Depression and what it's really like

I think there's a real difficulty if you're a substance user - including heavy alcohol use - and experiencing mental health problems. It might be impossible to determine what's causal and what's palliative, but as long as you're getting out of it regularly I just think you can't be sure that you're not, at least, exacerbating the problem. Just my personal feeling

^ I have friends who drink daily and would not claim to have any mental health issues, despite what I may feel personally. Do you think one has to be diagnosed before saying the substance abuse is making things worse?

I'm not even sure that a diagnosis is enough - to me, with mental health or substance use issues you have to personally believe you've got a problem before you can even try to work on it. Not that I'm saying that's enough in itself: god knows I know it isn't. But I feel like unless you feel your behaviour is self-harming, it's easy enough to ignore other people telling you, even professionals

And my experience is it's pretty easy to kid yourself that self-defeating behaviour is a necessary part of who you are, maybe even a beneficial thing

yeah you're OTM NV

And my experience is it's pretty easy to kid yourself that self-defeating behaviour is a necessary part of who you are, maybe even a beneficial thing

This is true. I had myself convinced that I needed to be a little high to deal with and have successful regular social interactions. Truth is, while I was high, I had a lot more awkward and uncomfortable situations because of how inside my own head I was.

In that respect, I think marijuana is/was pretty detrimental to my mindset, because it made me really self-conscious to the point where I wouldn't even say I was not empathetic towards other people — I was just unaware, because I was so preoccupied. And, being in that altered state, I had a really hard time trying to change my train of thought.

So, like I said, I could have just continued being a loner stoner a while longer, but ultimately I think my psychosis would have caught up with me.

I like what Austin is saying. Thanks for typing it out.

I had my annual shit retail work review, and my boss was out of line and wrong, but I handled it and didn't go off the deep end. Just some drunk and maybe later tonight stoned music listening and playing evenings.

The things he was wrong about was the part where he brought up my past issues and said half my co-workers were struggling with similar issues and he struggled with who had to tell me how crap I am, and didn't actually tie any recent documentable or documented behaviors into his shit assessment of my humanity.

according to boss, the customers love me, nobody can question my effort, my numbers are good, he likes me, I'm a neat guy, great conversations, best ever for sales, but unfortunately, irretrievably broken issues with (him) his co-managers.

here's your 25 cents an hour. none of us will have a job in two years anyway.

sorry about blurting out some personal bad feelings and negativity earlier. I'm going to stop and be quiet for a bit.

Naw you're good it's what the thread's for. I feel stupid every time I post itt and I barely scratch the surface. Worry if I go really deep I won't be able to stop

yeah guys this is a no-judgement zone, unless we're judging stupid fuckers off-board who make the world worse

^^^What he said

About bosses, I have been watching my boss, who I admire enormously and work really well with and am friends with, be deliberately skewered in slow motion by his boss for two months now (classic I will torture you till you quit but I will not fire you type stuff), my boss is basically not sleeping or eating at this point and about 99% of the way to a nervous breakdown, I've done what I can by covertly talking to people who have the same level of juice as his boss but it seems like it's just inexorable, and I cannot fucking tell you how stressed depressed and anxious I am about this situation. It's breaking my heart and also I don't think I can do my job without him and I'm so fuckin scared of trying to find a different place to work bc it's a minor miracle I was able to shove my broken personality and even more broken body into a full time office gig this long and after 12 years I've trained ppl to roll with my weirdness and have also gotten pay-wise to where I can (just barely) support my wife who hasn't been able to work in four and a half years. Just at my wit's end tbrr

i'm so sorry to hear that. i hear you. i too am consistently fascinated that i've been able to work given my unique set of conditions. i wish the best for your boss, who sounds like a wonderful person, and i hope it gets better.

I almost feel *bad* posting something good in this thread, but ever since I posted way, way upthread about being re-diagnosed from depression to mixed bipolar with depression, I've been working with a psychiatrist on medications very carefully. Right now she's got me on 1500mg of divalproex (Depakote) and 20mg of fluoxetine (Prozac) per day, and I have to say, I feel more like ME than I have in at least a decade, maybe longer. I don't feel like a pathetic stranger inhabiting my own body. My wife has said I'm no longer as angry and irritable, and seem to be more like myself. But I don't feel zombified or anything. I really, really hope this works out long-term.

That's great though! It can actually happen!

That's awesome, Phil! I love hearing about people who are in similar situations and are having success. It's inspirational and gives me hope for myself. Thank you for bringing some lightness to the table.

I was on Prozac some years ago and I remember it feeling like. . . I don't know, just more stable I guess? Of course, I ended up in hospital again and, when that happens, it doesn't matter what you tell the doctors, they throw everything out and reassess/change your whole treatment plan. Guess they figure whatever got me into hospital wasn't working, so there was no reason to keep going that direction.

As far as my work status, I did receive a pretty decent yearly review (overall score of 3.15 out of a possible 4), but less than a month later I got two written warnings within the span of about ten days. It was twofold discrepancies: 1) I was written up for things others in upper staff/management do/did without even receiving warnings and 2) The write-ups fell a matter of days after my doctor confirmed her order for a specific scheduling accommodation. So, it became pretty apparent that I was being targeted because of the accommodation. The day I got the second write-up, I didn't react in the best way. I refused to sign the acknowledgment and then told my manager that I was leaving for the day. Panic attack ensued; took me about three or four hours to drive home (normally a twenty-minute drive) because I kept having to pull over and regroup. Called my doctor in a complete panic and she took me off work for the next little while. I did go to the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission and file a complaint of discrimination. They must have seen something of merit in my complaint, because they accepted it and I'm awaiting a meeting date for an attempt at mediation with the company right now. Lots of other specifics I'm leaving out, but the company has definitely changed their tune in regards to how they are communicating with me since the EEOC has gotten involved.

Personally, I love hearing news like yours, Phil - it gives me hope

Right on Phil

wow Austin that's amazing
good for you!!!

Austin and Phil, very good news for you both! And way to go A. for going to the committee.

Wish this thread was on 77 tbh :/

awesome to hear, Austin :)

things are going pretty good over here. Thoughts are positive this week and I'm far more responsible than usual. Found out a moment ago that my boss sent a shining recommendation to my contractor who is trying to get me into a job at the local university. Got off the anti-depressants after a month, feeling alright.

things looking up a bit but I have work ahead. have been exercising - for only the second time in my life, I've made it to the one month stage. It's helping a little. the drama with my folks and their money seems to have dissipated since they agreed to file for bankruptcy again (they look happier too and our relationship is better). I have probably the best support group of friends I've ever had in my life - I posted a confessional openly on FB just admitting I wasn't well and so many people msged me to check on me I legitimately got emotional (in a good way).

It's just hard. I fall apart so easily these days. At work, I've grown to be well-respected and I'm essentially the "captain" of my position in my dept. One small criticism, and I feel like I did when I started Day 1 thirteen years ago - the validity doesn't matter. I posted about the movie Detroit today. One of my former co-workers, who was a dear friend who was brutally laid off after putting in months of hard work, posted a screed criticizing almost everything I said. Her post was fairly nonsensical, mostly urban legend crap like "George Soros paid all the protesters" and conservative nonsense, and yet even knowing this, upon reading it, I felt gut punched. Particularly because the tone was one she'd never used with me before, smug and harsh. Reminded myself "this isn't about *you*" and defending my original positions because I feel they're important, no matter what my mood is, before excusing myself from the discussion.

I think this is the issue - I feel so inadequate in most things that any form of criticism can cause me to shut down, even if it's benign. I have this weird merit-based approach to life where I feel that if I'm not enough of a contributor to society, smart enough, good enough of a friend to people, etc, that I don't deserve any of what I have. If somebody brings up a topic I don't know much about I invariably feel like an idiot, like I'm supposed to know everything. When anybody, in an argument with me, uses any kind of smug or dismissive tone, I regress back to my teens where I start stuttering (I'm a good public speaker - so that's a non-starter for me).

I even have trouble admitting things like THIS to my current therapist because while I like her, I still don't feel 100% comfortable with her - I miss the rapport of my old therapist and am going to see about looking her up again and see if maybe she changed course on accepting my insurance again. She challenged me a lot and wasn't afraid to call me out, but also helped get to the root of my issues.

I usually combat this by trying to spread positivity to other people, and hoping it finds its way back. been doing that lately too. sometimes it's just hard.

my dreams are the stuff of torment too. oi.

still holding out hope that a large part of this is dealing w/ getting older and an early midlife crisis and that I'll settle back into feeling normal again soon. it's been three years since I felt "happy" though. not that I'm never happy - maybe "content" is more the word I'm looking for. I still experience joy. It just has the tendency to disappear abruptly some days.

on the positive side I've been drinking way less and that has helped a lot.

When I'm feeling a lot of generalized anxiety I get that same kind of intense self consciousness, like the whole world has me under a microscope and is negatively judging everything about me. I think that's why I prefer depression to anxiety.

I'm still trying to come off the smallest dose of Zoloft but having trouble bc while there's been no change in how the depression is affecting me, and the suicidal ideation has decreased pretty significantly, the anxiety has def spiked. There's been a few situations recently where internally I've totally overreacted to what I felt was something of a personal attack, even though that wasn't really the case.

i submitted some (not very good) poems to a magazine in my early 20s, and the rejection letter i got stung me enough that i basically haven't written poetry since. everybody things i'm this really laid back guy but my sense of self-worth is as solid as a soap bubble. but this is maybe part of my massive self-absorption.

2 months of citalopram has taken the edge off my anxiety, mostly, and i'm not really contemplating suicide any more. but the hope that levelling off my brain chemistry might make me able to deal with the lack of will, the rut i'm wallowing in, has proved optimistic. i'm still a becalmed iceberg with an inflated sense of its own gravity.

at the risk of self-illustrating my own drama. fuck it, i don't know. i have always been a very selfish person and maybe depression is where that shit leads you.

take care everybody.

Noodle have you tried getting some counselling? I had the first of 6 sessions I managed to get free through a local agency. Was worried that the last three months of meds would have eroded some of the connection I have to the thoughts and feelings I struggle with. But it went well. Therapist had some interesting observations. It was just good to get the internal dialogue of the last few years out there and have someone hear them.

I'm trying to process having an inner deviant and an outer public self with too little self confidence and too much desire for conformity. Self-centred according to those closest to me. I'd like to think it was self preservation but I guess it's selfish of me to want to control the narrative. Doc gave me some b blockers to deal with the finger trembling side effects of the anti deps. Then again maybe they were actually low level dt's. I don't care I think I've got a good deal with the counselling and I'm going to throw myself fully into it.

Hugs all.

gotta see my GP this week so i'll discuss it with him, but i'm pretty sure anything i'll get thru the NHS will be CBT which i'm not absolutely against but my experience is whoever "delivers" it doesn't add much to the process that i can't do myself

Hey NV, just a heads up: I was originally on citalopram 4 years ago and one time I forgot to renew my rx: I was in Vegas and hadn't taken it in 2 or 3 days and I had a massive panic attack. Same thing happened to a friend recently. So be super careful about not missing dosages with that one.

I read an article last night on reverse SAD and am wondering if I might actually have it; summer makes me feel like shit every time.

thanks for the heads up - the only time i've missed a dose coincided with a hangover and massive panic attacks are par for the course with them :/

just1n3 I've had that issue too - winter is when I level out, summer = fever pitch of emotions.

much love to you, Noodle, and wtev....

best wishes to NV and wtev

finding my depression is triggered more now through bad choices ie. drugs

feel like i know my triggers but my programming is flawed

also i've been out of work for some time and anything that sets me off makes me pretty hopeless for the future

now that i have a job i feel really hesitant to post anything about my mental illness to this thread. i probably wouldn't lose my job because of it, but with the internet being what it is these days one never really knows. :( i salute everyone here who isn't a chickenshit coward like me.

That's not chickenshit - that's just doing what you feel is best to protect yourself. No ones gonna judge you for that.

Ross, are you on any prescribed medications? Are you taking them as prescribed? How are you able to find a mental balance between the street drugs blending with the prescribed ones?

I know when I started on anti-depressants and benzos, I could absolutely not handle even a contact high from marijuana. It literally incapacitated me mentally, and physically, I was a heart racing, trembling mess. Whereas, previous to the prescribed meds, like I said earlier, I was a 24/7 smoker and it was not a big deal at all.
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I was hoping this topic would not be revived again anytime soon. My mother received some negative news in regards to her health and I've spent the last week trying to reconcile with it and how absolutely garbage it made me feel to hear her apologize for being a burden when she was breaking the news to me. Not that there's a good time for someone close to get very seriously ill, but this feels especially poorly timed. I've essentially retreated to my bedroom and my music gear, as I am having a fairly hard time with all of it. When I'm not fiddling with my guitar, I've been popping Benadryls like crazy, as I would rather just sleep. Cancelled my appointment this past week with my therapist because I am not really feeling like I'm in any shape to leave the house. I've put on some weight, as well, because of my inactivity.

I was really working myself up yesterday because I started to realize how much of my own music these days is sounding like something a less-talented Vini Reilly might play. And then it occurred to me that he has been left unable to play music these past few years, due to his own personal health deteriorating, and how unbelievably frustrating and miserable that must be for him. I started to consider how quickly I would find a way to kill myself if I could not play music.

Just kind of struggling right now.

re: SAD - I definitely have a lot more energy in the summer, which at worst ends up manifesting as anger and anxiety, but if I "channel" it well (big if ...) I am more productive, and things feel more exciting ... or I have times like now where I sit and think, "why am I saving money? Everything is bleak and there's probably no future. Maybe I shouldn't worry about savings and just spend money whenever I want."

completely relate to that sarahell, OTM

I don't really follow this thread regularly - it breaks my heart to think of you guys suffering like this. But I did open it because I've been under a lot of stress lately with some stuff at work and dealing with a break-in and not really finding anywhere to move to quickly etc and I had to get signed off for a few weeks. I've been prescribed citalopram for the first time, I've been on fluoxetine before but I'm expecting this to be different, and if nothing else I'm so glad to have caught the "don't come off it quickly" advice in the recent posts because that's the kind of silly thing I would do.

A lot of the stuff in this thread is hitting hard with its familiarity too, it's comforting to know it's not just me. Much love to you guys.

boxedjoy <3

I mentioned SAD to my psych and he checked my file and showed that all of my admissions had been in spring, I think. Not sure what that means.

Not been having a good time, but keeping things in check so far. New psychiatrist (I think my old one got promoted out of clinical work?) so see how that goes. I had a terrible week but it seems to have lifted.

April is the cruellest month

First day on Wellbutrin today. It and Paxil don't interact, so am gonna slowly taper off Paxil while tapering on wb. (Note: new psychtrist's idea)

So far so good

I totally stopped the Zoloft last week. Idk if it's related but the last few days I've been really lightheaded.

it's related

iirc

ugh zoloft withdrawal completely destroyed me both times i've gone through it (once via losing health insurance, once via changing meds)

i was on a really high dose, though

paxil has been helping me but it feels as though part of my brain is constantly having to beat back bad thoughts and emotions. just constantly battling under the surface. which is better than being a depressed mess but it's kind of exhausting

I've been on Paxil since 1995. Started losing ground kinda badly about two and a half years ago. Just glad to have found a psychiatrist who takes my insurance finally.

People with depression can be very strong. We've had to adapt to adversity and roll with the punches when shit is at its worst. I want to rep for you all and hope that you see your strength even in the lowest of lows