Depression and what it's really like

Right on Phil

wow Austin that's amazing
good for you!!!

Austin and Phil, very good news for you both! And way to go A. for going to the committee.

Wish this thread was on 77 tbh :/

awesome to hear, Austin :)

things are going pretty good over here. Thoughts are positive this week and I'm far more responsible than usual. Found out a moment ago that my boss sent a shining recommendation to my contractor who is trying to get me into a job at the local university. Got off the anti-depressants after a month, feeling alright.

things looking up a bit but I have work ahead. have been exercising - for only the second time in my life, I've made it to the one month stage. It's helping a little. the drama with my folks and their money seems to have dissipated since they agreed to file for bankruptcy again (they look happier too and our relationship is better). I have probably the best support group of friends I've ever had in my life - I posted a confessional openly on FB just admitting I wasn't well and so many people msged me to check on me I legitimately got emotional (in a good way).

It's just hard. I fall apart so easily these days. At work, I've grown to be well-respected and I'm essentially the "captain" of my position in my dept. One small criticism, and I feel like I did when I started Day 1 thirteen years ago - the validity doesn't matter. I posted about the movie Detroit today. One of my former co-workers, who was a dear friend who was brutally laid off after putting in months of hard work, posted a screed criticizing almost everything I said. Her post was fairly nonsensical, mostly urban legend crap like "George Soros paid all the protesters" and conservative nonsense, and yet even knowing this, upon reading it, I felt gut punched. Particularly because the tone was one she'd never used with me before, smug and harsh. Reminded myself "this isn't about *you*" and defending my original positions because I feel they're important, no matter what my mood is, before excusing myself from the discussion.

I think this is the issue - I feel so inadequate in most things that any form of criticism can cause me to shut down, even if it's benign. I have this weird merit-based approach to life where I feel that if I'm not enough of a contributor to society, smart enough, good enough of a friend to people, etc, that I don't deserve any of what I have. If somebody brings up a topic I don't know much about I invariably feel like an idiot, like I'm supposed to know everything. When anybody, in an argument with me, uses any kind of smug or dismissive tone, I regress back to my teens where I start stuttering (I'm a good public speaker - so that's a non-starter for me).

I even have trouble admitting things like THIS to my current therapist because while I like her, I still don't feel 100% comfortable with her - I miss the rapport of my old therapist and am going to see about looking her up again and see if maybe she changed course on accepting my insurance again. She challenged me a lot and wasn't afraid to call me out, but also helped get to the root of my issues.

I usually combat this by trying to spread positivity to other people, and hoping it finds its way back. been doing that lately too. sometimes it's just hard.

my dreams are the stuff of torment too. oi.

still holding out hope that a large part of this is dealing w/ getting older and an early midlife crisis and that I'll settle back into feeling normal again soon. it's been three years since I felt "happy" though. not that I'm never happy - maybe "content" is more the word I'm looking for. I still experience joy. It just has the tendency to disappear abruptly some days.

on the positive side I've been drinking way less and that has helped a lot.

When I'm feeling a lot of generalized anxiety I get that same kind of intense self consciousness, like the whole world has me under a microscope and is negatively judging everything about me. I think that's why I prefer depression to anxiety.

I'm still trying to come off the smallest dose of Zoloft but having trouble bc while there's been no change in how the depression is affecting me, and the suicidal ideation has decreased pretty significantly, the anxiety has def spiked. There's been a few situations recently where internally I've totally overreacted to what I felt was something of a personal attack, even though that wasn't really the case.

i submitted some (not very good) poems to a magazine in my early 20s, and the rejection letter i got stung me enough that i basically haven't written poetry since. everybody things i'm this really laid back guy but my sense of self-worth is as solid as a soap bubble. but this is maybe part of my massive self-absorption.

2 months of citalopram has taken the edge off my anxiety, mostly, and i'm not really contemplating suicide any more. but the hope that levelling off my brain chemistry might make me able to deal with the lack of will, the rut i'm wallowing in, has proved optimistic. i'm still a becalmed iceberg with an inflated sense of its own gravity.

at the risk of self-illustrating my own drama. fuck it, i don't know. i have always been a very selfish person and maybe depression is where that shit leads you.

take care everybody.

Noodle have you tried getting some counselling? I had the first of 6 sessions I managed to get free through a local agency. Was worried that the last three months of meds would have eroded some of the connection I have to the thoughts and feelings I struggle with. But it went well. Therapist had some interesting observations. It was just good to get the internal dialogue of the last few years out there and have someone hear them.

I'm trying to process having an inner deviant and an outer public self with too little self confidence and too much desire for conformity. Self-centred according to those closest to me. I'd like to think it was self preservation but I guess it's selfish of me to want to control the narrative. Doc gave me some b blockers to deal with the finger trembling side effects of the anti deps. Then again maybe they were actually low level dt's. I don't care I think I've got a good deal with the counselling and I'm going to throw myself fully into it.

Hugs all.

gotta see my GP this week so i'll discuss it with him, but i'm pretty sure anything i'll get thru the NHS will be CBT which i'm not absolutely against but my experience is whoever "delivers" it doesn't add much to the process that i can't do myself

Hey NV, just a heads up: I was originally on citalopram 4 years ago and one time I forgot to renew my rx: I was in Vegas and hadn't taken it in 2 or 3 days and I had a massive panic attack. Same thing happened to a friend recently. So be super careful about not missing dosages with that one.

I read an article last night on reverse SAD and am wondering if I might actually have it; summer makes me feel like shit every time.

thanks for the heads up - the only time i've missed a dose coincided with a hangover and massive panic attacks are par for the course with them :/

just1n3 I've had that issue too - winter is when I level out, summer = fever pitch of emotions.

much love to you, Noodle, and wtev....

best wishes to NV and wtev

finding my depression is triggered more now through bad choices ie. drugs

feel like i know my triggers but my programming is flawed

also i've been out of work for some time and anything that sets me off makes me pretty hopeless for the future

now that i have a job i feel really hesitant to post anything about my mental illness to this thread. i probably wouldn't lose my job because of it, but with the internet being what it is these days one never really knows. :( i salute everyone here who isn't a chickenshit coward like me.

That's not chickenshit - that's just doing what you feel is best to protect yourself. No ones gonna judge you for that.

Ross, are you on any prescribed medications? Are you taking them as prescribed? How are you able to find a mental balance between the street drugs blending with the prescribed ones?

I know when I started on anti-depressants and benzos, I could absolutely not handle even a contact high from marijuana. It literally incapacitated me mentally, and physically, I was a heart racing, trembling mess. Whereas, previous to the prescribed meds, like I said earlier, I was a 24/7 smoker and it was not a big deal at all.
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I was hoping this topic would not be revived again anytime soon. My mother received some negative news in regards to her health and I've spent the last week trying to reconcile with it and how absolutely garbage it made me feel to hear her apologize for being a burden when she was breaking the news to me. Not that there's a good time for someone close to get very seriously ill, but this feels especially poorly timed. I've essentially retreated to my bedroom and my music gear, as I am having a fairly hard time with all of it. When I'm not fiddling with my guitar, I've been popping Benadryls like crazy, as I would rather just sleep. Cancelled my appointment this past week with my therapist because I am not really feeling like I'm in any shape to leave the house. I've put on some weight, as well, because of my inactivity.

I was really working myself up yesterday because I started to realize how much of my own music these days is sounding like something a less-talented Vini Reilly might play. And then it occurred to me that he has been left unable to play music these past few years, due to his own personal health deteriorating, and how unbelievably frustrating and miserable that must be for him. I started to consider how quickly I would find a way to kill myself if I could not play music.

Just kind of struggling right now.

re: SAD - I definitely have a lot more energy in the summer, which at worst ends up manifesting as anger and anxiety, but if I "channel" it well (big if ...) I am more productive, and things feel more exciting ... or I have times like now where I sit and think, "why am I saving money? Everything is bleak and there's probably no future. Maybe I shouldn't worry about savings and just spend money whenever I want."

completely relate to that sarahell, OTM

I don't really follow this thread regularly - it breaks my heart to think of you guys suffering like this. But I did open it because I've been under a lot of stress lately with some stuff at work and dealing with a break-in and not really finding anywhere to move to quickly etc and I had to get signed off for a few weeks. I've been prescribed citalopram for the first time, I've been on fluoxetine before but I'm expecting this to be different, and if nothing else I'm so glad to have caught the "don't come off it quickly" advice in the recent posts because that's the kind of silly thing I would do.

A lot of the stuff in this thread is hitting hard with its familiarity too, it's comforting to know it's not just me. Much love to you guys.

boxedjoy <3

I mentioned SAD to my psych and he checked my file and showed that all of my admissions had been in spring, I think. Not sure what that means.

Not been having a good time, but keeping things in check so far. New psychiatrist (I think my old one got promoted out of clinical work?) so see how that goes. I had a terrible week but it seems to have lifted.

April is the cruellest month

First day on Wellbutrin today. It and Paxil don't interact, so am gonna slowly taper off Paxil while tapering on wb. (Note: new psychtrist's idea)

So far so good

I totally stopped the Zoloft last week. Idk if it's related but the last few days I've been really lightheaded.

it's related

iirc

ugh zoloft withdrawal completely destroyed me both times i've gone through it (once via losing health insurance, once via changing meds)

i was on a really high dose, though

paxil has been helping me but it feels as though part of my brain is constantly having to beat back bad thoughts and emotions. just constantly battling under the surface. which is better than being a depressed mess but it's kind of exhausting

I've been on Paxil since 1995. Started losing ground kinda badly about two and a half years ago. Just glad to have found a psychiatrist who takes my insurance finally.

People with depression can be very strong. We've had to adapt to adversity and roll with the punches when shit is at its worst. I want to rep for you all and hope that you see your strength even in the lowest of lows

Brimstead, how much were you on? I was on 200 and went down by 50 every 7 days, then stayed at the last 50 for a few weeks. This weird lightheadedness fucking sucks. I spent most of last weekend in bed and I've got a feeling this weekend is gonna be the same.

Same, jus1n3, 200 mg. I think I tapered the same as you (i was in such a fog the whole time i can't remember precisely).
It's funny, though, because i swear i experienced "heavyheadedness", like my head felt so heavy. just turning to check my blind spot while driving gave me a headache and nausea. couldn't walk around or do stuff for more than 20 minutes without having to lie down. definitely spent most of the time in bed.

honesltly felt like one of those rage cartoons for a month or so

so I took my first citalopram this morning after putting it off for a week for various reasons, the main one being remembering how tough the first two weeks of fluoxetine were. Turns out fluoxetine was a walk in the park compared to this. About two hours after taking it the headache started and I went to lie down. I felt like I was going to be sick and I couldn't stop laughing or crying. It just got worse and worse, like every emotion I could imagine being turned up into the red. I was ripping holes in the clothes I was wearing and chewing through the neck of my t-shirt and I couldn't stop screaming and sobbing. I wanted to grab a pair of scissors to hack off my hair and then I started getting all kinds of horrible mental visions of damage I could to myself with them, and even though I knew this was all nonsense I couldn't get it out my head. My partner was thankfully off today and realised that something was up (especially when I couldn't bear to be touched, even just holding hands was freaking me out) and phoned the doctor. He said that because I was experiencing so much energy that the best thing I could do was go for a walk so we went to the park for an hour. I must have looked some sight, in my shorts in the rain struggling to keep it together, but I calmed down, came home and slept a few hours. It was easily the most terrifying experience of my life, worse than being robbed at knifepoint or coming home to find I'd been burgled. My doctor has recommended I don't take anything for two days and then on Monday take a half-tablet but I genuinely don't see myself ever going near this stuff again.

my doctor put me on 10mg for the first two weeks and then it went up to 20mg. i didn't experience anything like that but i think - trying to sequence the memories in my head - i was pretty low-level angry for weeks, found it very hard to be around anybody except for certain kinds of people. obviously they warn you about these potential side effects, if i'd gone thru what you're describing i think i'd have asked to try something different

Jesus fucking Christ that sounds absolutely horrifying :( :( :(

I'm lucky - none of the ADs I've tried have had any serious side effects (the worst was suicidal ideation but I'm not sure that was caused by the Zoloft).

IANAD but... considering your reaction was that severe and debilitating, I don't get why your dr would still recommend it, even at a lower dose. I'd be too scared to take again.

I vaguely recall reading something a while ago about genetic testing that can help figure out the right ADs for a person - anyone know how legit that is? It doesn't seem right, considering scientists don't even really know exactly how ADs work.

if any doctor insists on prescribing this for me again I'll be finding a new doctor.

The whole thing feels like a disaster. I only went to the doctor to get signed off work because a lot of factors were stressing me out and I didn't want to make myself ill like I was last time I fell into my own head. But this has been so scary and upsetting, even though I know it's just brain chemistry, it's the thought I'll always have this lurking somewhere around me ready to ruin whatever comfort is in my life.

I vaguely recall reading something a while ago about genetic testing that can help figure out the right ADs for a person - anyone know how legit that is? It doesn't seem right, considering scientists don't even really know exactly how ADs work.

I've done this twice now and I'm not sure I even have anything close to definitive to tell you about it. From my understanding of it (which, itself, may be way off the mark), the doctor needs to have a medication in mind to be tested for. So, it's a pretty easy cheek swab. But then, the doctor has to say, "Okay, check that sample for its compatibility with ________." So, even that could be a totally flawed design. Because, yeah, the test may come back that you're more easily compatible with whatever the inquired medication was, but who knows, there could be another out there that you're even more compatible with.

(in my understanding of how it works)

You literally have to test for every single medication out there in order to get the full picture.

I don't like when people romanticize depression. I get depression memes from a friend sometime, and sure they are great but they can perpetuate that dire feeling. Sometimes I wonder if my lack of ability to imagine happiness is why I stay in this rut, like "happy" has become a dirty word. Just a thought.

http://i.imgur.com/1x1XBfa.jpg

A+ Austin

I browse imgur a lot and I've seen depression-themed memes crop up a lot more frequently over the last year. Even though I can relate to some of them (very few, probably less than a third, honestly) I can't help but feel like it's mostly just shenanigans by someone who wanted to get cheap upvotes.

Which is equally frustrating and defeating.

why does that get them upvotes?

imgur has one of the worst communities on the entire internet

Yeah, I don't know, it's a weird cross section of "free speech Libertarians" (please notice the quotes) mixed with a snarky, decidedly trollish demeanor. Like, contrarian for contrarian's sake, with just a dash of overbearing 4chan-ish shock posting.

For example, the general consensus of users seem to hold the opinion that rape is considered one of the most vile things somebody can do. Yet, I see pretty frequent posts that are just like a picture of the falsely accused Duke University students titled "NEVER FORGET." And that sort of shit gets upvoted like crazy. Yet, the majority of people there will type their fingers down to the bone about how much they hate politics and political content. And it's not even like upvotes really count for anything, other than social media notoriety. It's a pretty gross display, actually.

So, I mostly stick to guitar gear and cat posts.

Cats are the best

The idea of spending the next 40 or so years living this way, feeling this way, is keeping me awake tonight.