Depression and what it's really like

That's not chickenshit - that's just doing what you feel is best to protect yourself. No ones gonna judge you for that.

Ross, are you on any prescribed medications? Are you taking them as prescribed? How are you able to find a mental balance between the street drugs blending with the prescribed ones?

I know when I started on anti-depressants and benzos, I could absolutely not handle even a contact high from marijuana. It literally incapacitated me mentally, and physically, I was a heart racing, trembling mess. Whereas, previous to the prescribed meds, like I said earlier, I was a 24/7 smoker and it was not a big deal at all.
_______________________________________________________________
I was hoping this topic would not be revived again anytime soon. My mother received some negative news in regards to her health and I've spent the last week trying to reconcile with it and how absolutely garbage it made me feel to hear her apologize for being a burden when she was breaking the news to me. Not that there's a good time for someone close to get very seriously ill, but this feels especially poorly timed. I've essentially retreated to my bedroom and my music gear, as I am having a fairly hard time with all of it. When I'm not fiddling with my guitar, I've been popping Benadryls like crazy, as I would rather just sleep. Cancelled my appointment this past week with my therapist because I am not really feeling like I'm in any shape to leave the house. I've put on some weight, as well, because of my inactivity.

I was really working myself up yesterday because I started to realize how much of my own music these days is sounding like something a less-talented Vini Reilly might play. And then it occurred to me that he has been left unable to play music these past few years, due to his own personal health deteriorating, and how unbelievably frustrating and miserable that must be for him. I started to consider how quickly I would find a way to kill myself if I could not play music.

Just kind of struggling right now.

re: SAD - I definitely have a lot more energy in the summer, which at worst ends up manifesting as anger and anxiety, but if I "channel" it well (big if ...) I am more productive, and things feel more exciting ... or I have times like now where I sit and think, "why am I saving money? Everything is bleak and there's probably no future. Maybe I shouldn't worry about savings and just spend money whenever I want."

completely relate to that sarahell, OTM

I don't really follow this thread regularly - it breaks my heart to think of you guys suffering like this. But I did open it because I've been under a lot of stress lately with some stuff at work and dealing with a break-in and not really finding anywhere to move to quickly etc and I had to get signed off for a few weeks. I've been prescribed citalopram for the first time, I've been on fluoxetine before but I'm expecting this to be different, and if nothing else I'm so glad to have caught the "don't come off it quickly" advice in the recent posts because that's the kind of silly thing I would do.

A lot of the stuff in this thread is hitting hard with its familiarity too, it's comforting to know it's not just me. Much love to you guys.

boxedjoy <3

I mentioned SAD to my psych and he checked my file and showed that all of my admissions had been in spring, I think. Not sure what that means.

Not been having a good time, but keeping things in check so far. New psychiatrist (I think my old one got promoted out of clinical work?) so see how that goes. I had a terrible week but it seems to have lifted.

April is the cruellest month

First day on Wellbutrin today. It and Paxil don't interact, so am gonna slowly taper off Paxil while tapering on wb. (Note: new psychtrist's idea)

So far so good

I totally stopped the Zoloft last week. Idk if it's related but the last few days I've been really lightheaded.

it's related

iirc

ugh zoloft withdrawal completely destroyed me both times i've gone through it (once via losing health insurance, once via changing meds)

i was on a really high dose, though

paxil has been helping me but it feels as though part of my brain is constantly having to beat back bad thoughts and emotions. just constantly battling under the surface. which is better than being a depressed mess but it's kind of exhausting

I've been on Paxil since 1995. Started losing ground kinda badly about two and a half years ago. Just glad to have found a psychiatrist who takes my insurance finally.

People with depression can be very strong. We've had to adapt to adversity and roll with the punches when shit is at its worst. I want to rep for you all and hope that you see your strength even in the lowest of lows

Brimstead, how much were you on? I was on 200 and went down by 50 every 7 days, then stayed at the last 50 for a few weeks. This weird lightheadedness fucking sucks. I spent most of last weekend in bed and I've got a feeling this weekend is gonna be the same.

Same, jus1n3, 200 mg. I think I tapered the same as you (i was in such a fog the whole time i can't remember precisely).
It's funny, though, because i swear i experienced "heavyheadedness", like my head felt so heavy. just turning to check my blind spot while driving gave me a headache and nausea. couldn't walk around or do stuff for more than 20 minutes without having to lie down. definitely spent most of the time in bed.

honesltly felt like one of those rage cartoons for a month or so

so I took my first citalopram this morning after putting it off for a week for various reasons, the main one being remembering how tough the first two weeks of fluoxetine were. Turns out fluoxetine was a walk in the park compared to this. About two hours after taking it the headache started and I went to lie down. I felt like I was going to be sick and I couldn't stop laughing or crying. It just got worse and worse, like every emotion I could imagine being turned up into the red. I was ripping holes in the clothes I was wearing and chewing through the neck of my t-shirt and I couldn't stop screaming and sobbing. I wanted to grab a pair of scissors to hack off my hair and then I started getting all kinds of horrible mental visions of damage I could to myself with them, and even though I knew this was all nonsense I couldn't get it out my head. My partner was thankfully off today and realised that something was up (especially when I couldn't bear to be touched, even just holding hands was freaking me out) and phoned the doctor. He said that because I was experiencing so much energy that the best thing I could do was go for a walk so we went to the park for an hour. I must have looked some sight, in my shorts in the rain struggling to keep it together, but I calmed down, came home and slept a few hours. It was easily the most terrifying experience of my life, worse than being robbed at knifepoint or coming home to find I'd been burgled. My doctor has recommended I don't take anything for two days and then on Monday take a half-tablet but I genuinely don't see myself ever going near this stuff again.

my doctor put me on 10mg for the first two weeks and then it went up to 20mg. i didn't experience anything like that but i think - trying to sequence the memories in my head - i was pretty low-level angry for weeks, found it very hard to be around anybody except for certain kinds of people. obviously they warn you about these potential side effects, if i'd gone thru what you're describing i think i'd have asked to try something different

Jesus fucking Christ that sounds absolutely horrifying :( :( :(

I'm lucky - none of the ADs I've tried have had any serious side effects (the worst was suicidal ideation but I'm not sure that was caused by the Zoloft).

IANAD but... considering your reaction was that severe and debilitating, I don't get why your dr would still recommend it, even at a lower dose. I'd be too scared to take again.

I vaguely recall reading something a while ago about genetic testing that can help figure out the right ADs for a person - anyone know how legit that is? It doesn't seem right, considering scientists don't even really know exactly how ADs work.

if any doctor insists on prescribing this for me again I'll be finding a new doctor.

The whole thing feels like a disaster. I only went to the doctor to get signed off work because a lot of factors were stressing me out and I didn't want to make myself ill like I was last time I fell into my own head. But this has been so scary and upsetting, even though I know it's just brain chemistry, it's the thought I'll always have this lurking somewhere around me ready to ruin whatever comfort is in my life.

I vaguely recall reading something a while ago about genetic testing that can help figure out the right ADs for a person - anyone know how legit that is? It doesn't seem right, considering scientists don't even really know exactly how ADs work.

I've done this twice now and I'm not sure I even have anything close to definitive to tell you about it. From my understanding of it (which, itself, may be way off the mark), the doctor needs to have a medication in mind to be tested for. So, it's a pretty easy cheek swab. But then, the doctor has to say, "Okay, check that sample for its compatibility with ________." So, even that could be a totally flawed design. Because, yeah, the test may come back that you're more easily compatible with whatever the inquired medication was, but who knows, there could be another out there that you're even more compatible with.

(in my understanding of how it works)

You literally have to test for every single medication out there in order to get the full picture.

I don't like when people romanticize depression. I get depression memes from a friend sometime, and sure they are great but they can perpetuate that dire feeling. Sometimes I wonder if my lack of ability to imagine happiness is why I stay in this rut, like "happy" has become a dirty word. Just a thought.

http://i.imgur.com/1x1XBfa.jpg

A+ Austin

I browse imgur a lot and I've seen depression-themed memes crop up a lot more frequently over the last year. Even though I can relate to some of them (very few, probably less than a third, honestly) I can't help but feel like it's mostly just shenanigans by someone who wanted to get cheap upvotes.

Which is equally frustrating and defeating.

why does that get them upvotes?

imgur has one of the worst communities on the entire internet

Yeah, I don't know, it's a weird cross section of "free speech Libertarians" (please notice the quotes) mixed with a snarky, decidedly trollish demeanor. Like, contrarian for contrarian's sake, with just a dash of overbearing 4chan-ish shock posting.

For example, the general consensus of users seem to hold the opinion that rape is considered one of the most vile things somebody can do. Yet, I see pretty frequent posts that are just like a picture of the falsely accused Duke University students titled "NEVER FORGET." And that sort of shit gets upvoted like crazy. Yet, the majority of people there will type their fingers down to the bone about how much they hate politics and political content. And it's not even like upvotes really count for anything, other than social media notoriety. It's a pretty gross display, actually.

So, I mostly stick to guitar gear and cat posts.

Cats are the best

The idea of spending the next 40 or so years living this way, feeling this way, is keeping me awake tonight.

i'm there with you, well in spirit at least. i've barely slept the last few days. the realization that this is what i have my life into, in the most forgiving of circumstances. it's very hard. all i want to do is sleep, but it's impossible.

honestly same

The idea of spending the next 40 or so years living this way, feeling this way, is keeping me awake tonight.

are there extended periods of time where you break out of it? i have extended afternoons where things are ok, or weekends, but things always snap back to the way they were. i know what i need to do to get out of it, or at least i have an idea, but i just can't do it.

wishing you all the best

My partner tried to OD this morning, she took 40 Co-Dydramol, it took me an hour to work out wtf had happened and how much she'd taken, but looking back I was too slow on the uptake and should have phoned the ambulance as soon I was suspicious. It is the 17th anniversary of her mum's death and the recent PIP thing hit her hard.

I tell you people, don't do this kind of shit - it can cause us non-suicidal fuckers to nearly have a heart attack.

And now I've now got to take a surly and angry teenager to the A+E rather than the planned swimming trip, sorry if it sounds cold, but ffs what a precious + selfish act :(

best thoughts for everyone, calz

Jesus, that's rough. Best to you and your family, man.

We had grim lols with the ambulance crew when working out everything she had had: So you remembered to take your morning beta blocker as well then.

if you're wondering you absolutely get to be mad at us when we pull shit like this. it's a cruel and hateful thing for us to do. we don't necessarily mean it that way. our heads are all fucked up to where we often legitimately think everyone will be happier once we're dead, that we're nothing but a burden. we often don't think we even have a choice in the matter, that suicide is something we _have_ to do.

none of that excuses anything. our illness causes us to hurt the people we love most, and we're responsible for those actions.

fuck calzino, that's horrible - best wishes to all of you, and hope your partner gets the support she needs from the health services

love and good wishes to all of you calz

thinking of you and your partner and the wee one, I hope you guys are all OK

I'm really sorry calzino. But I really take exception to suicide being referred to as selfish. If someone has a chronic or terminal illness and kills themselves then people are so much more understanding. We already suffer silently every day because we don't want to stress out our loved ones. This thread often feels like the only place I have where I can be honest because I know my husband doesn't read it. I've already promised him I won't kill my self because I know it would destroy him. But living like this kills me on the inside every day.

Karl, I have stretches of time, maybe a few hours, where I'm not actively thinking about what a complete waste of resources I am. But it never lasts.

Best wishes calzino and xx

my bookmark got way behind at some point so I haven't been keeping up but love, strength, and solidarity to everyone as always <3

omg so sorry calzino

hang in there