfect disguise imo

Federal Breast Inspector.

well tbf if we don't inspect the federal breasts on a regular basis they could get out of hand

this isn't super important, but earlier this year a northwestern professor was involved in a grisly sex murder and now this guy with a doctorate in neuroscience from the same school is going to be tried for pushing a random stranger onto the train tracks and preventing him from getting up. and his neighbor said he seemed "normal" (aside from the incident where he said "fuck you" to her for no apparent reason)

agggghhhhhhhh

https://www.dnainfo.com/chicago/20171011/downtown/chad-estep-ben-benedict-cta-tracks-stranger-attack-third-rail-cubs-game-august-free-on-bond

https://sf.eater.com/2017/11/8/16625202/oakland-bar-owner-small-wonder-uptown-sexual-abuse-charges-allegations

There's municipal elections today, the left is doing okay. The new Green left party has been involved in a scandal regarding their election night party, and where they planned to have it. It led to the spokesman saying these immortal words:

"All I'm saying is that there's no fuckswing. The plan from the board of directors has always been that there should not be a fuckswing at this arrangement"

(my translation)

i love the dialogue in this one

SAN DIEGO (KGTV) – A man was rushed to the hospital Thursday morning after he was hit by a train in downtown San Diego and severed his right forearm.

The incident was reported at about 3:25 a.m. on the heavy freight rails running parallel to Harbor Drive in front of the San Diego Convention Center's Hall C, 10News learned.

10News cameras were there as the pedestrian, believed to be in his 30s, said of his injury: "My hand … Oh my God, my hand!"

Throughout the ordeal, the man remained conscious while medics attended to him and placed him into an ambulance to transport him to UC San Diego Medical Center.

Medics told officers, "Hey gentlemen … if we could find that arm that would be really helpful."

According to authorities, the forearm was recovered hundreds of feet from where the injured man was found.

Details on what led to the incident remain unclear.

Lol

Gonna say right out that that's not lol

remember the lmao otm about the lol

losing my arm ouch

that’s me in the corner

Dateline Woking, England: Woman rode motorbike naked, had sex in the street and punched a blind man. Also racially abused one of the police officers who arrested her. Her defence barrister claimed in court that she was 'addicted to inhaling butane gas'.

Lady Godiva she ain’t

Lad y go diva

hey, the mall I went to growing up is in the news!

Body unnoticed in Atlanta area mall for weeks

hey, the mall I went to growing up is in the news!

Body unnoticed in Atlanta area mall for weeks🕸

Motorists got a surprise on the Sydney Harbour Bridge after a wayward wallaby was spotted hopping through traffic just before peak hour.

The wallaby jumped through cars from lane eight to lane one, onto the Cahill Expressway and then to Macquarie Street on Tuesday at 5am.

Officers were able to capture the startled animal, and the Taronga Zoo vet will check over the marsupial later in the day.

"It's believed the wallaby may have come from Cammeray Golf Course (in the city's north), but unfortunately he's not talking to us," NSW police spokeswoman told AAP.

The animal is in good health, she said.

"It was just standing there minding its own business, there was a police car with flashing lights," driver Ray told 2GB.

"I'm from the bush, I'm used to seeing them running all over the place, but I've never seen one so close in the city before."

Video:

Wallaby on the Sydney Harbour Bridge and Cahill Expressway - Filmed at about 5am by some very helpful police officers who protected the wallaby. The animal is now in the care of staff at @tarongazoo. #7News pic.twitter.com/ZKXLNLCX6V

— 7 News Sydney (@7NewsSydney) January 15, 2018

From the offical police press release:

Traffic controllers from the Transport Management Centre monitored the wallaby as it hopped across to lane one and, without indicating, exited onto Cahill Expressway then to Macquarie Street.

Officers took the startled macropod into police custody near the Conservatorium of Music, with the Police Mounted Unit arriving on scene soon after to take it to the zoo for veterinary assessment.

Suspect subdued:
https://www.fairfaxstatic.com.au/content/dam/images/h/0/i/s/4/v/image.related.articleLeadwide.620x349.h0irxx.png/1516046942278.jpg

The wallaby was taken to Taronga’s Wildlife Intensive Care Unit shortly after 5am. The zoo released a statement, which reads:

“The animal was thoroughly assessed by Senior Veterinarian Dr Larry Vogelnest including a full body X-Ray which thankfully did not reveal any significant injuries. The wallaby has been administered pain medication and fluids and is currently in Taronga’s Wildlife Intensive Care Unit for recovery and further monitoring.”

Officers took the startled macropod into police custody

Operation Prometheus: three hundred Spartan-III soldiers will be sent to destroy a Covenant shipyard located on an asteroid oh wait that's Halo.
Operation Prometheus: https://www.getsurrey.co.uk/news/surrey-news/operation-prometheus-surrey-police-burglar-14218417
Man with 'specialist skills' committing violent burglaries where victims are threatened with shotgun.
So named because officers will be served liver for lunch every day until they catch him.

Oh and they're calling this person the Night Watcher.

this is such a rollercoaster ride

http://www.mysheboygan.com/2018/03/sheboygan-man-eating-wet-wipe-leads-to-disturbance/

Police spoke with a woman who told officers when she came home, she found Oakley eating a wet wipe. The woman did not understand why he would be eating a disinfectant wipe so, the couple began to argue about it. Oakley tried swallowing the wet wipe, but could not, and eventually gave up on trying to eat the wipe.

The woman also told police that she had brought Oakley food and he got upset, saying that he already ate, and then smashed the sandwich she placed in front of him. When the woman went to leave the residence, Oakley reportedly grabbed her by the arm and pulled her back.

According to the complaint, the man told the woman that he was going to kill her family.

can't help but read 'my sheboygan' to the tune of 'my sharona'

A randy Wollongong train traveller caught engaging in a “free” sex act with a fellow passenger one day last December now has a lasting legacy of their time together – a criminal conviction.

Sh4ne L4urence Brennan was riding the 9.56am service from Port Kembla on December 14 when he noticed a female passenger masturbating on one of the seats and approached her.

After a brief interaction, the woman began performing oral sex on Brennan.

He later told police he didn’t have to “pay for it”.

The entire incident was caught on the train’s closed circuit cameras.

Brennan returned to his seat as the train pulled into Wollongong Railway Station.

City Rail staff waiting on the station platform later told police they could see Brennan holding his exposed genitals from where they stood.

Staff subsequently entered Brennan’s carriage to discover a “large and disgusting” liquid mess on the floor.

They originally thought it was urine, however Brennan told them it was Cola from a bottle he was carrying.

“I wasn’t having a piss, I spilled my coke, go and have a look, it’s just coke,” he said to police who arrived on the scene a short time later.

However, when further questioned, Brennan admitted he had splashed the Cola over his genitals in a bid to “clean myself up” after the sexual activity.

”I got a blow job on the train and I was rinsing my cock off,” he told officers.

Brennan was allowed to leave the location on the condition he not return for at least two hours.

I don’t see the problem

i just got a blow job and rinsed off with coke, officer, i won't come back for two hours.

not a minute less, mind

A commuter who received a criminal conviction and a $700 fine after receiving oral sex on the train wants to know 'how can you be so lucky and unlucky in the one day?'

Sh4ne Brennan, from Wollongong, south of Sydney, pleaded guilty to willful and obscene exposure and behaving in an offensive manner in court on Tuesday.

Mr Brennan said he started speaking to the woman - who had a 'mad body' - on the train platform when she said, 'I'm horny, will you fuck me?'

He now regrets his actions that followed after he received a 'bollocking' from a magistrate, his encounter was written up in the regional newspaper and his partner may find out.

Mr Brennan said he had explained to his partner that 'it is what it is'

The man (pictured) who received a criminal conviction and a $700 fine after receiving oral sex on a train says he would not do it again

'She was pretty horny and ready to go. Toey as,' Mr Brennan said on Wednesday.

He declined to have sex with her - but when the woman started masturbating on the otherwise 'empty' train carriage they shared he decided he would let her perform oral sex instead.

No one was in the carriage during the late-morning service, he claimed, and the sexual encounter was over in a matter of minutes. 'As soon as the deed was done I was out of there and off.'

But the crime was all captured on train CCTV and staff were waiting on the platform when the train pulled in, the court reportedly heard.

'I didn't know they had cameras all throughout the train,' he said.

The woman was a bit younger than him, he said, but 'wasn't a good sort'. It's unclear whether she ever got in trouble for her lewd behaviour, something he finds outrageous. 'She was the one masturbating. If she didn't offer me nothing I wouldn't have fucking done it.'

Meantime, the magistrate 'wasn't happy' with him in court this week.

'He said I well and truly crossed the line. And that sort of behaviour can't be tolerated, which is understandable.'

Mr Brennan pointed out there was no one in the carriage at the time and 'you'd think the train guard would've said "good on ya, mate".'

He would not do it again- and has been placed on a 12 month good behaviour bond - but asked: 'How many f***ing men would have knocked it back?'

So when is he flying out to South Africa to join the rest of the Australian cricket team?

shane really just tells it like it is

UK wife-carrying contest takes place in Dorking

"In other words, at least a dozen birds binged on alcoholic berries believed to be from a nearby bush. It caused them to crash into buildings and cars, or fall out of trees and die."

http://katv.com/news/local/several-birds-found-dead-after-consuming-alcoholic-berries

http://theprovince.com/news/local-news/woman-detained-after-feces-flinging-incident-at-langley-tim-hortons

https://www.theguardian.com/cities/2018/may/18/dutch-locals-crowdfund-25ft-penis-fountain-in-protest-against-modern-art-project-leeuwarden-european-capital-of-culture-2018-cornelia-parker

hell yeah dick fountains

https://www.theguardian.com/world/2018/may/21/danish-politician-inger-stjberg-muslims-ramadan

It's not really local news if it's in the Guardian and not just the Aalborg Bugle.