Depression and what it's really like

Apologies, I should find a better way to vent this. Not gonna give up /end

Any advice on how to keep plugging away (especially at work) when your inner voice is screaming at you to GTFO? I know that the weekend is coming, but the challenge there is to keep myself from sleeping instead of doing something.

possible short term strategy: immerse yourself in the thoughts/voice of someone you like and admire who has the attributes you want/need. a sort of faking it/imagine how easier it would be to be this cool person type thing. what has helped me most when I have felt similarly overwhelmed are things that put the situation in perspective, make me more relaxed, restore my sense of humour etc. and taking a break from my own tired thought processes and trying to get lost in someone else's can help

in my experience most employers value attendance more than performance, i'd turn up and do as much as I could manage and not beat myself up about being below par

NV OTM

I find that just meeting the minimum requirements is usually enough in those cases, or just prioritizing what needs to be done

Cross posting w/ the annoying co worker thread but my work neighbor humming "do do do" and sitting around doing nothing all day really depressed me today

if i had a co-worker who hummed police songs all day i'd be depressed too. but i guess not as depressed as if they actually sang police songs. life is hard enough without having to listen to sting's lyrics out of somebody else's mouth.

i am not bipolar and don't consider myself an fdb fan, but this (from here) is otm

This is one thing I have always had a hard time expressing, this aspect of the medications: their terrible adequacy. They literally save your life and somehow are still disappointing.

3.5 yrs of trying to claw my way back to that magical six week period of actually feeling alive, 3 different antidepressants and 4 different sleep meds later, I'm going off everything except weed. The sleep meds are completely done as of a week ago (surprise! I'm not sleeping any better but I'm not sleeping any worse). Two more weeks and I'll be finished with the antidepressants too.

I was starting to wonder if the meds were contributing to the suicidal ideation so I guess we'll see.

P.s. Ross, never apologize for anything you post ITT.

good luck just1n3!

good luck Just1n3!

Music has saved my life again and again. Playing it and listening to it, not sure what I'd do without it. If you think this is cheesy, fuck off

(haven't had the mettle to confront this thread, catching up now, just saying hi and really hope you're all okay (and tbh immensely thrilled to see particular ilxors posting in unrelated threads))

xp Music continued to give my life meaning when everything else felt like an enormous pile of shit.

Cheers snoball :)

hi Autumn Almanac, welcome

Really happy to say that job opportunities and interviews are coming up now, and I'm keeping my fingers crossed.

is pretty substantial substance abuse basically depression? i used to be fairly strong weed smoker and gradually drifted into alcoholism. this weekend went to a cabin with friends and accidentally got extremely uncomfortably high + learned that weed unlocks the worst part of my brain... even the residual effect was bad, all day today (day after) i was just panicking about if i am doing 'okay' or not... just way too hyper aware and analyzing everything, thought i'd excised that part of me (thanks to booze). the worst part is i was really good at playing normal and hiding it and saying 'yeah i'm good! i had a good weekend!' to coworkers. had originally planned on doing acid at the cabin, thank god i didn't do that, i dunno what shitty place i'd be in if i'd done so. got a doctor appointment in a week, finally... been too long and ready to be honest about my lifestyle. naltrexone or something seems in the cards

This is a tough one to crack, global. It's like what came first the chicken or the egg? Personally my depression/bipolar was borne out of habitual weed smoking. It's hard to say, but there is such a thing as chemically induced depression - I find these days my substance abuse accelerates sadness/rumination, but that may have been in me all along.

someone talking to me about this from a similar place helps. :)

i also think i was happier when i didn't constantly smoke weed, but not sure if constant drinking is much better

:)

totally know the feeling

i listened to fahey 'the great santa bernardino birthday party' and broke into tears multiple times throughout, i love anyone who is super acquainted with this tbh. also was terrified and scared by the whole thing

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PRu3NyeVrt4

my man :)

I keep an eye on it but I think I'd still say my weed habit exists on top of my other problems rather than underpinning them - I don't/haven't always smoked. but it is the perfect anaesthetising compulsive behaviour and it fits so well with everything else & especially lack of sleep.

global tetrahedron I think I went through something similar, I used to smoke weed but gave it up cold turkey years back as I'm quite an anxious and at times paranoid person anyway; once I noticed these things getting worse on a daily basis I just had to quit. Which is a surprising show of self-control on my part.

I like to think I don't have a drinking problem because I don't do it every day but I rarely go a weekend without booze. My social life since I was 17 or so has always revolved around heavy drinking but these days if no-one's available to hang out I'm quite content with getting smashed on my own while listening to music, which is frowned upon but the problem is I really enjoy doing that and in some ways prefer it to socializing

Yeah that's one of my favorites too (getting smashed listening to music)

I guess most of the time people start to show the signs of their mental illness in their early or mid 20s, but there was no way for me to really know what was going on at that time, as I was a pretty consistent drinker from 23 onward. It didn't get really bad until about 26 or 27, when I started drinking every day. From about a year before I got divorced until about two years after, I was a very heavy and dependent alcoholic. I was either borderline or just straight up blackout drunk five to six times per week. I was living alone in a cheap apartment that was right down the street from where I worked, so I was able to keep functioning somehow. I didn't have a car, so I was able to stay out of trouble in that respect. Eventually, I think I just got to a point where I wasn't experiencing any of the redeeming aspects about it anymore. And, of course that just destroys your immune system, so I was constantly sick. When I did quit, it was cold turkey. Of course, being the self-saboteur that I am, I started smoking marijuana very heavily. Like, getting into bed and loading a bowl and leaving it on the bedside table so I could quite literally wake and bake. In retrospect, this did two things: it facilitated my ability to get through alcohol withdrawals pretty much without any sort of physical stress whatsoever and it almost certainly exacerbated my psychosis (which, itself, had gone unnoticed, due to the amount of alcohol running through my blood all those years). At first, I just chalked all the paranoia and auditory (and sometimes visual) hallucinations up to the marijuana and just tried to put on a record, pick up my guitar or laugh it off. When the same sort of stuff started happening when I knew for certain I wasn't high, that's when it started to get bad and I really started to freak out. Now, at this point, I probably could have just continued living my life as a reclusive stoner and managed to cope with things by myself. But, it reached a point where I was feeling like I needed to have a bit of a high to even go out and act normal and interact with society. This was a problem, as I worked in a primary school at the time and there would have been serious repercussions if it was discovered I was coming to work high every day (and the paranoia about possibly being "caught" was something I had a very hard time dealing with). So it went that I finally decided to go see a psychiatrist and got on medications. I've been hard sober for coming up on two years now (and I had about six or seven months previous to a "slip up"). I don't miss drinking at all. Like I said, I think its effects just stop being appealing to me, especially after I smoked marijuana on a regular basis. I always liked the actual physical feeling of getting and being drunk, but the hangovers had started to get worse and worse, to the point where it wasn't really worth it anymore. Smoking marijuana was like this really big shift in thought for me, in that regard. I always drank knowing that I was going to be feeling it the next day. But, with marijuana, it was just like, smoke smoke smoke and never feel physically bad. I sometimes miss having a bit of a high when listening to or playing music, because it really facilitated in depth listening and different approaches to playing guitar that just don't occur to me otherwise. But, I don't know. It definitely had just as many cons as it did pros. I can't rightly say at this point if it was a good or a bad thing for me. And I definitely can't say whether I would be able to handle it again in the future.

I smoke, drink and do coke from time to time - vicious whirlwind

I think there's a real difficulty if you're a substance user - including heavy alcohol use - and experiencing mental health problems. It might be impossible to determine what's causal and what's palliative, but as long as you're getting out of it regularly I just think you can't be sure that you're not, at least, exacerbating the problem. Just my personal feeling

^ I have friends who drink daily and would not claim to have any mental health issues, despite what I may feel personally. Do you think one has to be diagnosed before saying the substance abuse is making things worse?

I'm not even sure that a diagnosis is enough - to me, with mental health or substance use issues you have to personally believe you've got a problem before you can even try to work on it. Not that I'm saying that's enough in itself: god knows I know it isn't. But I feel like unless you feel your behaviour is self-harming, it's easy enough to ignore other people telling you, even professionals

And my experience is it's pretty easy to kid yourself that self-defeating behaviour is a necessary part of who you are, maybe even a beneficial thing

yeah you're OTM NV

And my experience is it's pretty easy to kid yourself that self-defeating behaviour is a necessary part of who you are, maybe even a beneficial thing

This is true. I had myself convinced that I needed to be a little high to deal with and have successful regular social interactions. Truth is, while I was high, I had a lot more awkward and uncomfortable situations because of how inside my own head I was.

In that respect, I think marijuana is/was pretty detrimental to my mindset, because it made me really self-conscious to the point where I wouldn't even say I was not empathetic towards other people — I was just unaware, because I was so preoccupied. And, being in that altered state, I had a really hard time trying to change my train of thought.

So, like I said, I could have just continued being a loner stoner a while longer, but ultimately I think my psychosis would have caught up with me.

I like what Austin is saying. Thanks for typing it out.

I had my annual shit retail work review, and my boss was out of line and wrong, but I handled it and didn't go off the deep end. Just some drunk and maybe later tonight stoned music listening and playing evenings.

The things he was wrong about was the part where he brought up my past issues and said half my co-workers were struggling with similar issues and he struggled with who had to tell me how crap I am, and didn't actually tie any recent documentable or documented behaviors into his shit assessment of my humanity.

according to boss, the customers love me, nobody can question my effort, my numbers are good, he likes me, I'm a neat guy, great conversations, best ever for sales, but unfortunately, irretrievably broken issues with (him) his co-managers.

here's your 25 cents an hour. none of us will have a job in two years anyway.

sorry about blurting out some personal bad feelings and negativity earlier. I'm going to stop and be quiet for a bit.

Naw you're good it's what the thread's for. I feel stupid every time I post itt and I barely scratch the surface. Worry if I go really deep I won't be able to stop

yeah guys this is a no-judgement zone, unless we're judging stupid fuckers off-board who make the world worse

^^^What he said

About bosses, I have been watching my boss, who I admire enormously and work really well with and am friends with, be deliberately skewered in slow motion by his boss for two months now (classic I will torture you till you quit but I will not fire you type stuff), my boss is basically not sleeping or eating at this point and about 99% of the way to a nervous breakdown, I've done what I can by covertly talking to people who have the same level of juice as his boss but it seems like it's just inexorable, and I cannot fucking tell you how stressed depressed and anxious I am about this situation. It's breaking my heart and also I don't think I can do my job without him and I'm so fuckin scared of trying to find a different place to work bc it's a minor miracle I was able to shove my broken personality and even more broken body into a full time office gig this long and after 12 years I've trained ppl to roll with my weirdness and have also gotten pay-wise to where I can (just barely) support my wife who hasn't been able to work in four and a half years. Just at my wit's end tbrr

i'm so sorry to hear that. i hear you. i too am consistently fascinated that i've been able to work given my unique set of conditions. i wish the best for your boss, who sounds like a wonderful person, and i hope it gets better.

I almost feel *bad* posting something good in this thread, but ever since I posted way, way upthread about being re-diagnosed from depression to mixed bipolar with depression, I've been working with a psychiatrist on medications very carefully. Right now she's got me on 1500mg of divalproex (Depakote) and 20mg of fluoxetine (Prozac) per day, and I have to say, I feel more like ME than I have in at least a decade, maybe longer. I don't feel like a pathetic stranger inhabiting my own body. My wife has said I'm no longer as angry and irritable, and seem to be more like myself. But I don't feel zombified or anything. I really, really hope this works out long-term.

That's great though! It can actually happen!

That's awesome, Phil! I love hearing about people who are in similar situations and are having success. It's inspirational and gives me hope for myself. Thank you for bringing some lightness to the table.

I was on Prozac some years ago and I remember it feeling like. . . I don't know, just more stable I guess? Of course, I ended up in hospital again and, when that happens, it doesn't matter what you tell the doctors, they throw everything out and reassess/change your whole treatment plan. Guess they figure whatever got me into hospital wasn't working, so there was no reason to keep going that direction.

As far as my work status, I did receive a pretty decent yearly review (overall score of 3.15 out of a possible 4), but less than a month later I got two written warnings within the span of about ten days. It was twofold discrepancies: 1) I was written up for things others in upper staff/management do/did without even receiving warnings and 2) The write-ups fell a matter of days after my doctor confirmed her order for a specific scheduling accommodation. So, it became pretty apparent that I was being targeted because of the accommodation. The day I got the second write-up, I didn't react in the best way. I refused to sign the acknowledgment and then told my manager that I was leaving for the day. Panic attack ensued; took me about three or four hours to drive home (normally a twenty-minute drive) because I kept having to pull over and regroup. Called my doctor in a complete panic and she took me off work for the next little while. I did go to the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission and file a complaint of discrimination. They must have seen something of merit in my complaint, because they accepted it and I'm awaiting a meeting date for an attempt at mediation with the company right now. Lots of other specifics I'm leaving out, but the company has definitely changed their tune in regards to how they are communicating with me since the EEOC has gotten involved.

Personally, I love hearing news like yours, Phil - it gives me hope

Right on Phil

wow Austin that's amazing
good for you!!!

Austin and Phil, very good news for you both! And way to go A. for going to the committee.

Wish this thread was on 77 tbh :/

awesome to hear, Austin :)

things are going pretty good over here. Thoughts are positive this week and I'm far more responsible than usual. Found out a moment ago that my boss sent a shining recommendation to my contractor who is trying to get me into a job at the local university. Got off the anti-depressants after a month, feeling alright.

things looking up a bit but I have work ahead. have been exercising - for only the second time in my life, I've made it to the one month stage. It's helping a little. the drama with my folks and their money seems to have dissipated since they agreed to file for bankruptcy again (they look happier too and our relationship is better). I have probably the best support group of friends I've ever had in my life - I posted a confessional openly on FB just admitting I wasn't well and so many people msged me to check on me I legitimately got emotional (in a good way).

It's just hard. I fall apart so easily these days. At work, I've grown to be well-respected and I'm essentially the "captain" of my position in my dept. One small criticism, and I feel like I did when I started Day 1 thirteen years ago - the validity doesn't matter. I posted about the movie Detroit today. One of my former co-workers, who was a dear friend who was brutally laid off after putting in months of hard work, posted a screed criticizing almost everything I said. Her post was fairly nonsensical, mostly urban legend crap like "George Soros paid all the protesters" and conservative nonsense, and yet even knowing this, upon reading it, I felt gut punched. Particularly because the tone was one she'd never used with me before, smug and harsh. Reminded myself "this isn't about *you*" and defending my original positions because I feel they're important, no matter what my mood is, before excusing myself from the discussion.

I think this is the issue - I feel so inadequate in most things that any form of criticism can cause me to shut down, even if it's benign. I have this weird merit-based approach to life where I feel that if I'm not enough of a contributor to society, smart enough, good enough of a friend to people, etc, that I don't deserve any of what I have. If somebody brings up a topic I don't know much about I invariably feel like an idiot, like I'm supposed to know everything. When anybody, in an argument with me, uses any kind of smug or dismissive tone, I regress back to my teens where I start stuttering (I'm a good public speaker - so that's a non-starter for me).

I even have trouble admitting things like THIS to my current therapist because while I like her, I still don't feel 100% comfortable with her - I miss the rapport of my old therapist and am going to see about looking her up again and see if maybe she changed course on accepting my insurance again. She challenged me a lot and wasn't afraid to call me out, but also helped get to the root of my issues.

I usually combat this by trying to spread positivity to other people, and hoping it finds its way back. been doing that lately too. sometimes it's just hard.

my dreams are the stuff of torment too. oi.

still holding out hope that a large part of this is dealing w/ getting older and an early midlife crisis and that I'll settle back into feeling normal again soon. it's been three years since I felt "happy" though. not that I'm never happy - maybe "content" is more the word I'm looking for. I still experience joy. It just has the tendency to disappear abruptly some days.

on the positive side I've been drinking way less and that has helped a lot.

When I'm feeling a lot of generalized anxiety I get that same kind of intense self consciousness, like the whole world has me under a microscope and is negatively judging everything about me. I think that's why I prefer depression to anxiety.

I'm still trying to come off the smallest dose of Zoloft but having trouble bc while there's been no change in how the depression is affecting me, and the suicidal ideation has decreased pretty significantly, the anxiety has def spiked. There's been a few situations recently where internally I've totally overreacted to what I felt was something of a personal attack, even though that wasn't really the case.