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I see your point, but surely it's not always gonna feel like a bed of roses. life just isn't like that, I mean your life feels like hard work sometimes, but "most" ppl don't just leave that behind.
― PinXorchiXoR (Pinkpanther), Monday, 25 October 2004 10:07 (nineteen years ago) link
Also, there is a point that no matter how much you "work", nothing gets better, nothing changes, no greater understanding is reached, and there's only so much banging your head against the wall you can do.
(but yeah, any happy relationship that requires no work at all is either between incestuous identical twins or is a lie)
― Markelby (Mark C), Monday, 25 October 2004 10:44 (nineteen years ago) link
When you reach a point where you need a change as badly as the two of you appear to feel like you do, then I find that it's best to just do it and let the chips fall where they may. Sure, it may be far from over, there probably is a lot of stuff that you'll go over and over, but in my experience, the initial quick break is best and less painful.
Good luck to you, whoever you are.
― luna (luna.c), Monday, 25 October 2004 15:13 (nineteen years ago) link
Much to my surprise, when she got home she gave me the silent treatment. Of course, true to form, I had to initiate conversation to make sure this breaking up business is what we should do. It was really pathetic because her first 2 responses to me were short and snippy "that's fine."
So then I asked, "So you do want to move out, right?"and started to bob her head like "yeah sure" but her lower lip began to tremble and this crack in the facade was immediately followed by crying.
So, I think this will be the talk that stops this kind of behavior in the future. We both realized that we just had a vicious cycle thing going but in both of our heads we were thinking, "what's his/her problem?"
I came up with some really "gay" solutions that just might work. The first part is something my dad used to do: a kiss when we leave and a kiss when we come back, so that when we walk in the door we don't misinterpret a bad mood as "I hate you for some reason." Secondly, she has to stop the silent treatment stuff and tell me what's wrong. We agreed to that so she knows we can't slide into old habits. And thirdly, the obvious: don't go to bed mad (or at least try).
We're basically just trying to avoid miscommunication, not entirely quashing our right to be angry with each other once in a while. When we started talking about what the hell the problem was, it became obvious that she thought I didn't like her. She probably thought this because I would come home to the silent treatment so often, I just stopped pussyfooting around her. So, she'd be in a bad mood one night and we'd go to bed annoyed with each other. Then, I'd come home the next night expecting her to still be a rag and kind of snubbing her.
But, after we discovered the problem, it took away all the feelings of "fuck this bullshit" that I had for the relationship. So now, obviously, I won't be using LavaLife and I'm right back to feeling like I'm in a sold, meaningful relationship again. We have so little drama, but I guess there's bound to be a few snags here and there.
Thanks for your helping me think this through during those crucial hours on Saturday. I'm really glad you all weren't saying "fuck that noise" and rather encouraging me to talk it over with her.
― Mr. Clean Break, Monday, 25 October 2004 19:48 (nineteen years ago) link
Mr. Clean Break, You should be careful not to put all of the work on her because - and I obviously don't know the situation so you can ignore me - it looks like just about all the solutions involve her doing something differently. Also, you really should have a big talk about the deeper problems you mentioned earlier. And - once again ignore me - maybe she felt unloved because you don't want to have kids with her? As though, if you really loved her, you would? I don't know. Things to (maybe) think about...
― Sarah McLusky (coco), Monday, 25 October 2004 19:53 (nineteen years ago) link
I only asked her to tell me when something's wrong instead of quietly simmering. That means, if I ask, "Is something wrong?" she can't respond with, "I'm fine" in a tone that means "fuck you." The rest is mutual "work". Neither of us has to do more than the other person.
― Mr. Clean Break, Monday, 25 October 2004 21:24 (nineteen years ago) link