Depression and what it's really like

so I took my first citalopram this morning after putting it off for a week for various reasons, the main one being remembering how tough the first two weeks of fluoxetine were. Turns out fluoxetine was a walk in the park compared to this. About two hours after taking it the headache started and I went to lie down. I felt like I was going to be sick and I couldn't stop laughing or crying. It just got worse and worse, like every emotion I could imagine being turned up into the red. I was ripping holes in the clothes I was wearing and chewing through the neck of my t-shirt and I couldn't stop screaming and sobbing. I wanted to grab a pair of scissors to hack off my hair and then I started getting all kinds of horrible mental visions of damage I could to myself with them, and even though I knew this was all nonsense I couldn't get it out my head. My partner was thankfully off today and realised that something was up (especially when I couldn't bear to be touched, even just holding hands was freaking me out) and phoned the doctor. He said that because I was experiencing so much energy that the best thing I could do was go for a walk so we went to the park for an hour. I must have looked some sight, in my shorts in the rain struggling to keep it together, but I calmed down, came home and slept a few hours. It was easily the most terrifying experience of my life, worse than being robbed at knifepoint or coming home to find I'd been burgled. My doctor has recommended I don't take anything for two days and then on Monday take a half-tablet but I genuinely don't see myself ever going near this stuff again.

my doctor put me on 10mg for the first two weeks and then it went up to 20mg. i didn't experience anything like that but i think - trying to sequence the memories in my head - i was pretty low-level angry for weeks, found it very hard to be around anybody except for certain kinds of people. obviously they warn you about these potential side effects, if i'd gone thru what you're describing i think i'd have asked to try something different

Jesus fucking Christ that sounds absolutely horrifying :( :( :(

I'm lucky - none of the ADs I've tried have had any serious side effects (the worst was suicidal ideation but I'm not sure that was caused by the Zoloft).

IANAD but... considering your reaction was that severe and debilitating, I don't get why your dr would still recommend it, even at a lower dose. I'd be too scared to take again.

I vaguely recall reading something a while ago about genetic testing that can help figure out the right ADs for a person - anyone know how legit that is? It doesn't seem right, considering scientists don't even really know exactly how ADs work.

if any doctor insists on prescribing this for me again I'll be finding a new doctor.

The whole thing feels like a disaster. I only went to the doctor to get signed off work because a lot of factors were stressing me out and I didn't want to make myself ill like I was last time I fell into my own head. But this has been so scary and upsetting, even though I know it's just brain chemistry, it's the thought I'll always have this lurking somewhere around me ready to ruin whatever comfort is in my life.

I vaguely recall reading something a while ago about genetic testing that can help figure out the right ADs for a person - anyone know how legit that is? It doesn't seem right, considering scientists don't even really know exactly how ADs work.

I've done this twice now and I'm not sure I even have anything close to definitive to tell you about it. From my understanding of it (which, itself, may be way off the mark), the doctor needs to have a medication in mind to be tested for. So, it's a pretty easy cheek swab. But then, the doctor has to say, "Okay, check that sample for its compatibility with ________." So, even that could be a totally flawed design. Because, yeah, the test may come back that you're more easily compatible with whatever the inquired medication was, but who knows, there could be another out there that you're even more compatible with.

(in my understanding of how it works)

You literally have to test for every single medication out there in order to get the full picture.

I don't like when people romanticize depression. I get depression memes from a friend sometime, and sure they are great but they can perpetuate that dire feeling. Sometimes I wonder if my lack of ability to imagine happiness is why I stay in this rut, like "happy" has become a dirty word. Just a thought.

http://i.imgur.com/1x1XBfa.jpg

A+ Austin

I browse imgur a lot and I've seen depression-themed memes crop up a lot more frequently over the last year. Even though I can relate to some of them (very few, probably less than a third, honestly) I can't help but feel like it's mostly just shenanigans by someone who wanted to get cheap upvotes.

Which is equally frustrating and defeating.

why does that get them upvotes?

imgur has one of the worst communities on the entire internet

Yeah, I don't know, it's a weird cross section of "free speech Libertarians" (please notice the quotes) mixed with a snarky, decidedly trollish demeanor. Like, contrarian for contrarian's sake, with just a dash of overbearing 4chan-ish shock posting.

For example, the general consensus of users seem to hold the opinion that rape is considered one of the most vile things somebody can do. Yet, I see pretty frequent posts that are just like a picture of the falsely accused Duke University students titled "NEVER FORGET." And that sort of shit gets upvoted like crazy. Yet, the majority of people there will type their fingers down to the bone about how much they hate politics and political content. And it's not even like upvotes really count for anything, other than social media notoriety. It's a pretty gross display, actually.

So, I mostly stick to guitar gear and cat posts.

Cats are the best

The idea of spending the next 40 or so years living this way, feeling this way, is keeping me awake tonight.

i'm there with you, well in spirit at least. i've barely slept the last few days. the realization that this is what i have my life into, in the most forgiving of circumstances. it's very hard. all i want to do is sleep, but it's impossible.

honestly same

The idea of spending the next 40 or so years living this way, feeling this way, is keeping me awake tonight.

are there extended periods of time where you break out of it? i have extended afternoons where things are ok, or weekends, but things always snap back to the way they were. i know what i need to do to get out of it, or at least i have an idea, but i just can't do it.

wishing you all the best

My partner tried to OD this morning, she took 40 Co-Dydramol, it took me an hour to work out wtf had happened and how much she'd taken, but looking back I was too slow on the uptake and should have phoned the ambulance as soon I was suspicious. It is the 17th anniversary of her mum's death and the recent PIP thing hit her hard.

I tell you people, don't do this kind of shit - it can cause us non-suicidal fuckers to nearly have a heart attack.

And now I've now got to take a surly and angry teenager to the A+E rather than the planned swimming trip, sorry if it sounds cold, but ffs what a precious + selfish act :(

best thoughts for everyone, calz

Jesus, that's rough. Best to you and your family, man.

We had grim lols with the ambulance crew when working out everything she had had: So you remembered to take your morning beta blocker as well then.

if you're wondering you absolutely get to be mad at us when we pull shit like this. it's a cruel and hateful thing for us to do. we don't necessarily mean it that way. our heads are all fucked up to where we often legitimately think everyone will be happier once we're dead, that we're nothing but a burden. we often don't think we even have a choice in the matter, that suicide is something we _have_ to do.

none of that excuses anything. our illness causes us to hurt the people we love most, and we're responsible for those actions.

fuck calzino, that's horrible - best wishes to all of you, and hope your partner gets the support she needs from the health services

love and good wishes to all of you calz

thinking of you and your partner and the wee one, I hope you guys are all OK

I'm really sorry calzino. But I really take exception to suicide being referred to as selfish. If someone has a chronic or terminal illness and kills themselves then people are so much more understanding. We already suffer silently every day because we don't want to stress out our loved ones. This thread often feels like the only place I have where I can be honest because I know my husband doesn't read it. I've already promised him I won't kill my self because I know it would destroy him. But living like this kills me on the inside every day.

Karl, I have stretches of time, maybe a few hours, where I'm not actively thinking about what a complete waste of resources I am. But it never lasts.

Best wishes calzino and xx

my bookmark got way behind at some point so I haven't been keeping up but love, strength, and solidarity to everyone as always <3

omg so sorry calzino

hang in there

Cal, I'm so sorry to hear that. You don't seem like you are at this point, but please don't take those actions personally. Speaking from experience, it is 100% based within one's own headspace. Hard to call it "selfish" in the traditional sense, because it is such a layered and fully self-immersed mindset that gets one to that point. I was so far removed from the implications my actions would have on others that instead of writing a note to anyone I literally opened my notebook up to a blank page, wrote the word "nevermind" in the middle of the page, closed the notebook and put it back on the shelf. However, at the time, that made absolutely perfect sense to handle it like that.

I've been on a really bad stretch lately and have been feeling like there's something big in the making. Either some sort of major developments in regards to my conflict with my job or some other kind of "new phase." Can't say I'm very optimistic either way, honestly.

Sorry for the judgemental post earlier, it was done totally in the heat of having a very shit morning. I appreciate this is supposed to be a judgement free zone for people to air their struggles with depression.

"If someone has a chronic or terminal illness and kills themselves then people are so much more understanding."

Andrea has had the full works recently; depression, teenager with autism going through an extremely violent phase, multiple sclerosis and then getting completely misrepresented/humiliated at a PIP assessment and the failed appeal and she kept saying the anniversary of her mum's death was coming up.

No worries dude. I totally understand your position. I'm just sensitive to it after recently finding out from my sister that my parents had a grand old time talking about what a weak coward Chester Bennington was for committing suicide.

A close friend of my was recently diagnosed with. MS, and is trying to come to terms with what that means for her life.

rushomancy post was as close as anyone can come to fully developed wisdom on this subject.

totally in the heat of having a very shit morning

understatement if anything. good luck with mending the rip that put in all your lives.

great post rushomancy

all good wishes to you and your partner & family, calzino

Once again I find myself in that state of agitation and restlessness and wondering if I shouldn't maybe consult an exorcist instead of a therapist. Wouldn't it be nice if I could be doused with holy water and relieved of all these worries and lusts and appetites?

^ yep

best wishes to you and yours at this time, calzino.

unemployment has crushed my confidence and compounded the depression. I've started going to a work resource center Monday to Friday to get out of the house and be around other job seekers. The upside is i'm no longer drinking during the day and that cuts my problems down quite a bit. I'm deeply aware of the triggers in my life, what I'm worried about is that even if I can navigate them, I will still have that empty feeling.

The only thing I want now is a peaceful, dignified death of my own choosing. For all the things I survived and lived through, for all the work I've put into my life, it's led up to nothing. The way our society is these days, there's no chance of me ever getting a life worth living... it requires significant help from other people, and nobody's willing to do that shit unless there's something in it for them. You gotta have money to make money, they say. I've got nothing of anything. I'm just some sad sack fuck born into an awful life who "survived".

Doesn't matter. Life isn't one of those inspirational movies or posters you see in a guidance counselor's office. Sometimes there's just a bad ending, caused by random misfortune, and that's it. The end.

It'd be nice if we could have legalized euthanasia, because I really don't want to cause any harm to people. People care so little that they don't understand or care to know how horrifying the world can be, and they mock you and dismiss you when you desperately try to reach out for help. Living through tragedy really is a fate worse than death, at least in my case.

My god damn family really did succeed in murdering me, in a truly brilliant, underhanded way. Hats off to those pieces of dog shit.

hang in there carpet_kaiser - can relate

Thanks. There are horrifying things in this world that happen, and people laugh in your face when you try to tell them. I went to a PTSD support group, and the leader did this obnoxious Jim Carrey expression at me when I tried to share my story. People can be real pieces of shit.

It's like you're desperately fighting for your life to claw to safety from a genuine threat of death, and you get your hands stomped on. What a fucking world, man. No wonder nobody tried to help me when I was a kid. What the hell is the human race.

Fuck it, I'm not going to kill myself. I'm going to go back to my old way of doing things, farting in the face of the world, and doing what I want, when I want.

That was a lot more fun. My project in becoming a decent, humane person was an utter failure. I've discovered that's an impossible goal in America, beyond pretending to be that for show.

"The only way to deal with an unfree world is to become so absolutely free that your very existence is an act of rebellion".

Fuck em carpet kaiser, be you :)

Thanks. I'm going to make this my new theme song

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0oMNWGZ-qSs

I know I don't suffer from clinical depression, but I am on massive downer right now. And under normal circumstances I am brilliant at batting off the general twattery of other people. But i'm pretty weak at the moment and I've let two little incidents upset my mood: an arsehole security guard at Asda when Alex was having a meltdown in the car park, and some drunken thuggish arsehole in the local Onestop queue, mimicking me because my accent went from Yorkshire to posh for some unexplained reason when I said "thank You". My theory is if there were less arseholes in the world, even people suffering from clinical depression would at least have a sporting chance of coping with the condition.

Just catching up calz, chin up man. You do great.

I'm lucky that no matter bad I feel, I always reset after a night's sleep. I feel sorry for people live feeling like that all the time.

who live

My missus gets out of hospital tomorrow and is paranoid about her new suicidal status. I think she has a sense of disbelief that she actually went for it. She wanted to bail out tonight, but I persuaded her to stay because now she has been assigned a social worker and is under observation, I think she needs to be careful. I'm paranoid that they might try and section her if she doesn't play ball.